X Factor Watch: Cowell Wins, Lucie Jones Is A Stepford Singer And Jedward Kill

X FACTOR Watch: Your daily at-a-glance look at The X Factor in the news: Front pages, hating Simon Cowell, Irish patriotism saves Jedward and Lucie Jones goes down…

The front pages:

The Sun (front page): “BACK FROM THE JED”

“Storm as twins survive sing-off”

Daily Star (front page): “The X Factor for Lucie”

Daily Mail (front page): “Where’s your wedding ring Cheryl”

Daily Mirror (front page) Lucie lose”

Daily Express (front page): X Factor shock as Jedward twins stay in”

Metro: “Party’s over for Lucie”

Simon Cowell: The Teenage Terror

Anorak

Posted: 9th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

X Factor: Jedward, John & Edward, Are Voted Out, But Then

X FACTOR: Jedward are out. John & Edward Grimes are gone. They are voted off. They are toast. Surely. Only…

The two in the sing off are Lucie Jones, representing Wales, and John & Edward Grimes, representing a small factory in suburban Nanjing, China.

Can Jedward survive? No. They can’t. They return to Mr Clon. E’s Jelly Mould & Couplings factory to be realigned and turned into something that can hang from your car’s rear view mirror.

Lucie sings on… But nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Simon Cowell saves them by undoing all his guff about it being a singing show and how crap Jedward are by keeping them in.

He has no idea how the public voted. Yeah really. And the Pope has no ideas he has a balcony. It’s all teary and huggy and hideous at Simon Cowell’s pop factory.

He chews them up and he spits them out. The Jedward look-alike gallery now follows:

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Anorak

Posted: 8th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (19)

X Factor Rachel Adedeji Goes The GAY Way With JLS, In Pictures

“WHERE is X Factor Rachel Adedeji?” you ask. Other ask, Who is Rachel Adedeji? The news reader? The Italian Black Lace tribute act? Rochelle?

News is that Our Rachel has been performing on stage with JLS at G-A-Y Heaven in London. G.A.Y Heaven is not where gay men go when they die, the antithesis of GAY Hell – no, no, Jan Moir – it’s a club in London.

Rachel sang. And we have proof.

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2009 X Factor finalist Rachel Adedeji performs on stage with JLS at G-A-Y Heaven in London.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Katie Price: Peter Andre Too Outraged To Talk About Secret Abortion, Sources Say

PETER Andre and Katie Price: Beneath a picture of sentimental Peter Andre holding his face in his hands, NoTW readers are told: “Peter Andre’s baby rage over Katie Price abortion.”

To our mind, Peter Andre always looks to be more on the point of tears than rage. But the NoTW knows:

PETER ANDRE has gone ballistic after Jordan told the world she had a secret abortion while they were married, saying: “This is the ultimate betrayal.”

You may think the ultimate betrayal was leaving your wife and kids. But Peter is here to educate:

But the singer is seething at his ex, real name Katie Price, for revealing the most personal details of their private life in a magazine interview for which she was paid an estimated £50,000.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Susan Boyle Engaged To Be Married, In Pictures

SUSAN Boyle Watch: Susan’s first true love. Dancing With The Stars and a nervous breakdown.

Daily Mirror: “Britain’s Got Talent winner Susan Boyle on pain of her lost love”

She: “HAD A BOYFRIEND WHO PROPOSED..HE BROKE MY HEART”

What did he propose?

Never-been-kissed singing sensation Susan Boyle has revealed she DID once have a boyfriend.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

X Factor: Danyl Johnson ‘Touches’ Olly Murs and Lucie Jones’ Sex Life

X FACTOR: It’s Ex-week in the tabloids, as the X Factor singers’ former loves tells all, featuring the exes of Joe McElderry, Cheryl Cole and Lucie Jones, plus Dannii Minogue’s womb and Danyl Johnsons on Olly Murs skin, literally…

Olly Murs and Danyl Johnson are getting close, allegedly:

Daily Mirror: “Essex boy OLLY MURS is complaining about gay Danyl’s over-friendly “‘touchyfeeliness’ in the house.”

Is Olly’s Essex-ness relevant to his views on “gay” Danyl? Who is Olly complaining to? Anyone smell homophobia? Lots to investigate. Is Jan Moir free to help? In any case, Olly is spoken for:

The Star: “OLLY NICE PROBLEM”

Busty glamour girl Chantelle Houghton says she fancies the pants off the cheeky chappy.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

X Factor: Peaches Geldof Piles On the Misery For Jedward

X FACTOR Watch: Your daily X Factor news round-up: hating Jedward with Peaches Geldof.

Daily Mirror: “STOP HATING US”

The Jedward twins told last night how they have become the victims of a “savage” hate campaign being waged by vile X Factor obsessives…

Like the, er, Daily Mirror and every other organ with a page to fill?

“We were in the street walking to our dance class when a whole family came past in a black car and shouted out, ‘We hate you. You’re w******’. Edward was shaken up and very upset. I had to calm him down and tell him not to think about it. All we want is for people to love us.”

Can’t we just be indifferent to you?

Anorak

Posted: 8th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

X Factor: Jedward Spray Simon Cowell With His Next Tan

X FACTOR: Jedward – Ghostbusters. The most overrated underrated act. Peter Andre appears to make Jedward look talented. Horrific.

Jedward are hanging from a rearview mirror in the Ghostbusters’ ambulance. There is every trick used to distract you from Jedward. What’s in the backpacks? LSD? Gunk? Simon Cowell”s next tan?

The full run down of the X Factor show.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

X Factor Live Blog: Olly Murs Marries And Danyl Johnson Does Prince Over

IT’S Movie Week. Or as Dermot O’Leary shouts it: “IT’S…MOVIE WEEK.” O’Leary looks like someone warming up for the actual presenter. He’s all contrived shouting and big pauses.

First up is Stacey Solomon singing Son Of a Preacher Man.

Cheryl says: “It’s greeet ta see yous lookin’ soooo sesssy ‘nd yung. Ai thawght thaht waz yours moust con-fee-dint perfaw-mince.”

Simon Cowell has tken to leaning well back in the chair. Does it make him look taller? Discuss.

Olly Murs – “the incredible” Olly Murs – the man with the name like a contagion is up. He’s singing Twist & Shout. And he’s… pretty good. He’s like both of Jedward in a sober suit. When Olly gets married, he’ll sing that song. Like that. He might sing it at other people’s weddings as well. Price on application.

Lloyd Daniels now. Lloyd Danielzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Stand By Me. Simon is talkign through it. Llloyd is still singing. He might still be singing. It’s like being stuck in a lift with an amnesiac yodeller. Sta-a-a-a-and By me-e-e-e. Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand. Byme.

Dannii says Daniel is “nice”. He is damned.

Jamie Archer – Not Unchaiii-ned Mel-odeeee. Who is Mel Ody? And why is he chained up? Jamie does not explain. Cryyyyyy-in’ Over You.

He’s the best yet. Still, his hair and face don’t match. On a brighter note, he’s worth loads…

Lucie Jones is showing us “exactly” who she is. She’s Lucie Jones. Or as Dermot would put it: “She’s… LUCIE JONES!” It’s pop. It sounds like the music played over the closing credits of a film, or the boring bit in the middle when you really, really need the toilet. Go to the toilet. It’s forgettable.

Danyl Johnson is doing Prince. He’s had his hair cut. He looks like he’s not doing an impression of Prince. Cheryl Cole likes his “demean-er”. She doesn’t like cockiness. Which is why she’s still married to Ashley Cole.

Jedward – Ghostbusters. The most overrated underrated act. Peter Andre appears to make Jedward look talented. Horrific. Jedward are hanging from a  rearview mirror. There is every trick used to distract you from Jedward. What’s in the backpacks? LSD? Gunk? Simon Cowell”s next tan?

Louis Walsh says they’ve cured the recession. You know, like Susan Boyle did.

Joe – Dull.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)

Elvis Presely’s ‘Private’ Hair On Sale

A STRAND of Elvis Presley’s hair which is expected to fetch up to £250 at auction by Henry Aldridge and Son, in Devizes, Wiltshire, on November 14. The strand of Elvis’ hair collected by his personal barber is 12 by 22 inch and is mounted in a frame alongside a photograph of The King.

For other Elvis hairs, consult his waxologist, shaver and nose hair clippers.

There is, of course, nothing wrong with owning an Elvis hair, but it  may cost a pretty penny to stuff the entire pillow. Future celebrity hair collectors may perfer to harvest Bubbles the chimp or Ant ‘n’ Dec…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

X Factor Playlist: Danyl Johnson Sings Prince’s Purple Rain, Stacey Solomon Does Springfield

ON tonight’s X Factor, Daniel Lloyd will be singing Stand By Me in the manner of Pinocchio before The Change, and Stacey Solomon will squeak out Son Of A Preacherman, not in the style of Amy Winehouse gargling baby milk.

As for the rest – with predictions:

John & Edward: GhostBusters, Ray Parker, Jr. It’s awful. But is it awful enough?

Anorak

Posted: 7th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

X Factor: Bon Jovi Sign Jamie Archer, Alexandra Burke Urinates And Jedward Fix

IT’S Saturday and that means it’s X Factor Day in the tabloids. Well, it’s always X Factor Day in the tabloids but today they get to spice our quotidian offerings with the thought that it might be the last time we see John And Edward Grimes perform like fame’s singing testicles wired up to the car battery.

That news:

Sun (front page): “It’s the X Factor Bust Up”

It’s “JAMIE AGGRO”

Jamie is “Livid On A Prayer”

X FACTOR star Jamie Archer is threatening to QUIT after his relationship with mentor Simon Cowell hit a new low. The singer, who calls himself Jamie Afro, fears he is being stitched up by judges on the ITV talent show. It comes after he was BANNED from going on tour with rockers Bon Jovi – whose hits include Living On A Prayer.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

X Factor Reject Rachel Adedeji Lost Because She Is Blacker Than Alexandra Burke

CONSIDERING all things black and white, Rachel Adedeji and X Factor, Yasmin Alibhai-brown asks Daily Mail readers: “Why are so many black and Asian women desperate to be white?”

For our part, we don’t. But we suspect a Jewish plot. What say you, Yasmin?

Coloured skin is considered a curse unless it is a fake tan, and so are those flat noses, thick lips (considered gorgeous on Scarlett Johansson but not on Whoopi Goldberg), short necks and legs, apple and plum shapes.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Katie Price And Peter Andre Back Together By Christmas

PETER Andre would like us all to know that Harvey Yorke-Price-Andre-Price is not suffering form swine flu.

But what’s this? Now sooner is Harvey better than Junior Peter Andre, aka Junior Andre-Price-Andre, is sick:

JORDAN made a dramatic dash back to hospital today just a day after Harvey was discharged – this time over fears about Junior. The glamour girl, real name Katie Price, rushed to the A&E department in Caterham Hospital, Surrey, with her four-year-old.

And were the press still there?

Anorak

Posted: 6th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Britain’s Got Talent Hollie Steel Guns For X Factor’s John And Edward

HOLLIE Steel. Remember her? The little girl in the ballerina’s tutu who sang like an old woman running her teeth down a blackboard on Britain’s Got Talent? No, not the X Factor.

The other telly show with Simon Cowell sat behind a teachers’ desk. Hollie’s one who, allegedly, ate Susan Boyle’s hamster and was bullied? Hollie’s the one who nearly died?

Well news is that Hollie is aiming to be Top of The Pops this Christmas:

“The 10-year-old from Huncoat has an exciting two months ahead of her as she prepares to release a festive single which will go head to head with the winner of the X Factor for the Christmas number one spot.”

If Jedward don’t sing Ebeneezer Good, then Hollie must.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Beyonce’s Suspenders And West Ham Presents The MTV Europe Music Awards, In Pictures

THE MTV Europe Music Awards, features Beyonce in suspenders, Katy Perry in West Ham knickers and X Factor winner Leona Lewis wearing light.

With no Kanye West to enliven the AGM with a bit of popstar brattishness, it was down to the ladies to show off their primary sexual characteristics, to music: The pictures – and do see them all:

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David Hasselhoff's face

Anorak

Posted: 6th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

X Factor’s John & Edward Grimes’ Novelty Record Top Ten

YESTERDAY, Anorak began its campaign to have the X Factor twosome John & Edward Grimes, aka Jedward, record a novelty record and, with luck and a following wind, take it to No.1 in time for Christmas.

To give them a clue as to the levels expected to them, we deliver the Top Ten Novelty Records Of All Time.

Can John & Edward Grimes join this elite band of cheap and chirpy talents? Join hands in a Millennium Prayer that they do:

10. On Top of Spaghetti,  Tom Glazer & the Do Re Mi Children’s Choir.

Tapping into rich vein of laughing at foreingers. As performed on Noel Edmond’s Swap Shop – more from him later:

Anorak

Posted: 6th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Barbara Windsor Leaves EastEnders: A Career In Pictures

BARBARA Windsor  is leaving EastEnders, the show that needed her more then she needed it. Babs is a true talent, who proves that there is no shortcut to being a star.

Any act keen to get on should perform live before a paying audience who demand entertaining,. TV gives out free tickets and excuses the ordinary. Live on stage there is no escape.

Anorak looks back at Windsor’s career in pictures:

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Barbara Windsor, seen with her husband Scott Mitchell, as she receives the Freedom of the City of London at the Guidhall in London.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Shaddap You Face: John & Edward Fight To Bring Back The Novelty Christmas Song

X FACTOR Watch: Jedward walks, Max Clifford stalks, Pete Warterman puts on rose-tinted specs for Pop Idol, Cheryl Cole’s teeth are wanted, Dannii Minogue is a sight screen and Anorak’s campaign to bring back the novelty record…

Jedward, the two–headed beast, move onto another week’s awfulness. They need to make it truly terrible to keep their bandwagon going. It’s not easy to be hated. Look at Noel Edmonds.

They say that when Jedward sings the world heats up and a polar bar suffocates. They say the CIA are using recordings of Jedward to torture prisoners’ gonads. They say Jedward are husband and wife, hailing from a small factory in China.

They say they must win to restore the novelty record to its rightful place as the Christmas no.1. Where is the new Renee and Renato? Mr Blobby? Bob The Builder?

And after Christmas, where is the new Father Abraham’s crooning for his Smurfs, T.U.R.T.L.E. Power, The Purple People Eater and anything by STEPS? Jedward… We need you to bring back the novelty Christmas record.

To today’s X Factor news:

Herald (Ireland): “No stopping Jedward now as celeb agent Max Clifford is set to snap up the twins”

X Factor twins John and Edward Grimes are being lined up by celebrity agent Max Clifford as their popularity soars.

Look out for Jedward pulling on matching Chelsea kits, shagging a bit-part actress and becoming the new Kerry Katonas.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Susan Boyle Watch: Sharon Osbourne Knows A Hairy Arsehole When She Sees One

SUSAN Boyle Watch: Pixie-voiced Sharon Osbourne, mother to singing button mushroom Kelly Osbourne and spoilt brat Jack Osbourne, wife to vibrating popstar Ozzy, is on the radio talking about Susan Boyle:

“I like everybody to do well. Even somebody that looks like a slapped arse with a moustache. God bless her. It’s like, ‘You go girl’. She does look like a hairy arsehole.”

Is this something Sharon is expert in spotting?

“She’s a lovely lady, but she needs a Gillette razor. [God] gave her the talent. Yes he did. [And] he hit her with a f**king ugly stick.”

Anorak

Posted: 5th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Peter Andre And Katie Price: Harvey’s Swine Flu, A Gay Secret And Back Together

KATIE Price & Peter Andre Watch:Peter’s “gay secret”, Harvey’s celebrity swine flu, Yate awaits, Peter and Katie back together and Peter’s sex life…

“PETER Andre’s Big Gay Secret,” announces the Daily Star’s front page,.

What’s that big gay secret, then? Peter isn’t all that tall:

PETE Andre is poised to become the new Paul O’Grady in a megabucks telly deal. The Aussie is at the centre of a TV tug-of-war as two major networks battle to sign him up. He has been approached by Channel 4 and ITV about hosting his own show. Channel 4 bosses are keen to unveil him as the new O’Grady, while ITV want him as their permanent guest host on Friday’s This Morning.

Paul O’Grady is gay. Is that the “Big Gay Secret?” As for Sentimental Pete presenting a TV show:

Last night an ITV spokesman said there were no new plans to work with Peter. But he added: “He is currently working on This Morning and ITV1 and doing very well.” There was no-one available for comment at Channel 4.

So what is Peter Andre up to if he’s not presenting a tea-time telly show?

Anorak

Posted: 5th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: Get The Picture

CARRIE Prejean, the sacked Miss California who dared to agree with Barack Obama on gay rights, and was duly threatened with violence by celebrity blogger gone native Perez Hilton, has followed her mucky pictures – shocker: model wears underwear in pictures! – with a sex tape.

When sacked from her job as representing Miss California in a bikini – those dirty, dirty, photos – she sued the Miss California organization for libel and religious discrimination. Miss California USA counter-sued, saying that Prejean never repaid a loan she received for breast implants. (She can enter the Miss Plastic surgery GP).

Now the sex tape leaks, or threatens to. The web goes wild. First up is TMZ, which tells us:

Carrie Prejean demanded more than a million dollars during her settlement negotiations with Miss California USA Pageant officials – that is, until the lawyer for the Pageant showed Carrie an XXX home video of her handiwork.

That’s a pun. Prejean is a practicing Christian, which means her religion can be used against her. Prejean was suing the pageant organisers for slander, libel and “religious discrimination”

Anorak

Posted: 5th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

X Factor: Joe McElderry Breaks Rib And Stacey Solomon Engaged To Olly Murs

X Factor No News Round-up: Stacey Solomon not Amy Winehouse, Joe McElderry’s rib not broken, Sting’s no X Factor and the Sex Pistols would not win…

Unreality TV: “Mitch Winehouse: ‘Stacey Solomon is NOT The new Amy Winehouse!’”

She’s better?

“Amy and I and the family were watching X Factor and when Rachel got knocked out – we thought it was a complete disaster. We were having a lovely dinner – I was having a chicken vindaloo and Amy was having a chicken Korma and we almost choked – almost put us right off our food. Almost but not quite…”

Anorak

Posted: 4th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Linsday Lohan And Mischa Barton’s Death Battle

FOR the first time in weeks, the National Enquirer leads with no picture of Angelina Jolie. And she should not be downhearted because the cover is dominated by the headline: “WHO’LL DIE FIRST?”

Readers are invited to pick from Mischa Barton, Kirstie Alley, Lindsay Lohan, Robin Williams, Whitney Houston, Tori Spelling, The Hoff, Pamela Anderson and Simon Cowell.

With no dead star for a while, the NE is inviting readers to help it decide which obits to have ready by pressing F1 to F9 on the keyboard.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, November 2009 | In: National Enquirer | Comment

Susan Boyle Is My Transsexual Jesus

SUSAN Boyle Watch: A few hundred protestors are massed outside Glasgow’s Tron Theatre, where the big show is Jesus, Queen of Heaven, featuring Christ as a transsexual woman.

Who knew that the Glasgay! festival could be controversial?

Placards are waved:

“Jesus, King of Kings, Not Queen of Heaven.”
“God: My Son Is Not A Pervert.”

Anorak

Posted: 4th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)