Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Has Cheryl Cole Had A Boob Job Or Just Bought A New Bra?
CHERYL Cole is the talk of Hollywood… or, more accurately, because she’s gone to America, she’s the talk of Britain where we’ve heard of her before and eagerly await her failure. That’s not to say she will fail, but rather, everyone suspects she might because America has a way of chewing up and spitting out those who try to conquer it.
Look at Robbie Williams.
Of course, everything in America is bigger and bolder. And, when in Rome, one must do as the Romans do, Cheryl got a backcomb so big that even drag queens thought it was a little on the crass side. Not needing any excuse at all, everyone has started to stare at the Girls Aloud singer’s breasts and now under the impression that she may have had some work done.
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Posted: 18th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
Peter Andre’s Romantic Lunch With The Nanny
IN this week’s OK!,. Peter Andre is “WITH HIS GORGEOUS GIRL”. He is on a “ROMANTIC DATE”.One clue to how romantic this “date” is comes inside OK!, whereby we learn:
“OK! JOINS PETER ANDRE ON HIS ROMANTIC DATE”
If Anorak had to pick an organ to join him on a romantic date it would be The Lady or Chat Wordsearch. OK! are just so, well, earnest. And they tilt the soup bowl the wrong way.
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Posted: 18th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Photos Of Mildred Baena: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Love Baby Mama Exposed
ARNOLD Schwarzenegger fathered a child by a staffer named Mildren Patricia Baena, aka Patty Baena, before he began his politcal career. The story never came out until now. Who needs super injunctions when the press is the pocket of the elite? Here’s Mildred:
Posted: 18th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (16)
Angelina Jolie Adopts Kung Fu Panda
ANGELINA Jolie will now explain what Kung Fu Panda, a cartoon about an obese panda bear that learns to kick a snow leopard in the face, means to her and her kinfolk:
Hello!: “Here the 35-year-old opens her heart about relishing her return to the Kung Fu Panda franchise because themes of the martial arts adventure – from strong women to adoption – hit so very close to home.”
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Posted: 17th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Arnold Schwarzenegger Secret Love Child Exposed: The Sperminator Explains
ARNOLD Schwarzenegger, now known as The Sperminator, has not only been shagging the help – he’s fathered a child by one worker (she’s called Mildred Patricia Baena – photos of her and a child) at his family home. The L.A. Times reports that the baby was born over ten years ago – before Arnie became a politico.
The mother had the baby and continued to work for the Family Arnie for ten years. She only retired from servicing Arnie in January. Mrs Arnie, Maria Shriver, thought the baby was fathered by the woman’s husban.
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Posted: 17th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (6)
Imogen Thomas: Blackmailer Or Not?
THIS writer has been warned away from a number of stories thanks to the ubiquitous super injunction. Kinda irritating when you meet the celebrity in question and have to stand there with a big shit-eating grin on your face, coupled with whitened knuckles of frustration.
One super injunction that seems to have a whole bunch of names attached to it regardless is the one involving Imogen Thomas, who you may remember as being ‘Her Off Big Brother 7 Who Had The World’s Most Listless Sex Tape Leaked’.
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Posted: 17th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Is Cheryl Cole Dating Steve Jones In Moist Publicity Stunt?
SINCE Cheryl Cole split with that dastardly greed-monger, Ashley Cole, she’s been somewhat billed as some kind of forlorn, sexless damsel, just looking for anyone, ANYONE to make her happy.
Of course, there were rumours that she was bumping her uglies with Derek Hough, but no-one can fully embrace the notion that he’s straight, so that didn’t run like it may’ve. There’s also will.i.am, but no-one honestly believes that he has any genitalia at all.
And so, while Cheryl is away backcombing her hair in America, and feeling all homesick, she’s apparently bunked-up with X Factor USA host, Steve Jones. That’s right. Steve Jones. Former T4 presenter and man so handsome that he makes armchairs aroused.
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Posted: 17th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Pippa Middleton’s Bum Is Served With Strawberries and Lashings Of Cream
BY now you will wondering what Ulkrika Jonsson made of Pippa Middleton’s Royal wedding bum?
Finally, we can tell you that Jonsson has views on the woman “the likes of which we have never seen before”.
“Pippa’s posterior is…not just peachy – it’s peaches and cream. It’s womanly: there’s enough of it, but not too much. It is shapely but without being overbearing or, God forbid, attention seeking.”
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Posted: 17th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)
Charlie Sheen Not Happy About Ashton Kutcher Replacing Him, Which Is A Massive Surprise
REMEMBER us telling you that Ashton Kutcher was to replace Charlie Sheen on Two And A Half Men? Do you recall that rising tide of ambivalence toward the whole story in your gut as you wondered why anyone would want to know should tawdry details about a show that no-one outside of America is stupid enough to watch?
Well, in what is devastatingly surprising news, Charlie Sheen wants to say something about it all.
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Posted: 16th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Iron Sky Is The Best Nazi Moon Film Of The Year
IRON Sky is the best sci-fi-Nazi-dark-side-of-the moon film you’ll see this year – maybe. It’s inspired by the fine men and women at the Daily Sport:
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Tree Of Life: Brad Pitt Plays The Draconian Father You Can Write About
WE spotted Brad Pitt at the Cannes Film Festival 2011. The would-be Mr Angelina Jolie was signing autographs after a press conference for Tree of Life.
. Do you remember when Brad and Angelina were in the papers pretty much every day on account of their love for each other; his alleged love for Jennifer Aniston; her alleged love for [insert animate and inanimate object here]? Well, now you hardly ever see them let alone read about them unless it’s do with their work with children, charity or film? Anyone know why..?
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Rebecca Black Pregnancy Photo: Pregnant Or Not?
THERE now follows some Rebecca Black pregnancy news. The singer of Friday is not pregnant.
Rebecca confirms on her twitter page that she is in fact NOT pregnant.
She is also not dead, not married to Osama Bin Laden, not shagging Wayne Rooney, not French and, thanks to an allegedly leaked super injuntion, not ****ing a ***ent **** **j** ** * ******.
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Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Premier Photos: Johnny Depp’s Haddock Curtains
TO the UK premier of the latest Pirates of the Caribbean film: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. All the usual stuff – Johnny Depp’s hair curtains, Jessica Lowndes sex appeal, Penelope Cruz’s simmer, British celebs filling the free seats, like the ever present Lizzy Cundy, and the fans trying to catch a glimpse of the famous. But the star was undoubtedly a blonde called Laura Haddock. Did she get invited on the strength of her name. And if so, what odds on a walk-on part for Michael Fish in Pirate Of The Caribbean: Bracing Winds ..?
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Imogen Thomas Is ‘Cracking Up’ On Twitter (Still Gagging for It?)
IMOGEN Thomas is “Cracking Up”. So says the Daily Star in:
“GAGGING SCANDAL BABE: I’M CRACKING UP”
IMOGEN Thomas last night revealed her super injunction hell has driven her to the brink of a breakdown.
What super-injunction? A super injunction means a ban on even reporting on the injunction. This is no such thing. This is an injunction banning anyone, including Thomas, from revealing the name of the married Premier League footballer player she was apparently shagging because it would damage his family.
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Posted: 13th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Quentin Tarantino And Lady GaGa To Team Up For A Movie?
SEEING as Quentin Tarantino allowed Lady GaGa to use the Kill Bill Pussywagon in the singer’s promotional video for Telephone, it isn’t surprising that the film director is looking at GaGa and thinking of putting her in one of his films.
And what better way to try and sweeten the deal than by getting Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to butter up the Judas singer while on a jolly at the Cannes Film Festival? Unless they tried to adopt her, which could be kinda irritating.
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Dan Aykroyd Has 21,000 Bottles Of Vodka Stolen From Him
POOR old Dan Aykroyd. He’s currently mourning the loss of 21,000 bottles of vodka stolen from him. He was, apparently, planning on drinking them this weekend as well.
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Posted: 12th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Martine McCutcheon Wrestles With Child Sex Trafficking
IF there is one thing celebrities love more than being noticed it is a cause. Today we watched the former EastEnders star turned jobbing yogurt muncher Martine McCutcheon on the steps of 10 Downing Street in London after handing in a petition for the Stop Sex Trafficking of Children and Young People Campaign.
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Posted: 12th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Lindsay Lohan: No Contest Plea Over Tacky But Expensive Necklace
EVEN though she dressed like an Italian prostitute in court, spent years making everyone jealous by being stinkin’ rich and having sex with all manner of men and women, while (allegedly) indulging in amazing amounts of drink and drugs, Lindsay Lohan is going to give the doe-eyes and plead ‘no contest’ in court.
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Posted: 11th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
George Michael Is A Role Model For Singing Unshaven Gay Pot Heads
GEORGE Michael is seen pictured at The Royal Opera House in Covent Garden where he announced his latest tour Symphonica.
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Posted: 11th, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
L’Oreal National Movie Awards: Photos Of The PR-Driven ITV Advertorial
ARE the L’Oreal National Movie Awards the most dire and desperate awards in the business? The categories Must See Movie Of The Summer and One to Watch: Brits Going Global show that this is an awards do formed by the PR industry.
You can tell a lot about the calibre of an awards do by seeing if it is on ITV (if it is, it’s most likely crap) and the venue: it’s Wembley Arena, a place blessed with all the soulfulness of Simon Cowell sat on pile of gold licking his eyelids.
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There’s Nothing Cynical About JLS Wanting To Collaborate With Gwyneth Paltrow
BACKFLIPPING saccharine irritants and tepid pop dispensers, JLS, want to collaborate with Gwyneth Paltrow. Why? It might have something to do with the fact that she’s very famous, recently decided to become a singer, appeared warbling on an award ceremony with Cee Lo Green, married to insipid Coldplayer Chris Martin and is the talk of Tinseltown thanks to an appearance on TV smash, Glee.
Nothing cynical about that then.
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The Beatles’ Strawberry Fields Gates For Sale?
THE gates at Liverpool’s Strawberry Fields have gone. The gates of the park immortalised in The Beatles hit have been removed. No, readers, it’s not theft. Chances are, though, that the 100-year-old gates will be sold legitimately to make some cash for the The Salvation Army that owns the place.
The new gates have been hand-crafted by Jim Bennett and gifted to the charity. So, any Beatles fans with a marker pen now has a blank canvas…
Posted: 11th, May 2011 | In: Music | Comments (2)
Whitney Houston Totters Off To Rehab While Prince Scowls At Her
GLASSY-EYED pop diva, Whitney Houston, is not having a good time of it at the moment. Or rather, perhaps she’s having too much of a good time and it has started to rot her brains and liver.
You see, the Bodyguard singer has had to return to rehab because she (allegedly) likes taking too many drugs and wolfing down too much booze.
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Some Idiot Decides To Give Bristol Palin Her Own TV Show
PRANCING politician offspring, Bristol Palin, is to get her own reality television show in the United States of America. That’s right. That bizarre collection of country-sized states are seemingly hell-bent on making a star of the loinular-produce of one of the most spectacularly dim politicians to ever walk the Earth.
While Sarah Palin is staring at an Atlas and still not quite getting the whole ‘Africa is a continent’ thing and going out shooting elk through the face, despite having access to perfectly good food stores, the TV viewing public will be able to tune in to a show on US cable channel Bio, which will presumably feature Bristol staring into the middle distance and trying to remember to breathe in, and out, in, and out.
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Posted: 10th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Rap Music’s Rebecca Black Sings ‘She’s Mad’
ANORAK’S World’s Got Talent presents the rapping Rebecca Black that is ‘She’s Mad‘ – but if likes this song, who are we to judge…
Spotters: Robert Popper, @mikederob
