Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
JLS And the Gay Jews Of Eyes Wide Open: Photos
TO the screening of the new JLS film in 3D. It’s called Eyes Wide Open. Why is unclear. Maybe it’s a command from the producers to the children who will watch the thing: “Eyes Wide Open! No slouching, or nodding off. There will be questions later.”
Quesions like: Is this the end of JLS? Who put together a guest list that included bits of The Saturdays, One Direction, Harry Derbridge (The Only Way Is Essex), Billie Faiers and a load of others who aren’t too busy to watch a free film at the Soho Hotel in London?
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Coco Austin Is Fashion Licious: Human Sausage Meat Range In Photos
COCO Austin is heading to your closet. Throw out the romper suits, the shoulder pads and the back panels and hinges – Coco, the walking Chateau Beauvais armoire has fashions. Coco’s range is called Licious – because anything can be licious: Bootylicious, Rooneylicious, Talibanlicious and so on…
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Posted: 26th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
The People Of Walmart Theme Song: Mr Ghetto Fetches The Mop
HEAR ye! Hear ye! People of Walmart – you have a new anthem.
Mr. Ghetto brings your shopping trolly sex with a space hopper bounce.
This song covers pretty much all of the stuff on sale in Walmart: washing products, children’s clothes, genital wipes, melons, toilet paper, Fruit Loops and that stuff that cleans the detritus of virtual life from your keyboard…
Christina Hendricks On How Good Lighting Wins Fair Bosoms
CHRISTINA Hendricks goes on the record to tell us that – yes – her breasts are real. With that established, you can now concentrate on the other parts of Hendricks that attracted you to click on the headline and view this story.
“I hope I’m not encouraging [breast augmentation]. If there’s anything to be learned from me it’s that I’m learning to celebrate what I was born with, even though it’s sometimes been inconvenient. Having larger breasts has made it harder for me to shop throughout the years, but I’ve learned to love it. It’s so bizarre that people are constantly asking if my breasts are real or fake. They’re so obviously real that anyone who’s ever seen or touched a breast would know.”
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Posted: 26th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Justin Bieber Makes Terrifying Pest Perfume
JUSTIN Bieber may well be a matter of seconds old, but that doesn’t stop him from creaming every last penny out of the world’s prepubescent girls.
He’s launched a range of nail varnish as well as a singing toothbrush and, now, he’s behind a girl’s perfume that encourages the cell-sized singer to creep into your room like Dracula with an annoying fringe, only to sniff your neck and fly away like some perverted Peter Pan.
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Kerry Katona’s Happiness Dump And Josie Gibson’s Agony
OK! magazine excels itself this week with a photoshopped cover “HOLIDAY EXCLUSIVE” that places Kerry Katona (sunhat, bikini, vim-coloured teeth) beside Big Brother winner Josie Gibson (huge flower in hair, printed smock, jeans, cheap jewellery). One is dressed for a readers’ wives home photos shoot; the other is off to the local shops.
The headline seeks to tie the two reality show winners together with more than bad technology:
“UNITED IN HEARTBREAK – JOSIE AND KERRY FIGHT BACK”
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Posted: 25th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
James Bond Gets Carte Blanche: Throbbing Extracts Of Manhood
JAMES Bond has a new adventure. Thriller writer Jeffery Deaver was apporached by Ian Fleming Publications to write a James Bond novel. (In 2004, Deaver won the Crime Writers’ Association’s Ian Fleming Steel Dagger Award for his book Garden of Beasts.) He agreed. He created ‘Carte Blanche‘.
Says Deaver:
“In the world of espionage, giving an agent carte blanche on a mission comes with an enormous amount of trust and constantly tests both personal and professional judgement. Part of the nonstop suspense in the novel is the looming question of what is acceptable in matters of national and international security. Are there lines that even James Bond should not cross?”
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Imogen Thomas Interview: Ryan Giggs Cost Her £100,000 And Her Hair
RYAN Giggs. Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs. Nice to be able to actually say his name out loud isn’t it? Thanks for falling on the sword John Hemming MP.
Anyway, all this Ryan Giggs business has been a unravelling farce which no-one can fully agree on.
Either way, there was a situation when many were saying his name over and over, while the press was gagged. The press didn’t like it and were always going to retaliate, which they’ll do in spades to the footballer who has caused his own Streisand Effect.
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Posted: 24th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)
Jean-Claude Carrière See Proust Unread On Your Death Bed
IN Today’s edition of We Are Not Worthy, we hear from Jean-Claude Carrière, a script writer:
There are books on our shelves we haven’t read and doubtless never will, that each of us has probably put to one side in the belief that we will read them later on, perhaps even in another life. The terrible grief of the dying as they realise their last hour is upon them and they still haven’t read Proust.
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Pirates Of The Caribbean Bilge Is Good News For Web Pirates
THE latest episode of the Pirates of the Caribbean series (Pirate Of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides) limps in to view on a wormy peg leg. David Cox looks at the “industry’s real pirates” ripping off the creators with authentic pirate stuff.
The industry’s captains are appalled by piracy that’s actually aimed at themselves – so much so that they now treat their own customers as potential thieves…
Fancy seeing Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides? It’s on at the Empire Leicester Square in London, where a couple of seats in the circle for you and your beloved will set you back £35.30. If you’re going to bring the kids and throw in popcorn and Coke, you’d better take out a mortgage first.
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Jedward To Team Up With Aerosmith, Which Is Completely Fine
JEDWARD are in grave danger of having their credibility ruined by teaming up with ageing rock testicles, Aerosmith. Well kinda. Not the whole of Aerosmith, but mainman, Steven Tyler, who is currently sat at home ironing his face in a trouser press.
Dr Seuss’ Thing A and Thing B come to life Jedward may be, but they’re putting all that Eurovision Song Contest thing behind them (unlike Blue who will be self-harming over the whole thing for decades yet) by looking forward to a duet with one of rock’s most unwilling to disappear.
It appears that the leaping twins of doom will be teaming up with withered balloon animal of RAWK to record a new version of Aerosmith’s Walk This Way, which no-one wanted or asked for.
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Quite Obvious Former Smackhead, Bob Dylan, Admits He Used To Take Heroin
TAKE one look at Bob Dylan – who just happens to be celebrating his 70th birthday tomorrow, despite looking and sounding like a 70 year old since around 1964 – and you think, there’s a man who used to like bags of heroin disappearing up his puny arms.
Even the photographs of him in his youth look like he was a smackhead. Of course he was! Just about every singer in the ’60s and ’70s was strung out on the horse at some point!
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Posted: 23rd, May 2011 | In: Music | Comments (3)
Trying To Swallow Gwyneth Paltrow At The Chelsea Flower Show
GWYNETH Paltrow has been at the Chelsea Flower Show. We spotted her in the B&Q Garden – “the tallest edible garden at the Chelsea Flower Show!” The garden focuses on “growing your own” food and contains the tallest structure ever at Chelsea – a glass tower block-like building complete with window boxes full of vegetables. Eat it and weep, foodies.
Gwynnie is the ubiquitous UK-adopted star? As she reportedly said:
“I love the English lifestyle, it’s not as capitalistic as America. People don’t talk about work and money, they talk about interesting things at dinner.
“I like living here because I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans.”
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Posted: 23rd, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Denise Van Outen And Mildred Baena’s Face
ARNOLD Schwarzenegger – in the news for shagging Mildred Baena (photos) and having a ten year old child with behind the back of all media – was a “sexual dynamo” who, says the NoTW, “deliberately targeted unattractive women for affairs – because they worshipped him more than beautiful ones.”
The source of this is a “dossier” put together by “former Hollywood private eye Anthony Pellicano”.
In it, he opines:
“Gorgeous women intimidate Schwarzenegger because they are harder to please. He sees himself as the dominant, beautiful one.”
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Posted: 23rd, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Peter Andre Won’t Be Dating You Famous Women, So You Can Breathe Easy
DESPITE barely registering on most people’s scale of celebrity, Peter Andre has an almost charming delusion that he’s a big deal. He takes his music very seriously (no, honestly he does – if he was any more earnest, he’d be a good replacement for the Montell Williams Show) and is very, very keen to remind us all what a good parent he is.
Not that anyone cares about his stupid offspring.
And now, for reasons unclear, Pete wants to inform us all that he won’t be dating women who are in the public eye anymore. Is that because they don’t tend to recognise him?
“I always thought they should understand your job, but given the option now I would like to stay away from dating anyone in the industry.”
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Posted: 22nd, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
English Demand Independence For Scotland At The Scottish Pipe Band Championships
IN today’s Independence For Scotland campaign, the English Independent Party sends us photos of the Scottish Pipe Band Championships in Dumbarton. Says on experts:
“If it wasn’t for the bagpipes, Scotland never would have been conquered. It was the Englishmen’s grim determination to shut the blasted things up that led to so much ferocity in battle and, ultimately, the creation of Tony Blair.”
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Posted: 21st, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
Pauline Quirke To Play Jailed Pete Doherty In TV Biopic?
PETER Doherty’s Court Room Tour 2011 is on a break. The usual show will resume in a maximum of six months from now, when Pete’s sentence for possessing cocaine expires.
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Posted: 20th, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
The Tale Of Jane Fonda, Her $55k False Teeth And Her Sex Life
WHEN you think of Jane Fonda, you may well think about her as an actress or fitness instructor or, indeed, something of a political activist (probably the coolest looking political activist ever, granted).
However, you can now think of her as having the most expensive gnashers in Hollywood as reports break out to much antipathy that the star has pooh-poohed the idea of splashing her riches on things like cars in favour having $55,000’s worth of false teeth in her face.
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Posted: 20th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Todd Burpo’s Tale Of Colton’s Trip To Heaven Is Now A Major Motion Picture
COLTON Burpo went to Heaven and saw things of wonder. His dad Todd Burpo wrote a book about his son’s trip. Heaven is for Real is the book that proves Christianity is right. Burpo, a pastor of Imperial’s Crossroads Wesleyan Church, had proof. And now that book is to be made into a major motion picture. Richard Bartholomew explains:
Sony Pictures has acquired screen rights to the book Heaven Is For Real: A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip To Heaven And Back, written by Todd Burpo and Lynn Vincent. Joe Roth will produce with T.D. Jakes.
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Posted: 20th, May 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comment (1)
Lars Von Trier’s Porn Stack Joke: Did Nicole Kidman Laugh?
LARS Von Trier is Nazi non grata at the 2011 Cannes film festival. But were his jackboot-in-mouth comments an improvised, bad joke told in a second language, possibly to try and shame and shock Kirsten Dunst sat to his side, or something more sinister? Anorak reader Debbie directs us to an interview the Guardian’s Tim Adams conducted with Paul Bettanty in 2004.
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Posted: 20th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment (1)
Nazi Lars Von Trier Earns Rave Reviews In Austria, Germany, Paraguay, Eltham And Switzerland
LARS Von Trier’s film Melancholia will be a big hit in the beer cellars of Austria, and a wow with the key Unrepentant Old Racist demographic in Switzerland, Germany, Paraguay, parts of Eltham, south east London, and Brazil.
Von Trier, a Dane, was sat alongside film star Kirsten Dunst while praising Hitler at the Cannes Film Festival and “joking” about being a Nazi. What he said was:
“I really wanted to be a Jew, and then I found out that I was really a Nazi, because, you know, my family was German. Which also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler, but I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely. But I can see him sitting in his bunker in the end. He’s not what you would call a good guy, but I understand much about him, and I sympathize with him a little bit. But come on, I’m not for the Second World War, and I’m not against Jews… I am very much for Jews. No, not too much, because Israel is a pain in the ass. How can I get out of this sentence? OK, I’m a Nazi.”
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Posted: 20th, May 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comments (2)
Ivor Novello Awards 2011: All The Winners In Photos
THE Ivor Novello Awards 2011 In Photos – featuring: Plan B took (winners of awards for Album Of The Year (The Defamation Of Strickland Banks), Most Performed Work (She Said) and Best Songwriter; Tinie Tempah’s gong for Best Contemporary Song (Pass Out); Dizzee Rascal gets the – ahem – Inspiration Award; Villagers’ Conor O’Brien who won Best Song Musically And Lyrically (Becoming A Jackal); Muse with their International Achievement award ; Lily Allen, Katy B, Jo Whiley, Beverly Knight, Jimmy Page, Bombay Bicycle Club, Foals and Paul Simon.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger And Mildred Patricia Baena’s Love Child Photos
ARNOLD Schwarzenegger, star of True Lies and Junior, has a love child with Mildred Patricia Baena. Arnies’ wife, Maria Shriver, and Baena were both pregnant at the same time. Shriver and Arnie’s ‘s son Christopher was born on September 27, 1997. Mildred and Arnie”s child was born on October 2, 1997. They could pass for – yep, you’re well ahead of us – Twins…
Posted: 18th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Kerry Katona Puts A Bin Bag On Cheryl Cole’s What’s ‘It’
KERRY Katona is using her OK! diary to talk about Cheryl Cole. It’s golden, heart-warming stuff:
“Don’t get me wrong, you could put a bin bag on Cheryl Cole and she’d look good, but I really don’t think she looked very nice in that bold outfit last week. It came across as if she was trying too hard. The trousers were far too long and that hair was very big for such a little person – she looked like cousin It from the Addams Family.”
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Posted: 18th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Snoop Dogg Wants Hip Hop X Factor
WHILE The X Factor appears to be set to take over the world, everyone else looks on wondering if they should cut their ears off with shears or, indeed, invent their own version which speaks to them instead of putting up with the histrionics of wannabes yet to learn subtlety.
And with that, Snoop Dogg wants to do a rap take on the successful franchise.
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