Summer Of Death: Rolling Stones’ Brian Jones Was Murdered

IT’S the summer of death and we are made to remember that before Michael Jackson there was Brian Jones – the former Rolling Stones guitarist died 40 years ago.

Now Jones’s death is to be reviewed in light of  new evidence. No, not a new Rolling Stones anniversary tribute. Well, not yet. New evidence of a crime.

Jones’ body was found at the bottom of a swimming pool at a house in Cotchford farm, Hartfield, East Sussex in July 1969.

Dead. End of story. Well, no. In showbiz no-one dies any more. The resting star just enters a new phase in their career development. And the Celebrity Police Force, the CFP, do so love meeting a star.

News is that the Sussex CPF have been handed new information on Jones’s death.

Back then, the coroner’s report stated “Death by misadventure“.

Jones’s lover, the Swedish Anna Wohlin (pictured), said she had dived into the pool and pulled him out and given him artificial respiration. But he died.

At the inquest, PC Albert Evans said that he had found at the scene a small bottle of brandy, a vodka bottle, a bottle of whisky and a number of containers containing different types of pills.

In the film ‘Stoned‘, the theory that Jones was murdered is explored. Stoned advances the not unheard but so far unproven view that the hapless ex-Stone was done away with by his disgruntled, one-eyed builder, the late Frank Thorogood…

A dead builder. A dead star. And a mystery.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (11)

Simon Dee RIP

SIMON Dee has died. Simon Dee RIP. It’s the kind of thing he’d have said.

That was Dee Time.

Dee Time, his pop music TV show, attracted a peak audience of 15 million people from 1967-69.

It captured the era, with closing credits famously featuring Dee driving away in an E type Jaguar next to a blonde woman.

He show’s catchphrase, in a nod to The Johnny Carson Show in the US, was the introduction: “It’s Siiiimon Dee!”

Dee Time – is up…

Anorak

Posted: 30th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Katie Price’s Pinky Pussy Show And Peter Andre’s New Lover

KATIE Price and Peter Andre Divorce: Dumped Alex Reid’s cocaine shame, Dignified Peter’s miscariage, Katie’s pinky pussy show and EastEnders…

NOTW: “JORDAN’S bad boy lover Alex Reid has been hiding a secret COCAINE shame.”

The man who looks like a cross between EastEnders actor Dean Gaffney and his dog Well ‘Ard, has dabbled in drugs? Says he – and, yes, he can speak:

“I’ve done cocaine once too often, say like once every month or after a fight and that’s not good. It’s not good for a fighter because it’s taken vital years off my longevity in my health to come back.”

Reid can speak, see – although his clarity of expression loses something when his words are translated from their native Double Dutch.

And of that porn film he’s in?

“It’s driven a wedge between us. Things haven’t been at all good this week. To be brutally honest, I’m waiting for her to dump me.”

Daily Star: “JORDAN’S JIBES AT NEW LOVE”

TROUBLED Katie Price blasted new lover Alex Reid last night, saying: “I wish I’d never got rid of Pete!” She labelled cage fighter Alex “soft” and “wimpish” before making plans to jet off to Ibiza on a family break without him.

Dumped.

Sunday Mirror: “Katie looks pretty (odd) in pink gear”

Adrian Butler (green socks, pyjamas and egg-stained tie) looks at Katie Price:

Katie Price looked like she’d taken fashion tips from the Pink Panther when she went to buy petrol yesterday. The model, 31, wore pink boots, riding breeches, top, hairband, sunglasses and handbag before going to her Brighton gym with cagefighter boyfriend Alex Reid, 34. She then met horse trainer Andrew Gould for riding practice.

And what of Dignified Pete Andre? What of him?

NOTW: Peter Andre’s ready to love again

Jennifer Wiley tells us that Peter Andre has moved on and is not in the least bit interested in Katie Price, not talking about her, not thinking about her…

“I have even taken off all my Google alerts and everything so I don’t hear about her. She is a grown person and I can’t control her. I have no feelings about what she’s up to.”

The end. ‘Nuff said. We will say not more about it.

“There are certain things you just don’t talk about – certain things that are private. What upset me most is there were other times we lost babies and we didn’t talk about it.”

Not a word said. Nothing. Pete is mute.

Sunday Mirror: “Katie’s priceless”

Kevin O’Sullivan – TV expert – has been watching Katie new telly show:

Far more entertaining than her nice-but-dull estranged husband Peter Andre’s achingly tedious docu-bore Going It Alone. Wearing one of her trademark drag-queen-gone-wrong costumes, Ms Price delivered her declaration of independence: “I’m single. What do you want me to do – sit at home and watch Minder?”

Minder? Showing your age a bit there, Katie.

Minder, Kevin O’Sullivan, the show that was remaned with Shane Richie way back in…2009?

Kevin O’Sullivan knows telly.

And we know more about Katie Price and Peter Andre than is decent…

Anorak

Posted: 30th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Leicester And London Michael Jackson Birthday Tributes In Pictures

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news- Jackson fans mark what would have been the star’s 51st birthday by dancing in Leicester and Trafalgar Square: pictures.

Look out for the dancers dressed in the outfits the police give people charged with sex crimes – white paper suits.

HOW do you pay tribute to a dead singer? By dressing up a zombies and dancing in a public square.

Anorak journeyed to watch about 500 dancers take to Orton Square outside the Curve Theatre in Leicester.

Meanwhile, in London about 100 fans massed in Trafalgar Square. Says London organiser Ilana Lorraine:

“I’m a massive fan of Michael Jackson so I 100% want to keep him alive.”

Cue the, er, zombies…

Anorak

Posted: 29th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Peter Andre Exposes The Sex Pistols While Katie Price Exposes The Media

PETER Andre, Katie Price Divorce – BY now you‘ll be wondering what Peter Andre has been up to. How’s the wife, Katie Price? How are the kidzzz?

Thankfully, Peter took time out to speaks to the Media Guardian Edinburgh International Television Festival and says that “This is what life’s all about…”

Life is all about talking about yourself, and whatshername to heat magazine’s Boyd Hilton – he works for the magazine that printed a sticker of the then five-year-old Harvey Price’s head next to the words “Harvey wants to eat me“. heat mocked a disabled child – Peter Andre’s step-son.

Andre – then tells us that Johnny Rotten – the pillock from the butter adverts – didn’t brush his teeth for two weeks in the I’m A Celebrity Jungle and wore the same undies for the duration of his stay.

Yeah, the ex-Sex Pistol wears underwear – under his trousers. How very bourgoise.

Dignified Peter then starts to talk about… plate tectonics. No, only joking. The BBC has yet to sign Peter up to its natural history department, but he has lived in a jungle for two weeks so give it time.

Peter the Dignified starts talking about Katie Price. And Tony Parsons is talking about Pater Andre talking about Katie Price:

We love Pete. So it’s sad to see him getting it so hopelessly wrong when he rails about Jordan’s new bloke hanging out with their kids.

Pete has reportedly had emergency meetings with his lawyers because of the amount of time cage fighter Alex Reid, the new Katie Price squeeze, is spending with them.

Pete, any man who has been through the divorce courts knows exactly how you feel.

Coleen Nolan, Parsons’ mucker in the Daily Mirror also know just how Peter The Good feels:

I know exactly how Peter Andre feels when he looks at another man – Alex Reid – playing happy families with his kids: totally sick, like he wants to retch his insides out.

I know ‘cos I was there once myself, seeing another woman cuddling my boys and laughing with them.

And Jordan, aka Katie Price – well, she does her own PR on Twitter:

Katie Price has accused her estranged husband Peter Andre of setting up family pictures of him and the children for the media.

Katie tweeted: “Heard pete doing shoot with the kids in sardina an going tues dont know why he is doing a shoot he has set up every other one in papers sad! (sic).”

What a celeb actually phones ahead to arrange for the snappers to capture the moment of deep love? You mean that Peter The Good isn’t always being sentimental? And Katie isn’t always a slapper?

Never! Much to discuss at the big media show. The modern media: one big cyncial marketing ploy…

Anorak

Posted: 29th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

The Weirdest Michael Jackson Birthday Tributes

MICHAEL Jackson is celebrating his birthday today. Well, he would have been were he not dead. Still, Google has marked the auspicious day with a new icon and Old Mr Anorak has been piping Jackson music into our ears and propofol gas into our lungs.

Jackson was the King of Pop when he died. and in the intervening weeks he’s become the balding, drug addled, sperm sniffing man we’ve come to celebrate.

Now, finally Jackson can be left in piece – at least he can once the concert’s ended, the reality show has faded from memory and there is no longer any controversy surrounding the death of a man who was not nearly as well-balanced, tough and together as he looked.

Spike Lee Tribute in Prospet Park, NY

Anorak

Posted: 29th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Oasis Announce Reunion Gig

OASIS have split up, gone to that great reunion-waiting-to-happen in the sky. No, Oasis are not dead. The Gallagher brothers are alive. No Michael Jackson-style presription medication for them – just good old fashioned preservatives and pickling. Says Noel Gallagher:

“It’s with some sadness and great relief to tell you that I quit Oasis tonight. People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer. Apologies to all the people who bought tickets for the shows in Paris, Konstanz and Milan.”

Sounds not a lot unlike a hissy fit. Indeed, given the band’s changing line up over time, we could soon have two Oasis, or Oases.

And what of Noel Gallagher, who is now seen less often as a musician than on an advertorial for Sky TV or popping up on Match of the Day to say how tough Manchester City fans used to be and patting Ricky Hatton on the back

Anorak

Posted: 29th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

DJ Am Adam Goldstein’s Last Tweet To Travis Barker

DJ AM has died. The DJ narrowly escaped a deadly plane crash with musical collaborator Travis Barker. The New York Post reports the death. He was 36.

And before he died, DJ Am Tweeted. It might be a Tweet farewell note. The printed word is dying – even the lonely use electronic ink to speak of their pain.

As TB says “the former fat kid Adam Goldstein, who was severely burned in a jet crash that he and Travis Barker survived somewhat miraculously less than a year ago, was found dead in his apartment in New York City, which he knew ain’t always what it seems.”

If Twitter is looking for the business model to turn clicks into currency, it should advertise itself as publicist to the stars.

On Twitter, the stars come out of grieve in, er, private?

LINDSAY LOHAN: “I can’t believe this.. i’m in shock. why? why? r.i.p. adam.”

P.DIDD: “DJ AM rest in peace.”

KELLY OSBOURNE: “I just cant believe that adam (dj.am) is gone i dont want to believe it im in shock. he was one of the most genuine people i have ever met!”

No word yet from Noel Edmonds.

Publicity is all. Emote. in public.

While the stars Twitter, the publicist clings to her job:

His rep Jenni Weinman says details surrounding his sudden death are still unclear but asked for privacy from the family. “Adam ‘DJ AM’ Goldstein was found deceased this afternoon in his New York City apartment. The circumstances surrounding his death are unclear. Out of respect for his family and loved ones, please respect their privacy at this time,” said Weinman – Hollyscoop

Too late.

How did he die? Ready for some more conspiracy?

DJ AM dies ‘from drug overdose’ – The Sun.

“He was found in his bedroom, in bed, face down,” says the police source, adding that the DJ was not wearing shirt but was wearing pants” – Ace Showbiz

And this form Earsucker:

Did Adam Goldstein’s ex-girlfriend Hayley Wood foretell his death?

And then the Tweet. always the Tweet:

The question remains, did Hayley know something was going to happen?

Her last tweet seems to say so. She said, “Violent visions” on August 27, 2009 at 7:51PM. While previous tweets allude to happier times with the DJ.

Twitter – it publicty for the recession. Stars are doing their own publicity…

Anorak

Posted: 29th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Michael Jackson Homicide: Wacked Off Jacko Donated Sperm

MICHAEL Jackson Homicide Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – sperm, marijuana, propofol and more found in Jackson’s body and home…

The Los Angeles County’s coroner’s report says Michael Jackson’s death was homicide. Officer La Toya Jackson (“and me, Tito”) of the La-PD always gets her man.

The cause of death is “acute propofol intoxication“. Big news on the media. this is propofol, the drug that Jackson’s Doctor Conrad Murray gave him the day before he died. Who would have guessed that it would be in Jackson’s system after death?

Other drugs in Jackson’s body include Midazolam, Diazepam, Lidocaine, Lorazepam and Ephedrine. The new Jackson Five.

But no traces of weed?

Marijuana and numerous empty drug bottles were found by police officers at Michael Jackson’s home shortly after he died, according to search warrants unsealed on Thursday.

Two bags of marijuana, a bottle of temazepam (used to treat sleeplessness), empty bottles of the sedatives lorzaepam and diazepam were discovered during the search. They also found four other empty pill bottles with no indication as to what may have been in them.

We would know more but the full toxicology report remains sealed, at the request of the LA Police Department and the city’s district attorney. Why?

Edward Chernoff, who represents Dr. Conrad Murray, says he’s at a loss as to why the Los Angeles County coroner’s office only released a brief summary of the results Friday, including that Jackson’s death was a homicide and the cause was the powerful anesthetic propofol and another sedative.
Chernoff says he needs to know precisely what levels of various drugs were detected and said the failure to release the report seemed like “gamesmanship.”

Dr Murray is not a named suspect, just routinely linked to Jackson’s death.

Meanwhile, Dr Conrad Murray has to be ruled out as being Jackson’s son:

Michael Jackson’s worried family are set to fly samples of his DNA to a secure English clinic in case unscrupulous fortune seekers use it to create a new heir to the star’s mega fortune.

The move was planned after it was discovered the King of Pop gave a sperm sample to a Los Angeles donor bank last year when he was considering having a fourth child.

Considering? And Old Anorak grabs his crotch and wimpers. Daddy…

Anorak

Posted: 28th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Eric Dane Had Sex With Rebecca Gayheart

HAVING seen the non-sex sex tape featuring Eric Dane, Kari Ann Peniche and Rebecca Gayheart, Life and Style magazine tells us that Gayheart is expecting a child.

No, not to join them in the bath. A former Miss Teen USA is not technically a child. The child is inside Gayheart’s tum-tum. She’s pregnant. As the source says:

“Having a baby has been a top priority of the past six months. She turned down the role of Penn Badgley’s mother on ‘Gossip Girl’ because it was based in N.Y.C. and she didn’t want to be away from Eric or travel that far. It was bad for her health.”

Anorak

Posted: 28th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Win The Michael Jackson Opus Notes

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – THE new Michael Jackson Opus, a 400-page record of Jackson’s life, will not feature life-size pop ups of the singer in action.

What you get is lots of pictures of the singer and lots of words about the singer and not a single song sung by the singer. Such is the way of pop music stars.

You also get copies of two drawings produced by Jackson’s own hand, possibly the one he kept gloved, unsheathing the digits when the muse to draw took hold.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Kerry Katona’s Accountant Tells All

MORE news on Kerry Katona, who has, allegedly, assaulted her accountant in his rooms. The alleged victim is one David McHugh, a “convicted fraudster”, and now here to talk to the press. Says he:

“I’m extremely fed up with that woman who thinks she’s God Almighty and can get away with anything. She went for me and threw scalding hot tea over me. The door slammed open and she said, ‘David, what the f***ing hell is this?’ She was yelling and yelling.

“… I’m severing all contact with her. We never really got on very well.”

Accountants were ever unstated.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Sandra Bullock In Disaster Horror

SANDRA Bullock arrives at The All About Steve, World Premiere at Graumans Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, USA.

Flashbulbs give the appearance of daylight, but we can assure readers that Sandra did get dressed in the inky black darkness…

Anorak

Posted: 28th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Kelly Osbourne’s Fierce Addiction to Vicodin With Britney Spears

WALKING button mushroom Kelly Osbourne has “lived under constant media scrutiny since hitting our TV screens in The Osbournes”.

It’s been hard for Kelly living under the media glare. Just how hard you can read about in Kelly’s new book Fierce, by Kelly Osbourne. And therein you can reada bout how Kelly used Vicodin, Hillbilly heroin, to beat the demons, cure the pain and get off her face.

Says the Sun:

Knocked by family tragedies including Sharon’s cancer battle, her dad’s quad bike accident and brother Jack’s drug problem, Kelly turned to prescription painkiller Vicodin.

Jacks drugs problems triggered Kelly’s drugs problems?

Here, in our first exclusive extract from her new book, Fierce, she tells how her first experiences with alcohol and prescription drugs at 13 led to a downward spiral that saw her in rehab four times in six years.

Rehab centres come with a revoling door fitted as standard. Rehab patients always seem to return for more treatment. Rehab works. A thousand rehab centres and a million therapists cannot be wrong. The entire extract is about Kelly’s drug taking. Drugs really do make you more interesting, kids. So pay attention.

My dad went into rehab the day after I was born. He was in the Betty Ford Clinic for the first three months of my life.

Are those two events connected?

There would be plenty more rehabs but little did I realise my life would be affected by addiction too.

Round and round the rehab door goes, where it stops, no-one knows.

In December 2003, Dad fell off a quad bike in the grounds of our Buckinghamshire home. At hospital he seemed OK, and kept pressing the morphine button so it would go into his system quicker – bloody typical. He pointed at the nurses and said, “Don’t let them f*** up my tattoos, Kel.”

But then he started making these gargling noises and brown bubbles came out of his mouth. There was a deafening flat-line noise coming from the machine he was attached to…

Eight days after, they took him off the ventilator. I said, “Dad, our single Changes is No1“. He held up one of his fingers. The tears poured down my cheeks.

It’s just beautiful. A life in rehab centres can be:

* As Jack and Dad were celebrating their one-year anniversary of being clean, I was checking into Promises clinic in Malibu on April 2, 2004…

* A year later, in 2005, I was having a Sunday roast with Mum and Dad and I nodded off at the table. I woke up to my parents looking over me in floods of tears. Dad was saying: “Kel, you’ve got to get help. You’ve just f***ing nodded off on us.”..

Sorry, mum and dad. It’s just the endless repetirion about dad’s drugs past, Pixie-voiced mum’s pooing dogs, Jack’s drugzzzzzz….

* I went to Las Encinas Hospital in LA and went through horrendous cold turkey again.

* They checked me into the psychiatric ward at the UCLA Medical Institution in LA, where years later Britney Spears would be sectioned.

I was there first. It was me, I tell you. Me.

* The next day the Hazelden rehab centre in Oregon collected me. It felt like I’d been in Groundhog Day since I was 16.

We know the feeling, Kelly. The repetition. The feeling of things going nowhere. The repetition. The feeling of things going nowhere. The…

Now Kelly has written a book, which may be part of her rehab, one her 12 chapters to redemption. And she proves that you don’t need Viocodin to feel relaxed and ready to nod off, you just need to talk about yourself more…

Image: 14

Anorak

Posted: 28th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

John Mayer’s 1991 Mugshot For Driving Without A License

JOHN Mayer’s mugshot is proof that celebs realises that with Twitter they have no need for an agent nor publicist. Mayer uses the social network to tweet a challenge to TMZ’s Managing Editor Harvey Levin.

Anorak’s Man in the Hollywood Swamp spots Mayer’s tweets that he was once arrested on the same charge as Fallout Boy front man Patrick Stump (see his mugshot for more proof of nominative determinism) – driving without a valid California drivers license.

Mayor challenged Levin to track down his mugshot from the offense. If Levin is successful, Mayor will donate $25,000 to the charity of his choice.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Lauren Bacall And Robert Pattinson Remake Nosferatu

LAUREN Bacall (nee Betty Joan Perske) is the latest star to realise that Twitter is a great self-promotional tool, and you don’t even need to flash your crotch – and you know Lauren would if the part demanded it.

Lauren has been to see Twilight with her granddaughter. While the little Baccallite saw meaning and plot and great acting in Robert Pattinson’s hair, grandma saw red:

“Yes, I saw Twilight – my granddaughter made me watch it, she said it was the greatest vampire film ever. After the ‘film’ was over I wanted to smack her across her head with my shoe, but I do not want a (tell-all) book called Grannie Dearest written on me when I die. So instead I gave her a DVD of Murnau’s 1922 masterpiece Nosferatu and told her, ‘Now that’s a vampire film!’ And that goes for all of you! Watch Nosferatu instead!”

Anorak

Posted: 27th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Michael Jackson Sperm Harvested

MICHAEL Jackson Homicide Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – Prince Michael Malachi Jet Jackson is this week’s Omer Bhatti; Jackson’s sons grow in number; and Jackon’s miracle sperm…

Michael Jackson is not dead – his sperm swims on, at large in a sea of controversy and indecision. Michael Jackson’s sperm cannot be killed by conventional weapons. Rumour has it that Keith Richards washes in it.

And the claim is that this magic sperm has created Prince Michael Malachi Jet Jackson, who is Michael Jackson’s son. Or isn’t.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

Ryan Jenkins’ Ex-Lover Paulina Chmielecka Talks Of Fights

RYAN Jenkins, an avid Michael Jackson fan, was on the run, accused of killing Jasmine Fiore and chopping up her body and stuffing the remains into a suitcase. And on the telly, Actress and model Paulina Chmielecka is talking to Today Show host Matt Lauer.

As well as being officially blonde and attractive – reason enough to be on TV – Chmielecka dated Ryan Jenkins for two years. Says the woman with the kind of surname Klingon speaking Star Trekkies can translate into “He cut me up and stabbed me into little bits”:

“Of course we fought like any normal relationship but there were no signs of violence.”

So her never killed you and chopped you up into bits in the manner of a more photogenic Henry?

Anorak

Posted: 27th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Davina McCall Swaps Places With Big Brother Housemates

BIG Brother is dead and with it goes Davina McCall, the hostess who now has to carve out a career for herself as something other than a nodding head on “Big Brother’s 1000 Best Bits, Tits and Shits”.

With no time to lose, Davina logs onto Twitter and does her own PR.

“I have a really amazing feeling watching BB now. Like I want to cherish every second… and love it even more if that’s possible.”

Davina will be presenting the show’s 11th and final series on Channel 4 next year, and thereafter she will be free to unleash her talent for saying people’s names really loudly and making the most unattractive, anodyne dross feel like they entertained the unattractive, anodyne dross at home. Davina McCall is the madam for prostitute TV.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Lindsay Lohan Sex Tape Burglary Video

Lindsay Lohan’s sex tape is stolen in a burglary enacted by people who look familiar to her. As Lohan looks to star in a new reality TV show, Anorak brings you the tape of the crime of the sex tape:

LINDSAY’S attempt to prove that child stars can make it as adults is moving onto Stage Four as Lindsay turns her life into a reality TV show.

Cameras will follow Lohan as she hits the Hollywood comeback trail. The thinking is that if we see enough of Lohan talking about herself someone will be forced to hand her a script.

A source tells Fox News:

“Rudolf is helping Lohan with a potential reality show that will encapsulate her trials and tribulations as she gets back on her feet and actually becomes a working actress again.”

Expect to see lots of pictures of Lindsay having her hair done, Lindsay reading a newspaper, Lindsay walking about, Lindsay driving and Lindsay doing all those things that the press show her doing every day.

What you won’t see is Lindsay having sex, although you might see it if the burglars who broke into her home stole a sex tape.

While police search for the three suspects who burglarized Lindsay Lohan’s home Sunday, the 23-year-old actress says she doesn’t believe it was a random crime.

Los Angeles police officials have released a grainy security video showing one man and two women, all age 18 to 25, entering Lohan’s Hollywood Hills home through a courtyard. The culprits ransacked the home and took items from a wall safe. The “Mean Girls” star says she knows it wasn’t an ordinary burglary.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

7 Things To Do With Big Brother Housemates

BIG Brother is dead. The last people to realise this were the show’s producers at Flat Earth Productions, who have called in Dr Conrad Murray to keep the thing alive.

But it’s no good. The show is dead. And the only thing left to sort is what happens to the housemates?

7 Things To Do With Big Brother Housemates

1. Keep them locked in the house as a living cultural artefact.

2. Secure Digitas to sponsor the show and euthanize the housemates, handing over the remains to Gunther von Hagens for his Body World exhibition, Hissy Fit.

3. Broadcast footage from the house to al Qaeda prisoners and wait for them to talk.

4. The EU Celebrity Mountain is growing too big for the silo and there are fears raised in Brussels that one good sized Greek celebrity or a Berlusconi harem could crash the market in celebrity flesh. Now though emerging markets in the Far East are willing to trade excess celebs for cycling goldfish.

5. A novelty pet for the significant other in your life who finds dogs too thoughtful and cats not bitchy enough.

6. See if they can be blended, in a blender.

7. Test the theory: you can never have too many scarecrows.

8. Ask them to think of three more uses to turn this into a Top Ten.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kerry Katona Picks Her Nose On A Podium

KERRY Katona is in the news. And if it’s not Kerry’s batter, fat and nose making news, it’s her eyes.

Kerry Katona can keep being in the news so long as she doesn’t run out of body parts. Recently, Kerry auctioned off her breast implants, and the thinking is that the monies raised will pay for a new third leg or hair extensions for her back.

As for Kerry’s eyes, Leighton Ogden is telling heat readers all about them. Leighton is billed as a “former friend” of Kerry’s, and Anorak readers will recall his testimony:

“Ogden’s first sexual encounter with Kerry had happened four months earlier, shortly after her engagement to Croft—behind a Tesco in Warrington last Valentine’s Day.”

Anorak

Posted: 27th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Chip Shape Kerry Katona “Batters” Her Accountant

KERRY Katona is arrested for “battering her accountant”.

So says the Mirror. If true, was Kerry driven to it by constant speculation about her weight?

Did a lack of fried food in her diet force Our Kerry over the edge?

And if you were to batter anyone, would you batter something as dry as an accountant?

A source said: “She struck out at McHugh and battered him. It wasn’t pretty. She seemed out of control.”

Anorak

Posted: 27th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Katie Price Auditions For A New Peter Andre On TV Show

KATIE PRICE and Peter Andre Divorce – Andre Pinto tales of his secret sex with Jordan, Peter Andre gets another TV show, also secret, and Katie Price auditions for a new straight man…

IN “MY SECRET SEX WITH JORDAN”, Andre Pinto tells us more about his, er, “secret sex with Katie Price”.

This is “hunky” Andre, who looks a dead ringer for Robbie Williams’, if you  stretched the singer’s face on a rack and squirted lemon juice in his eyes.

This is Pinto the “model”, who Katie says she had sex with three times and his pal says “several times” in the course of a month.

This is Andre Pinto who replaced Peter ‘Half Pinto’ Andre in Jordan’s limbs. It’s Jordan’s homophonous relationship. If Petra Andre is looking in, she’d best prepare herself for a lesbian fling. And Prince Andrew, as you were.

While Katie interviews her new PA, the Star screams:

“JORDAN FURY AS PETE GETS TOPS TV JOB”

Only yesterday, Peter Landed a stingt aa shobiz reporter on ITV’s This Morning vegetables and valium show and already he’s scored a top TV job? What is it?

JEALOUS Jordan sank to a new low yesterday after hearing her estranged husband had clinched one of TV’s best showbiz jobs.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)

Kerry Katona Arrested And Kept To Police Cells

KERRY Katona has been arrested and questioned over an allegation that she assaulted a man in Warrington.

Katona is arrested in Warrington by Cheshire Police, the northern chapter of the Celebrity Police Force, who tells us:

“At approximately 3.50pm on Wednesday August 26, Cheshire Police attended a premises on Hawthorne Business Park in Warrington following a report of an assault.

“A 28-year-old woman from the Wilmslow area has been arrested on suspicion of assault, criminal damage and a public order offence.”

Anorak

Posted: 26th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment