Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Adele talks about the curtain in her throat
ADELE is, like it or not, the biggest popstar on the planet. And yes, we intentionally left the door wide open for you to make your own jokes about that statement.
Anyway, Adele’s had a problem and its her throat. Again, make your own jokes. She developed a polyp on her vocal cord which, according to the gazillion selling singer, felt like “someone put a curtain over my throat.” She continued: “I could feel it. It felt like something popped in my throat.”
And so, she went off and “had laser surgery. [They] put lasers down your throat, cut off the polyp and kind of laser your hemorrhage back together and fix it.” Then, to mend herself, the really tricky part came – she had to shut the hell up for ages. As you know, Adele is a lass who likes to talks.
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Posted: 9th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Lana Del Rey: living on hate and daddy’s hand-outs
HAVE you ever heard a cow giving birth? It’s a horrible, guttural, depressing noise. So to, is the appalling singing voice of Latest Hot Thang, Lana Del Rey, who has based her fledgling career on daddy’s paycheck, giant lips and making songs that take all their inspiration from 13 year old girl’s Tumblr blogs.
And yet, Del Rey has no idea why she has so many ‘haters’. Or, as they were once called ‘perfectly legitimate critics’.
This week, Lana saw Karl Lagerfeld piping up, saying: “Lana Del Rey is not bad at all. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants?”
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Posted: 9th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Chantelle Houghton shocked at baby girl – was expecting chest of drawers
CHANTELLE Houghton tells OK! readers:
“I won’t let my daughter be left heartbroken like me”
This is:
“Pregnant Chantelle on being abandoned”
On page 39, we meet Chantelle. She is sat on a bed. On it lies a single red rose. She rests a hand on her tummy. Whipped hair tangles over her shoulders. The woman impregnated by Katie Price’s ex Alex Reid is here to slam the rumours the couple are “on the rocks”.
“When Chantell arrives on the shoot, her eyes are glistening with tears, ‘I’m having a girl…I can’t believe it.”
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Posted: 9th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Jay Z and Beyonce try to trademark their own daughter Blue Ivy
WHAT is the nicest thing your parents have ever done for you? Did they buy you that mountain bike you always asked for? Did they pay you through university, where you met your fiancee? Did they split-up?
Well, Jay Z and Beyonce have decided that they want to do the nice thing of officially trademarking their daughter, Blue Ivy. That’s right. They want her to be an equivalent of a Dyson vacuum cleaner, according to the Washington Post.
They made the application after learning that the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office had already turned down two applications to use the name ‘Blue Ivy’.
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Posted: 8th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
The Oldie’s limp saveloy enlivens the BBC’s Jimmy Savile ‘Cover Up Scandal’
THE cock of Sir Jimmy Savile may now be a shrivelled saveloy in its tilted grave that faces Scarborough’s sea, yet what Mrs Thatcher’s favourite DJ did with it and with whom is still the subject of immense fascination and conjecture.
The Oldie is now the unlikely source (via Guido) of further claims that the mummy-loving hospital worker was the subject of a BBC probe into allegations of his molestation of underage girls. A probe whose results never saw the light of day for reasons swathed in BBC beige.
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Posted: 8th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (9)
Ellen takes on Prop8 and One Million Moms
AMERICA has some funny ideas about gay people. For some reason, the Christian community has a surprisingly unhealthy interest about which orifice is receiving what. It appears that, if you like someone with the same genitals as you, you are programmed with a completely separate code of values. God forbid. Yes, that was intentional.
And so, with retail giant JC Penney snagging Ellen DeGeneres as their spokesperson, the lumbering religious decided to kick up a stink because, obviously, buying socks from a gay gives you immediate AIDS and injects you with Disco Stu’s entire iPod playlists.
The biggest complainants are One Million Moms who think that gays, frankly, shouldn’t be allowed to do anything. They’re calling for the retailer “to replace Ellen DeGeneres” on their website, and have launched a campaign against JC Penney for not remaining “neutral in the culture war.” Worse still, their business is going to get hurt because DeGeneres is a lesbian and “most of its customers are traditional families.”
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Posted: 8th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Karl Lagerfeld points out obvious by saying Adele is a bit ‘fat’
PEOPLE in the fashion industry are obsessed with image. That’s their job. So when Karl Lagerfeld, while guest editing for Metro Paris, took it upon himself to note that Adele is a bit fat, he probably knew that womenfolk would go mental at him for being so shallow.
Of course, a good number of those women spat feathers while doused in Chanel perfume and gazing at Chanel clobber in the various image-obsessed magazines they read… but still… DON’T CALL WOMEN FAT! EVEN IF THEY ARE A BIT FAT!
Karl was asked about Lana del Rey, because she’s exactly the kind of trout-gobbed gal that will be snapped up by a fashion house for a gig, later to be snatched by H&M for a ‘celebrity range’. He said:
“I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She’s not alone with implants.”
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Posted: 7th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
Joan Rivers has had only 739 surgical procedures to look that good
JOAN Rivers claims to have had just 739 surgical procedures.
You can achieve much the same effect with a stroke…
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Posted: 6th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Harry Potter hates the Lib Dems and wants to pay loads of tax
WE live in a world where we look to fictional wizards for political guidance, such is the rousing failure of our politicians to engage us all. And so, with baited breath, we look to Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe, who wants to talk about grown-up things.
What’s this?! It appears that Radcliffe has made a dramatic U-turn on his support for the Liberal Democrats! He thinks they’ve become “unviable” since leader Nick Clegg formed a coalition government with the Conservatives!
Talking to Attitude Magazine, the palest wizard of them all looked back on the year in politics, saying:
“Nick Clegg has become a whipping boy. He has been totally used by the Tories. Anything they don’t want badly reflected on them, they reflect on to him. It’s very unfortunate when you think how impressive he was in those pre-election debates. But he has made so many concessions”.
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Posted: 6th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Russell Brand and Zooey Deschanel to become deeply unlikeable couple?
YOU may think Russell Brand or, indeed, Zooey Deschanel, is attractive enough to warrant a lustful thought. However, once you stop staring at their collective bone-structures and actually listen to them for one second, you’ll find that any yearning will turn into a white-hot, furious, knuckle-breaking anger.
So imagine, if you will, now that this pair are now absolutely single and fancy-free, them getting together to make a pairing so mind-meltingly jarring that they could burn a hole in space.
And you may not have to imagine at all as Brand has reportedly got his sexual dowsing rod out and set the controls for Zooey!
The best thing about Deschanel for Brand is that she pretty much looks exactly like an indie-approved version of his ex wife, Katy Perry. She’s definitely one of those awful, awful Smiths fans, just like Russell. Just imagine them, sitting in a decadent, boho lounge, whispering Girlfriend In A Coma at each other.
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Posted: 6th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Victoria Beckham and Angelina Jolie enter baby race
VICTORIA Beckham is not like Angelina Jolie. Victoria has been telling OK! readers “HER TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE”:
“We were at a party the other day at my mum’s house and I was sitting on his lap. We’re very affectionate. And I looked at him and thought after being married for 11 years – we were the only couple who were even near each other at the party.”
The recipe for a “happy” marriage is to sit on your partner’s lap. If they are lying down watching telly, sit on their stomach or back. If he’s in the office talking to his PA sit on her, allegedly…
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Posted: 4th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Madonna previews new track ahead of Super Bowl 2012!
MADONNA, who simultaneously is quite fit, yet somehow turning into Iggy Pop, is readying herself for the huge Super Bowl halftime show. Last year, 111 million tuned in. The Black Eyed Peas saw their career half-ruined by a botched halftime show, so don’t underestimate the power of it.
And Queen Madge has promised that she won’t be having any ‘wardrobe malfunctions’ during the show, which is a small mercy for everyone really.
Not only is she gearing up for the big game, but she’s allowing it to influence the new video for her imminent single, ‘Gimme All Your Luvin”, which stars some of the Glee cast, as well as Nicki Minaj and M.I.A.
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Posted: 3rd, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Gisele Bundchen wants God to defeat the New York Giants
GISELE Bundchen has gone to the study in her $20m green ark and crafted an email. In it, Gisele asks her friends and family to pray that husband Tom Brady wins another Super Bowl ring. Pray hard and The New England Patriots will defeat the New York Giants to make Gisele happy. The Giants will wail and gnash their teeth. But they will behold Gielse’s big grin and know that right has been done. The New York Post saw the email and published it:
My sweet friends and family,This sunday will be a really important day in my husband’s life. He and his team worked so hard to get to this point and now they need us more than ever to send them positive energy so they can fulfill their dream of winning this super bowl . . .
I feel Tommy really needs our prayer, our support and love at this time.
So I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this sunday.
Thank you for your love and support. Love, G :)”
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Posted: 2nd, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Lindsay Lohan wants to sue those who say she’s any kind of fun
WE’VE long lamented the fact that Lindsay Lohan isn’t the bug-eyed jewel stealing party girl she once was and now, anyone who says she is in print is going to get sued by the former child-actress.
Various outlets noted that LiLo (the worst celebrity nickname in history) was knocking back the booze at the SAG Awards after party this weekend. That, of course, is a completely reasonable thing to do. Go to party. Get fall-down drunk.
However, Lohan isn’t having any of it and now she wants to sue! Suing, it seems, is the fallen celebrity’s replacement for the illicit fun they once enjoyed. Shame that. Legal action is so very, very dull, despite what American cinema has told you.
And now, a source close to the actress tells the TMZ ambulance chasers that Lindsay is already exploring her legal options with her attorneys because she feels that these stories are sabotaging her effort to revive her career. Please note that her career was doing just fine when she was a ‘wild-child’.
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Posted: 2nd, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Did Angelina Jolie admit to cheating on Brad Pitt?!
SOME of you women would love ten minutes alone with Brad Pitt. He’s a real dreamboat isn’t he? One of those ‘real men’ ones that has a bit of facial hair and isn’t appallingly thin like an emaciated little girl. Oh! The things you’d do to him. He’d never want another woman, right?
Well, sadly for you, he’s dating Angelina Jolie and she’s invariably much better looking than you. In fact, she’s so good looking that she can allegedly cheat on Pitt and still have him as a beau. How gutting is that for you?
The astonishingly trustworthy source in this news-caper is the National Enquirer and they’ve run a story that sees Jolie ‘admitting’ to cheating on Pitt! Apparently, they had gone to a marital counseling session, but he stormed out after she confessed to hooking up with another man.
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Posted: 2nd, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Shannon twins wanted Frankie Cocozza charged with ‘sexual harrassment’
IN this week’s OK!, Celebrity Big Brother fans can catch up with their fave housemates, who survived the nightmare. We meet Frankie Cocozza, Denise Welch, Michael Madsen and the Shannon twins.
So. Denise Welch, what did you gain from your time in the Celebrity Big Brother house? Says Denise, 53:
“I learnt that not everyone is the same as me.”
” I’ve learnt that you can’t please some, people all the time…”
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Posted: 1st, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Did Cheryl Cole get an MC Harvey tattoo?
CHERYL Cole is back on the front pages. In the bleak mid-winter between the X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent, “nation’s sweetheart” Cheryl of the furious fists and extended hair is the subject of a story that she is not dating one of So Solid Crew’s leading 100 members, MC Harvey. (Single out in March!)
Harvey was once married to Alesha Dixon, who is now occupying the seat Cheryl once cooled on the X Factor. He is also father to Javine Hylton’s child. She’s the Eurovision Song Contest flasher with the personable bum who came sixth on the reality TV show that spawned the five-piece Girls Aloud. If you sit in the showbiz Petri Dish and wait a few seconds, MC Harvey (aka Michael Harvey Jnr) will come a-swimming by. If he can squire Cheryl, Harvey will be able to play the binder in the ITV Saturday Night Calendar.
Says Cheryl on twitter in a discreet tweet directed at Harvey:
“Was this “relationship” happening in your head @harveyofficial?! Are you smoking something?”
He replies:
“Do you actually want me to tweet some of the messages you emailed me @cherylcole pipe down and stop playing the saint in front of your fans.”
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Posted: 1st, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Reese Witherspoon happy Justin Bieber is playing her in Fear remake
REESE Witherspoon hears that Justin Bieber is to star in a remake of Fear, described by the imdb thus:
A 16 year old girl takes up with a charming young man who quickly shows his colors when he beats a friend simply for walking with her and then goes totally ballistic after she tries to break up with him.
So. Reese , What do you think of Bieber’s acting?
“Fine. Great. That would be cool. Would he be playing me or is he playing Mark Wahlberg?”
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Posted: 31st, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Angelina Jolie quits acting after Oscars ‘snub’ Jennifer Aniston?
ANGELINA Jolie is in a “jealous rage!” So say the National Enquirer. “Jolie FURY over Hollywood snub”.
The report is that Jolie is “in a ‘jealous rage’ over partner Brad Pitt’s triple Oscar nod”. A source says Jolie is “durious” that her film Land of Blood and Honey was not shortlisted for an Oscar”. She is “ready to walk away from her career in disgust”.
A source adds: “She feels like this is the last in a long line of snubs and she’s had enough.”
Is this the same Angelina Jolie who won as Oscar in 2000 and was shortlisted for another in 2009? We think it might be.
Of course, because this is the NE, Jolie shares the cover with Jennifer Aniston, an actress who has won no Oscars and received no nominations. As Ange simmers, Jennifer beams:
“JEN’S TRIPLE JOY”
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Posted: 31st, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Christina Aguilera melts at Etta James funeral – in photos
CAN we an analyse what was trickling down Christina Aguilera’s leg as she belted out At Last during Etta James’ funeral? Look past the Bungee for Jesus hanging down her god-fearing bosoms, the fans filming in church, and that long rasping note that sounds exactly like the noise aliens make as they insert a chip beneath the skin on your forehead (all plastic surgeons are alien enablers) – and get a load of the liquid.
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Posted: 31st, January 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt make love on the SAGA red carpet – photos
THE 18th Screen Actors Guild Awards in Hollywood starred Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Others were there. But it’s the A-list power couple who get the headlines. Unless Miss Piggy and Kermit reunite, adopt a baby vampire and score a celebrity portmanteau (Permit?) or Prince Harry squires Jennifer Aniston (Hansiton, as the butler might say) *, Brangelina are the hottest.
They want to remind us that while individually they are the apogee of human beauty, together they are scorchingly at it. Six young children careering around the family home may ruin the sex drive of others, but when you’re Brad and Ange, loving is all. She is the woman who opined: “We have so many kids, it’s just year-round birthdays! It’s one of life’s great pleasures.”
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Posted: 30th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
India bans The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – Daniel Craig’s Enya dies horribly
THE anal rape scene in the Hollywood remake of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo means the film will not be screened in India. You’d suppose all those frescos and carvings of sex and buggery would make the Indians au fait with sodomy. It wasn’t just the rape India’s Central Board of Film Certification wanted chopped and changed , it was all the sex scenes, of which there at least three. Director David Fincher was noncompliant and refused to make the changes.
Sony Pictures India says:
The Censor Board has adjudged the film unsuitable for public viewing in its unaltered form and, while we are committed to maintaining and protecting the vision of the director, we will, as always, respect the guidelines set by the Board.
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Has Chloe Moretz turned Daily Mail writers into paedos?
WHAT does the Daily Mail think of the film Kick Ass and its young star Chloe Moretz, a talented actress on the rise?
In 2010, Christopher Tookey called it “EVIL”. It had a 15 rating:
The reason the movie is sick, as well as thick, is that it breaks one of the last cinematic taboos by making the most violent, foul-mouthed and sexually aggressive character, Hit-Girl, an 11-year-old played with enormous confidence by Chloe Moretz…The movie’s writers want us to see Hit-Girl not only as cool, but also sexy…Paedophiles are going to adore her. One of the film’s creepiest aspects is that she’s made to look as seductive as possible.. She’s fetishised…As if that isn’t exploitative enough, she’s also shown in a classic schoolgirl pose, in a short plaid-skirt with her hair in bunches, but carrying a big gun…Underage sex isn’t a laugh.
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Posted: 28th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)
The Simpsons – Homer scores Anna Wintour and a Vogue cover
ITALIAN cartoonist Alexsandro Palombo has nailed the fashion industry with his take on Anna Wintour and The Simpsons. On the blog Humor Chic, Palombo, who has also worked as a knitwear designer, possesses the lightness of touch to lampoon Wintour and the fashionistas and harness the essence of The Simpsons to make us smile. Anna Wintour and The Simpsons – why didn’t Matt Groening think of it first..? More here.
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Posted: 28th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
