Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Gary Glitter twitter jokes in full
GARY Glitter, the convicted paedophile, is on twitter. He’s planning a comeback tour. Peter Serafinowicz asks if his new book will be available as a PDF File. Others dust off the joke book and make the funny:
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Posted: 20th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
In photos – London Critics’ Circle Film Awards winners, dresses and losers
IT’S the 2012 London Critics’ Circle Film Awards, at BFI Southbank, Belvedere Road, London. Not to be confused with the Critics Choice Awards, the Golden Globe, the Oscars, the BAsildon Critics Choice Awards and many more…. The Artist won big – and will win big at the Oscars.
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Bruno Mars: Arrested with bag of cocaine but law doesn’t care
INSIPID, vapid pop-goon Bruno Mars has done very little for this planet apart from sell millions of awful records that have utterly polluted the air and damaged the brains of all those that have had the misfortune to hear them.
However, he must be made of magic because, for some reason, the American criminal system doesn’t seem to mind that he likes big bags of cocaine. Are America’s lawyers hoping he’ll have an overdose? Either way, as of tomorrow, he’ll have a spotless criminal record tomorrow despite being arrested with class A drugs in a Hard Rock toilet.
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Posted: 19th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Gary Glitter is rhyming slang for twitter: Paul Gadd’s comeback tour announced
GARY Glitter (Paul Gadd) is to make a comeback tour. No, not of villages and underage fleshpots in Vietnam and prisons. Gary Glitter is taking to the stage. Well so says a twitter account claiming to be relaying the official views of Gary Glitter, the man with conviction for possessing child pornography and having sex with children.
On twitter you can read of the account activated in June 2011:
“The official twitter of Gary Glitter. Managed and updated by me. King of rock & roll. 2012 comeback tour details coming here soon. Watch this space!”
London, Bristol and Birminghm are all semi-confirmed for the tour at the end of the year. I’ll confirm more info as it becomes certain
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Posted: 19th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
Mark Wahlberg says sorry for his bizarre 9/11 comments
HEY! Marky Mark, aka, Mark Wahlberg, aka Really You Should Never Ever Speak Unless Scripted! How are you? Thing is, Wahlberg is currently trying to take all the feet in the world out of his mouth at the moment because he’s gone and said something off-centre about the 9/11 terrorist attacks and, as well you can imagine, no-one should ever do that because Americans are still really, really jumpy about all that.
He said in a rag:
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'”
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Posted: 19th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Daily Mail makes up story about TOWIE Mario Falcone buying a Sunseeker yacht
THE Daily Mail makes up a story that The Only Way is Essex star Mario Falcone is buying a very expensive Sunseeker boat. The paper’s headline states:
Making waves: TOWIE star Mario Falcone buys a £5.2 million Sunseeker luxury yacht to get ready for the summertime
JJ Anisiobi has the facts:
Mario, the new king of The Only Way Is Essex, was spotted yesterday buying a £5.2million boat in London.
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Posted: 19th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
George Lucas: quitting movie making to make Howard The Duck: Strikes Back
BEECHAWAWA! Have you heard that George Lucas is quitting the movie industry?! Kinda. Of course, many of you could well be pleased to see the back of him thanks to his endless tinkering with the Star Wars franchise. Last year, everyone lost their bap when he decided to make Darth Vader shout “Nooooo!” at the climax of Return of the Jedi.
Some people pretty much saw that as Lucas deliberately trying to destroy a childhood or a million.
And now, in an upcoming issue of The New York Times Magazine, you’ll discover that George Lucas has decided enough is enough and fully intends to retire from making big-budget feature films, including and especially any more Star Wars flicks.
“Why would I make any more,” he says, “when everybody yells at you all the time and says what a terrible person you are?”
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Posted: 18th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Marine sues ‘prostitute’ Lindsay Lohan to be sued over her role in Osama bin Laden’s death (?!?!?!?!)
HURRAY! When Lindsay Lohan stopped all that Getting In Trouble Almost Constantly thing, we all feared she’d become something of a dullard. Some even feared she might find God or something awful like that. Instead, she did a Playboy spread and showed us her freckled boobies, which was very charitable of her.
Mercifully, the circus won’t stop because, when LiLo is behaving, the rest of the world can go mental around her. Just take a look at Thomas A. Green, a man who believes that the actress played a role in the death of Osama Bin Laden and that she’s also “might be a high end prostitute”.
Ambulance chasers TMZ claim to have obtained a copy of the lawsuit written by an “apparently delusional” Green and describes it as “incoherent gibberish”.
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Posted: 18th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Ashton Kutcher tries to punch thin-air as he swears to catch hacker
NOT the sharpest spoon in the drawer, Ashton Kutcher is having a rough few months. He’s shagged a young woman on the night of his wedding anniversary, which saw Demi Moore divorcing him and, not only that, he’s the lead in Two And A Half Men or, if you prefer, the worst thing that’s ever been on television.
But stupid is never deterred!
The Kutch is angrily hitting out at the hacker who broke into his twitter account and posted fake messages! Ashton sent out a chillingly stupid message saying that he’s found out where the hacker lives and he’s going after him!
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Posted: 17th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Madonna takes on Elton John and just about everyone else in the world. Again.
NOW that Madonna’s pop-crown is slipping Lady GaGaward, largely thanks to her taking herself far too seriously and spreading herself too thinly, she’s remembered that nothing gets you column inches like a beef. Or numerous beefs. She’s beef mad, clearly.
The big story is Madge and Elton John are at loggerheads after the Golden Globes. Queen Bitch Elton said that Queen Bitch Madge ‘didn’t have a chance’ winning the award for Best Original Song. She promptly went and won ‘best song’.
This isn’t the first time they’ve fallen out. They spat at each other in 2004 after Elton accused Madonna of miming. After hearing about Elton’s ratings of her, she snarked: “Was he wearing a dress? Those are fighting words… OK, well, may the best man win.” After picking up the award for her W.E. song Masterpiece,Madge stated: “I hope he speaks to me for the next couple of years. He tends to get mad at me. I don’t feel bad.”
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Posted: 17th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Kim Kardashian arranged her own proposal from Kris Humphries
ROMANCE. What do you make of it? Is it a beautiful, spontaneous thing that captures not only the moment, but your heart too? Not if you’re Kim Kardashian (and we thank the stars you’re not)! See, she likes things to be just so. And mercifully for her, she managed to snare a thicko who was willing to do exactly as she pleased. See, when Kris Humphries decided he was going to propose to Kim K, she wasn’t having any of it.
We still can believe that the whole thing ended in a sham of a marriage. Honestly. We’re crestfallen.
Either way, it appears that Kris Humphries told his friends and family that his soon-to-be ex-wife planned his wedding proposal to her so it would look good on her show, ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’ He proposed in Minnesota, but she rearranged it for him so it happened in her bedroom.
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Posted: 16th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
In photos – 5th Annual BET awards winners, dresses and show
IN photos – the 5th Annual BET Honors in Washington. Mariah Carey got the Best Entertainer prize. Her husband Nick Cannon provided the funnies: “What most people don’t get to experience is the human. To know you guys are honoring her tonight, I have to continue to honor her every day.” That line was, however, delivered without irony.
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Posted: 16th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Mariah Carey makes soup and becomes an instant hero!
JUST over a week after posting one of the most unintentionally funny photos online, and of course, being hospitalised for “mild kidney failure”, Mariah Carey’s husband, Nick Cannon, stepped out into the limelight for the first time and praised her for being a “hero” during his ‘ordeal’.
Cannon said, without any trace of irony:
“When times are hard, you guys don’t see her at 3 o’clock in the morning, getting up in the middle of the night, fixing me soup when my kidneys ain’t acting right. Mariah Carey does that.”
Get housemaid to open tin. Pour into pan. Heat up. Serve. Become hero.
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Posted: 16th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Elton John is sick about losing to Madonna: Golden globes winners (and loser) photos
ALL the winners of the 2012 Golden Globes – each trying to hold their trophy the least like an adolescent boy. But the real onanistic action was to be had when Madonna took on Elton John for the best song. Madonna won the gong for a song called Masterpiece. Elton John looked like the Maquis de Sade trying to choke down a pickled onion-fed bottom burb.
David Furnish took to Facebook:
“Madonna. Best song???? Fuck off!!! Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in it’s narcissism. And her critisism of Gaga shows how desperate she really is.”
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Posted: 16th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Vanessa Hudgens Wants Young People To Watch More Films
YOU may now her as That Disney Girl Who Appeared Naked On Your Internet After Some Self Taken Pictures Were Leaked, but Vanessa Hudgens is actually a serious thespian. And don’t you forget it.
And she really cares about the art of film making. So much so, she’s encouraging young people to watch a wide variety of films.
Get that young people? She wants you to watch more movies! What’s that? You wish people would actually make something worth watching once in a while? Fair enough.
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Posted: 16th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
In photos – Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt at the Golden Globes
ANGELINA Jolie and Brad Pitt were at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards. We took photos. Will 2012 will be triumphant for Bradjelina? 2011 was big a year for the Jolie-Pitt axis. Angelina Jolie did not complete forms for adoption of your newborn baby but she did give birth to Jennifer Aniston’s baby (source: National Enquirer fantasy division); an expert told us that Brad and Angelina “end the day by chanting the sacred word their love guru has given them, and now they no longer argue” – we can exclusively reveal that the word is “weed”, “lager” or “Jen”; Jolie hired a Euston-Glasgow Virgin train to see Brad in Glasgow; Brad flew in an Iceland frozen foods helicopter; and whatever other mix of the starry, fantastic and plain made-up stories hit the news about Brad and Ange…
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Posted: 16th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
In photos – The Golden Globes 2012 (every dress and pose)
THE Golden Globes 2012 – in photos – the show that features Ricky Gervais saying mean things to the famous mongs, who chortle along and leave their table drinks well alone. No-one is ever filmed drinking at the Golden Globes. This is becasues: a) everyone is a lizard; b) faces are more frozen than the ice cubes; c) though more people watch America’s porn genre than 90% of Hollywood films, the place is a haven for prudes..
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In pictures: Critics’ Choice Awards 2012 – Clooney and The Artist win big
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Sean Penn to receive Joel Siegel Award at 2012 CCMA’s
More Movie Awards Archives Coming Soon!
17th Annual Critics’ Choice Movie Awards (2012) – Best Picture: The Artist
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Madonna notices Lady GaGa fondness for her (with added MIAOW)
REMEMBER when Lady GaGa released Born This Way? Everyone had an opinion on it. People said it was brilliant, others said it was awful. The subplot to it all was: Did it matter that it leaned on Madonna’s Express Yourself so heavily?
Of course, Madge’s fans were apoplectic with rage, while GaGa fans didn’t care. But what does Madonna think about it all? Well, oddly enough, she has just passed judgement on it, vaguely showing her claws about it all.
Madonna said in an interview:
“I thought ‘what a wonderful way to redo my song’.”
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Posted: 13th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
$94k of unpaid taxes says Lindsay Lohan isn’t trouble-free just yet
AWW! Just when it looked like Lindsay Lohan was going to get her life back on track, a whole bunch of stuff keeps tapping her on the shoulder to remind her that, basically, she’s going to be in the bad books for the rest of eternity. Fact of the matter is, LiLo could be beatified by a pope and everyone would simply assume she’d been molesting nuns.
Poor Lindsay.
And now, drug problems, wild-childery, assault claims, dodgy tattoos, ill advised trysts and jewel stealery out of the way, she now got the tax man after her.
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Posted: 12th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Photos of Heather Mills wearing a skimpy swimsuit on a ski slope
HEATHER Mills, nee Penny Lane, has posted pictures on Facebook of herself wearing a skimpy swimsuit up a mountain in the snow. This is how you remain relevant and remind people that you here to help. You see what you’re missing, Paul McCartney. No, not lots of money you gave Heather in a divorce settlement. D’yer see what else you’re missing? Well, do you..?
If you like how Heather skies, you will surely enjoy her summer snaps in which the tabloids’ ‘Lady Mucca’ heads to the Riviera sands dressed in a Salopettes and moon boots…
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Posted: 12th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Sinead O’Connor is unwell – time for tabloids to pile in
SINEAD O’Connor has has featured on Anorak in recent weeks for her brilliant writing and appeal for a man to marry. She got the man, Barry Herridge. But Sinead O’Connor is not happy.
Her tweets are a concern. One asks:
does any1 know a psychiatrist in dublin or wicklow who could urgently see me today please? im really un-well… and in danger
Cue the Daily Mail to report on the “singer’s cry for help” by publishing a paparazzi shot of O’Connor arriving back at her home in Wicklow, Ireland walking with a pair of crutches.
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Posted: 12th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Madonna’s W.E. premiere in London – in photos
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MADONNA looked fantastic at the UK Premiere of W.E. at Odeon Kensington High Street, London. It’s the bipic in which Andrea Riseborough plays Wallis Simpson and James D’Arcy does the abdicated King Edward VIII. Crowds flocked.
One Direction’s Harry Styles in nude photo leak? Really?
WOAH! There’s a picture that is supposed to be of Harry Styles, with his wang-direction hanging out, floating around online. Effectively, it’s what every child in Britain has been waiting for. It’s what every adult woman has also been waiting for, but can’t say so, for fear of arrest.
The photo itself shows a naked young man stood in front of the mirror.
Crucially, the face is obscured by the camera flash, but that didn’t stop fans from shrieking about the mop of brown curly hair and dog tag, similar to that which Styles has been seen wearing in the past.
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Posted: 11th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Antony Worrall Thompson stars in the Lambshank Redemption
ANTONY Worrall Thompson – TV chef who steals to order? – stars in the Lambshank Redemption:
Posted: 11th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)
