X Factor: Dermot O’Leary Wants Joe McElderry Locked Up

READ X Factor presenter Dermot O’Leary’s news column in the News of The World:

“The X Files – Dermot O’Leary’s brand new column reveals why John & Ed are still in it”

It’s Dermot ‘literally’ O’Leary right here on this page, literally. Dermot O’Leary, people. Coming right up. Literally. Any moment now…

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Dermot O’Leary will be right here on the Anorak pages, literally, here…

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Well, they did it. They defied the odds, they beat the boos and they rode roughshod over everyone’s expectations to make it through the first week unscathed.

They took the knocks, rode the wave, hit the highs, trawled the lows and literally scaled the scales. It’s John and Edward, Ireland’s late-developing answer to The Proclaimers, and the answer to the question ‘What’s more annoying than the Proclaimers’?

Anorak

Posted: 18th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Jade Goody’s Mum Jackiey Is A Damn Lady, Attacks Jeff Brazier

A MISSIVE from Jade Goody Industries drops through the post box, containing the latest minutes of the AGM, as told to the News of The World by the Goody Mum.

The chairman, Max Clifford, introduces the board members to today’s agenda:

JADE Goody’s distraught mum Jackiey fears she’ll lose her two precious grandchildren for ever after an explosive row with their dad Jeff Brazier. She begged her tragic daughter’s ex not to stop her seeing the boys, pleading…

Jackiey Bidden, for it is she, raises to her feet, as best she is able, and delivers:

“You HAVE to understand. . . Jack lost a wife, I lost a daughter and Bobby and Freddie lost a mum – you never lost anything! I’m NOT living without the boys. Please Jeff, you CAN’T cut me off from them, they’re all I have left of Jade.”

The shareholders – members of the tabloid press – fidget in their seats. It’s good news but can the Jade Goody brand survive a schism? Will Jackiey be able to work the Jade goody mines alone?

An institutional shareholder, News International, stands up and announces:

Bisexual ex-junkie Jackiey Budden, 51, (pictured above) spoke out after the News of the World revealed that GMTV star Brazier vowed to BAN widowed stepdad Jack Tweed from contact with his sons – aged six and four – and threatened to RESTRICT their access to their gran.

His move followed 22-year-old Tweed’s arrest on a rape charge and Jackiey’s shameful drunken rant in a Tenerife bar where she bragged of using the F-word to discipline the kids.

Now Jackiey is addressing the investors:

“I used to scream, shout and swear. But I’m not like that any more. I’ve become a lady.”

Later adding:

“Jeff knows damn well I don’t let those boys swear. I would never dare look at my grandchildren and say ‘F*** off!‘ They’re good boys. But Jeff didn’t wait and he didn’t listen, he just jumped on the bandwagon.”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Amazing Last Pictures Of Stephen Gately

NOT everyone waited until Stephen Gately was buried to throw mud. The tabloid media jumped the gun and Jan Moir set out to prove why not a single hack has been made a UN Goodwill ambassador.

Now Gately has been laid to rest, the tabloids that made themselves the subject of the story can refocus on the dead star. And today the News of The World has pictures of Gately on the night of his demise.

THIS is Boyzone star Stephen Gately just hours before his shock death – captured on CCTV entering a gay club in Majorca (below right).

Not any old club, mind, but a gay club.

The 33-year-old singer, pictured with husband Andy Cowles, looks carefree and sober. As thousands mourned Stephen at his Dublin funeral, a barman at the club revealed: “He only had one drink. . . he was NOT drunk.”

Anorak

Posted: 17th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (9)

Miley Cyrus Sex And The City Pictures

BRITISH actress Kim Cattrall and Miley Cyrus are spotted by Anorak’s Man in New York filming a red carpet scene on the set of “Sex and the City 2” at the Ziegfeld Theatre.

This is what happens to child stars.

See them all…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

H From Steps Is Dead: RIP

NEWS from the Anorak Forums is that H from Steps is dead.

Yampster writes: “More bad news. “H” from Steps has gone too.”

Time for Jan Moir to update her article…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)

Katie Price, Standing Out: Thongs, Wrongs And Dongs

OLD Mr Anorak’s Books Club reviews Standing Out, by Katie Price, author of 45 autobiographies, including, Tits Aht, Tits Not Quite Aht, Finkkin Ov Gettin’ Yer Tits Aht, Maw Tits Aht, Tits Volumes 1 – XI and study notes.

On Amazon, the associated “tags” for this book are:

Fake, orange, plastic, shallow, trash, ugly, waste of a good tree.

The premise of Katie’s book:

From my early teens I’ve been an exhibitionist and from the time I started senior school I was desperate to look different. I’ve always gone for clothes that make me stand out, rather than blend in with the rest of the crowd.

Unless the crowed is a set of inflatable Aunt Sallies, in which case revert to trouser suit.

The publisher chips in:

Here, Katie Price opens up her make-up bag and throws open the doors to her wardrobe. She talks about how her image has changed as her career in the spotlight has evolved and how what she wears affects her relationships with her family, her fans and the press.

Katie communicates via her power of her clothes.

Thong: More cheese?
Thigh boots: She fears rain
Pink cowboy hat and chaps: She’s worried about the quality of local schools

She reveals all her top tips on looking and feeling good to get the best out of life including what she wore on the night that Jordan was born…

Dunno. Might be a bit big.

Find out which style crime makes Katie say ‘there’s just no excuse for it’ and who makes Katie think did you actually look in the mirror before leaving the house?

While Katie straps herself into her fashion police get up – helmet-shaped helmet; vibrating truncheon and fluffy handcuff – she has much to tell us:

“If you want to wear high heels carry a pair of flip flops in your bag to wear later.”

Useful if your conquest has a swimming pool and you fear a verucca, but not vital.

“People are scared of Botox as they think their face is going to end up frozen and blank-looking but I don’t have a very expressive face anyway so I don’t worry about not being able to show emotion. It’s not like I’m an actor and need to have that ability.”

In any case, the surgeon can do emotion later – upturned lips for happy; downturned lips for sad; eyes rolled to top of head for “I’ve overdone the lift”.

“I remember one time I had a charity job in a poor part of India. I arrived to find my suitcase had split and everything had vanished, so I didn’t have anything to wear for the job, no make-up, toiletries – nothing. As there were no shops I had to spend the whole three days of our trip in what I had been wearing on the plane. That was pretty shit, I can tell you.”

Or an un-pretty one…

With additonal readings by Marina Hyde

Anorak

Posted: 16th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Peter Andre And Alex Reid Go Fanny-A-Tranny As Katie Price Fights On

YESTERDAY Anorak brought you “Peter Andre And Alex Reid To Cage Fight For Katie Price, and today the Daily Star catches up with us and delivers:

ALEX’S CAGE RAGE FIGHT WITH PETER

CAGE-fighter Alex Reid has told love rival Peter Andre: “Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.” The 34-year-old challenged singer and Good Morning reporter Andre to take him on in the ring after he had threatened to “break his legs”…

Alex said yesterday: “Pete threw the first punch and kept throwing them. I wish people could see what Pete was really like.”

As we said:

Alex would win any battle with a cage – Pete being more of a paper bag fighter. And to level things up we need a contest in which Pete can excel, something like seeing which of them can purse their lips the hardest, find a rhyme for tangerine or be dignified?

Twitter fans know what Peter Andre is like because Katie Price is telling them:

“Nice pete in front of kids! His true colours are starting to come out thank God!!”

The 3am Girls look on, marvelling at Peter’s true colours – hues of orange and tangerine with base notes of deep oak:

After keeping his cool for like a million years, it seems Peter Andre has finally flipped his lid over his children living with a cross-dressing cage-fighter with a disturbingly dark David Dickinson tan and a thing for wearing plasters on his nose… and nail varnish (not on his nose, although nothing would surprise us now).

Alex’s Reid’s tan suggests a man who coated his face in treacle and then sneezed into an open box of powdered Toffee Crisp.

But Peter is angry. And when he’s angry, you won’t like him, o rlike him even less than your already do:

PETER ANDRE has told his solicitors to “fire a warning shot across Jordan’s bow” over access to their children. The Aussie singer called the summit after the glamour girl yesterday handed BACK a mobile phone he had bought specifically to speak to Junior, four, Princess, two and seven-year-old Harvey.

If he wants to speak to them why not line the kids up for a film premier and then in his guise as This Morning’s showbiz reporter interview them over the red rope.

Junior! Over here! Junioorrrrrr! Princess Tiaaaaainiiiimiiiiiiiii! Over here!! It’s me, dad. What d’yer mean ‘Speak to my agent’?

Meanwhile Katie is picking a new fight:

“I’m probably more successful than most girls in the public eye. I look at people like Kelly Brook and I just can’t understand how she gets to wear all these designer clothes. I’m not slating her, but really, what the hell does she actually do?”

Well, she walks, talks and shows off her cleavage and gets to wear designer clothes. She’s a celebrity, damn it.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Stephen Gately’s Death Becomes A Tale Of Gay Sex, Homophobia And ‘Murder’

STEPHEN Gately: Anorak’s look at Stephen Gately in the news: the X Factor plugs, the drugs, Georgi Dochev, gay sex, murder and more gay sex

IN “STEPHEN’S LAST HOURS”, the Sun continues the focuses on Stephen Gately, the Boyzone singer who yesterday was “Gately used dope” and is now “Stephen”.

He has been Stephen in the Sun before, notably when he was “Stephen killed by 8hr binge”

And he was Stephen when he was:

“I FOUND STEPHEN PALE AND COLD.”

Having established a rapport with the remains of Stephen Gately, in which he is Gately when there is talk of drugs and Stephen when he is being laid to rest, the Sun now re-introduces Bulgarian student Georgi Dochev, the 25-year-old who found the singer’s body.

THE “third man” who befriended STEPHEN GATELY and his partner on the night the BOYZONE star died saw his body the following day – but thought he was just sleeping and walked away.

The third man..? The mystery is turning into a thriller. Man dies from natural causes and the tabloids write their own plot.

The Sun has seen the testimony Mr Dochev gave Majorcan police.

The student, who met Stephen and Andy at a gay bar in Palma, also recalled the shocking moment when he finally realised the 33-year-old singer had died.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

The Danny Gans Story: The Voices Inside My Head

THE death of Danny Gans never made a big spalsh in the mainstream media. But the death of Gans, a Las Vegas stalwart, by iatrogenic means continues to occupy the thoughts of Anorak’s Man in LA. He reviews the latest news:

Danny Gans’ autobiography makes its official debut in bookstores today– the same day that Garth Brooks will announce he’s starting a long run at the theatre left vacant by Danny Gans’ death.

The Voices In My Head arrives five months after the Las Vegas headliner died of an overdose of the powerful opiate hydromorphone, also known as Dilaudid or “drugstore heroin.” Gans’ ghostwriter-turned-cowriter RG Ryan tells the Las Vegas Review-Journal what he told Tabloid Baby last month: that the book will not address Gans’ drug use (or his ownership of a pharmacy supply house), but that “readers may get an idea from the book about why he took them”:

“Gans sustained several injuries over the years that caused him long-term problems, including an ankle injury that ended his dreams of becoming a major league baseball player, surgeries, two car accidents and a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis.”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Susan Boyle Comes Out Fighting For Leona Lewis

SUSAN Boyle Watch: One day one from Leona Lewis being hit in the face by a fan / nutter / make-up artiste and Susan Boyle is taking up boxing.

The Mirror’s 3am Girls read the press release:

Susan Boyle has apparently taken up punching bags to de-stress. And guess what? Unassuming Suse is keeping it real by the shunning the middle-class-aspirational trappings and trendy gyms associated with boxercise to mix it up in her local boxing club in Blackburn. She’s so real. And she’s still blessed with that cross-demographic broad appeal, too – check out the cultural references: “One of her favourite songs is Eye Of The Tiger from the Rocky movie” said a ‘pal’.

If Eye of the Tiger can be sung slowly with organs and the Vienna Boys Choir on backing vocals, Susan Boyle may yet have a hit.

In other Susan Boyle news, Leo Hickman has a lament:

I have lamented in the past the fact that there rarely seems to be an online video with an environmental theme that “goes viral”. We get laughing babies, epic safari battles and Susan Boyle, but we never get a video that spreads an environmental meme to millions of people across the planet.

We all have your dreams to dream.

The image is of Susan Boyle’s album cover. Why they got Brenda Fricker to plays the part of Susan Boyle is beyond us. Maybe Susan didn’t want that makeover, having taken Amanda Holden’s advice to heart..?

Anorak

Posted: 15th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)

Michael Jackson Co-Writes Fated, The Comic Book Tale Of A Supernatural Pop Star

MICHAEL Jackson Tributes: The new Jackson comic book, written by Michael Jackson, Virgin book’s Gotham Chopra, with art by Mukesh Singh.

Rich Johnston says the new comic will be called Fated.

Co-written by Michael Jackson, it’s the story of a successful but reclusive pop star – called Gabriel Star – who survives a suicide attempt, only to find his sales increase and he starts to exhibit supernatural abilities.

We’ve seen Jackson’s cartoons. And now the King of Pop, who became the King of Prop, is expanding his creative oeuvre. Swap the suicide attempts for paedo allegations and you’ve got yourselves a hit.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Peter Andre And Alex Reid To Cage Fight For Katie Price

IN today’s Peter Andre and Katie Price missive, the Daily Star leads with a picture of Peter Andre and Alex Reid, and this headline:

“YOU’LL have your legs broken, you fag tranny.”

The story goes:

FURIOUS Peter Andre has sensationally raged at love rival Alex Reid: “You’re gonna get your legs broken!”

This is dignified Peter Andre. Go on:

The normally mild-mannered singer finally snapped in a late-night phone call as Alex refused to let him speak to his kids. Alex revealed that Peter yelled abuse at him, calling him a “druggie”, “tranny”, “fag” and “pussy”.

Hey, Pete. Steady on. Alex is taken. Find your own love interest. Pete adds:

“Hundreds of people want to break your legs!”

Anorak

Posted: 15th, October 2009 | In: OK! | Comments (3)

Stephen Gately Is Now A Press Release

STEPHEN Gately: Anorak’s look at Stephen Gately in the news: How do you remember Stephen Gately? Why, with a press release.

Good morning

Somerset promoter Kevin Newton organised what has now become Boyzone’s last ever performance together as a group.

It was precisely two weeks ago they took to the stage at the Big Gig Weekend at the Royal Bath & West Showground at Shepton Mallet.

After headlining Saturday night 26th September 2009, Boyzone had a celebratory drink together with Kevin Newton at the Canards Hotel, Shepton Mallet, where most of the crew were staying.

Kevin Newton says “Stephen was in thoroughly good form and looking forward to an exciting year ahead. He explained how the band were putting together an album and hoped they would be welcome back to the Big Gig next year. What a tragedy for everyone. We feel privileged that their performance was so well received by the crowd. It was a wonderful final performance by one of the country’s finest entertainers.”

Kevin Newton is available on [number redacted].

Touching stuff…

Anorak

Posted: 15th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Stephen Gately: Overdosing On Cannabis And Speculation

STEPHEN Gately: Anorak’s look at Stephen Gately in the news: with drugs, death, Louis Walsh, the X Factor and a burial…

The Sun has news. It’s front–page news: “Gately used dope.”

TRAGIC BOYZONE star STEPHEN GATELY smoked cannabis on the night he died, police revealed yesterday. Forensic experts discovered evidence of the drug in the singer’s urine after he was found dead at his Majorca holiday flat.

The Sun has more news:

Stephen’s gay partner ANDY COWLES, 32, also admitted to detectives the star had been smoking the drug, a police source said.

Gay? Is that relevant? Admitted? Cannabis is illegal in Spain but the police do not see it as big deal. The use of “admitted” suggests guilt.

The insider revealed: “Although we know Stephen smoked cannabis on the night he died, that was not the cause of his death.”

No kidding. Has there been any case of someone Od-ing on cannabis? This story is shaped to cast a shadow over Gately’s death, to feed the media beast.

Get this in the Star:

NEW RIDDLE OVER DEATH OF STEPHEN

BOYZONE star Stephen Gately smoked drugs in the hours leading up to his death, it was reported last night. Mallorca newspaper Ultima Hora claimed autopsy tests found traces of cannabis in the singer’s urine.

It raises questions over the official statement by Spanish authorities that drugs were not a factor in the death.

And this wonderful piece of journalism from Richard Peppiatt:

Gately, who battled an addiction to prescription drugs after Boyzone split in 2000, is thought to have downed cocktails and white wine at gay nightspot Black Cat in the hours before he died. Studies of cannabis use show its effects can be greatly accelerated when mixed with alcohol, causing dizziness, vomiting and even unconsciousness.

It has also been linked to lung problems such as Chronic Respiratory Tract Syndrome.

Peppiatt cites no sources. But you can read this by the British Lung Foundation:

The evidence concerning a possible link between cannabis smoking and COPD has not yet been conclusively established. A number of studies indicate a causal relationship between the two, whereas others contradict these findings.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)

X Factor: On The Shayne Ward Protest March And Leona Lewis Is Attacked

X Factor news: On the protest march with Shane Ward’s barmy army; and Leona Lewis is attacked…

SHAYNE Ward. Anyone? Yes, you the man with the Marcel curl and packet of Monster Munch? No, sir, it’s not a voting district in Melbourne. Anyone..? Madam! Yes… Nice try. But Shayne has, to the best of our knowledge never squired a potbelly pig on a Thai beach.

Shall we tell you? OK. A Shane Ward is… Well, they can tell you. The Manchester Evening News knows:

FANS of X Factor winner Shayne Ward have taken to the streets of Manchester to protest at delays in releasing his new album.

What do we want? To spend our money on manufactured reality TV musicians and corporate record companies! When do we want it? Before we hit puberty!

The singer, from Clayton, shot to fame after winning the X Factor three years ago, but has not released any new material for almost two years.

Because he’s so popular that if he releases an album there is the risk that unless everyone can buy one there will be riots and looting?

Fan Julie Nelson-Littleproud said that she felt forced to act after Shayne’s record label repeatedly delayed the release of his third album.

Julie Nelson-Littleproud is a product of nominative determinism. She is:

Superfan Julie Nelson-Littleproud, who is the woman behind the protest… “[Shayne is] just a normal person, really down-to-earth and so easy to talk to, not at all struck by stardom. He appreciates his fans and he always does the best for them.”

That was earlier in the month. Now Julie is at large once more:

“We, the fans, want a new album, we want a new tour and we want Shayne to be given the chance to shine like the star we know he truly is.”

Shayne is said to be recording an album in a studio – an album that will be released early next year in time for the January sales.

Meanwhile, another X Factor winner, Leona Lewis, has reportedly been slapped during a book signing at Waterstone’s’ Piccadilly shop in London.

When a celebrity is involved the Celebrity Police Force is swift to act, grabbing a camera, a big felt tip and a pot of Touché Eclat.

Says an officer for Scotland Yard, showing his good side to camera:

“The female did not require hospital treatment – we are at the scene.”

Drama, indeed. Shayne Ward may well be best to remain wherever he is…

Spotter: Bat E Bird in the forums

Anorak

Posted: 14th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)

Pamela Anderson’s New Child Slave, In Pictures

PAMELA Anderson brings you the most perfect vision of the future, the aspirations of a million and more blonde-ish pre-teens.

To the 6th Annual Hollywood Style Awards at the Hammer Museum in Los Angeles, California, where nine-year-old Adelaide Gault attends as Pamela Anderson’s train holder, keeping the entrails of a pink Vivienne Westwood dress from sweeping the floor.

Either that or the end of her cuddle cloth has caught in Anderson’s ‘Bay-Watch’

What young Miss Gault saw as she looked beneath the train can only be feared in the darkest night of the soul. She may grow up to be a trama medic or work with liver.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Stephen Gately: SADS, Betting And Suicide Bombs

UPDATE to the Stephen Gately Death Speculation: Having ruled out suicide, murder, gayness, drugs, drink and vomit the Daily Star says:

“Gately was killed by a dodgy heart”.

“Medical experts” say Gately was a “ticking time-bomb”. Not a bomb that would hurt anyone else, you understand; more a time-bomb that would kill only him and cause pain to those around him.

But this is not a tale of suicide nor of suicide-bombs, but of a young man’s death being treated as a spectacle and a topic of speculation.

A Doctor Sanjay Sharma is the “UK’s leading expert on Sudden Adult Death Syndrome”. Such an expert is he that Mr Sharma can examine Gately without actually meeting him:

“His lungs have been waterlogged very suddenly, suggesting his heart has failed. That is a heart attack…. If I was a betting man I would say it was an electrical fault. The heart would go into a fatally fast rhythm – around 300 beats a minute… Often in these cases, the first symptom is death.”

As a betting man. Anyone want a second opinion?

The coroner’s office in Majorca tells us that Gately died from pulmonary oedema, as we’ve learned. But the Star adds this:

“Lung infection, smoke inhalation and adverse reactions to drugs ranging from aspirin to cocaine can cause pulmonary oedema.”

Anorak

Posted: 14th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Peter Andre And Katie Price: Pete Stops Son Talking To ‘Gay’ Alex Reid

MORE news on Katie Price, who having risen to fame as Mrs Peter Andre is pictured on the cover of the Daily Star canoodling in a swimming pool or large bath tub from Ideal Standard’s Essex Range with Alex Reid, the cross-dressing cage fighter.

There is “JORDAN HUNK SENSATION”, and we learn via the Star:

“I make love to Kate dressed as a women.”

Kate Price’s lover says he only slaps on feminine gear for “special occasions” and is very “proud” of who he is.

Good to know that squiring Katie is still special and has not become routine. As we know, a lack of sexual positions is most likely what drove a wedge between Katie and Peter Andre.

Says Alex:

“I’m very gay, I love cross-dressing… It’s a laugh. So what? There are wars happening everywhere and people care about this? Give me a break.”

Hey, Alex, this is how wars start. Things can escalate. One day you’re wearing a skirt, the next your Jewish tailor says your bum looks big in it and before you know it you’re overcompensating by invading Poland.

“If I go out and wear a dress, so f***ing what? I’m proud of who I am, bring it on. I bet loads of people who slag me off for this are harbouring some desire that they’re too scared to admit or experience.”

Anorak

Posted: 14th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

TV Presenter Interviewed Michael Jackson After He’d Died

BBC Radio Five Live reports that TV medium Derek Acorah is to interview Michael Jackson. You can’t libel the dead, so listen out for Derek asking some hard hitting questions, such as:

Michael?
You there, Michael?
How you feelin’, Michael?

Before children rush up to Derek to scream “Are you my daddy?”, we recall the words of parapsychologist Dr Ciaran O’Keeffe, who “sensationally lifted the lid on the ghost hunting series, Most Haunted … and claims that the public are being deceived by ‘showmanship and dramatics’”.

We were given this anecdote:

While on a shoot at Bodmin gaol he invented a long-dead South African jailer called Kreed Kafer – an anagram of Derek Faker. “I wrote the name down and asked another member of the crew to mention it to Derek before filming. I honestly didn’t think Derek would take the bait. But during the filming he actually got possessed by my fictional character!”

Anorak

Posted: 14th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Five Ways The Media Sold Stephen Gately’s Death

STEPHEN Gately dies and the tabloid press suspects that he had died from drinks, drugs, suicide, depression, acute gayness, no longer singing with Boyzone and being Irish (and that was just the Daily Mail).

Then there is a post-mortem and we discover that he has died from natural causes.

A court official on the island of Majorca said the singer suffered a pulmonary oedema, an accumulation of fluid on the lungs.

Fluid. He chocked on his vomit, right? The Mirror’s Fiona Cummins and Graham Brough knew it. They screamed:

Stephen Gately choked to death on his own vomit

Anorak

Posted: 13th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Angelina Jolie Is Torturing Jennifer Aniston With Peter Andre

ANGELINA Jolie is “torturing” Jennifer Aniston. Angelina Jolie is torturing Jennifer Aniston for charity and to highlight the plight of the panda bear. Angelina Jolie is torturing Jennifer Aniston because she has heard the prayers of the people.

The National Enquirer has more and says the Angelina Jolie is torturing “childless Jen” with her twins on a recent sopping trip to Amman, Jordan.

Jolie and Brad Pitt and Knox and Vivienne are shopping for a birch, the wake of Judah’s cradle or the collected thoughts of Peter Andre: Chapters 1 Through III. If you’re going to torture Jen, you need to come equipped. Bring something messy to put in her hair.

A source tells us that “in Jen’s mind, her [Jolie’s] decision to show off the kids in such a public way was probably done to make her jealous.” It was a “stab in the heart” – which is more akin to murder than torture.

But, then, Jen is handy with knives and any pang to the heart will lead to a slow death that could last for another six years of headlines and news…

Image: 14

Anorak

Posted: 13th, October 2009 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (2)

Sinitta Takes Herself Inside Simon Cowell’s 50th Birthday Party

Hello! magazine invites us to Simon Cowell’s 50th birthday party, with your host for the night, Sinitta…

HERE come “CHERYL and FRIENDS” to give Simon Cowell “the night of his life”, trills Hello!.

Eamonn Andrews’ big red book has been replaced by Cheryl Cole’s orangey chest as we journey to Simon Cowell’s 50th birthday do in Wrotham Park, Hertfordshire and say “Simon Cowell- This Is Your Ex“.

Our host for the night is not Simon Cowell, rather his occasional X Factor sidekick Sinitta, who once dated the reality TV show supreme magistrate. Says she:

“I can’t believe Simon and I are as old as we are – I’m 40 and he’s 50! Where has all the time gone?”

We’d say it’s gone by in 1:40 second-long snippets of wannabe singers warbling someone else’s song.

But this is not all about Sinitta – did you know she used to date Cowell? – but about Cowell, whose birthday it is. Really. Sinitta. Really:

“For the 26 years I’ve known him… For week’s leading up to the event, I’d had friends from all over the world texting and emailing me about the party… My inboxes were inundated… I made a call to my friends Elizabeth Emanuel to see if the could sort out something amazing for me to wear…”

Simons Cowell is so glad to see you. He’s…

“I decide to switch off my phone… I also had eyelash extensions individually applied… As my present for Simon Dan would be painting a giant piece of art, accompanied by a Rat Pack stage show, in just six minutes…”

While we give it up for the fastest caricaturist in Christendom, Simon Cowell would like you to know that it is with a deep and sincere…

“I was completely blown away – every woman looked absolutely beautiful. Cheryl, Kate, Dannii, Amanda…”

Also there were… “Simon’s ex-girlfriends, Terri Seymour, Jackie St Claire, and myself [yes, Sinitta used to sate Simon!] all hosted our own tables in a row at the very front of the stage, with Simon’s top table immediately behind us…”

Just three of the friends and family who had “walked through fire with him in the past” – although Amanda, Dannii, Cheryl and Randy Jackson are more commonly seen sitting down and sipping drinks rather than walking through actual fire. But the challenge is no less diminished.

And who’s this? Ticket, please, sir. Why, it’s Simon Cowell, to thank one and all…

“Goodnight Sinitta… And I didn’t get to tell you, but you look absolutely gorgeous tonight. I appreciate it, I really mean it.”

Sinitta is 40.

Anorak

Posted: 13th, October 2009 | In: Hello! | Comments (3)

Karl Lagerfeld Hates The Curvy Lily Allen

LILY Allen just loves Karl Lagerfeld and Chanel. Lily loves it so much that she tells Grazia magazine:

“If someone had told me I’d be the face of Chanel when I was older, I’d have dropped down stone dead.”

…Like a feather, attached to a fat bird. Because here’s Karl Lagerfeld to tell us, and readers of Focus magazine:

“No one wants to see curvy women. You’ve got fat mothers with their bags of chips sitting in front of the television and saying thin models are ugly. Fashion is about dreams and illusions.”

Fat is about being happy and jolly. Well, it used to be. Now fat is about being depressed and prodded by skinny old men dressed as Williams II’s foot stool.

Anorak

Posted: 13th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Tamara Beckwith’s Language Classes

TAMARA Beckwith, the woman who reminds Old Mr Anorak of the Greek Cypriots’ habit of panting boiled eggs, tells Grazia readers: “I LOVE BEING MARRIED TO A CHAUVINIST.”

Tamara’s husband is just one reason why she should be admired. One other is that she has “peachy skin”. Another is that she is the “wild child party girl who got pregnant aged just 16.”

And we are minded of Craig Brown, the satirist, now working for the Daily Mail – who delivers his “I is – You Are – He is” look at the world, what we call Preposterous Pronouns.

Tamara is a wild child
You are stroppy
She is a pain in the arse

Tamara has a male chauvinist husband
You are married to a control freak
He is a pig

Tamara is a “buyer for a luxury online shopping service”
You are a shopahoplic
She is spoilt

Tamara wants to share her life with us
Youare self-absorbed
She’s talking to Graham on the Jeremy Kyle show

Anorak

Posted: 13th, October 2009 | In: Grazia | Comment

Lily Allen’s Heart Stopped At Farmer Karl’s Chanel Show

LILY Allen would like Grazia readers to know that “finally I feel beautiful”.

We join Lily as she looks at herself in a compact mirror, applies lipstick to her lips – on her face (this is no daring critique on the fashion industry) – and tells us about the moment she arrives in the Chanel barn with that Farmer Karl and his bevy of clothes horses made from actual people:

“When I came out of the hole in the stage, my heart stopped.”

Thankfully, Lily can do her routine in her coma, and neither Prince nor Rihanna, nor indeed any of the great and good that come to watch the bucolic splendour of a city farm where the cows go Miu Miu, the cats go “Mwwwwa” and the birds go “I’m a mo-del, singer actress bored of boys my own age…”

Anorak

Posted: 13th, October 2009 | In: Grazia | Comment