Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
‘Katie Price’ And ‘Kerry Katona’ Come To Blows: Pictures
KATIE Price and Kerry Katona’s “FEUD” has erupted. OK! magazine has the “EXCLUSIVE” news. It also has a cover picture of what seems to be Katie Price sneaking up on a lingerie-clad Katona and raising a fist.
Katie Price’s Career As Jordan (NSFW)
Sensational stuff, and it’s no less so when inside the magazine, the same picture is captioned:
“We can’t helps imagining that if former pals Katie and Kerry ever came to blows, it might look something like this.”
These are look-alikes hired to illustrate a story straight from the pages of CAN Associates, the PR firm that used to manage Katie and now looks after Kerry, giong as far as locating Kerry in a Sussex safe house and scoring her tickets to wtch film in a shppping mall.
We learn that “Kerry is living Katie’s diamond studded- life” (pass the Vaseline and angle grinder); Katie is being “swept towards celebrity oblivion”; Kerry is “drop-dead gorgeous”; and Katie is “fake” while Kerry is “fab”.
Working out which of Katie or Kerry is the most desirable, talented and genuine harks back to that debate of whether or not Victoria Beckham is posher than Rebecca Loos.
Katie Price’s Career As Jordan (NSFW)
1148436
Posted: 11th, May 2010 | In: OK! | Comments (3)
Armando Iannucci’s Catharsis Aboard The BBC Luvvie Boat
MORE on that BBC election night boat party that failed to sink. On the Silver Sturgeon, Armando Iannucci tells Indy readers of the looming horror as he realised that stood amid the nodding heads, know alls, entitled and cultural elite he fitted right in.
Aboard The BBC Election Boat With Andrew Neil’s Nicky Haslam Meets Captain Bligh
“My main epiphany came earlier when I walked on to the BBC’s now-notorious election barge, to be greeted with the sight of a hundred celebrities and swanky public figures. Its unsettling to realise you’re regarded as one of them. I’d been promised proper debate but instead stood next to Joan Collins while the thrice-divorced star of The Stud and The Bitch praised Cameron’s family values. We lost electrical power, which meant we didn’t know what was going on. Neither were we being broadcast, anathema to any self-respecting celebrity. It was the dawning realisation that none of this actually mattered, that the collective views of the commentariat and entertainocracy were irrelevant to the sophisticated earthquake taking place outside, that suddenly hit home.”
Kaboom!
Posted: 10th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Julie Andrews’ Comback Buried By Tabloids (Photos)
JULIE Andrews is on stage at London’s 02 centre. And the news is that the tabloids cannot agree on even the most rudimentary facts:
Daily Express: “Dame Julie Andrews delighted her legion of fans with one-off concert full of her favourite tunes…”
There were “standing ovations”.
The Sun: “FURY OVER TWO-SONG JULIE GIG”
Julie Andrews left fans heartbroken after singing just two songs at her comeback concert…”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 10th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Election Fail: Prince Harry Has Not Ruled Out Seizing Control For Monarchy (Pictures)
PRINCE Harry’s campaign to seize the country for the monarchy as the three Prime Ministers horse trade grows ever stronger. Having secured his wings, and thus best able to dive bomb the Commons, Harry is now on horseback. One horse, Drizzle, has already died as Harry pushes on for greatness. What filly would not wanted to ridden hard by Harry, the man who will rid the land of those troughing pigs in Parliament? A spokesman tells us:
“Drizzle belonged to Prince William and Prince Harry and used to belong to the Prince of Wales. She was taken ill during a game and sadly died. The Princes are, of course, very upset.”
She died not in vain. Harry is the leader our nation demands.
8817347
Posted: 10th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Britain’s Got Talent: New Susan Boyle Janey Cutler Refuses To Die On Demand
THE world is going bonkers for Britain’s Got Talent singer Janey Cutler. For those of who didn’t catch the show, Janey is the 81-year-old singing an Edith Piaf number. The combination of being able to breathe, dress herself and not be on the telly to illustrate a news item about a mugging or the winter fuel allowance makes Janey Cutler a media phenomenon.
Susan Boyle Heathrow Airport Rant Is A Repeat Performance: Pictures
The Star says the web has gone into “meltdown” ever since Janey appeared on the magic box. Her singing has scored a “whopping 100,000 hits” on YouTube. This makes Janey much less popular than Anorak. But as we say, Janey is 81, and gray hair and wrinkles usually act like an invisibility cloak to the media masses.
Janey Cutler says she has had a “great life”. But the BGT narrative needs for her to have suffered. So, here’s the Star to tell of her being “twice widowed”, “losing a child when he was just 10 months old” and living alone with a dog called Tara. Yeah, as in Ta-ra – because Janey is old, readers, and that has her one foot down life’s plughole.
READ: Susan Boyle’s Mars Bar Makes Her A Victim Of Media Manipulation
But above all this celebration of a Janey Cutler is her billing as the new Susan Boyle. No, she’s not Janey Cutler, aged singer; she’s Susan Boyle. This is a fact cemented by its repetition in the media:
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 10th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Courtney Love’s Ugly Sex For The Clash: Pictures
COURTNEY Love was performing at the Clash Magazine 50th Edition Party, at the Monarch in Camden, north London. Camden is all the better for Love. She’s singing Leonard Cohen numbers. Times are changing. No-one gropes her when she crowd surfs in Glasgow. She might not be great looking but she’s a good shag, as she says:
“I’m better because I was never pretty,” she said. “Pretty girls just lie there. Us girls who grew up a little more homely have to try a lot harder. That’s why pretty girls never threaten me, it’s like, yeah, you want to take me on? Take me on. Go for it.”
They have more to lose…
8804043
Gemma Arterton Nukes Kerry Katona At Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
TO the premier of the Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time at London’s Westfield shopping centre. The film is CGI show, in which the adolescent Prince must save his brother’s kingdom from certain doom.
It’s all bit like those long intros to video games, in which you work out how to press the fast forward button as you learn about your quest for the umpteenth time. It’s based on a video game.
One day, cinema goers will be given game controls and encouraged to take part in the fight scenes. And bed Arterton’s Princess Tamina. Maybe.
For now though, one cimema goer, Anorak, could not help but feel that a real life flesh and bone Gemma Arterton would be better than the 2D version. At the premier we spotted Arteron, Jake Gyllenhaal, Sir Ben Kingsley, Green Lady looka-like Paloma Faith,
Preeya Kalidas, and cartoon characters Prince and Princess Michael of Kent, and someone one used to be Kerry Katona…
8815726
Posted: 9th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Cheryl Cole And Will.i.am Cook Up A Gay Storm
CHERYL Cole (nation’s sweetheart Cheryl Tweedy) and Black Eyes Peas front man will.i.am (enemy of grammar) are being linked in love. Are they shagging? Is Cole giving the Black Eyes Peas man a black eye? Can the media and PRs produce a background story of love to help flog the idea that one-hit, lip-synching wonder Cheryl can support a talented big band like the Black Eyed Peas?
The Sun wonders and comes up with:
You’ve turned Cheryl gay, Ash
Lia Nicholls says that the boys at Chelsea FC have heard the news that Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie “might bed his estranged wife Cheryl”.
What the report said was that Fergie…:
“…told pal WILL.I.AM that SHE will bed CHERYL COLE before he does.”
Anorak read that as Fergie claiming to have more chance of shagging Cole than will-i.am does, who has next to no chance.
Cheryl Cole And Ashley’s Marriage
Anyhow the news is that John Terry, Didier Drogba, Frank Lampard and more have told Ashley Cole:
“You’ve turned your wife gay”.
Adding that in any threesome:
“You could have been in the middle of that!”
No, not will.i.am and Cole – Cole and Fergie. Yeah, Sir Alex Ferguson, who also has more chance of shagging Cheryl Cole than will.i.am does…
Posted: 8th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
When Jedward Met Adam Lambert And The Black Eyed Peas: Pictures
JEDWARD are in the Shake ‘n’ Vac advert. And, as we have reported, although John and Edward Grimes, as Jedward are known, spritzed the streets of Soho with a white powder – with no sign of a vacuum cleaner nor carpet – Shake ‘n’ Vac does NOT contain meow meow, mephedrone, sparkle nor any narcotic and is not the “new cocaine”.
Before Jedward move onto advertising instant mash, sucking on a flake, beating off a cup of Gold Blend, having one of those nights for Lemonade or getting an “ology” – toxicology – they have been meeting the stars. Here they are with Adam Lambert and The Black Eyed Peas…
Posted: 7th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comments (22)
Monarchists Seize Power: Prince Harry Gets His Wings In Pictures
THE Commons is lost. The time for the monarchists to rise up and seize the day. And we have your champion. Prince Harry is now able to fly and will take to the skies and bomb the crap out of the round heads while chinning a pint of creme de menthe and smoking a Camberwell Carrot fatter than Camilla’s tame tampon. We spotted Prince Harry with Chelsy Davy receiving his Flying Wings from his father, the Prince of Wales, during a graduation ceremony from an advanced helicopter training course at Museum of Army Middle Wallop in Strockbridge, Hampshire. The troops are massing. Harry is to train as an Apache attack helicopter pilot. This is Civil War…
Posted: 7th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)
Kerry Katona’s New Man Is Mark Croft Or Brian McFadden?
KERRY Katona has hired a transvestite nanny? To go with her bipolarism, gurning, tonguing and supermarket peeps, Kerry has a new man in her life:
“I’m making changes now. I have an amazing nanny, who is my very own Mrs Doubtfire!”
You know, the film in which a man estranged from his wife dresses up as a woman and passes himself off his a nanny to work for the aforesaid wife and kids?
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 7th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
RIP Gerry Ryan: The Life And Funeral In Pictures
RIP Gerry Ryan. The Irish broadcaster dies in Dublin. He had suffered a heart attack. Mourners gathered for his funeral at St John the Baptist Church, Clontarf. Joe Duffy, Pat Kenny, Ryan Tubridy, Westlife, Lord Mayor of Dublin Emer Costello, Keith Duffy Alison Doody and President Mary McAleese were there.
The Irish do funerals well.
Shivering in the cold breeze blowing across the bay, corralled behind a crash barrier, they reconciled themselves to the news that entrance to the church was by invitation only. “But sure what of it? Gerry’s worth it”, said one.
Sam Smyth delivers this – and it’s mawkishness is almost tangible:
SPEAKING to some of them in Clontarf yesterday you could easily make the mistake of pigeon-holing Gerry Ryan fans as remarkably unremarkable. Most of those I spoke to were quietly considered and well-balanced, the sort of people who pay their taxes, mow their lawn, care for their kids. They get on with life even when the odds are stacked against them: people who make good neighbours.
In short, Gerry’s fans are the coping class.
Pictures:
2081303
The Princess Royal with Irish radio broadcaster Gerry Ryan at the Irish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (ISPCC) Crown Ball in the Berkley Court Hotel, Dublin. The Princess Royal was guest of honour at the Crown Ball to raise thousands of pounds for needy children across Ireland and joined celebrities from the world of entertainment and sport at the gala event.
Posted: 7th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Justin Bieber On The Jewman And The Gaps: Pictures
JUSTIN Bieber has not been rolled up and inserted in a fan’s genital filing system. He’s no Donny Osmond. But he is writing his own jokes. The lesbian singer who looks like a boy was recently spotted on New Zealand telly trying to fathom out what a German was.
It turns out that – ho-ho – Bieber thought the video jockey was saying “Jewman”. He ever showed Bieber the card with “German” written on it.
Bieber might be what Holocaust revisionists need to champion their cause that it was the Jewman what done it to the German. And do not get Justin started on the Gaps, who wore their baseball caps back to front as they waged war on the Germans with the Jewmans.
Enough already.
Posted: 7th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
In Pictures: Katie Melua At The Hard Rock Cafe
KATIE Melua was at the Hard Rock Cafe in central London, as part of the Q Music Club, London, last night. She took along a gigantic guitar. Pictures:
8800027
Posted: 6th, May 2010 | In: Music | Comments (2)
The Sexiest Twitter Pics Ever: Lindsay Lohan, Tila Tequila, Katy Perry, Coco And Moore
THE Sun says that a vote for the Labour Party is vote to end Page 3. Who needs Page 3 when you have Twitter. One-woman content factories like Tila Tequila, Lindsay Lohan and Coco can post their own pictures up and then work out the background story later. We’ve compiled the best self-promoting Twitter pics, featuring the aforesaid ladies, Adrienne Curry, Dora Baird, Jessica Simpson, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Demi Moore and many more stars of the little monitor. Enjoy – NSFW:
Posted: 6th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Steven Gerrard And Alex Curran ‘Divorce’ Special
REMEMBER those rumours that Steven Gerrard, of Liverpool and England, and his wife Alex Curran, of shops and stores, were not happy together? Horrible rumours they were, and right that Alex poured iced water on them in OK!, the paper of record. As she told us they don’t even argue and:
“It’s funny because we were saying the other day that we’ve never been happier.”
Today the Star delivers:
“GERRO & ALEX DIVORCE AGONY”
Yeah, the rumours of a frost are now rumours of a divorce. The Star says that rumours of a split “continue to spread online”. Interestingly, online, the Daily Star’s headline changes to:
“GERRARD SPLIT AGONY”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 6th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
In Pictures: The Black Eyed Peas And Cheryl Cole Bed Show
TO the The Black Eyed Peas concert at the O2, gamely supported by Cheryl Cole. Fans came with high hopes that the concert would turn into a live sex show or a Girls Aloud concert, as the in pre-match hype BEP singer Fergie has “told pal WILL.I.AM that SHE will bed CHERYL COLE before he does.”
To active minds this means Fergie will shag Chezza. To anyone else, this is a source saying:
“Fergie has been telling everyone she’s more likely to sleep with Cheryl than he is.”
Going on to say, no doubt, that she also has more chance to shagging Queen Elizabeth than he does, moreover Ellen Degeneres and the Vienna Boys Choir.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 6th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Music | Comments (2)
Killer Bitch Beaten: Machete Is Worst Film Of All Time
KILLER Bitch, starring Katie’s Price’s walking Toffee Crips Alex Reid, was the worst film of all time. But that was then. Today, Robert Rodriguez’s Machete is the worst film of all time. Robert De Niro is in it. In a cowboy hat. Michelle Rodriguez is also in in it. In a bra top and gun. And you are in it up to your neck in nachos…
1775454
Posted: 5th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
In Pictures: SHE Inspiring Woman Awards And Other Gargoyles
TO the SHE Inspiring Woman Awards at Claridges in central London. Who better to support the annual luncheon to honour inspiration women who have been nominated for acts of bravery or services to the community than: former WAG and Heath Ledger look-alike Elen Rivas, former Mrs Rolling Stones Jo Wood, perpetual WAG Danielle Lloyd and connected toff Tara Palmer-Tomkinson? Who still says Gargoyle Chic isn’t in? Also there cheering the lowly and good over nibbles and chatter were Kirsty Gallagher, the ubiquitous Camila Batmanghelidjh, Vernon Kay’s textual wife Tess Daly, Carol Vorderman in a vulva dress and singer Beverley Knight…
8798293
Posted: 5th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Danny Dyer’s Agonising Agony Aunt In Zoo
IN this week’s Zoo, Danny Dyer is putting the agony in agony aunt. A readers writes that his lover had left him and she seems to be doing fine.
Click image to make it grow.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 5th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Kerry Katona, Cheryl Cole And Katie Price Are A Life In Teasers
THIS week’s OK! leads with pictures of the three mainstays of tabloids gossip: Cheryl Cole, Kerry Katona and Katie Price. All three are given teasers that experience tells us will be lad to stories less genuine than a dodgy dossier.
Kerry Katona says “YES, I AM IN LOVE.”
Adding:
“PETE’S MY SWEETHEART.”
This can’t be Peter Andre, with whom Kerry was linked in bogus tales of romance that the Daily Star was forced to retract, to Peter’s relief? and Kerry who is “scared of men“?
Read the rest of this entry »
Simon Cowell Worried Over Violent Crime, Sees No Irony With Cheryl Cole
SIMON Cowell has a vision for a “NEW BRITAIN”. Cowell, Cheryl Cole’s manager, says:
“I have always hated celebrities lecturing people on politics.”
Cowell says he’s worried about violent crime and the culprit having more rights than the victim.
“I worry that we are losing that old-school respect. And I think this is down to a breakdown of rules. When I was young and we got caught pinching apples, we got a smack from the local policeman. Today if that happened he would be sued.”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 5th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Justin Bieber’s Ich Liebe Dich Video: NSF Germans
JUSTIN Bieber. Ich lieber dich. Whoah! Take it easy, Just-in. Ich lieber dich is German for I love Dick & Dom. You know German, Justin? You don’t? Do you know that in German Bieber means basketball, if yer knows what we mean? German, Justin… Justin hasn’t a clue what the Kiwi video jocket is takling about. Ich lieber dich…
Here’s a gallery of lesbians (Greek for ‘soup of the day’) who look like Justin Bieber:
Spotter
Posted: 4th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
In Pictures: Victoria Beckham Arrives In London, Songs Are Sung
DID you see Victoria Beckham arriving at Heathrow Airport from Los Angeles? Yeah, you did. Here are the photos. Look out for the one in whish Vicky looks at the waiting masses, smiles and stars singing “Two World Wars And One World cup doo-dah”. And all the other photos of her being loved…
Posted: 4th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Roman Polanski’s J’Accuse To The US Authorities
ROMAN Polanski drugged and buggered a 13-year-old girl called Samantha Gailey, now Samantha Geimer. Roman P0lanski says he’s also the victim. He’s the victim of the US judicial system that seeks to punish paedophiles. Says Polanski – with heartfelt apologies to Emile Zola:
I can remain silent no longer!
He was convicted in 1977. Why wait?
Throughout my seven months since September 26, 2009, the date of my arrest at Zurich Airport, where I had landed with a view to receiving a lifetime award for my work from the representative of the Swiss Minister of Culture, I have refrained from making any public statements and have requested my lawyers to confine their comments to a bare minimum. I wanted the legal authorities of Switzerland and the United States, as well as my lawyers, to do their work without any polemics on my part.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 4th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
