Mel Gibson Was Never Arrested

MEL Gibson, patron saint of tits sugared, leader of the New Traditional Catholic Reformation was and was not arrested.

News is that Gibson’s lawyer, a Blair Berk, is to visit a court and ask the judge to remove the Drunk Under Influence from Gibson’s record.

As TMZ reports:

Berk will argue that Gibson because he has successfully completed all the terms of his 3-year probation.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Roman Polanski Gets Brett Ratner His Big Break

ROMAN Polanski’s arrest is good news for a voracious media looking for the next big debating point. And it’s top news for Brett Ratner, who, as the NY Post says, has been given her “big break” by the wayward director.

THE timing of Roman Polanski’s arrest in Switzerland on Sunday on a 31-year-old rape conviction couldn’t have been better for Brett Ratner. Hours before Polanski was busted in Zurich, Ratner taped an interview for BlogTalkRadio’s “Movie Geeks United” show and announced he’ll be producing a sequel to Marina Zenovich’s 2008 documentary, “Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired.”

More on that film here.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (13)

Angelina Jolie Introduces Jennifer Aniston And Her New Lover Scott Stuber

JENNIFER Aniston’s new lover is a man “she secretly fell for while married to Brad”; he’s “Mr Right”; she’ll “have his baby”; he’s called…Scott Stuber.

The Enquirer says this is the tenth man Aniston has romanced since Brad Pitt left her in 2005. All the other runners and riders are named: Vince Vaughn (tall actor), Geoff Stults (lantern-jawed actor), Paul Sculfor (mo-del), Jason Lewis (actor), Brian Bouma (film crew), Aaron Eckhart (actor), John Mayer (crooner), Bradley Cooper (Sean Penn look-alike marrying Rennee Zellweger) and Gerard Butler (“I am not dating Jennifer Aniston”).

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Roman Polanski: Harvey Weinstein On Switzerland And Rape As Entertainment

ROMAN Polanski, who pleaded guilty to the rape of a 13-year-old – he spent 42 says in prison – is making big news in the Independent, which borrows the words of our jobbing politcians and invites one and all to join the big debate. As the front page declares:

Polanksi: the big debate

When what is lawful becomes a debate, something has gone wrong, or right.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Katie Price Records Whitney Houston Classic

FRONT-page news on the Daily Star is Jordan’s heartache, a dagger to her left breast – [insert sound of air escaping from li-lo here] as she wails:

“PETER’S CUT ME OFF FROM MY KIDS”

It’s Jordan’s “heartache.”

FURIOUS Kate Price has accused former husband Peter Andre of cutting her off from their children. The model claims Peter has changed all his phone numbers to prevent her from speaking to them.

Is there another way of reaching Junior and Princess Timimimimimeeee? Can a note from mum be inserted in their morning tabloid? Can Newsround, the BBC’s children’s news show, carry special messages from Jordan to her kidz on the hour every hour? Will Katie be forced to wait until the kids get on stage to support dad and then scream: “Hax yooo dun yure ‘omewurk?”

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

A Chance To See Stephen Baldwin Get Beaten Up

STEPHEN Baldwin, one of the leading dozen acting Baldwin brothers, is following appearances on Celebrity Apprentice and I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here? by fighting actor Christopher Gambino on Wednesday, February 3rd at the BankAtlantic Center in Sunrise, Florida.

The bout is for good cosues –  “a benefit for our troops”, who will appreciate a jobbing celeb getting beaten up for them.

Yeah, this is the same Stephen Baldwin who said that if Obama won the election he’d leave America. It was a vow that swung the vote Obama’s way.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lily Allen Took A Poo For An Encore

LILY Allen anecdote of the day, via Q magazine:

“The worst [thing to happen while on tour] was being on stage in Seattle two years ago and I came down with diarrhoea but I still went on.”

Anorak

Posted: 28th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Alesha Dixon Presents TV Journalism Show

EVERYONE has joined the debate on Strictly Come Dancing judge Alesha Dixon. Inmates in institutions throughout the land, journalists with space to fill and dance enthusiasts are debating whether or not Alesha can be this season’s John Sergeant.

The Mail brings news:

Alesha Dixon ‘happy and relaxed’ as improved performance begins to wins over Strictly fans… Her performance on Friday and Saturday did not attract anywhere near as much vitriol in the BBC chatrooms and there were even some favourable reports.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Peter Andre, Dwight Yorke And Alex Reid In Fight For Harvey

DWIGHT Yorke, Harvey’s birth papa, has been telling the papers about his time with Katie Price, who is now divorced from Peter Andre an adting Alex Reid. Harvey waits:

Peter said: “I do not hate Dwight and I didn’t realise he felt that way about me. But I have been a real father of Harvey and he calls me Daddy. I guess that sticks in Dwight’s throat.” – Daily Mail, September 28, 2009

Anorak

Posted: 28th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Lags Try To Get Suicidal Jack Tweed A Razor

IT’S been a while since Mr Jade Goody, Jack Tweed, was the tabloids’ “Brave Jack“. Now he’s:

BLUBBERING Jack Tweed is going through hell as lags egg him on him to top himself.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

John Lennon’s Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds Dies

RIP Lucy Vodden, the woman who went to school with Julian Lennon and inspired his dad John Lennon to write Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.

She was 46.

The song was about drugs? Not so, says Lennon:

Anorak

Posted: 28th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The X Factor Fixed It For Me

WE’RE down to the final…24 in the X Factor, the pro-longed advertorial for Simon’s Cowell’s School For Music (please, sir, can we have no more).

These are the final 24 – the last 24 people in the UK to have not appeared in the grand final of a reality TV singing contest.

But hold a moment. It seems that the X Factor is less a school than a borstal, a last chance for jobbing wannabes to hit the big time and enter decent society, or clinch a walk-on part in Hollyoaks and/or a stint holding their enlarged chests in a lads’ mag:

Stacey McClean – a former player with pro outfit S Club Juniors.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Coleen Nolan Sex Tape

THE Daily Mirror brings front-page news of Coleen Nolan and the question that has burnt like a Swiss cheese maker’s cystitis:

“COLEEN – At last: truth about feud with my sisters”

With that long-awaited story now closed, the Daily Mirror can turn to other burning issues that remain open like festering sores ion the buttocks of the news’s body:

NOOKIE – At last: Nookie Bear: ‘Why I never got on with Orville’

EDDIE – Finally: Edward Windsor tells us his secrets of choosing a top bedroom sofa

Anorak

Posted: 28th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Full Police Transcript Of The Case Against Roman Polanski

ROMAN Polanksi is arrested for raping 13-year-old Samantha Geimer (then Samantha Gailey) at Jack Nicholson’s Mulholland Canyon house in March 1977. Polanksi was 43.

The media wonders if the Swiss can be blamed – and finds that they can  be –  and Anorak’s Man in LA looks back over the case.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (10)

Let’s Blame The Swiss For Roman Polanski’s Arrest

ROMAN Polanski is arrested in Switzerland and faces extradition to the US for having sex with 13-year-old Samantha Geimer in 1977.

In 1978, Polanski settled in France, where he is protected by France’s limited extradition with US. The media round-up:

The Age: “The controversial Polish-French director, 76, was arrested on Saturday as he arrived to receive a special award at the Zurich film festival. The Justice Ministry said he is being held to await deportation to the United States.”

Anne Applebaum, Washington Post: The Outrageous Arrest of Roman Polanski

Of all nations, why was it Switzerland — the country that traditionally guarded the secret bank accounts of international criminals and corrupt dictators — that finally decided to arrest Roman Polanski? There must be some deeper story here, because by any reckoning the decision was bizarre — though not nearly as bizarre as the fact that a U.S. judge wants to keep pursuing this case after so many decades.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (12)

X Factor Danyl Johnson’s Pants Open Up

WHAT news of X Factor favourite Danyl Johnson? What does he think of Alesha Dixon. What part did being Daniel with a Y have in his sob story? Katie or Peter?

New comes of Danyl’s sex life, which is perfect fodder for Graham Norton’s end of the vibrator show (insert joke about Susan Boyle’s pussy), Jonathon Ross’s TV spectacular – starring One Crude Question And A Smutty Remark –  and all other televised trouser gags.

The NoTW brings news:

The bisexual singer wears special SUPERMAN Y-fronts when he goes out on the pull. Like his comic book hero, Desperate Danyl is faster than a speeding bullet as he moves in on both boys AND girls in boozy clubs.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Katie Price’s Chicken Nuggets, Sex And Dwight Yorke’s Ring

HIGH time to hear from former Katie Price squeezer Dwight Yorke, Harvey’s daddy.

In “DWIGHT YORKE EXCLUSIVE”, the NoTW hears Dwight “reveal sensational details on his relationship with Katie Price”.

Ready for the sensation? Go:

DWIGHT YORKE: Jordan is wild in bed, Katie Price is tender

Dwight has bought into that marketing plot in which Jordan, the pneumatic aide to masturbation is different to Kate Pie, the pneumatic aide to masturbation in an apron. That’s Katie Price flashing her bra in an interview with Piers Morgan. That’s Jordan flashing her bra in the papers. See the difference?

PULLING Katie Price was like winning the double for soccer star Dwight Yorke – he quickly discovered she had TWO bedroom personas.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Jack Tweed’s Suicide Watch With Jade Goody

JACK Tweed says he wants to kill himself. In “JACK: I WANT TO KILL MYSELF”, the News of The World places Mr Jade Goody on suicide watch – “nor death shall us part”.

Beneath a picture of Tweed, readers are told:

QUIET NIGHT IN: Prison beans and orange squash is far from Jack Tweed’s usual Champagne style

One would venture that Tweed is sipping on “prison orange squash”. But we should not interrupt the facts as Jack’s mum, Mary Tweed, tells her story to the tabloids, and so – finally! – welcomes a bona fide outlet of Jade Goody Industries.

THE distraught mum of rape charge widower Jack Tweed told yesterday of her torment at seeing her “baby” in prison and hearing him threaten to take his own life.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Stefani Germanotta Sings Live In New York, Video

BEFORE Stefani Germanotta formed a one-woman committee and created Madonna’s camel face, and called it Lady Gaga, she was an NYU student with a piano and a date in the Bitter End venue.

Behidnt eh masks and the period features is a woman who can play an instrument, so making her an object of wonder and mysticism to Simon Cowell’s doll factory, and almost captivate a crowd high on sardony and mum and dad’s cash cards.

Cue the music:

Anorak

Posted: 26th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Strictly Come Dancing Judge Vows To Punch Alesha Dixon

IN “MY War With Alesha” – Craig Revels-Horny (the erect chocolate coated orange) tells of his Strictly Come Dancing arms race.

The Mirror’s headline promises much, looking to pile more misery on Alesha Dixon, this year’s John Sergeant. But reading on we get:

Furious Craig Revel Horwood has threatened to wallop fellow Strictly judges Alesha Dixon and Bruno Tonioli if they do not shut up and let him speak.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Video Of A Drunk Paul Gascoigne Sobbing

PAUL Gascoigne is the “GAZZ GUZZLER”, downing “six pints of Stella in 20 minutes”.

Gazza is a changed man. Half-time in the football was only 15 minutes, give a take a few if Manchester United are winning (more) or losing (less). He needs to quicken it up a bit…. The soccer legend, 42, got through more than 40 Stella Artois in 13 hours, sobbing he wanted to die.

The poor girl:

He also sent pretty student Jade Freeman, 20, texts vowing to get back in the England squad. She said: “He’s on a different planet. Without rehab he’ll be dead in 18 months.”

Anorak

Posted: 26th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Sophie Anderton Charged £15k For 120 Seconds Of Sex

SOPHIE Anderton, reality TV fodder, Jeremy Kyle interviewee and, reportedly, a former coke dealer says she “sold sex for £15k an hour”.

It’s a confession that begs the question: Sex with whom?

For £15,000 an hour, Old Mr Anorak’ assures us that you can go for bulk and have sex with an entire south-east Asian island – literally – most of Basildon or the late Queen Mother.

Reading on, however, it turns out that Sophie says there was someone out there willing to stump up the £15,000 fee to have sex with her, for a whole hour.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Lynch Mob Is The Best Damn Mobster-Cannibal-Zombie Film Of 2009

THE next big cult movie hit will be Lynch Mob, the ultimate mafia-cannibal-zombie film. Anorak’s Man in LA gets preview:

Hollywood isn’t the only place churning out movie news and movie hits. TB’s pal in Atlanta, movie producer Keith Walker, tells us that the long-awaited mobster-cannibal-zombie flick, Lynch Mob has finally made it to theatres around the country and is getting a lot of attention – and screams – for being one of the few mobster-cannibal-zombie-horror selections out there.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Matthew McConaughey To Star In The Weebles Movie

MATTHEW McConaughey is to star in the film version of The Weebles, the children’s toy.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

How Lily Allen Blew The Music Industry

MOST overblown tabloid tale of the day is in the Times, where Patrick Foster and Dan Sabbagh lend their names to the Lily Allen-inspired headline:

Blow for music industry as Lily Allen says Peter Mandelson’s plans too draconian

This would be the same gilded Lily Allen who yesterday “passed the baton” and would no longer deliver her confused and hypocritical comments on music piracy?

We’re less certain as we read:

The industry has been stricken by infighting since Lord Mandelson, the Business Secretary, proposed that the connections of those who consistently flouted the law should be suspended temporarily. Supporters of the plans, which at one stage included Allen, became involved in public arguments with the Featured Artists Coalition, which includes the musician Billy Bragg and members of Radiohead and Pink Floyd.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)