The Collected Wit And Wisdom Of Megan Fox – The Reluctant Sex Object

MEGAN Fox – the is not happy being a sex siren of the silver screen.

Shia LaBeouf, her co-star in the Transformers movies. He tells the LA Times:

“Megan developed this Spice Girl strength, this woman-empowerment [stuff] that made her feel awkward about her involvement with Michael [Bay], who some people think is a very lascivious filmmaker, the way he films women.”

Anorak

Posted: 5th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Coco Austin Marries Mr Marrow: Ice T Impressed

COCO Austin has been married to Ice T for ten years. Like you, we are thrilled. Anorak’s Woman of The Year and her man renewed their vows on a TV shows that co-starred the classy Tila Tequila, that one-woman content factory. We looked on as the vows were made:

I, Coco Austin, aka Nicole Austin, take thee Ice T to use my backside as a CD racks – and twice on Sundays for LPs.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kim Kardashian Rides The Pony At Her Engagement Party: Photos

KIM Kardashian is now engaged to a tall man called Kris Humphries. One say Kim will be called Kim Humpfries – aka Kim Hump for Frees. The engagement do featured live ponies doused in glitter – although it might be that Lady Kim just finished riding them – a “princess cake”, mum and dad looking like they missed their calling as brainwashers for the Stasi and a renegade Oompah Loomla . Enjoy…

Anorak

Posted: 4th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Pink Has A Baby Girl On Twitter: Willow Sage Hart Photos

PINK has always defined herself by what she’s isn’t. She’s not some stupid girl, she’s not shallow, she’s not like ‘them’, she’s ‘fragile’, she’s… well… incredibly ordinary if the truth be told.

You see, while passing herself off as this outsider who managed to win over the mainstream, she’s actually just like every other singer out there who thinks that her personal life is in some way special to us all. She’s told everyone about her sexuality, her break-ups and rows and now we’re going to hear aaaalll about her new baby girl, which was planted in Pink’s womb by husband Carey Hart.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 3rd, June 2011 | In: Music | Comments (18)

Reasons To be Cheerful: You Were ‘Scammed’ Out Of Take That Tickets And Missed The Olympic Kayaking

REASONS to be cheerful

1. Your wife did not get tickets you bought over the web for Take That’s Progress Live tour. As such, you will not be dropping your lover off at a large soulless venue, picketing her up three hours later and being told that Jason Orange is “well fit” and Howard Donald could super-injunction her any time…

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, June 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)

World’s Got Talent: Tonje Langeteig Sings I Don’t Wanna be a Crappy Housewife

ANORAK’S global quest for star quality – what we call World’s Got Talent – journeys to Norway, where Tonje Langeteig sings (sort of) the protest song of the 21st Century: I Don’t Wanna be a Crappy Housewife…

Previously:

USA: She’s Mad

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, June 2011 | In: Key Posts, Music | Comment (1)

The Greatest Film Threats Of All Time: This Is Fantastic (Video)

PRESENTING the greatest film/movie threats of all time. This ia fantastic. It is also NSFW – so turn the volume up.

How many films can you spot. We got 21.

They missed this.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, June 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comment

Katie Price’s Junior Lover Leandro Penna Looks Forward To Being Run Over By A Lorry

KATIE Price and Leandro Penna are talking to OK! about “THEIR PLANS FOR MARRIAGE AND BABIES”.

Says Katie:

“I’ve put on about half a stone but I’m happy.”

Is she pregnant? No. Is she getting married? No. So much for the OK! headlines. What else do we learn of the happy couple?

Says OK!:

“As she and Leo, 25, sit with the soles of their feet pressed together for their first ever joint interview, we chat to them with the help of their translator…”

Who need words when you are…sole mates (ouch!).

OK!: “How do you cope with the language barrier?”
Katie: “It’s intuitive, like it is with me and Harvey…”

Harvey is Katie’s 10-year-old son. The wholesome imagery is only added to when OK! asks:

“We think Leandro looks a bit like Junior.”

That’s Katie’s six-year-old son.

Katie then says Leandro has “impeccable manners” – “Like if we’re at dinner and someone is holding their knife and fork wrong [not to their throat?] he will tell them.”

And what says manners better than that?

Leandro goes on:

“The connection we have is so intense. Like sometimes I’ll be sitting and moving my head from side to side and she will know I’m…”

Listening to Stevie Wonder? Feeling caged?

“…looking for the remote control.”

Dang!

While Leo struggles to find Katie’s buttons, OK! presses on:

OK!: “Can you say something in Spanish?”
Katie: “Like what?”
OK!: “Maybe something like: ‘Could you please pass the toast?’”
Katie: “No, because I don’t like toast normally.”

It’s hard to top that but Leandro tries by telling us that what he loves about Katie Price, her massive Jordans, false teefs, dolly-dyed hair and face filler is that “she’s a natural girl”.

He ends with his views for the future:

“Who knows? I may leave this place and a lorry run me over.”

And we know what he means…

leandro-pena-1

Image 1 of 9

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, June 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

Robbie Williams Empties His Nuts In Esquire: Take That Singer Breeds Semen Monkeys

ROBBIE Williams says that – yes! – he does inject himself with a sex hormone. And – yes! – he does do this twice week.

We’d always believed Williams injected himself with a blend of ascorbic acid, Vimto and liquidised pork liver sausages. But the Sun says it IS a sex hormone.

Gordon Smart reads Williams’ interview with Esquire magazine and tells us on the Sun’s front page:

The TAKE THAT star, 37, said he uses testosterone jabs to fight crippling lethargy. He added: “It has changed my life. I feel I’m getting a second wind.”

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, June 2011 | In: Music | Comment

I Was Harrison Ford’s Stunt Double: Vic Armstong Writes

VIC Armstrong is the Hollywood stuntman who has written about playing the stunt double for Harrison Ford’s Indiana Jones in three of the adventurer’s films:

The next day we shot the fight around the plane. Harrison and Roach squared up to each other and Harrison threw a punch. “That’s great. Moving on,” said Steven. Now as a stunt co-ordinator my job is to make sure that, on film, those punches look like they’ve connected. I was standing looking right over the lens of the camera and in my opinion it was a miss. Now I was stuck between a rock and a hard place because Steven had called it good, but I thought I’d better say something. “Excuse me sir, that was actually a miss.” He went, “Oh, you again.” I said, “Yeah, sorry, it was a miss.” Steven paused briefly. “Well, I thought it was a hit.” I said, “No, I was actually looking over the lens and it was a miss, I think.” Finally Steven said, “OK, we’ll do it again.” After that take was completed Steven, sarcastically almost, turned to me and said, “How was that?” I went, “That was good. That was a hit.” And we carried on and created a great fight routine. Three days later we were all watching dailies when the shot that I’d said was a miss came on screen. Steven had printed it. The old heart started to go, but sure enough it was a miss and Steven, who was right in front of me, turned round and said, “Good call Vic.” I couldn’t do much wrong after that, it was great.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, June 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Rihanna Shoots A Rapist Dead

POP music has always traded on sex and shock to shift units. Elvis Presley used to gyrate like a man in the bath with a two-bar heater and Madonna made a whole book dedicated to making sheltered people gasp in astonishment (the rest of us were just sickened at the appearance of a shirtless Vanilla Ice).

And so, it isn’t really surprising when a new pop-star comes along and starts talking about taboo things. And, lately, Rihanna has been ramping things up. She made a record called S&M, which saw her talking about how much whips and chains excited her… and now she’s going to kill a rapist on our televisions.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 1st, June 2011 | In: Music | Comment

Kim Kardashian’s Pregnancy Photos Make Watermelons Weep

SHORT Kim Kardashian is having a baby with a tall man called Kris Humphries. While we wrestle with her married name being a product of nominative determinism and the sexual imagery, OK! says she is having a baby:

Now the happy couple’s family and friends have an another even more joyful surprise to celebrate: Kim and Kris are going to have a baby!

Fact!

“Kim always thought she’d have at least one or two kids by now, so she’s absolutely in a hurry,” an insider tells OK!. “And Kris loves kids and doesn’t see any reason to wait,” adds the pal. “Her friends are even taking bets on whether it will be a boy or a girl.”

Anorak

Posted: 1st, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Ryan Giggs Is WAGMAN – Manchester United Sexer Turns Imogen Thomas Lesbian

IMOGEN Thomas is a lesbian. And for that, you lady footballers can thank Manchester United’s Ryan Giggs.

In the Star’s “IMOGEN: SEX WITH GIGGS TURNED ME LESBIAN”, the bald, stressed, sacrificial, de-stressed, ‘raped‘, potential anorexic stripper says she’s off men and into women.

Might this be a new post-footy career for Giggsy – a man who can be hired by Wags to de-sex strumpets? Here’s the ad for WAGMan:

Are you worried about your footballer playing away? Are you anxious that other women are trying to seduce YOUR man? Well, worry no more. Hire Ryan Giggs and turn that secretary/ marketing rep/ translator / Big Brother contestant / MP / mum off men for good! Call 0800-ID-SUPERINJUNCTION-THAT!! NOW!!!!!!

Anorak

Posted: 1st, June 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (14)

Teen Singing ‘Throb, Sean Kingston, Critical After Tackling Bridge On Jetski With Head

ADULTS may not be familiar with the name Sean Kingston, but the rampant childbots of the internet are. They love him. They love him a bit like they love Justin Bieber, but not as much because Bieber is much thinner and whiter than Sean Kingston.

Either way, he capture the hearts of youngsters with his hit, ‘Beautiful Girls’, where the junior crooner declared that they made him feel “suicidal“, which is peculiar for a young man with all that life of beautiful girls ahead of him.

However, here comes the awkward twist. See, Kingston is in a critical condition after crashing his jet ski into a Miami Beach bridge. Sean and a female passenger were injured when they careered into the Palm Island Bridge over the weekend.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment

LeAnn Rimes Shows Off Her Incredibly Thin Body: Dogs Salivate

LEANN Rimes doesn’t just spell her name wrong and make really irritating country-pop while encouraging coal-eyed simpletons to dance atop the bars of the world, shortly before having their stomachs pumped of Jagerbombs.

No, she’s an alleged homewrecker too, running off with some married fella and getting him down the aisle herself before the whole America could throw up its arms in moral outrage.

And now she’s on her honeymoon, she’s having a gay old time, right? Wrong. Because everyone is pointing at her and being sick in their hands as they howl about her noticeable thinness.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Justin Bieber Rubs Selena Gomez’s Feet (Photo): He Does It With Girls

IN today’s episode of What Justin Bieber Does With Girls, Justin rubs Selena Gomez’s feet.

Hey, kids – Get. A,. Play. Pen.

Anorak

Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment

Joan Collins Advertises Her New York Flat In Hello! – The Expensive Real Estate Mag

JOAN Collins has found a new use for Hello! magazine in these recession-hit times. Joan is using the organ (£2 an issue!) to market her New York home.

Says Joan:

“I’ve got to cut back to three houses.”

Joan is never more at home in her grande dame brand than talking riches with a tongue engorged in her cheek. Joan stands to one side to allows readers to see the room. She adds:

“We had 40 people in this room but it didn’t feel in the slightest bit crowded.”

Anorak

Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Cheryl Cole: Lies, Channel FIVE And Mental Illness

WHAT news of Cheryl Cole? By now you’ll be wondering how she’s getting on in the USA. Are they, like us in the UK, attributing all manner of non-existent attributes upon the Geordie singer?

Well, the Mail tells us:

However, the Daily Mail has learned that since being sacked Mrs Cole has become ‘uncontactable’. She has refused to take phone calls from TV executives,

Anorak

Posted: 30th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt’s Sex Chat: Maddox Learns The Facts Of Life

ANGELINA Jolie and Brad Pitt have not been in the news as much as they were when they were adopting a coffee-table book full of children. But now they are back. And they want to talk about sex wand their kidzzzz. Says Pitt in USA Weekend:

“There are no secrets at our house. We tell the kids, ‘Mom and Dad are going off to kiss.’ They go, ‘Eww, gross!’ But we demand it.”

Anorak

Posted: 29th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Bald Imogen Thomas Shags Jermain Defoe As Ryan Giggs Loses Champions League

IMOGEN Thomas… What news? The News of The World tells us:

The beauty snuggled up to old flame Spurs striker Jermain Defoe on a romantic break at luxury health resort Champneys. She is rekindling her romance with him after he supported her through the scandal.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Kim Kardashian’s Ring Contains These Bible Quotes: God Sues

KIM Kardashian’s ring – no, the other one – continues to make news. The story goes that Kris Humphries’s massive rock – not, the other one –  features the etched words of two Bible passages.

Nothing says spiritulity and enshrines God’s wisdom like a £2milion diamond worn on the finger of a woman who chases fame like a fly persues an incontinent dog.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Amy Winehouse Goes Back To Rehab – Again

REMEMBER the days when Amy Winehouse was famous for being a reasonably exciting singer? Alas, since then, she’s disappeared down a booze hole, leaving her career wide open for lesser acts to cash-in on. We’re looking at you Paloma Faith. And you Adele.

Yep, Winehouse only ever appears on the radar when she’s fallen over after a skinful or, briefly, re-emerged with some hilarious new breasts that looked like floating liquid in a space shuttle.

And now she’s in the news again and, predictably, it isn’t with talk of a new record, but rather, she’s off to rehab again.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 27th, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment

Courtney Love Slags Lady GaGa Without A Trace Of Irony

SOME of you might think that Courtney Love is in no position to slate anyone else for anything, ever. And you’d be right because, of all the people in the celebsphere, she’s one of the most grotesque and worrying.

Shall we weigh it all up? She’s famous for being a strung-out heroin addict who had her baby taken off her. She’s a woman who has one of the most unusual faces on Earth thanks to getting plastic surgery from someone we can assume has Parkinson’s Disease. She’s taken to ranting garbled messages on Twitter, some of which attack her only daughter. She’s demented enough to have shagged Michael Stipe. She’s posted pictures of herself online with no clothes on, only to foam at the baps about how there’s some kind of conspiracy against her.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 27th, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment

Mariah Shriver And Sarah Ferguson To Form Oprah TV Double Act: Mildred Baena On Jermy Kyle

ARNOLD Schwarzenegger’s son Joe, the one he had with Mildred Baena, used to visit the Spermiantor’s fmaily home and play with his four other kids (number is liable to alteration). But Mrs Arnie, the fragrant Maria Shriver, scion of the Kennedy dynasty and thus a figure virtually reared on tales of extra-martial sex, never knew. To her, the sight of five square-jawed robot-kinder that looked a lot like her husband in place of the four she has with the actor aroused no suspicions.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

David Hasselhoff’s Sofa Bed News Of The Day: With Louis Spence And Gary Barlow

LOUIS Spence, the tush and teefs star of TV’s Pineapple Dance Studios, shares with heat readers news of his meeting with David Hasselhoff, the torso and teefs star of Baywatch and lately Britain’s Got Talent. When starring together in panto, The Hoff presented La Spence with a Christmas gift bag containing: “A David Hasselhoff bag, Hasselhoff CD, Hasselhoff calendar and signed Hasselhoff picture.”

Anorak

Posted: 27th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment