Fat And Skinny Kerry Katona Scores For Felchester Rovers

ANORAK readers know that Kerry Katona and OK! magazine combine to make a modern comic book character. One day we will read that Katona has found a pair of football boots that once belonged to dead legend Dead Shot Keen and when she wears them she can’t stop scoring – no, not drugs, but actual goals for Premier League football team Felchester City.

In this week’s OK!, Katona is more cartoonish then ever.

Anorak

Posted: 13th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Heston Blumenthal Separates From Wife – Dates Food Porn Writer

BOFFIN-noggined TV cook Heston Blumenthal is no longer with his wife Zanna, of whom he opined:

“Zanna is the reason for my success because she has supported me every step of the way. She’s sacrificed so much and has never complained.

“It sounds corny, but I knew from the outset that I’d found my soul mate. There was a deep connection between us and even though we were just teenagers, we knew we had found something special.”

Anorak

Posted: 13th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Conan The Barbarian Premier Photos: Rose McGowan Surfs Jason Mamoa’s Eyebrows

TO the premiere of Conan The Barbarian, with Rose McGowan, Zoe Kravitz, Ron Perlman, Rachel Nichols and Jason Momoa all sat on Jason Mamoa’s eyebrows.

Anorak enjoys a man who finds time to tweezer his brow before battering demonic snakes and smacking a big horse in the face with a chain Mr T would find showy.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, August 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Get Your Big Pants Ready! Bridget Jones 3 Is Coming!

HEY! Curvy women! The actually-thin-but-puts-weight-on-because-someone-pays-her-to Renée Zellweger is coming back to play Bridget Jones in an attempt to pretend she’s one of you, thereby making your worthless lives that little bit more recognisable.

Of course, that seems needlessly aggressive. Suffice to say, we’ve all got worthless lives, including Renée Zellweger.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 12th, August 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Cher Lloyd Advises That X Factor Hopefuls Should ‘Get Out, Now!’

REASONABLE verse, terrible chorus. That’s the honest, non-emotive review of Cher Lloyd’s recent number one, ‘Swagger Jagger‘. See, someone needs to be emotionless about it because, for some inexplicable reason, everyone’s got apeshit over it, unable to do anything other than adore it endlessly, or berate it like it’s a mass murder.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 12th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Dead Dog Sympathy Sex With EastEnders’ Shane Richie And His No. 1 Fan

WHAT kind of week was it for EastEnders Red Coat Shane Ritchie, 47? Well, since you asked, it was mixed. While continuing to act like a dad plucked from the crowd and invited to play in a Premier League football match – a mixture of ‘Look at me, I’m famous’; ‘Blimey this is my big chance – told you I’d make it’; and ”Should I play the fool and hide by lack of skills?” – Richie told us that he first met his current wife Christie Goddard, now 27:

“Our paths first crossed when I was only 12 years old. I had a tiny part in a Royal Variety Performance playing a stick of celery.”

Anorak

Posted: 12th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Melanie Brown’s Violet Birth

MELANIE Brown – striving to not be Mel B formerly of The Spice Girls – is talking about her pals and their soulfulness:

“My friends threw me a spiritual shower, which was sweet. We all tied violet strings around our wrists and when you go into labour, everyone thinks about you and cuts the strings.”

Anorak

Posted: 12th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Demi ‘Bruiser’ Lovato Talks About Punching A Dancer

ROLLER COASTER is a way of describing the past year that kids’ fave Demi Lovato has had. She’s dated a Jonas Brother (who cares which one? Seriously. They’re all grown in the same laboratory), split up with him, gone mad, self-harmed, gone into rehab, got an eating disorder, got diagnosed as bipolar and, most importantly, punched the crap out of one of her dancers.

Demi says:

“I was completely out of line all summer. Just the worst attitude – totally ungrateful.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 12th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

PJ Harvey Doesn’t Like New Bands And Thinks New Music Is Dull (Which Is Rich)

FOX-HUNTING supporter and Mercury-nominated (we’re legally obliged to write that in sadly) PJ Harvey has branded modern music ‘dull’ and ‘unoriginal’ despite making tedious LPs that lean far too heavily on whatever the alt.zeitgeist of the day is in the first place.

Speaking to the NME, Polly Harvey said:

“Not for a lack of knowing it exists, but because I find nothing that interests me.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 12th, August 2011 | In: Music | Comments (3)

Justin Bieber To Star In Dirty Dancing Remake?

WOMEN! You like Dirty Dancing don’t you? Of course you do! It’s got love and dancing in it! It’s got Patrick Swayze’s muscles in when they were alive! It’s got Jennifer Grey in it before she completely transformed her face by making her nose vanish with plastic surgery! It’s got that song in it! AND THE LIFT! THE BIT WITH THE LIFT!

Oh, it’s so romantic and junk!

So which vapid, apple pie dross are going to star in the remake of the classic I’m On My Period And Want To Be Left Alone, Thanks film?

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 11th, August 2011 | In: Film | Comment (1)

Alec Baldwin To Challenge Kesley Grammer In Surreal Mayoral Race

AMERICA is stupid. Brilliantly stupid. They’ve got guns, burgers and robot teeth. They also have celebrities in positions of power. Ronald Reagan was president ferchrissakes!

And now, we’ve got a fabulously surreal mayoral race in the offing as Alec Baldwin could well be taking on Kelsey Grammer to become King of New York City!

Baldwin has insisted that he’ll run for Mayor of New York one day. He’s a native of Long Island and life-long liberal, and would be an excellent foe for Kelsey who is right of the wing.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 10th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Should Sesame Street’s Bert And Ernie Get Married?

SESAME STREET is one of the most forward thinking, progressive shows around. It’s featured civil rights speeches, tackled racism, people talking about their AIDS, poverty… and now, people are calling for it to feature a gay marriage.

And the likely candidates are Bert and Ernie, and there’s even a petition demanding it. They already share a bed and rubber ducky would make an excellent best man.

Anyway, the petition comes from Change.org who want the puppets to teach our children that same-sex marriage is okay. Which it isn’t of course. All marriages are stupid aren’t they? You’d have to be nuts to want to get the State involved in your love.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 10th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kerry Katona: So – How Are You Going To Die?

KERRY Katona is stood by a washing line from which five teddies are hanging. One is hanging by its ears. Three are hanging by their arms. Alongside this scene of nursery torture, Kerry smiles over the OK! magazine headline:

“Kerry cracks up!”

Is this a cruel pun on her drug-taking past and bi-polarism? Another headline appears:

“My ex mark can drown himself in the Big Brother pool”

This delightful turn of phrase is only made more hideous when we see that also on the OK! cover are two of Kerry’s children – the pair she had with Mark Croft – her ex-husband. One is sat in a laundry basket. The other is touching the wire from which the teddies are hanging. Is it plugged in?

This is no joke because having introduced the kids and the reader to the idea of daddy being dead (he’s not on Big Brother), OK! then asks lots of question about potentially lethal moments in Kerry’s life:

OK!: “Which of your exes wouldn’t you mind finding face down in the Big Brother pool?”

Anorak

Posted: 10th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Nazis March On Edinburgh Festival: Kanye West Shoo-In For Soundtrack

THE Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2011: Performers from Hitler the Musical act out part of their play as part of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival near Edinburgh’s Royal Mile ahead of their show at venue 109. Kanye West – the self-declared Adolph Hitler of pop – is away…

Anorak

Posted: 8th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kanye West Is Hitler Without The Charm

KANYE WEst, toothsome pop tart, tells one and all at the Big Chill Festival:

“I walk through the hotel and I walk down the street, and people look at me like I’m fucking insane, like I’m Hitler. One day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did.”

Anorak

Posted: 8th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Outkast’s Big Boi Has His Viagra Swiped By The Cops

RAP is a very, very macho world. And so, the news that Outkast tunesmith Big Boi has been arrested in Miami for possession of drugs – including Viagra – won’t be good news for his cred.

Sniffer dogs and men in hats found him to be in possession of the cock drops, alongside the more impressive ecstasy tablets and MDMA powder.

He said of the arrest:

“Fresh out baby!!!! They said it was the love boat.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 8th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Harper Seven Beckham Colonies Her Dad’s Chest (Harper Six Takes Africa)

DAVID Beckham’s newest accessory is a daughter named Harper VII.

News from the Harper colonies is that Harper I has infiltrated Africa and remains hopeful of retaking Namibia from The Brangelinas by October; Harpers II through V are working their way through South America and are optimistic on capturing the Eldorado 4 Men contract; and Harper VI is already at Stage 2b on her four-point plan to be adopted by Jennifer Aniston and secure the Junior L’Oreal contract.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Marilyn Monroe Film Opens In New York, Reminding Us All That She Was Pretty Fit

PRETTY much everyone on Earth has lusted after Marilyn Monroe at some point. It’s actually become a law that you have to have sexual thoughts about her, even if you have absolutely no interest in the female form.

And now, we’ll get the chance to remember how attractive she was as a film about the late actress’s time in England in 1956 is to premiere at the New York Film Festival.

My Week With Marilyn tells the tale of a brief encounter between Monroe and a set assistant while she was filming The Prince and the Showgirl with Laurence Olivier. Monroe will be played by the also fancied Michelle Williams. Kenneth Branagh star as Olivier to keep our arousal in check.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 8th, August 2011 | In: Film | Comment

RAED Is A Movie Star: Still Flowin’ – The Film Sensation Of The Year

RAED is not only Anorak’s favouite rapper – representing the future of hip-hip (must see) – he is also a film star, or movie star as his acolytes would have it. RAED is declared the Winner of World’s Got Talent 2011:

Anorak

Posted: 8th, August 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Shane Warne Turns Into A Walking Waxwork To Secure Carbon Tax Rebate

IS this what shagging Elizabeth Hurley does to your face – turn you into a walking waxwork? Is it all natural – has Warne found that with the cricket career over he can throw himself into doing something physical other than dodge teammates trying to pay his head and ruffle those hairs?

Anorak

Posted: 7th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

The Daily Mirror’s Weird Hatchet Job On BBC Radio DJ Steve Wright

DID you read about “the bizarre world of Steve Wright” in the Mirror?

Ryan Parry’s shocking expose on showbiz life is front-page news.

The Mirror online calls the BBC radio disc jockey “weird“. How weird is he? Well, let’s pick out the highlights:

Weird Fashion:

HE cuts a shambling and eccentric figure in ill-fitting black clothes with cap askew.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

The Big Chill 2011: In Photos (Fans, Bands And AMy Winehouse Tributes)

THE Big Chill 2011: In Photos:

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Image 1 of 10

Amy Winehouse graffiti near the main stage, at the Big Chill Festival 2011 at Eastnor Castle Deer Park in Herefordshire.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, August 2011 | In: Music | Comment

Is This Linda Evangelista Line The Greatest Celebrity Quote Ever?

THAT was the week when Linda Evangelista opined:

“On days when I do not work, I am working on my image”

(And you thought she was watching daytime telly…)

Anorak

Posted: 5th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

RAED Is Back: Anorak’s Fave Hip-Hop Artiste Returns

RAED – aka RAED – is back. The world’s top hip-hop artiste returns. For more of his work see here – the top video is fan-tas-tic!!!

She left me at a Christmas barbeque….uuuuuuuueueueueuuuuuuu….

Anorak

Posted: 5th, August 2011 | In: Music | Comment

Rowan Atkinson Crashes Supercar Into Supertree

LEGEND of British comedy, Rowan Atkinson, has decided to give us all a laugh today by crashing his supercar into a tree. Then a lamppost. Then it caught fire.

Seriously. That’s Baldrick levels of ace.

Mercifully for Blackadder/Mr Bean/That Police Thing He Was In fans, he’s in a stable condition. Which is good because you don’t tend to have little prangs when razzing around in a McLaren F1 supercar.

Atkinson earned himself a nice shoulder injury but managed to walk away from the flaming vehicle while he waited for an ambulance who probably thought the whole thing was some huge joke.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 5th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)