The Kanye West Meme Gallery (Updated)

KANYE West is now the subject of an internet game, a meme. You have to take the phrase “I’m really happy for you, I’ll let you finish but [insert name] had one of the best [insert object] of all time…” and apply the words to a new tableau.

So far, via: via; more.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)

Jessica Simpson Appeals For Her Lost Baby On Oprah Winfrey

JESSICA Simpson is a mum, or “mom” as the Americans are wont to have it, which sounds a bit like mong, a playground insult for people with learning difficulties. .

Jessica Simpson is mom to a Moodle called Daisy, a maltese poodle cross.

Jessica Simpson writes:

Still holding on despite the assholes who say it’s a dumb thing to do. Daisy is my baby… why would I stop searching? I’m a mom.

Any more of this and Jessica Simpson will be quoting Kate McCann and demanding an appearance on Oprah Winfrey, where she will dab at her eyes with one of her new range of tissues before timeline images produced by an out-of-work former FBI photoshop expert that show how Daisy would look in the year 2020.

Right now Jessica is out looking for her pooch. She’s probably in Antioch,scraping at the dry earth. That bone. You don’t think..? No. Too early. But might there be a seriel moodle killed at large?

Jessica Simpson – this one’s gonna run and run…

Madeleine McCann: The Story In Pictures

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Z Cars And Italian Job Writer Troy Kennedy Martin RIP

RIP Troy Kennedy Martin, notable for penning Z-Cars and The Italian Job. Dead from cancer at 77.

When in 1962 the writer Troy Kennedy Martin was confined to bed with mumps, he decided to pass his time listening in to the police wavelength on his radio. What he heard was a far cry from what was being depicted on television. As a result he created ‘Z Cars’.

Gone to that great self-preservatison society in the sky.

5…4…3…2…1…Farewell.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Queen Mother Swore At Jimmy Carter And Fancied Princess Diana

NOT only is Princess Diana back, but so too is the Queen Mother, who one might suppose features on the Express’ cover to make Diana look even more radiant.

The Daily Express recognises that its readers are too old to learn anything news so continues to publish images and news from the past to reassure them that things are as they ever were and ever will be.

Tomorrow, there’s a look at Princess Diana’s wedding arrangements with go-ahead designer Mary Quant and the Queen Mum is due to visit London’s East End to tell Doodlebug victims that they shan’t be coming back to her palace because they have dirty feet and even in a time of much upheaval standards are all. There will be much cheering.

Reading on we learn that a new biography of the Queen Mum has been penned and it includes in its 1,096 pages, possibly:

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (9)

Paparazzi Shots With Zinedine Zidane

CONTINUING our occasional look at paparazzi pictures of famous people relaxing.

Here, we see French former soccer player Zinedine Zidane having lunch with friends at the french restaurant ‘Pastis’ in The Meat Packing District in New York.

The paparazzi: because it’s news…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Susan Boyle’s Pre-Recorded Song For America’s Got Talent Final

SUSAN Boyle Watch: Susan Boyle sings on the live final of NBC’s America’s Got Talent and the world reacts.

Britain’s Got Talent superstar Susan Boyle has faced the biggest audience of her career, singing in front of 25 million viewers on US television. Well, not quite. Her performance was recorded the night before the show. What viewers saw was a recording made to look as if she were singing live. Still, not everyone noticed:

* “SuBo has received a “standing ovation” for her performance on America’s Got Talent, the sister version of the Britian’s Got talent” – Sky

Did you get off your sofa and clap?

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)

All The Clues To Help Identify Katie Price’s Rapist

ANOTHER day and with it another clue in tracking down Katie Price’s celebrity rapist.

Rape victims of ordinary non-celebrity sex attackers need not be bitter.

They too can pore over the clues.

What we know so far is that Katie was raped a while ago, before she married pop acorn Peter Andre, and that the rapist is not just famous but “very famous”.

Now the star announces on its front page:

“Celeb who raped me has raped before.”

Is it Mike Tyson? Fatty Arbuckle? Ghengis Khan?

The name of Kate Price’s alleged celebrity rapist is circulating in showbiz circles as police prepare to swoop on her luxury mansion. But in an explosive live TV rant yesterday the glamour girl refused to co-operate with officers and says she will take the name to her grave.

Can she please write the name down on an implant and maybe stick it to her forehead. That way, we can all find out the rapist’s identity by peering through the Swarovski Crystal coffin.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (13)

Jennifer Aniston Compares Herself To Bambi

JENNIFER Aniston wants to tell us that she has not had her breasts enhanced. She wants to tell us that she has “lots of energy”.

But above all she wants to tell us:

“But now that I’m that bit older, my fears have dropped away and I fell I have all this freedom to explore the world – like Bambi going out to explore the forest.”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Hello!, Key Posts | Comment

Elisabetta Briatore Show Us Around Flavio’s Home

ELISABETTA Briatore wonders, “Is there anything more beautiful than having children?”

Dressed in a riding-high short red dress and lipstick, the question could be mistaken for an offer to Hello!’s readership. But it’s not. Elisabetta is married to Flavio Briatore, who thanks to allegations of cheating has left his post as principal of Renault’s Formula 1 team. Motor sports loss could be Elisabetta’s gain.

Inside the Briatore’s home we realise that Flavio, never seen with a beard, has created a place where a man can shave wherever he sees fit – by looking into one of the gilded walls, staring at his reflection from shot upwards glistening floors or, should he see fit, looking into one of the many mirrors that line the bathroom walls.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment

Freddie Windsor And Sophie Winkleman’s Special Hello!

HOW do you promote Lord Freddie Windsor’s marriage to Sophie Winkleman if the happy couple have declined to sell the rights to their do to Hello! magazine?

Well, if you’re Hello magazine you stick a photo pool image on the cover and label it a “ROYAL WEDDING SPECIAL”.

To Hampton Court Palace, then. And we see Sophie and Freddie smiling. And then we spot Princess Michael – four pictures of Princess Michael. And there’s Lady Gabriella walking away from a camera. Get a load of the back of her dress, readers.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment (1)

Lily Allen Blasts File Sharing And Radiohead

LILY Allen writes for The Times, delivering “my message for big stars who back piracy – ‘It’s all right for established musicians, but file sharing will strangle new talent’.”

Music piracy is having a dangerous effect on British music, but some rich and successful artists such as Nick Mason, of Pink Floyd, and Ed O’Brien, of Radiohead, don’t think so. Last week, they told The Times that file sharing is fine. It probably is for them. They do sell-out arena tours and have the biggest Ferrari collections in the world. For new talent, though, file sharing is a disaster — it makes it harder and harder for new acts to emerge.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

OJ Simpson Sued For Causing Heart Attack

BRUCE Fromong is suing O.J. Simpson over his heart attacks.

Fromong owned the store at the Palace Station hotel Simpson and his accomplices robbed in 2007. As reported, Fromong was “first rushed to a hospital in the week following the robbery”.

Since then, he claimed to suffer further health problems and sued for infliction of emotional distress, negligence as well as assault and battery.

No word from Simpson, currently serving 7½ to 27 years for his aprt in the crime.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Dancing With The Stars: Kelly Osbourne’s Unbearable Loss

IN this week’s Closer magazine new columnist Kelly Osborne talks about her time on the celebrity dance circuit and how she’s lost a stone.. in weight.

Kelly is set to appear on Dancing with The Stars, the US version of Strictly Come Dancing. And she tells us:

“I’ve almost lost a full stone already.”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

How To Make Keith Floyd’s Last Supper

KEITH Floyd, TV chef and bon vivant, has died and the tributes pour in to man being shaped by media.

The Independent leads with “KEITH FLOYD’S LAST LUNCH”. The Express also has news of this “amazing last lunch”. And the Mail gives the game away with a front-page menu of oysters, porridge and champagne.

The impression is of Floyd embracing life to the last, facing death not with an oxygen mask and tube but a massive blow out. The Times even creates legendary last words:

Keith Floyd’s last words (after champagne and oysters): ‘I’ve not felt this well for ages’

The Sun picks up on the theme and the Floyd vernacular by announcing:

“Hell-raising chef drops dead.”

And Floyd’s death was not without a wry humour, as the story goes in the Telegraph:

Keith Floyd died hours after lunch to celebrate cancer all-clear

After the lunch he returned to his partner’s Dorset home and excitedly told friends on the telephone that he had not felt so well for years. Floyd, a forerunner of television chefs Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay, had settled down on the sofa to watch a Channel 4 documentary about his 25 years in the public eye when he suffered the heart attack and lost consciousness.

The worthy Oliver and vain Ramsay make us miss Floyd all the more. But the dying man slumped on the sofa is not in keeping with the legend being created or of the man, a modern Confessions of a Flesh-Eater. So we get this:

Floyd, in his trademark bow tie, and Mrs Martin had gone to Hix Oyster and Fish House in Lyme Regis run by fellow celebrity chef Mark Hix. The £120 lunch was to be his last meal. Lunch included Champagne with a cherry soaked in apple eau de vie, £11.50, a glass of Pouilly Vinzelles 2006 Burgundy, £49 a bottle, Oysters with potted shrimp and toast, £12.70, two glasses Fils Cotes de Rhône 2007, £21.50 a bottle, Red Legged partridge with bread sauce, £21.50, pear cider made into jelly, £6.50. The lunch included a number of cigarettes. The lunch went on the menu yesterday as “Floyd’s Last Supper”.

Tasteful. And what he would have wanted:

Mr Hix said: “He ordered the grouse but my chef served partridge. He saw the funny side of it. He told my manager to slow down on the booze. He wouldn’t have been the same without a glass of wine in his hand.”

Which is why the Express and Telegraph both lead with picture of Floyd raising a class of vino du moment.

But not everyone is on message. Brian Viner watches:

One well-known roisterer, Keith Allen, went in search of another, the former TV chef Keith Floyd, finding him in a village near Avignon looking terrible, at least one decade and possibly two older than his 65 years.

There is already plenty of evidence to suggest that Floyd is not a particularly nice man, and plenty more emerged here, but his unflagging capacity to drink, smoke and swear to excess – including a liberal sprinkling of the c-word, which has officially lost its status as the last TV taboo – was seemingly enough to convince Allen that he was “one of the most honest and genuine people I’ve ever met”. Now, I don’t mean to sound pious. I’ve even been known to enjoy a spot of carousing myself. But there was nothing honest or genuine in the gruesome spectacle of Floyd getting steadily more hammered, more melancholy and more abusive at a lunch with his daughter Poppy, from whom he had been estranged for 10 years. It was car-crash television.

How do we remember the dead celebrity – as his TV image or as the man?

Keith Floyd RIP, A Career In Pictures

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Katie Price’s Rapist Give Hope To Women

KATIE Price is cradling Junior Andre on the cover of OK!.

“MY RAPIST IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY,” says Katie. OK! promises a “shocking interview and pictures.”

There is something about the headline that suggests being raped by a celebrity is better than being raped by a run-off-the-mill rapist, and that a famous celebrity is even better.

In refuges now are abused women bemoaning their dumb luck that their rapist was a workshy boyfriend who couldn’t even be bothered to appear on The Jeremy Kyle Show. What a bastard.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, OK! | Comments (3)

Madonna Performed As Lady GaGa, In Pictures

LADY GaGa is everywhere. Thanks to her masks and string vest burka she might be more than one. Some GaGa’s even be men.

Having been pipped to suicide on the MTV stage by Kanye West and his bottle of cognac, a GaGa was in New York to look over Marc Jacobss Spring 2010 Collection during Mercedes Benz Fashion Week.

Why GaGa want to see the latest fashion was a mystery, until we saw the pictures of her with Madonna. GaGa is Madonna’s camel face, the popstar by committee.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kerry Katona Calls Psychic Hotline From The Attic

KERRY Katona “BEGS PSYCHICS FOR HELP”.

“Troubled Kerry Katona is running up huge phone bills to 24-hour psychic hotlines”.

So Kerry’s not mumbling to herself, then as she paces the loft like an alcopop-laced Miss Haversham? A source explains:

“She’s been spending loads of time locked in her room, drinking and phoning these expensive psychic lines.”

Anorak

Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Katie Price And Peter Andre Divorce Annulled In 18 Seconds

KATIE Price and Peter were granted a divorce by decree nisi in “65 seconds“, says the London Evening Standard, formerly owned by Associated Newspapers, wonder of the Daily Mail and Metro titles.

“Peter Andre and Katie Price divorced in 42 seconds,” says the Daily Mail.

“Feuding Katie and Peter divorce in 60 seconds” screams the Metro.

So where are the missing 18 or 20 seconds? And why did ITV2 cut them from the show?

Anorak

Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Katie Price Reveals Rapist’s Identity

KATIE Price says she was raped. And then the other heeled clog drops: Katie says the rapist is a well-known celebrity.

So who is this celebrity?

“A famous celebrity raped me and Peter knows who it was. It was years ago before I was with Pete, and my friends and family knew about it at the time.”

Next week, Katie might tell us the colour of the rapist’s hair. Then she will maybe say where she was raped and give us a clue as to whether it involved lead piping, a rope or a gun. Then we’ll be able to play Strip Cluedo, Celebrity Edition, using our vibrating pieces to race around the board from Anand Jon Alexander, Fatty Arbuckle, Mike Tyson and whoever it was who Ulrika Jonsson said raped her in her book.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, OK! | Comments (8)

Patrick Swayze’s Career In Pictures

ANORAK looks at Patrick Swayze’s career in pictures:

D-listed remembers with this:

Anorak

Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Noble Peter Andre Feels Like A Middle-Aged Virgin

PETER Andre is making his debut on the new season of This Morning, with breastfeeding Liverpool aficionado Holly Willoughby, when Philip Schofield tells him that he’s been “very noble and very dignified and very gracious”.

The Anorak dictionary has been a work in progress for some years, and right now the finest linguistic minds are working on how “noble”, “dignified” and “gracious” are similes for Peter Andre accusing his now ex-wife Katie Price of being “cheap” and “disgusting”.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Keith Floyd RIP, A Career In Pictures

KEITH Floyd RIP. The EU celebrity mountain keeps getting smaller.

Last orders.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Patrick Swayze’s Last Days With Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie

WANT to know about Patrick Swayze’s “sad last days”, with Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston?

The National Enquirer has the scoop that Patrick Swayze is dying. While Enquirer readers wait for that story to develop, and the rest of us wish Swayze RIP, the Enquirer brings shock news of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. It’s:

“Brad & Angie’s WILD FIGHT OVER JEN!”

Can it be that after six years of front-page speculation linking brad to his ex-wife, Angelina has finally seen what Brad stopped seeing and a made play for Angelina herself?

Inside, and we read of “BRAD AND ANGIE’S BIGGEST BUST-UP EVER!”

To Chateau Miraval, France, where Brad and Ange are talking about Jen:

“They had just finished having breakfast with the kids when Ange turned around and accused Brad of trying to get in touch with Jen again via text message.”

The Enquirer says that Jen rebuffed Brad’s textual advances.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment (1)

Lady GaGa In Suicide Terror

“LADY GAGA in suicide shocker,” screams the Daily Star, which might have seen the singer dressed in a burka on the MTV awards’ stage to collect a Best New Artist statuette and puts two and two together to make… can you repeat the question?

The story is a sensation:

LADY GAGA shocked millions of telly viewers by faking her own death in a sick stage stunt. The outrageous star collapsed dripping in “blood” during her performance at the MTV Video Music Awards in New York. Fans were stunned as she pretended to stab herself in the chest. Her white outfit was smeared with gore as she writhed around and rubbed the fake blood on her face.

Bloodsoaked Gaga, 23, next appeared hanging limply from a cord suspended from the roof, her neck twisted to the side and a blank look on her face.

And this all happened while the world’s media was watching brattish pop star Kanye West behave like a, well, brattish pop star? Now we known about it, there vey chance we can agree to be offended:

A spokesman for PAPYRUS, the national charity for prevention of young suicides, blasted: “This act is not cool: sensationalising and romanticising suicide is irresponsible. Celebrities, who are often idolised by young people, need to be more aware of the impact that such acts can have on vulnerable young people.”

Hey, kids. No climbing on stage and stabbing yourselves in the chest. It is not cool.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kanye West Repsonds To Patrick Swayze Death

BRATTISH pop star Kaney West repsonds to the death of Patrick Swayze:

Anorak

Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)