Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Billy Joe Armstong Buys Comfi-Slax Reversi Jeans For A Better In-Flight Experience
BILLY Joe Armstrong, lead singer of punk rock band Green Day, is 39. He tweets that he has been removed from a Southwest Airlines flight from Oakland-to-Burbank for wearing his trousers too low. Says he:
“Just got kicked off a southwest flight because my pants sagged too low! What the f—? No joke!”
ABC7 news producer Cindy Qiu was also on the flight. She says Armstrong reacted by asking the pants police if there were “better things to do than worry about that?”
The answer is a clear “no”. What is more important than your trousers?
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Posted: 3rd, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Madonna’s Frozen WE Proves That Wallis Simpson Was Misunderstood – And So Was Hitler (Photos)
MADONNA is doing the round, plugging her first feature-length directorial effort W.E.. It’s the story of Wallis Simpson, the Nazi fan who married King Edward VIII and was very misunderstood. Who knew, for instance, that Wallis and her brown shirted chums could be, as The Times says, “screamingly, inadvertently funny in parts [that] had ‘em rolling in the aisles at Venice”?
The Guardian says the film is “primped and simpering folly, preening and fatally mishandled”. The Daily Mail – the paper that once declared “Hurrah For the Black Shirts” – says it’s pretty good. The film’s allure is not all helped by Madge, whose face seems frozen in horror, like that moment in Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry David forgets his lines in The Producers and the theatre audience reacts with impression of Munch’s The Scream. Stuff Botox, just catch Madonna’s new film and experience a face freeze.
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Posted: 3rd, September 2011 | In: Film | Comment (1)
Emma Stone Serves The Canapes At The 37th American Film Festival: Photos
THE 37th American Film Festival in swanky Deauville, Normandy, France, celebrates American film…in France. This is how you invigorate a seaside report on grey day in September. Over the waves in Blighty, they’ve got ice-creams, ketchup in sachets and bits of sandblasted coloured glass. In France, they’ve got Bill Murray, Kate Bosworth, Dolores Chaplin, Emma Stone posing for a photocall for their film “The Help” and canapes…
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John Cleese To Play Silvio Burlusconi In Bunga Bunga Towers The Film
JOHN Cleese is a shoot-in to play Silvio Berlusconi in Bunga Bunga Towers – the film.
Back in July, Silvio was heard telling an associate:
“I’m leaving this shitty country of which I’m sickened.”
We’d suggest he head for Morocco – or London.
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Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Peter Andre And Gavin Henson Destined For Reality Romance
THIS week’s OK! features the words of Peter Andre and Gavin Henson.
In the middle of the Med, and awash in a sea of secret love for his sister Debbie (read here), sentimental Pete is asked if he has seen Henson, formerly Mr Charlotte Church, in TV’s The Bachelor on Channle 5 (prop. Richard Desmond). It’s the dating game show in which the sometime Wales rugby player selects a lover from a bevy of lovelies dreaming of telly stardom and an 8-page photoshoot in OK! (propr. Richard Desmond).
Says Pete:
“He’s a legend… It’s funny because when he first started seeing Charlotte Church he was papped on a balcony and I was like: ‘Damn, that guy is ripped.'”
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Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Lindsay Lohan Gets Billy Joel Tattooed Under Her Boobs: Photos
LINDSAY LOHAN is good fun isn’t she? Mad punchy drunk diamond thief, occasionally doing a bit of acting work. What a great life she’s got. There’s pictures of her taking drugs with Paris Hilton (allegedly!) and she’s have sex with whatever gender she fancies.
She’s doing exactly what a famous person should.
And that includes… um… getting Billy Joel lyrics tattooed just under her boobies. That’s right! She’s got some words inked onto her ribs. They say:
“Clear as a crystal sharp as a knife, I feel like I’m in the prime of my life”
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Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Lauren Bush Becomes Lauren Lauren As She Marries David
LAUREN Bush, George W Bush’s niece and granddaughter to President of George H.W. Bush, is to be married to David Lauren, son to Ralph Lauren.
Experts are calling it a triumph of orginial thinking.
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Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Kate Winslet Lurves Roman Polanski Despite… Y’know… All That Having Sex With Children Thing
HEY! If you’re some kind of monster who has sex with underage girls, take solace in the fact that, no matter what, Kate Winslet will still love you.
Of course, we’re not talking about any ol’ kidfid here. This is a special, talented one. And that man is Roman Polanski who is on the run from the US police after pleading guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse with a 13-year-old girl.
Despite his penchant for cricket on a wicket with no grass, Kate is still ready to praise the “great” Polanski as she promoted his first film release since he was released from house arrest. Ain’t that sweet?
She said, forgetting about all that child stuff:
“When Roman Polanski invites you to join him in any project you really don’t say no. I felt extremely fortunate to be included. We were working with the great Roman Polanski. We are only human beings and we are still perfectly capable of being terrified, whoever we are.”
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Posted: 1st, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Kirsten Dunst Was Born To Be A Commercially Viable Actress
QUOTE of The Day with Kirsten Dunst:
“My mother told me that when I was born a wave of feeling came over her. She just knew that I was destined to be an actress. Every time we’d go to the grocery store everyone would come up to her and say, ‘Your daughter is so animated, she’s such a happy child, she has such a light, you should put her in commercials.’ My mum thought, ‘OK, we’ll try acting and put away some money for college.’ I booked my first commercial and that was it.”
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Posted: 1st, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Alex Reid And Chantelle Houghton Get Infected In The Celebrity Petri Dish
IN the celebrity Petri Dish, Alex Reid and Chantelle Houghton have met.
In OK!, the “reality couple” are on an “escape” in Portugal. What they are escaping from is unclear. We’d wager it’s chapped thighs, Peter Andre, hoodies and sharks.
Chantelle wants to yell us that she has a “low ovarian reserve“. She has only three years left to conceive.
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Posted: 31st, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Jessie Wallace And Vincent Morse Make EastEnders And The Daily Star Seem Almost Real
JESSIE Wallace the EastEnders harridan with the pork-pie voice and jellied eel gait is dating Vincent Morse. Well, she was. Yesterday’s and today’s tabloids wer full of news that the pair had split.
“Jessie Jilts Love Rat on Day Of Wedding “- Daily Mirror front page, August 30, 2011
“Raging Jessie dumps fiance on wedding day” – The Sun front page, August 30, 2011
“Jessie has wedding flowers delivered home so she can watch them die” – Sun front page, August 31, 2011
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Posted: 31st, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Is Private Peter Andre’s ‘Secret Love’ His Sister Debbie?
WITH Kerry Katona in the Big Brother house, it’s time for OK! to catch up on the life and times of sentimental Peter Andre? How is Peter? How are the kidzzz? On the cover of OK! we see Andre smiling. Behind him is his son Junior Peter Andre and a woman. Below the tableau of bliss is the headline:
“I LOVE HER SO MUCH”
Oh?
“Peter finally reveals his secret love”
This is a “WORLD EXCLUSIVE”.
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Posted: 31st, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Lost’s Matthew Fox Punches A Bus Driver Right On Her Minge
REMEMBER Lost? That was a stupid, entirely pointless television programme wasn’t it? Random numbers, that fat fella with the corkscrew curls and a polar driving a tank or whatever it was. It was like wandering into a particularly confusing, tedious daydream.
Do you remember the hunkbag star of the show, Matthew Fox? The one who was also in Party Of Five (Dawson’s Creek for hipsters). He seemed like a nice enough bloke – that is until he was accused of punching a bus driver right on her mons pubis.
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Posted: 30th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Kim Kardashian’s Fairytale Wedding In Photos: Jack Off And The Giant Beanstalk
KIM Kardashian is married. The front page of Hello! declares:
“It felt like a fairytale.”
Given Kim’s porno past and her new husband Kris Humphries considerable height, we’d wager that the fairytale is Jack (Off) And The Beanstalk – the made-for-TV version in which the season’s finale ends with the viewers wondering how long the marriage will last and if the wondering giant is laying a golden egg or thinking about his lines.
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Posted: 30th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Lady Gaga Degreases Britney Spears’ Acronym At The MTV VMAs In Photos
TO the MTV VMA awards in LA USA, where Lady Gaga (LG) is presenting Britney Spears (BS) with the Video Vanguard award for most acronyms in single awards setting. Lady Gaga is the one dressed as a sixth former doing a production of Grease. Spears is more deep beige with pineapple Chewit top notes tones than Sandy…
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Sinead O’Connor Is Looking For Filthy Anal Yam Sex With A Hairy Man
POP star Sinead O’Connor is talking to the Irish Independent. The charismatic singer is, reportedly, looking for sex and snuggles – maybe not in that order:
The man who runs my site will protectively suggest I may want to visit the bathroom for a few intimate moments and a subsequent cold shower before deciding to post this on the site but I will of course ignore him as it’s too late now and the her-moans are having the best of me.
And then it gets interesting:
I recently read of a woman in America who married and regularly humps her truck. I don’t yet own a truck but I’m beginning to understand her head space. And am worried I too may be so desperate for sex that within days I might run up the road and hump Bray Cabs’ whole fleet of cars in one hour. Forty quid clear-up afterward. Can’t say fairer than that. Except maybe a photo for their website. Which’d be fine.
My situation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good, as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you, yams are looking like the winners. I actually do knowa woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm-in-arm by two UK policemen on to a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that’s going to happen to me if I don’t take drastic action.
Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun, and it’s VERY depressing.
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Posted: 27th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)
Chris Brown Might Have His Probation Revoked For Being A Lousy Neighbour
NEIGHBOURS. Everybody needs good neighbours, with a little understanding. However, when you live next door to Chris Brown, you probably won’t rate him that much.
Not only is he the purveyor of spectacularly dreadful music, but he’s also that guy who lamped Rihanna in the face with his bony hands until she bled all over the place. And now, because he’s still on probation for being a bit too ‘hands-on’, a judge would like to know whether he’s a good neighbour or not.
Sadly for Brown, there’s been complaints about him.
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Posted: 26th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Katie Price Launches Katie: My Magazine: A Comic About Oral Sex WIth Mouthful Of Filler And Her Kids
KATIE Price is to launch the worst thing you’ve ever seen: a magazine about Katie Price.
Katie: My Magazine will launch on September 7.
Says Katie:
“I’m excited to show a side of me you don’t see in the mags. So what would I ask myself if I was doing the interview? Read and find out.”
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Posted: 26th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Jim Carey Is The Appropriate Age For Sex With Emma Stone: Photos Of A Decent Video Proposal
JIM Carey has a message for 22-year-old Emma Stone:
“I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re all the way beautiful. Not just pretty, but, you know, smart and kindhearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you, and we would have chubby little freckled faced kids. We’d laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And the sex?…”
“Everyday for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I’m not. I’m 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little grey in my beard, and it takes me a little longer to pee than it used to. Those are the only discernible signs of ageing that I can find so far. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. You’re pretty special, and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfilment, but most of all, I wish you love and contentment. That’s all.”
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Posted: 25th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Jennifer Aniston Will Have Twins When She Counts Down To Zero
US Magazine says Jennifer Aniston is on a “Baby Countdown“. This is:
“JEN’S BABY COUNTDOWN”
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Posted: 24th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
What Was Kerry Katona’s Terrible Mistake?
FOLLOWING on from last week’s issue where OK! dreamt up imaginative ways for Kerry Katona to die, this week’s organ features the reality TV star currently appearing on Channel Five’s TV’s Big Brother stood in a swimming spool. She appears to be wearing an evening dress. Her make up is smudged. Her gaze suggests all is not well. And the headline yells:
“HELP ME I’VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE”
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Posted: 24th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Amy Winehouse: How The Tabloids Killed Her By Suicide, Drugs, Blake, Reg Traviss, Booze And Lies
AMY Winehouse has died. She was not killed by an overdose of drugs. Right at the start, when her body was found, police said no drugs were found at her Camden home. Still, the newspapers declared otherwise:
The sordid details of Amy Winehouse’s final hours emerged today, with claims that she bought a cocktail of narcotics including cocaine, ecstasy and ketamine – Daily Mail, July 25, 2011
One friend partying with her over the last weeks said: “It was an ecstasy overdose. She could do cocaine until the cows come home. But this was obviously a dodgy pill. That was backed up by MTV producer Danny Panthaki, who claimed: “My friend’s boyfriend is a policeman, and he’s the one who found Amy Winehouse dead. Overdosed on ecstasy” – Daily Mirror, July 24, 2011
“TORMENTED Amy Winehouse died yesterday at 27 after downing a massive cocktail of drugs, The People can reveal. The singer was seen buying narcotics, believed to include cocaine, heroin, ecstasy and the horse tranquilliser ketamine, from a dealer shortly after 10.30pm on Friday – Dean Rousewell The People, July 24, 2011
Rousewell then added:
But last night pals claimed she had died earlier that morning after indulging in a final drugs binge during a night out with pals.
Pals grassing on pals. Some pals, eh, to get a reformed drugs addict off their face on drugs. Do we know who these pals are? No.
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Posted: 24th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Fresh-Faced Larry King Tells Piers Morgan To Shut Up
LARRY King invites Hello! and its readers to look over his massive pile high in the Beverly Hills hills.
When we first encounter Larry he’s sat on a step in the garden. He’s affecting the look of a young boy pulling a cutesy pose for his proud mum and dad. To his side sits his eighth wife, Shawn. Like Larry, she too is chucking herself under the chin with a clenched fist. The pair look unnaturally youthful and bright, like a Norman Rockwell painting you can plug in. Between them are sat their two boys: Chance and Cannon. Larry King is 77. Chance is young enough to offer an explanation as to his name; Canon is the boatings of an old man who still can.
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Posted: 23rd, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Amy Winehouse And Tony Bennett’s Duet Appears Online – Have A Listen
HAHAHA! Wasn’t it funny when a young woman died after battling with the pain that once made great tunes ended up eating her whole! Really funny! She wasn’t even in her thirties! WHAT A RIOT! AMY WINEHOUSE WAS MENTALLY ILL! HA HA HA!
Of course, it really isn’t funny when a young talented woman dies, but if it wasn’t for our collective gallows humour, we’d probably spend all day crying.
We may still have our chance to weep like emo-babies because it’s pretty obvious that Amy Winehouse’s record label will be eyeing up a load of half-assed demos and looking at making a pretty penny on them. That said, not all posthumous releases are going to be lame as a short clip of the leaked Amy Winehouse duet with Tony Bennett has appeared online.
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Amy Winehouse: No Drugs But Some Booze In Body
AMY Winehouse had alcohol but no drugs in her body when she died. A spokesman for her family tells media:
“Toxicology results returned to the Winehouse family by authorities have confirmed that there were no illegal substances in Amy’s system at the time of her death. Results indicate that alcohol was present but it cannot be determined as yet if it played a role in her death. The family would like to thank the police and coroner for their continuing thorough investigations and for keeping them informed throughout the process. They await the outcome of the inquest in October.”
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Posted: 23rd, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
