Boyzone Give Stephen Gately A Dignity The Media Cannot Handle

STEPHEN Gately is not long dead. The Daily Mail has led the tabloids’ charge to bury him not praise him, peppering a report of the former Boyzone singers early demise with suicide, drugs, depression, domestic violence and his sexuality.

Today the post-mortem will discover if Gately died from being gay, Irish, or whatever else pushed him to the margins of what Mail readers would term ‘decent society’.

Police in Majorca says there were “no signs of suspicious circumstances”.

Which brings us to the Sun’s front-page headline:

“I FOUND STEPHEN PALE AND COLD.”

Well, he can’t get on with everybody, nor be orangey-brown as the Simon Cowell pop factory paints its uniform acts.

It’s turns out that a Georgi Dochev says Gately was pale and cold when he had died. The singer was “very cold and white“.

As front page shockers go, news that a dead body was cold is right up with news that Katie Price sleeps on her back, the Pope has a balcony and the BNP is not keen on immigrants.

But here’s Dochev to deliver his “I was there” moment:

“I almost have not slept since this happened. I found Stephen dead and I woke his husband. I am still nervous and really upset.”

He tells the Sun. As for the background story:

Mr Dochev is believed to have accompanied Gately and his partner, Andrew Cowles, back to the apartment in the resort of Port Andratx in the early hours of Saturday. He confirmed he had spoken to police who are investigating the death.

The tabloids chip away. But there appears to be a quiet dignity surrounding Gately’s death. His former Boyzone bandmates Ronan Keating, Keith Duffy, Mikey Graham and Shane Lynch flew out to the scene to pay their respects.

A spokesman tells us:

“All the boys are home now. They went there to pay their respects and start dealing with the fall-out of the situation. However, it’s clear that them being there at the moment is bringing a lot more attention to the situation.”

So they left. They did not announce a comeback your, call for an urgent investigation, speculate on Gately’s state of mind, talk to the media nor grandstand and make themselves the centre of attention. They came. They saw. They left.

It’s more than the media can handle…

The Media Destroys Stephen Gately With Drugs And Suicide

Stephen Gately – a life in pictures…

Anorak

Posted: 13th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

Michael Jackson Opens Paul Anka Home For Resting Singers

MICHAEL Jackson’s new song “This Is It” is breathing life not only into Jackson, the Jackson Five, who sing backing vocals and papa Joe Jackson who can be heard playing the cash register, but also Paul Anka.

Anka is still very much alive, a singing conker who we learn co-wrote Jackson’s first post-reality hit yet remains un-credited on the record sleeve.

Anka says he has been promised 50 percent of the song’s profits:

“They did the right thing. I don’t think that anybody tried to do the wrong thing. It was an honest mistake.”

Anorak

Posted: 13th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Peter Andre Bans Alex’s Transvestite And Katie Price’s Pumpkins

PETER Andre and Katie Price – Peter says “Don’t let my kids see you in a frock”.

This is not Peter’s address to Katie Price but to Alex Reid, her current flame.

“Whatever people are doing in their private lives, and that goes for them or anyone, can you please not do it in front of the kids”

Peter Andre: Going It Alone goes out after the watershed at 9pm on ITV2. It features lots of shots of Peter’s private moments with the kids:

I’m not going to criticise, I’m not going to say, ‘How dare you do this or that’, just don’t do it in front of the kids. Give me that little bit of respect.”

Pete will not criticise but he doesn’t want you to do it front of children. Why a man cannot wear a dress in front of Pete’s children, we are not told. But Peter would be well do prevent the nippers from watching BBC’s Children’s TV show Undercover Dads:

Dave Chapman presents the ultimate undercover prank adventure. The kids think they are taking part in a programme called Mega Nanny – what they don’t know is that Mega Nanny is their dad in disguise…

In any case, Alex says he doesn’t wear women’s clothes. But while the Andre-Price Three avoid the perils of kids’ telly, panto and rugby club dos, the Sun tells us:

Grumpy Alex, 34, stomped out of a photoshoot yesterday after another bust-up with bossy Jordan – real name Katie Price. He was upset because she was excluding him from many of the fancy dress shots of her and the kids.

Fancy dress?

The ex-Hollyoaks actor walked out of Wadhurst Castle, East Sussex, in a sulk and chomped through a packet of MONSTER MUNCH in the rain while the Halloween shoot for a glossy magazine went on inside.

Monster Munch… Must be a prop for the Halloween photo montage. One question: if Alex can’t go as a witch, who gets to be the massive orange pumpkin?

More public rows to follow, surely…

Anorak

Posted: 12th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

X Factor: Hypocrites Cheryl Cole And Dannii Minogue Say Knickers To Kandy Rain

X Factor: Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue criticise Kandy Rain’s sluttiness. Danyl Johnson is out.

KANDY Rain – the ex-strippers who sought to move away from their adult entertainment past by strapping themselves into bodices, gyrating behind pole-like microphones and wearing pussycat ears, having already named their group in the manner of an American porn star – are no longer competing on the X Factor.

Kandy Rain have the X-ex-Factor, soon, perhaps, to have the XX Factor and, of the money is good enough, the XXX Factor.

Dannii Minogue says that the look distracts from their voices. This is Danni Minogue, she before attempting to regain control of her eyebrows, slapped on some pneumatic breasts, shiny knickers and bras and dry-humped the stage.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

The Media Destroys Stephen Gately With Drugs And Suicide

STEPHEN Gately died over the weekend. When a celebrity dies the media goes into hyper-drive. In the coming days their will be analysis, praise, eulogies and criticism. But for now there is mourning and chance for whispered tones and mawkishness. And speculation. And talk of suicide and drugs.

Get this from the Press Association:

Mystery over cause of Gately death

Well, until the post-mortem, held tomorrow, there are no hard facts about Gately’s cause of death. But the Belfast Telegraph has a list of causes its working through:

Boyzone’s Stephen Gately didn’t die from drugs, says grieving family

Gately also didn’t die from lots of other things. The introduction of drugs into the narrative is unwarranted, raising more questions than it answers.
The Daily Mail delivers this headline, full of speculation and talks of those drugs:

Stephen Gately: The Boyzone star’s secret life that drove him to lies, pills and depression

Why wait for the post-mortem? The Daily Mail get in early with the critique. And you know he was gay. Oh, yes, dear Daily Mail readers, a gay showbiz star:

And when he did finally come out in a blaze of publicity ten years ago, it coincided with him becoming hooked on drugs to deal with a bout [sic] depression so severe he became a virtual recluse who confided to friends his suicidal thoughts.

So his gayness depressed him? Or was it this:

But he confessed to battling frightful depression after Boyzone split. He said: “It was weird being on your own in Asia promoting yourself and not having your buddies. I was on anti-depressants for a couple of years.”

But he was gay. Gay I tells yer. Gay! The Mail clacks it’s marmalade-coated tongue and sprays flecks of spittle:

The feared backlash from the group’s girl fans did not materialise, but Gately later admitted he was subjected to homophobic abuse in his native Ireland and pulled out of plans to buy a home in Canterbury, Kent, because of anti-gay chants by local teenagers.

Kent is in England. Homophobic abuse can be more subtle and pointed than a few pillocks. And the Mail goes on. Take the words “Gay” and “Depressed” and make the link:

Doctors put Gately on antidepressants, but he quickly became addicted to his medication and later admitted: ‘I was a zombie. On these anti-depressants you can’t even laugh or cry.’

Anorak

Posted: 12th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (13)

Simone Bienne’s Guide Getting Sex Like Paul Gascoigne

IN this week’s News of The World, you can read how Paul Gascoigne wanted sex ten times a day with Sheryl Gascoigne, when she was his wife.

“Footballer wants sex with wife” is indeed a shocker. But before we hear news of Sheryl’s autobiography, Stronger: My Life Surviving Gazza, tales of her two-year marriage to Gazza, that ended in 1998 – other news in the NoTW catches our eye.

1 – How To Get Everything You Want in Bed

Anorak

Posted: 11th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

X Factor: Danyl Johnson Tears Kandy Rain Off A Strip

MIGHT it be possible to warm to Danyl Johnson, the X Factor warbler with the face of a Bronze Age Will Young, the post-modern reality TV wannabe who actually makes himself wince when he sings?

In the News of The World, a “FURIOUS Louis Walsh” has “branded one-time show favourite Danyl Johnson VILE and a BULLY after reducing his girl group Kandy Rain to tears.”

Kandy Rain are the former strippers whose band name sounds like an American tan ‘n’ stitches porn star.

The X Factor judge launched his astonishing attack after the band of former strippers sobbed down the phone to him when Danyl cruelly told them: “You’ve got NO chance of winning the show.”

Louis raged: “Kandy Rain rang me crying. Danyl was slagging them off telling them they were never going to win. He really bullied them. Danyl is vile. He’s everything I don’t like.”

Four girls rang Louis crying tears of pure sugary sweetness because Danyl told them what everyone else already knows, including Louis Walsh who’s bleating about the show being unfair led to the Daily Mail headline:

‘My X Factor acts won’t win,’ says Louis Walsh as he gives groups vote of no-confidence

Anorak

Posted: 11th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Stephen Gately’s Career In Pictures And Tweets

STEPHEN Gately is dead. The former Boyzone singer was 33. He died in Mallorca. The News of the World’s Dan Wootton broke the story after receiving a call from Gately’s management in the early hours of Sunday morning.

A press release is issued:

“Stephen tragically died yesterday whilst on holiday with his partner Andrew in Majorca. The rest of the boys will be flying out today.”

Dan Wootton, News the World: “Boyzone star Stephen Gately dies”

Boyzone star Shane Lynch said: “Me and the boys are flying out in the morning. We just need to get over to where he’s passed and work out what we need to do.”

Boyzone investigates. Officer Shane Lynch is on the scene. Meanwhile, on the BBC breakfast news, the presenter says it is a tragedy Gately died aged “32”. He was 33. And it is tragic.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Miley Cyrus Returns To Twitter

MILEY Cyrus is no longer on Twitter. I know. Pre-teens, paedos, men in caravan parks on the north Wales coast wearing badges will be sad.

But Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus is here to help.

Dad has gone on Twitter to tell the world:

Miley you are a light in the world of darkness. You were born ‘Destiny Hope Cyrus’ for one reason. You can’t leave everyone now. We r countin on u.”

Anorak

Posted: 10th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Katie Price And Peter Andre: Lawnmower Races, Shaved Heads And Girls Aloud

KATIE Price and Peter Andre Watch: Katie shaves her hair into a Britney Spears, Katie’s new implant, Kerry Katona is missing, Alex Reid’s lawnmower races and Katie out-writes James Patterson…

The Daily Star leads with: “Jordan’s head shave shock – Katie goes for full Britney”.

There is picture of Katie Price with what at first glance looks like a new breast implant on her head. She is a cherry or well-placed spot away from having a new Jordan.

FURIOUS Katie Price has hit back at reports she’s gone mental by threatening to “do a Britney” and shave her head

So this is only computer wizardry. Katie has not shaved her head.

And when she read media reports she was suffering her own breakdown, she told make-up artist Gary Cockerill: “Let’s just give them what they want and shave my head. Now I know how Britney felt – they’re all after me. No wonder she had a breakdown. I am being treated the same as her so I may as well look the same.”

Look out for Katie juggling her kids, literally, and spilling out of hot-pants as he puts on weight and dry humps a pole before masses of screaming children.

Daily Express: “BOOBS ‘CAN BE TOO BIG’”

Too big for what? Not too big for the Express’s sister organs like Channel X and the Daily Star, where the only barrier to bigger breasts is the size of your TV screen and the width of your tabloid paper.

Surgeons say “going too big” can create an unnatural look as well as breast tissue damage, drooping and over-stretched skin.

But – fingers crossed – you should earn enough money from them to pay another surgeon to tie any loose skin into a novelty bunny tail or a novelty Peter Andre attachment.

Baltimore Sun: “James Patterson’s a slacker next to Katie Price”

“And to think I was in awe over James Patterson’s recent deal with Hachette, which calls for him to produce 17 books in three years (reportedly worth $150 million). I know he’s a mini-comglomerate, publishing series such as Maximum Ride and Alex Cross, but he has lots of experience, plus the help of collaborators.

But Brit Katie Price, aka the model Jordan (not to be confused with the river Jordan), puts him to shame. Only 31, she’s writing her fourth memoir in the past five years!

When she’s older, Katie will be able to rest her fallen Jordans on her book stack. And everyone wants to read about Jordan:

“Reputable companies also do not want to get dragged into a sordid sales war where bitter partners are dishing the dirt on each other.”

Speaking about the mum-of-three’s latest endeavour, a spokesman for book chain Blackwell said: “She has done three already. This is not a book we would say to our readers, ‘You must buy.’”

Always good to have principals once you’ve cashed in on Katie Price and flogged thousands of her books. Because celebrities don’t sell books do they? Because books shops can make loads of money pumping out copies of proper literature by dead authors and don’t need to rely on books written by people off the telly? Because people like to be snooty about Katie Price while enjoying and profiting from her antics.

And Katie’s got lots to write about. Life moves pretty fast for Katie. Blink and you might well not have had enough Botox:

News Post Online: “Jordan, Alex Reid keeps neighbours up…with motorised lawnmower”

Former glamour model Katie Price, a.k.a. Jordan, and her cage fighter beau Alex Reid, are said to be keeping the neighbours up late at night by racing a motorised lawnmower.

Racing it against what? Our money’s on Katie’s lawn mower being her hair trimmers. And he mates. What mates? The Sun brings news:

JORDAN has been dumped by three of her four bridesmaids over her treatment of Peter Andre, The Sun can reveal. Best pal and pin-up Michelle Clack, 30, has not spoken to her for five months after she was told: “Choose Team Kate or Team Pete.”

Team Katie or Team Peter… Is there an option C?

Michelle chose Peter and Girls Aloud star Sarah Harding, 27, has ignored all calls from Jordan. Even drug shame star Kerry Katona has crossed her off her Christmas card list. Of the four at the 2005 wedding only former Liberty X singer Michelle Heaton, 30, has stood by Jordan, real name Katie Price.

This would be the Kerry Katona we are told is pushing for a OK! two-header with Jordan; Sarah Harding who is no longer in need of Katie’s patronage; Michelle Heaton who without Katie would feature in the press less often than a insert for blindness and Michelle Who?

Katie Price and Peter Andre – The Final Chapter: Addendum.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Amy Winehouse Showcases New Breasts On Strictly Come Dancing

AMY Winehouse has had a boob job. So says the Sun, which tells us that the boob job is “SECRET” because Amy didn’t tell the papers she was having it done.

Winehouse also failed to have her breasts enlarged in St Lucia, so failing to give tabloid hacks another reason to jet to the sunshine and comment on her bikini. Instead she had her boobs done in the secret exotica of London – where the Sun is, er, based.

And Winehouse had had her breasts enlarged, which may or may not be  the “routine procedure” her spokesperson tells of.

Winehouse is “BACK TO STACKED”.

Wino’s new breasts retail at £35k, For that you get a hospital stay, two 32D-cup bags and recovery time, with discounts for anyone bringing their own anaesthetics.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Leigh Lezark Plays Trains With Russell Brand And Katy Perry

IT says here that Leigh Lezark is an American DJ and model. She also looks like a young Jodie Foster with a brunette blackberry rinse.

We bring you this potted biography because after a little research we managed to discover the identity of this woman sat next to Russell Brand and Katy Perry at the John Galliano Spring-Summer 2010 ready-to-wear collection show in Paris, France. The woman who looks as if she’d rather be anywhere else than sat next to them.

During New York Fashion Week, Lindsay Lohan rearranged the seating at a show, “pulling out cards reserving places for other guests, including Juliette Lewis and Taylor Momsen, and throwing them to the floor.”

Until then it had never occurred to us that attending a fashion show was not enough unlike boarding the 16:45 from Paddington to Bristol in less comfy shoes. You arrive early, fight your ways past the hefty security, who demand to see your passes at least twice, and run for a seat, edging your way down thin catwalk-like aisles that anyone over a size 12 will get stuck in. You then look for a seat and discover that lots of them are decorated with little reservation cards. You sit down and then, having settled in and moved off, hear a voice with a sense of entitlement Princess Michael would consider excessive telling you that they reserved the seat you are sat in and you need to move.

Bravo for Lohan. Better if she removed the chairs as well to make us truly empathise.

So here’s Leigh Lezark, her joy at just getting a seat tempered by the realisation that she is seated beside Brand and Perry and forced to endure their canoodling at close quarters…

Anorak

Posted: 9th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Grange Hill Reunion, In Pictures

ANORAK’S spy was at the Grange Hill reunion, a thoroughly downbeat affair in which a few faces turned up and we recognised Zammo and Roland, Bullet Baxter.

Also there, a few others who were in the show when it became a pale and limp imitation of the original and craved a Gripper to come and kick its head in.

Anyhow, see who you can recognise. If you can recognise more than four faces, then you’ve done well – and that’s goes for anyone who can recognise themselves…

Anorak

Posted: 9th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Susan Boyle Album’s Bonus Track

SUSAN Boyle’s new album ‘I Dream A Dream’ has hit the shops in time for Halloween (surely Christmas? –ed).

The album features a pair of tweezers, an Amanda Holden shock mask and a personal plea from Nelson Mandela for him to meet with her. And that’s not all – buy now and get a free Susan Boyle puppet stuffing kit.

The full playlist includes:

“Wild Horses”
“I Dreamed a Dream”
“Cry Me a River”
“How Great Thou Art”
“You’ll See”
“Daydream Believer”
“Up to the Mountain”
“Amazing Grace”
“Who I Was Born to Be”
“Proud”
“The End of the World”
“Silent Night”

Anorak

Posted: 9th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (10)

Unlucky David Hasselhoff Stars In Remake Of Chance In A Million

WHEN they come to make a Hollywood version of Chance In A Million, the shoo-in for the role of unlucky Tom Chance – his “natural ability to warp probability to ludicrous proportions” – is David Hasselhoff.

Recently, The Hoff was taken to hospital for alcohol poisoning – but he hadn’t drunk a drop. It had all been a misunderstanding, a chance in a million. The Hoff said the Antabuse medication he takes for his alcoholism had reacted with Antivert, an ear infection medication.

Now, The Hoff has been even more unlucky. Reports are that The Hoff had been drinking for days in St Martins Lane Hotel. A Dr Paul Ettlinger arrives. The Hoff accidentally lashes out and accidentally lamps the media, who really does have a bruised forehead.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Kerry Katona Is Pregnant With…

IS Kerry Katona looking to get pregnant and so cash in on little Dona-Babs in a bid to solve any money issues?

OK! Magazine tells us that Kerry has set-up a scoop in which she is pictured browsing the aisles of Mothercare – snapped by the paparazzo’s Dummy Cam.

The press goes into overdrive and The People leads with:

KERRY KATONA: NEW BABY SENSATION – EXCLUSIVE, By Katie Hind and Rachel Spencer

OK! tuts.

“One downmarket Sunday newspaper even ran a front-page splash about how Kerry was keen to have another child in a desperate attempt to raise much-needed cash by flogging the first pictures to the press.”

Downmarket?

Anorak

Posted: 9th, October 2009 | In: OK! | Comment (1)

Simon Cowell Is Sick And Anton Du Beke Gives You Cancer

SIMON Cowell is “SICK”. And the X Factor is in “CRISIS”.

As other papers rant on about the Strictly Come Dancing Race Row (“Anton Du Beke is a garlic-munching surrender monkey” – Sun; “What did your grandpa do in the war?” – Express; “Anton du Berk gives you cancer” – Mail), the Star sticks with the X Factor news.

SIMON Cowell is in a race against time to appear on the X Factor’s first live final show after falling ill. He is laid up at home in pain and is battling to get well in time for tomorrow night.

If Simon can’t be there to offer his opinion, the fear is that the show will have to find another judge – and with only Kerry Katona and Mr Blobby available, this is indeed a crisis. The Star goes on:

The judge has also been banned from seeing the lads he is mentoring – Jamie Archer, 34, Olly Murs, 25, and Danyl Johnson, 27 – in case he spreads his germs.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Nicole Kidman, Simon Cowell And Pope Benedict Meet For Dublin Summit

DUBLIN’S National Wax Museum Plus in Foster Place has re-opened, and as the waxwork head of Pope John Paul II is placed beside the waxwork of current Pope Pope Benedict XVI, we look at some of the other waxwork effigies.

Almost human…

Anorak

Posted: 8th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Katie Price And Peter Andre In Slash Horror

MORE Peter Andre and Katie Price news as amid a fight at the Mayfair Hotel, bookmakers slash the odds of the pair reunited their camera crews and giving it one more shot.

Ladbrokes has reduced the odds of a Peter Andre-Katie Price re-renewal of vows (they renewed their vows on a TV show having made their original vows before God and OK!) from 100/1 to 4/1.

Whether he bookmakers would take money from Katie or Peter’s PR camps is a moot point. The odds are one thing, the size of the betting market another. A wager of anything over a pound might be turned down by the bookmakers, suspicious of fixing.

One day on from news of a reconciliation, Peter Andre, along with Mel B, her husband Stephen Belafonte, Chantelle Houghton and Nicola McLean are dining with Katie’s former agent Claire Powell at the Mayfair Hotel. That’s them bathed in an orangey glow sat before plates covered in hand-reared breast meat.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Katie Price And Peter Andre Fans In Street Riot

KATIE Price and Peter Andre: Today Katie goes beserk with an umbrella – there is “blood” – fans square up in Fleet. Britney Spears returns and Pete talks Pete…

Daily Star (front page): “JORDAN GOES MENTAL – Fight night for Kate and Pete as it gets bloody”

Has Katie been using Alex Reid for his cage fighting know-how? Is Peter Andre injured? Is the blood orange?

STRESSED-OUT Kate Price did a Britney yesterday as she went “completely mental” with a brolly. The glamour girl finally cracked as she lashed out at photographers with a bright red umbrella.

Kate, 31, flipped as she accused the paparazzi of all being “perverts” as they took photos of her while she was out shopping. She then screamed: “Why don’t you all just get a real job and f*** off?”

Proper photographers with proper studios in which they can take proper pictures of Katie Price’s boobs and crotch must despair at their amateur cousins. You show ‘em Katie. Says one paparazzo:

“She was crazed. She is normally so in control that it was really weird to see her doing something like that… She lives her life by selling out to the media, so how can she suddenly turn like this?”

We can’t say for sure. But – look! – Katie’s in the papers and the paps have their pictures. Lucky those chaps were there to witness the mayhem.

But what about that front-page blood? Well, there is isn’t any – unless you count the claret-hued umbrella. Goof, then, that the Metro newssheet keeps things sober:

Katie Price goes on Britney Spears-style umbrella rampage

Get Hampshire: “Andre and Jordan both scheduled for Fleet visit?”

Is Fleet big enough for Katie and Pete?

TWO celebrities currently going through a high-profile divorce could be in the same town Friday night. Organisers of different events say Peter Andre and estranged wife Katie Price have been invited to attend events just a few hundreds yards from each other in Fleet.

Will Team Peter and Team Katie in their colours (Peter: tangerine; Katie: mandarin) fans run amuck, smashing up the make-up concessions and hurling bottles of signature scents in the precinct? We turn to Hampshire’s Celebrity Police Force, expert in the causes and results of celebrity:

“Rumours have been circulating that the former couple are due to appear at different venues in the town, causing concern from residents of large numbers of fans and potential public order issues. Peter Andre is booked to make a personal appearance at Jaxx nightclub.

However, information suggesting that Katie Price is appearing at nearby Bamboo Bar is false. Officers have spoken to Ms Price’s management team which has confirmed that she will be attending a book signing and promotional event in Birmingham.”

So the story should be: “Andre and Jordan not both scheduled to visit Fleet.” Disaster averted. Hart Safer Neighbourhoods Inspector Geoff Scrutton says:

“Antisocial behaviour as a result of the night time economy was identified by residents as a priority for the area and we have worked extremely hard to tackle these concerns. Anyone who comes to the town centre to cause trouble will be dealt with robustly.”

To your umbrellas!

The Sun: “Cage-fighter: Jordan’s going to ditch me”

In a ditch? Because she, reportedly, made up a story about his being a transvestite called Roxanne (video footage of fighting trannies here)?

Now Alex, 34, claims the transvestite rumours are part of an elaborate plan by Jordan – real name Katie Price – to ditch him while retaining public sympathy. He revealed his fears in a late-night phone call to an ex-lover, whispering to her from a toilet at Jordan’s mansion in Surrey.

Alex told Danielle Sims: “Katie’s stitching me up. She told the papers I’m a cross-dresser to make me look like a freak. I’m sure she did it so that when she dumps me people won’t blame her.”

Can this be the same Danielle Simms who made Reid sound normal when she told us:

“Alex got off on rough sex. He liked to put his hands around my throat in a stranglehold and say, ‘Who’s the master? Who’s the daddy?’ All the time, he had his hands round my throat in a grip. Sometimes I’d have to cough or shake my head furiously before he’d release me but it never got to the point where I’d actually pass out.”

The Sun: “Katie pays Price of reality”

ITV2’s What Katie Did Next, which followed the glamour model after her split, pulled in 1.5million viewers. But Peter Andre’s one-off show Going It Alone got 1.7million.

Less trounced that the victim of 100,000 swing voters and interference in the Basildon area.

Heat: “Peter Andre sends a warning to Katie Price…”

Not another song? Katieeeeeee… Doncha beeeeeee haysteeeeee… Doncha way-a-steeeeeee… Ur fayyyyyysteeeee…. Nesssssssss…. Says heat:

“You have to be careful what you do. Actions can make or break you.” He agreed that he partly has Katie to thank for the fact he’s so well-known today, but denies that his reality show is in direct competition to hers. “It shouldn’t be a competition,” he told us. “No one knew my show would do so well.”

Hey, 1.7million viewers can’t be wrong – they can’t all be locked up in a secure institution with a telly on stand they can’t turn off. They can’t all be tabloid journalist looking for a story. Can they?

Anorak

Posted: 8th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Noel Fielding’s Ghost Haunts Never Mind The Buzzcocks

THE trailers for BBC music panel show Never Mind the Buzzcocks features a person who looks not a lot unlike The Mighty Boosh’s Noel Fielding – the Noel Fielding of whom the Sun’s Gordon Smart wrote:

Noel Fielding has been axed as team captain on the next series of Never Mind The Buzzcocks. The Clown Prince had been signed up as a regular on the long-running BBC comedy panel show. But when details of his drug taking emerged over the weekend, Beeb top brass withdrew the offer – Gordon Smart (August 17, 2009)

Anorak

Posted: 7th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)

David Beckham Can Barely See Victoria

VICTORIA Beckham’s weight is subject of heated debate in the celebrity magazine community. Today we invite you to consider two Closer magazine headlines and move the polemic forward:

“MISERY DRIVES POSH TOWARDS ANOREXIA” – September 29, 2009

Posh stress: ‘David barely notices me any more” – October 7, 2009

Well, if there’s less to notice – unless, of course, Day-vid looks at the magazines, the billboards, the TV shows, the magazines, the websites….

Anorak

Posted: 7th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Katie Price And Peter Andre Consider Getting Back Together

Katie Price and Peter Andre Watch: Peter’s “shit” song, the reconciliation and the truth about Alex Reid’s cross-dressing…

DIGNIFIED Peter Andre has turned to song to vent his frustrations at ex-wife Katie Price and her lover Alex Reid in his new TV reality show.
In ITV2’s Peter Andre: The Next Chapter (Peter got to keep the title in the divorce) Peter sings:

“It’s a piece of s***, it’s a piece of s***.”

All together now:

“Take a hike down to Devil’s Dyke, you ain’t worth s**t – and maybe this song’ll be a hit.”

Reports say this is a slight at Katie Price. But might it be rare moment of self-awareness in Peter’s oeuvre?

But Peter’s already set his divorce to music. And it might be time to look elsewhere for our celebrity sensation. But what’s this? In Now magazine, there is news of a reconciliation in “Jordan and Peter Andre’s last minute U-turn”:

It was the devastating moment when Jordan realised Peter Andre was the man for her after all.

As he roamed backstage at the MOBO Awards in Glasgow, shaking hands and hugging the likes of La Toya Jackson, Jordan sobbed at home: ‘Why do we have to go through with it? I don’t want a divorce.’

But behind his fixed smile for the cameras, This Morning’s ‘roving reporter’ Peter, 36, was feeling exactly the same sorrow. He told his brother Mike: ‘My life isn’t the same without her.’

Anorak

Posted: 7th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)

Lily Allen’s Chanel Barn Dance In Pictures

FRONT-page news in the Independent is Lily Allen’s performance at Karl Lagerfeld’s Chanel fashion show in Paris.

Lily has risen from the floor of a stage barn scene to sing a song about her rubbish lover. Perhaps a farm is the perfect place for an Allen encore? And, yes, this is the same Lily Allen that the Mirror reported had retired from music:

Guests filing into the Grand Palais were greeted by hop sacks, garlands of flowers and a giant haystack. A huge Chanel-branded barn sat centre-stage. Cock-a-doodle-doo squawked the soundtrack, and then the bucolic festivities began…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

The Real Story Of Kevin McGee And Matt Lucas

KEVIN McGee has died. He was briefly married to Matt Lucas, the TV star. And the media goes to work giving the dead man’s life meaning. Yesterday, Mr McGee was “Little Britain Star Matt’s Ex Found Dead” – today he is front-page news. The next biggest thing to a celebrity dying is someone who once knew a celebrity dying:

“The tragic truth behind suicide of Little Britain star’s husband” – Daily Mail

“Why Matt’s ex killed himself” – Daily Mirror

“Lucas ex blew £2million on drugs and booze” – Daily Star

“Matt’s battle of get ex off coke” – The Sun

The story is not about Kevin McGee, of course, it’s about Matt Lucas.

Well, he might not even be about him, as the Star scurries around for some stardust and delivers:

Telly presenter Davina McCall, 41, yesterday sent Matt a message on Twitter saying: “Hello, it’s Davina here. Someone on Twitter told me you were having a tough time so I’m sending you a hug.”

But what about Lucas. Is he ok? The Sun knows:

The Little Britain funnyman, 35, was last night in a “black hole of despair” after former civil partner Kevin McGee, 32, hanged himself.

He’s in a black hole of despair or the man who killed himwelf is? At least Lucas is not alone:

The distraught comic refused to leave his apartment in the centre of the capital. Little Britain co-star David Walliams, 38, spent hours comforting him behind drawn curtains yesterday. Last night he and comic Jimmy Carr, 37, nipped out to fetch him a Chinese. Dale Winton also dropped by with a condolence card.

The Express adds more celebrity mourners:

COMEDIAN Matt Lucas was being comforted by his Little Britain co-star David Walliams yesterday after his former partner Kevin McGee was found hanged.

The stars are there for Matt Lucase, as is the Mirror which delivers this charming headline to comfort him:

Matt Lucas: Ex husband Kevin McGee ‘killed himself after discovering Little Britain star had found new love’

The story – added by “MATT DIED OF A BROKEN HEART” – is based on the opinion of a namesless source:

A friend of Kevin’s said last night: “It seems he just couldn’t get over the fact there could be someone else in Matt’s life.

But the pick of the headlinse is with the blog SameSame, which learns of a man who hanged himself and tells its readers:

Little Britain Star ‘Floored’

How’s that for a tribute?

Anorak

Posted: 7th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)