Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Katie Price Regurgitates Bunting For William And Kate: The Worst Photoshopped Photo Ever
OK! is inviting “YOU” “INSIDE” the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton.
This is “OK!’s Royal Invitation”.
Only, it isn’t. If you carry a copy of OK! to the gates of Westminster Abbey, you will not get in. If you take it to Buckingham Palace for the reception, you will likewise find your way barred.
What OK! readers do get is a photoshopped image of Katie Price, Alec Gerrard, Kimberley Walsh and Kerry Katona sat about a table laden with sticky buns and festooned with bunting.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 27th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Nigella Lawson Will Not Be Losing Any Weight Anytime Soon, Okay?
WOMEN! Are you ‘curvy’? That’s cool. Curves are all well and good. Unless, of course, you’re one of those hideous simpletons who consider ‘curvy’ women to be ‘real’, therefore rendering thinner women ‘fictional’.
See, there’s been a propensity for some gals to throw ‘curvy’ at everyone, usually due to the fact that they’re imagining that everyone thinks they’re fat. For the most part, people are lost in their own daydreams and couldn’t care less about the weight of other humans, leaving all talk of ‘I’m fine with my weight ACTUALLY!’ looking like a hang-ups klaxon.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 26th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Tony Blair Stars In Port Talbot Passion Play: Martin Sheen Is Away
MICHAEL Sheen – or was it Tony Blair? – was playing the role of Jesus Christ – or was it Tony Blair? – in a Passion play in Port Talbot.
You’ve never seen Sheen or Tony Blair in the same place at the same time.
Hey, you’ve never seen Tony Blair or Jesus in the same place at the same time.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 24th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Harry Potter Pothead Rupert Grint Smoking A Bong? Photo
IS this a photo of Harry Potter actor Rupert Grint smoking a bong? The photo was, allegedly, taken at a Harry Potter cast party. And if it is Grint, what is he smoking, if anything?
Dunno. But here are some puns:
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 22nd, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Elton John Introduces Zachary: Saviour Of The Dressing Gown Industry
ELTON John is now ready to showcase his son on the telly. John, David Furnish and son Zachary Levon Furnish-John-Dwight-Luther-Blissett-Junior are dressed in dressing gowns before Barbara Walters, the US broadcaster.
Sir Elton (striped silk) and Furnish (white towelling embroidered with his name – an aide de memoir to match the tattoo of Zachary’s name he now bears on his arm. There is no obvious tattoo helping Furnish to recall who John is, but we advise him to buy a programme for the singer’s current world tour and a ticket for this September when Sir Elton begins a residency at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas that will run into 2014.)
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 22nd, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Lady GaGa Didn’t Mean ‘Retard’ Like That, She Meant It The Other Way
UH-OH! Lady Gaga is in trouble again! Why? Has she been wearing meat again, making vegetarians puke? Nope. Has she been living inside a hot water bottle made from tinfoil while wearing a hat made from scrota?
Sadly not. She’s got into a little trouble because she said the word “retarded”.
That’s right. When answering claims that she copied Madonaa’s ‘Express Yourself’ on her (infuriatingly catchy) ‘Born This Way’, she said:
“I’m a songwriter. I’ve written loads of music. Why would I try to put out a song and think I’m getting one over on everybody? That’s retarded.”
Read the rest of this entry »
Morrissey Talks About David Cameron, Like You Care
MORRISSEY, rock’s longest face, has refuted claims that he banned suet faced Prime Minister David Cameron from his dressing room at a concert.
The fact is, Mozza probably didn’t have to ban Cameron from his shows because the coalition leader will have no doubt been sneered at by bespectacled Smiths fans, all pathetically grazing his back with their well thumbed Morrissey scrapbooks, pomade and NHS hearing aids.
Seeing as Cameron is a Tory, he’s completely oblivious to criticism. You could call him the most unspeakable insult right to his puddingy head, and he’d spin it into some kind of discourse about something so tedious, that you’ll end up killing yourself at his feet, which he’d then use as encouragement to carrying the devastating cuts, as tribute to you.
Read the rest of this entry »
Peter Andre Didn’t Hump Elen Rivas While His Children Watched
PETER Andre is a modern day saint. Think about it. He had sexual relations with Katie Price so no-one else had to. He really took one for the team while Jordan fell on the metaphorical sword.
Of course, Price went off with Alex Reid, attracted to his womanly frame and the fact that he was so dumb that he couldn’t spot that he was nothing more than bait to make Peter Andre jealous. This saw Andre crying on Sky News at the hands of the monster that is Kay Burley.
Then, secretly, Pete started going out with Elen Rivas. Sadly for him, everyone had kinda guessed it already.
About the fact he was keeping this relationship a secret, Andre says:
“I never let them see Elen and I in bed together, not ever.”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 20th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Charlie Sheen To Go To Court While Denise Richards Babysits
ISN’T it great that Charlie Sheen is still hauling his lumbering, near-dead frame around while muttering memes and such, in an attempt to get us to shower him with that thing he craves more than money – attention.
So needy is Charlie Sheen, that he’s probably started advertising for stalkers on top of the intern, which is most likely going to be some pneumatic blonde with a surgeon’s bosom.
However, Sheen wants to bring his kids up right, amongst the adult actresses, suitcases of drugs and people crying in cupboards. That’s why he’s taking his estranged wife, Brooke Mueller, to court in an attempt to get custody of his twin sons.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 20th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Katy Perry Saves Russell Brand From A Soggy Arthur Remake: Photos
WILL Arthur launch Russell Brand into the US as an actor of note? The 1981 original turned Dudley Moore into a big star and win an Oscar for John Gielgud. Or will Brand do for Arthur what Jude Law did for Alfie: make the original look even better? Is the film any good and is Brand as likeable and cuddly as Moore?
The experts have watched it:
“Russell Brand gives a career-killing performance,” David Edelstein, New York magazine
“Make no mistake, people are going to hate Brand in this” – Pete Vonder Haar , Houston Chronicle
“He should follow his creative heart and stop going for the big Hollywood money. Let him do something that is more about taking risks” – Eddie Murphy
Read the rest of this entry »
Lady Gaga Is Not Madonna’s Camel: She Also Looks Like Kylie, Britney And Christina
LADY Gaga is pilloried for being Madonna’s cameal – a popstar formed by committee. But the criticism is unfair: Lady Gaga has also adopted the looks of Kylie Minogue, Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguilera, Grace Jones and Britney Spears. It is all done with a massive sense of self-awareness, of course. Gaga would not more pass off an old look as her own as she would bash out a Euro pop number entitled Alejandro that sounds a lot like an Ace Of Base track, which in turn was not overly different to Aswad’s Don’t Turn Around…
Posted: 20th, April 2011 | In: Music | Comments (4)
Susan Boyle Waxes: Photos Of The Hair Angel’s Public Smoothing
SUSAN Boyle is no longer a Hairy Angel, having been immortalised in wax at the opening of Madame Tussauds, Blackpool.
Boyle is now the Depilated Angel, guaranteed not to chaffe your tongue, tickle your top lip nor ladder your tights.
Read the rest of this entry »
Kate Hudson Talks About Why She Loves Rodent Faced Muse Singer
AWFUL prog band, Muse, have inexplicably become one of the biggest bands on the planet. With this fame, singer Matt Bellamy has even managed to bag himself a glamorous gal in the shape of Kate Hudson. That’s Kate ‘the fit one from Almost Famous and daughter of Goldie Hawn’ Hudson to you.
And somehow, Bellamy has even convinced her to have a child with him.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 19th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Charlie Sheen’s Estranged Wife Nips Off To Rehab Looking Glassy Eyed
MEME on legs, Charlie Sheen, is a man seemingly destined to create a whirlpool of near-death around him. In some respects, it is very impressive – the other angle is that its all incredibly distressing watching a group of people unravel while a man shouts “WINNING TIGER BLOOD OF BAYONETS!” or whatever the latest idiotic buzzword is.
Then again, who are we to care? He’s an obscenely wealthy man who can toot his way through suitcases of cocaine and die, right there, before our very eyes, becoming yet another bizarre celebrity footnote that we’ll invariably half-remember in a decade or so, when we’re talking about stupid people and their stupid dying.
And the latest person to look all dead-in-the-eyes is Sheen’s estranged wife, Brooke Mueller.
Over the weekend, Brooke refused to take a drug test. Shame really, because she’s legally obliged to do so as part of a custody agreement with Sheen. And so, she gone to rehab again, because its the American equivalent of the confession booth, where you can absolve your sins with some meek-eyed mendery!
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 18th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Bread People: Famous Dough Faces
BREAD People – for the doughy of face. for mroe photos of douihg faces head to BreadPeople.
Posted: 18th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Britain’s Got Talent: God Makes David Hasselhoff Decorate Airplanes
BRITAIN ‘S Got Talent judge, the American Glenn Hoddle look alike David Hasselhoff, tells us that he wants to be in love:
“I want to be in love. I always try to make it last. I tried 16 years to make my last marriage work but it’s up to God, it really is. It’s not up to us, we are put in situations. If you are meant to be together it will work. I would get married again though, sure.”
Anorak loves the idea of God walking us up the asile, chosing a wedding dress, saying vows about being parted only by death, handing us a pint of creme de menthe and amaretto on the Stag night, and booking a honeymoon in Ibiza. For one thing, it reduces a lot of the stress of looking though brochures.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 17th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Imogen Thomas Has Been ‘Betrayed’ By Married Footballer
IMOGEN Thomas is the subject of The Most Loaded Headline of The Year on the cover of the Sunday Mirror.
Having been exposed shagging a married footballer for six months – a man who, as the Sun says, has an “image” as a “family man” – the Mirror has Imogen declare:
“I’VE BEEN BETRAYED”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 16th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
‘Who Killed Smiley Culture?’
THE death of Smiley Culture, aka David Emmanuel, continues to make waves. Today demonstrators were outside New Scotland Yard, marching in protest of the death of the man during a raid on his home in Surrey last month. The official version of events is that Mr Emmanuel stabbed himself in the heart when – during the raid – he went to make a cup of tea in his kitchen.
“Who killed Smiley Culture?” asks the protesters.
Read the rest of this entry »
Jennifer Aniston Breast Cancer Drama: The Truth
CAN the National Enquirer beat OK! to the title of Most Disingenuous Front-Page Headline?
This week, the magazine of record has news of Jennifer Aniston:
“Jen Breast Cancer Drama!”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 15th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Rats Decide It Is Payback Time In Glee Star Matthew Morrison House
GLEE star, Matthew Morrison, has a house filled with rats who, quite rightly, have decided that he should pay for his role peddling shit in the awful warbling television smash.
While Morrison (the half-brother of soul singer Mark Morrison) has been seen hurling autotuned words from his mouth at us all, despite the fact we’ve done nothing that deserves such inhumane treatment, rats have moved into his house with the hope of loading up his expensive carpet with all manner of diseases, previously thought eradicated.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 15th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Zsa Zsa Gabor And Husband Are Going To Try And Have A Baby (Yeah, Like That’ll Happen)
HAVE you seen Zsa Zsa Gabor lately? If not, let us give it to you bluntly – she’s 94-years-old, is riddled with illness and only has one leg after she got the gangrene cut out of her. Okay? Now, digest this next piece of information – she’s trying for a baby.
That’s right, despite being barely alive, Zsa Zsa Gabor and her spouse Prince Frederic von Anhalt (an amazing name, granted) went to a Beverly Hills fertility clinic to fulfil her dream of them having a child.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 15th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)
Hunting Sly Stallone’s Corduroy Bodysuit With Lisa Vanderpump And Charlie Sheen’s Wreckage
ANORAK’S Woman of The Week is Lisa Vanderpump, who turns out not be a drag act at Rubyz, but a “LA success story” profiled in Hello!.
We meet Vanderpump at her Beverly Hills home, “perched atop one of the highest vantage points in the famous 90210 postcode”. We learn that neighbours are Eddie Murphy, Denzel Washington, Sylvester Stallone and Rod Stewart. Vanderpump’s home could serve as game park lodge for big game hunters looking to see Stewart in his budgie smugglers or Sly pulling on his flesh-coloured corduroy bodysuit.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 15th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Victoria Beckham Choses ‘Unique’ Name For Daughter: Leprechaun Brian Beckham
VICTORIA Beckham is to name her daughter Santa, as in Santa Monica and Santa Claus.
The Sun gets a source to say:
“Posh thinks Santa Beckham has a lovely ring to it and wants something unique.”
Other unique names for Posh to consider are Easter Bunny Beckham, London Beckham, Brian Beckham, France Beckham, Beckham Beckham and Leprechaun Beckham.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 15th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Pepsi Drinker Beyonce Knowles Adds Sugar To Michelle Obama’s Anti-Fat Drive
MICHELLE Obama has found a cause. And her cause is to stop you from being fat. Such is the state of freedom in the USA that what you eat and how you move are the business of the First Lady. The drive to comply is called Let’s Move!, and like all worthwhile causes it has a celebrity face. Step forward and shake your chunky Bootlicious bum, Beyonce Knowles.
Yep, that is the same Knowles who used to be the face of…Pepsi Cola.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 14th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Hayden Panettiere Chillingly Tells Everyone About Her Dad Making Her Scream As A Child
HAYDEN Panettiere will be required to do a lot of screaming in the new Scream flick, unless of course, she gets bumped off early doors like Drew Barrymore did in the first of the franchise.
And weirdly, she’s decided to come clean about how she got so good at screaming in the first place – her father used to make her shriek, repeatedly, when she was small.
So how did he do this?
One can only assume that he mastered the art of springing out at her from behind doors and doing his best to strangle her to death or, indeed, spend balmy sunny afternoons tying her up and inserting art scalpels into the beds of her fingernails.
Right? That’s the logical thing to think, isn’t it?
Of course it isn’t you sick pervert. The truth of the matter is that Hayden’s father is an immensely paranoid man who was constantly in fear of something terrible happening to his future pension.
“I’m a fireman’s daughter and he always taught me, because I’m such a small girl, that you always have to look like you have somewhere to be and someone’s gonna miss you if you (don’t) get there.”
“He used to tell me all the time when I went to the mall with my friends, ‘What do you do if somebody comes up and grabs you?’ He taught me to scream, ‘You’re not my daddy, you’re not my daddy’.
This is perfectly normal isn’t it? Nothing wrong here.
“So I had a lot of practice screaming, ‘You’re not my daddy’. Now it just sounds wrong. But I’m pretty good at screaming.”
So there you have it. Parents are all clearly imbeciles.
