Peter Andre Rumbles With Mohammad Ali

PETER Andre is to croon at Muhammad Ali, providing a sound track to the legendary boxer’s UK tour.

The temptation is to suggest that Sentimental Peter’s singing will tap into any latent aggression Ali still harbours.

At a Stoke City Football Club lunch this week the estranged Mr Katie Price will perform a medley of songs.

Of course, Al and Andre share a history of rumbling in the jungle, Ali taking on huge-chested George Foreman and Andre tacking the sheer physical dominance of Katie Price.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Katie Price’s Pregnancy Dilemma: Who’s The Daddy?

KATIE PRICE – Peter Andre Divorce: who is the father of Katie’s child? Alex Reid? Andre Pinto? Peter Andre? Phil Turner and Gary Cockerill? We investigate..

In “JORDAN’S PREGNANCY DILEMMA”, OK! readers are offered that headline and beneath a picture of the fragrant Katie Price the teaser:

“I DON’T WHO THE FATHER COULD BE.”

Before we find out more, the Sun looks at possibly suspects, beginning with Brazilian Andre Pinto, 25.

Says Katie:

“I had sex three times with him. I was single.”

The Sun has more:

After exchanging kisses they embarked on a passionate relationship by sending each other hundreds of steamy text messages. Jordan, 31, admitted begging banker Pinto, 25, to send her X-rated pictures of his privates. And he sent her messages too dirty to repeat. Following a secret dinner at London’s trendy Nobu restaurant, the pair launched into a month-long fling.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

Michael Jackson’s Mysterious Dr Robert And Paris Puts Her Hair In A Paper Bag

MICHAEL Jackson Homicide Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – Drug cocktails, Dr Robert, Jackson brothers get reality TV series, Paris Jackon puts her hair in a paper bag…

Baltimore Sun Glenn McNatt

I’m no medical expert, but…

Anyone columnist a second opinion?

SAWF News: Minders snatch up Paris Jackson’s locks

Minders swept up Paris Jackson’s hair left on the hairdresser’s floor to prevent it being snatched for DNA testing…  Paris, 11, had a trim at the salon. Her locks were stored in plastic bags to stop them from being taken.

Of course, the hairs are being used to create a new wig for Jackson, who remains alive in rural Sweden.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kristen Stewart And Robert Pattinson Sex Video

IN this week’s OK!, Twilight actress Kristen Stewart says she and co-star Robert Pattinson are not in love, a revelation that the magazine supports by way of picture of the pair moving in for a kiss. No sex video, just a kiss. Still, more than enough room for controversy in OK!.

The 5th Rule of Tabloid is that all actors in a hit film shall be linked by shared bodily juices in print unless they are a) unattractive; b) over 50; c) already dating Jennifer Aniston.

For more news on how Pattison and Stewart aren’t dating read OK!, and learn:

“ROBERT AND KRISTEN COME OUT – COUPLE SET TO ANOUNCE THEY’RE A COUPLE”

And this gem:

“They’ve decided to be more open.”

See interview with Kristen Stewart.

“Rob’s dedication to winning Kristen’s heart says something. He’s falling for her fast and seems to be head over heels.”

Such are the facts…

Anorak

Posted: 26th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Rachel Stevens’ And Alex Bourne’s Honeymoon Orgy

RACHEL Stevens’ honeymoon with new husband Alex Bourne is not so much a threesome – in yer face Eric Dane – but an orgy. Everyone’s invited.

To Labriz in the Seychelles we journey to see Rachel and Alex canoodling in the sun.

We learn that Rachel and Alex plan to “keep their honeymoon vibe for ever”, doubtless by showcasing any children they have to the celebrity press, renewing their wedding vows on the telly and then groping each other for the cameras, until an agent drops them. Amen.

Rachel says a friend told her that after the showbiz magazine marriage, you can feel a bit flat afterwards. But Rachel says she has experienced no flatness, although she has taken the precaution of inviting an OK! photographer on honeymoon to keep her end up.

So what else, other than the OK! money, was so great about the big day?

Anorak

Posted: 26th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kate Garraway’s Superman Baby And Derek Draper’s Four Leaf Clover

GMTV’s “lovely” Kate Garraway and husband Derek Draper would like to present her “BABY BOY BILLY” to OK! readers. But take care with the little love, because as Kate says:

“WE LOST BILLY’S HEARTBEAT FOR THREE MINUTES.”

Had it slipped own the back of the GMTV sofa? Had Derek Draper, Kate’s charming husband, blogged about it?

“At one point the baby was very active and wriggling around and slipped to the back of my back which meant the midwife suddenly couldn’t hear his heartbeat.”

So she moved the stethoscope to your back and found it..?

“It was only for three minutes but to me it felt like an hour and I just thought, oh God.”

But Billy Draper is special. Having survived that trauma, he now hears dad Derek Draper explains just how special Billy is:

“When he came out, the midwives were like: ‘Ooh, there’s a knot in the umbilical cord! Apparently it’s just finding a four leaf clover.”

Albeit a four leaf clover covered in blood with a baby on one end, an ex-Labour blogger in the middle and a GMTV presenter with legs akimbo at its root. Best not to pick it. Leave it to the Red Rag experts, like Derek:

“Anyway I cut the cord with scissors and kept them as a reminder.”

Anorak

Posted: 26th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Michael Jackson: Officer La Toya Jackson And Tito’s TV Crime Show

MICHAEL Jackson Homicide Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – Officer La Toya Jackson’s TV show investigates celebrity deaths…

Daily Mirror: “JUSTICE FOR JACKO”

“Sister La Toya insists ‘killer’ must pay”

Anorak can see the spinoff TV series now: LaPD – Killer Must Pay.
La Toya and her bumbling sidekick Tito investigate the deaths of leading showbiz performers:

Did Rod Hull fall from the roof? Who sold Isadora Duncan that scarf? Michael Hutchence – why was he still wearing a belt? Elvis Presley was a strict vegetarian. Mark Bolan – who planted the tree? What did Steve Irwin know? Lupe Velez drowned in the toilet bowl – where was her maid?

La Toya, call me. I have ideas and plans.

In series one, La Toya investigates the death of her brother, Michael Jackson. “Michael Jackson death: Now all the world will know the truth,” says La Toya Jackson.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Farrah Fawcett, Ryan O’Neal And Redmond Star In New Reality TV Show

FARRAH Fawcett dies and careers are launched and reborn: former Mrs Rod Stewart and Mrs George Hamilton, Alana Stewart, publishes her Farrah & Me diary of Farrah’s death in My Journey With Farrah: A Story of Life, Love And Friendship; then Anorak’s Man in LA hears that Farrah’s lover Ryan O’Neal and Redmond, the son he shared with Fawcett, are to get their own reality TV show. It being what Farrah Fawcett would have wanted:

Father of The Year Ryan O’Neal must be hell-bent on getting his and Farrah Fawcett’s son Redmond off drugs and on the straight and narrow. The man who took over Farrah’s cancer documentary after her health worsened, and with the help of producers from NBC Dateline turned it into a morbid soap opera in which he had a starring role, has reportedly brokered a deal for Redmond to begin filming a reality television series as soon as he’s sprung from prison.

And yes, Ryan O’Neal will be a costar.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

La Toya Jackson Investigates Video Of Michael Jackson Alive In Coroner’s Office

MICHAEL Jackson Homicide Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news –  A new video of Jackson alive at the coroner’s office and Our Man at the Michael Jackson Wake (& Bake) spots Officer La Toya Jackson of the LaPD closing in on a comeback career as the new voice of Michael Jackson – she’s scheduled to speak in an interview on ABC followed by a bout of tag-team bitchiness on The View…

How’s this for coincidence: LaToya Jackson is recruited to co-host ABC’s The View for two days at almost exactly the same time she decides to give her first one-on-one U.S. television interview to “20/20” which airs on the same network.

A source tells The Rat that ABC, which “never pays for interviews”, has worked out a deal with Jackson whereby she’s paid a much higher-than-normal fee for co-hosting The View.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (42)

Michael Jackson Propofol Homicide Video

MICHAEL Jackson Homicide Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – propofol is the choice of child abuse victims, killed by a “conflict of interest“, the last days of Jackson timeline and Jackson’s stomach opened…

Michael Jackson is dead and the media is filling the void between the funeral show and the Great Gig in the Sky burial with tales of homicide and speculation about who Wacko-ed Wacko Jacko.  

Anorak’s Man in LA investigates propofol, the drug that Michael Jackson was parital to. Before we go on, this:

The LA County coroner’s office has refused to comment on reports by the Associated Press that Jackson’s death is being treated as a homicide.

“We have not released any information on the Jackson case,” said a spokesman. “We do not know where this information is coming from.”

So, the homicide story is wrong? Says Our Man in the Hollywood Hills:

Did Michael Jackson use the drug propofol to block out memories of being sexually abused as a child?…

“Propofol Abuse Growing Problem for Anesthesiologists,” from the May 2007 issue of Anesthesiology News, says propofol is among the most widely-used anesthetic agents in both hospitals and doctors’ offices (“It’s everywhere,” says one doctor). It’s also the drug of choice among doctors and anesthesiologists looking for a quick high…

“’Propofol is a drug that in a sense doesn’t get you high,’ said Omar S. Manejwala, MD, associate medical director at the William J. Farley Center at Williamsburg Place, an addiction treatment clinic in Virginia that, like Talbott, also focuses on physicians. ‘It blocks out the world…

“What’s puzzling, experts said, is the strength of the connection. ‘I don’t know of any other drug where the perceived incidence of trauma, particularly of sexual trauma [in abusers], is so high,’ Dr. Manejwala said. ‘It’s really quite remarkable.'” – TB

Huff Po: “Michael Jackson: A Victim of Conflict of Interest”

The cardiologist who treated Michael Jackson succumbed to a blatant conflict of interest: dangerous practice in exchange for dollars.

Says blogging doctor Carol Cassella, who’s also a novelist. No, her books don’t put people to sleep, not evne the heavy hardback anthology. No, that would be ridiculous:

Such conflicts bleed through many layers of healthcare today, from pharmaceuticals to scientific studies to durable medical goods and, yes, even the protected realm of the doctor-patient pact. It is a shadowy cost of healthcare — in both lives and money — that few lobbyists are likely to decry, but a cost Congress needs to examine before finalizing our next healthcare financing scheme.

Anyone feel a cause coming on?

Contact Music: MICHAEL JACKSON – JACKSON DOCTOR ASKS OBAMA FOR DRUG REFORM

A doctor involved in the MICHAEL JACKSON death investigation is urging U.S. President BARACK OBAMA to clamp down on “unethical” medics who exchange “controlled medication” for money.

Dr. Susan Essien Etok has told cops probing the superstar’s sudden death in June (09) that the King of Pop pressured her to prescribe him drugs and even offered her $750,000 (GBP500,000).

In a letter obtained by TMZ.com, the medic claims she attempted to “intervene and expose Michael’s dependency (while he was alive)” but was “blocked by ‘forces’ that are more powerful than I am”.

So why didn’t she intervene by telling the media, which do so love a Jackson story? Or by writing a blog, like Carol Cassella?

MTV: Based on the affidavit, the following is a rough timeline of Jackson’s final days:

Such are the facts:

June 22: Two days prior to his death, Murray attempted to wean Jackson from propofol by giving him a lower, 25 milligram dosage, along with anti-anxiety drug Ativan (lorazepam) and the sedative Versed (midazolam), which successfully got Jackson to go to sleep.

June 23: Leaving the propofol out, Murray gave Jackson Ativan and Versed, which helped Jackson get to sleep.

June 25, approx. 1:30 a.m.: Again leaving out the propofol, Murray gave Jackson a 10-milligram tablet of Valium.

2 a.m.: Unable to sleep, Jackson was injected with 2 milligrams of Ativan through an IV by Murray.

3 a.m.: With Jackson still awake, Murray gave the singer 2 milligrams of Versed through an IV.

5 a.m.: Jackson was still not asleep, at which point Murray gave him another 2 milligrams of Ativan through an IV.

7:30 a.m.: Murray administered the still restless Jackson another 2 milligrams of Versed in his IV. During this entire sequence, Murray reportedly told investigators, he was at Jackson’s bedside monitoring him with a pulse oximeter connected to the singer’s finger to measure his pulse and oxygen statistics.

10:40 a.m.: After repeated requests and demands from Jackson, Murray finally gave him 25 milligrams of propofol, diluted with the local anesthetic lidocaine through the IV drip to keep Jackson sedated. The lidocaine, which Jackson referred to as “anti-burn,” is used to counter-act the typical burning sensation at the site of the propofol injection. Jackson finally went to sleep, and Murray told police he continued to monitor the pop star.

10:50 a.m.: Murray got up to go to the bathroom.

10:52 a.m.: Murray returned and noticed that Jackson was not breathing. The doctor began CPR and injected .2 milligrams of Anexate, a drug used to counteract the effects of sedative drugs. Murray called Jackson’s personal assistant, Michael Amir Williams, on his cell phone for help and asked him to send security upstairs for an emergency. When no one came to assist, Murray went downstairs to the kitchen and asked the chef to send up Jackson’s eldest son, Prince Michael, then returned to continue CPR.

11:18 a.m.: Murray made the first of three calls spanning 47 minutes on his personal cell phone, which last until 12:05 p.m.; he did not mention these calls to interviewing detectives, who uncovered them through a search of his phone records.

Approximately 12:22 p.m.: Security guard Alberto Alvarez called 911 on his cell phone. The affidavit suggests that nearly 82 minutes passed between the time Murray found Jackson not breathing and the time an ambulance was called.

12:22 p.m.: Los Angeles Fire Department rescue ambulance responded to an emergency call at Jackson’s rented Holmby Hills, California, estate. Jackson was transported to UCLA Medical Center, along with Murray.

2:46 p.m.: Jackson was pronounced dead, and Murray refused to sign the death certificate.

Unknown time later that day: Coroner’s investigators returned to the mansion to investigate and find numerous bottles of antidepressant, anti-anxiety, pain and insomnia medications prescribed by Murray to Jackson, including: diazepam (Valium), prostate medication tamsulosin (Flomax), lorazepam (Ativan) and tempazepam (Restoril). They also found other prescriptions from two other doctors (longtime dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein and general practitioner Dr. Allan Metzger), which included anti-anxiety drug clonazepam (Klonopin), antidepressant trazodone (Desyrel) and muscle relaxer tizanidine (Zanaflex).

The Sun: “Jacko: It WAS homicide”

MICHAEL Jackson’s drug death is officially being treated as homicide, it was confirmed last night.

The Los Angeles Coroner’s ruling means the 50-year-old King of Pop’s personal doctor Conrad Murray is now the prime suspect.

So says the media. What says Dr Conrad Murray?

The doctor’s lawyer, Ed Chernoff, said: “Much of what was in the search warrant affidavit is factual. However, unfortunately, much is police theory. The timeline reported by law enforcement was not obtained through interviews with Dr Murray, as was implied by the affidavit.”

And as for the doctor selling out:

Although Murray admits giving propofol, officials found no evidence he bought it with his medical licence.

And:

At least two unidentified doctors gave him propofol in Germany between March and April 2009…

The Sun told last week how cops were closing in on Murray. US sources claimed he would be charged with manslaughter within two weeks.

Michael Jackson – the story that wouldn’t let die…

The 10 Craziest Things About Michael Jackson Death Mania

Anorak

Posted: 25th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

Angelina Jolie Goes Back To Namibia

IN this week’s Hello! we learn that Coleen Rooney hosts a party in which her unborn baby was the “star party guest”, Angelina Jolie makes a return to Namibia, Andrea Corr is married – exclusively! – and Jason Durr gets his twins…

To Coleen’s Rooney’s Cheshire party.

It turns out that Coleen didn’t order the tattooist but went for the sonographer, who brought along a 4D scanning machine to the party.

“You can see the baby’s features and movement,” says a source.

Pictured.

JASON Durr is an actor on Heartbeat.

He’s also father to twins: Felix Montgomery and Velvet Josephine. Should they ever make it big in the world of showbizniz, Felix is a shoo-in for the cat food gig and Velvet can get the pantyliner contract.

They will also share a terrific anecdote, nay, an “extraordinary, emotional journey that proceeded their arrival”. You see: “The twins were conceived with the help of a Los Angeles-based egg donor…”

In the current climate of Julia Roberts’ twins, Jennifer Lopez’s twins, Sarah Jessica Parker’s twins, Ricky Martin’s twins and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s twins. Showbiz IVF twins are about as extraordinary as the news that Jordan sleeps on her back.

ON the front page of Hello! is news of “exclusive photos” of the wedding of Andrea Corr to A. Billionaire.

The photos are indeed stunning because there is not shot of the actual wedding, just shots of the wedding party entering a church in Ireland.

Hello! no longer has scoops – it just has a few pictures. And to prove it, the magazine once more dredges up its pictures of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in Namibia for the birth of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (may her name be forever held in the highest organ).

Is it too early to talk of the death of Hello?

Anorak

Posted: 25th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Holly Willoughby Presents Harry On This Morning

THE more we see of ITV presenter Holly Willoughby the less likable she becomes.

Happily for Holly, she’s been spending most of her time on ITV2, which means she is supremely popular. But now she’s landed a job as Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning we will be seeing a lot more of Holly.

In readiness for this, Holly talks with Hello! magazine, and right away introduces her child, a son called harry and her own range of clothes, and did she mention Harry?

“Little Harry” has been on the X Factor tour with Holly. Holly says she “always wanted to be a mum” – now she’s a professional mum:

“I always wanted to be a mum, I couldn’t wait – when I had my maternity leave all I did was watch daytime TV, so now I feel a huge part of the This Morning audience will be people like me, mums with young children – now I’ve got Harry I can empathise with the viewers in that way, which is nice.”

As a mum, Holly will be expected to talk about her child and give knowing looks to the mums back home waiting for the Valium to kick in and Neighbours to start.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

Michael Jackson Obsessed With Adolf Hitler And Pretty Buckley Children

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – Jackson buried September 3, PAris’s new private school and the King of Pop’s Hitler obessesion…

News is that Jackson won’t be getting buried for his birthday present. (Oh, how he wanted the anaesthetics and the new O2 oxygen tent. But he accepts with his trademark good grace.)

Sun Sentinel: “Michael Jackson’s funeral postponed 5 days; will now be Sept. 3”

Michael Jackson won’t be laid to rest on what would have been his 51st birthday after all. A spokesman for the Jackson family says the King of Pop’s funeral has been postponed until Sept. 3, five days after the singer’s birthday.

What they gonna get Jackson for his birthday present now?

NOTW: “MICHAEL Jackson acted like Dr Frankenstein to create a perfect family of test-tube children, the News of the World can reveal today.”

Everyone gets daddy’s nose, right? The NOTW delivers the sensations in bullet points:

* KEPT dossiers on “ideal looking” children.
* LITTERED his bedroom with medical books on IV treatment.
* SUFFERED fertility problems due to drug abuse.
* ATTEMPTED to adopt a child from Bangkok.
* BEGGED Hollywood A-list pals to donate eggs and sperm.
* PORED over details of Nazi “master race” experiments.

Jackson was a Nazi lovin’, drug takin’, blank shootin’ amateur gynaecologist who observed children and was on nodding with orphans in Bangkok? A few weeks back he was just the King of Pop. Jackson’s been busy.

Very soon they’ll be comparing Michael Jackson to Hitler, as the 10th Ruel of tabloid journlism dictates.

He was obsessed with Adolf Hitler, collected Nazi medals and scoured books about evil experiments on prisoners at Auschwitz.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (19)

Simon Cowell In Steaks, Mustard And Mayonnaise

THIS is a pictute of X Factor judge Simon Cowell produced by television presenter and artist Kirsten O’Brien using chargrilled steaks, mustard and mayonnaise.

Anorak would have used breast of turkey or chicken fillets…

Moobs Burgers – D-listed.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

VV Brown On ‘Disgusting’ Peter Andre And Katie Price

SINGER VV Brown does not want to talk about the “disgusting” Katie Price and Peter Andre and is neither “Team Jordan or Team Andre”.

Says VV Brown:

“I think it’s disgusting the way they’re glamorising their break-up and they’re always in the papers.”

Ways VV Brown in Now magazine, which is not a paper:

“I don’t really know what’s going on in their relationship. That’s between them. And I don’t really care.”

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Katie Price’s Lover Alex Reid In Rape Video Shock

KATIE Price and Peter Andre Divorce: Katie Price’s new man stars in “hardcore porn” film Killer Bitch with children’s telly star and Jordan is a “slag”…

Carole Aye Maung and Dan Wootton tell NOTW readers:

JORDAN’S new boyfriend is starring in a vile and degrading hardcore porn film, the News of the World can reveal. We have seen sickening footage from the film Killer Bitch shot YESTERDAY which shows cage-fighter Alex Reid in a disgusting rape and strangling scene.

Not good rape. This is “disgusting rape”. So “DISGUSTING” is it that beneath a picture of Reid with his hand about a woman’s throat, the NOTW writes:

“DISGUSTING: Reid throttles co-star Yvette.”

Ready to be disgusted some more?

The disgusting footage we have seen filmed in woods in Capel, Surrey, shows Reid, 34, stripping co-star Yvette Rowland down to her red and black lingerie before straddling her. Grunting and swearing coarsely, he pulls down his jeans and his Calvin Klein underpants to expose himself fully for the cameras. The next scenes are too vile to describe in a family paper but end with him grabbing Yvette in a stranglehold and throttling her.

Too vile to describe in a family newspaper. (Yvette Rowland was once in children’s telly show Byker Grove). But they’re fine for the NOTW. And which in the Sunday People mutates into:

“JORDAN FURY AT LOVER’S ROMP IN WOODS”

The People knows and having told readers, “neither he nor Yvette went totally naked”, hears a soruce trill: “Neither Alex or Yvette had any problems with stripping off.”

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Kerry Katona’s Extra Nostril Filled With Bacon Fat, Pictures

NEWS now on Kerry Katona, aka Cocaine Kerry, and that “a bit of Kerry’s nose fell out.”

What it fell out of, we can only guess, but the smart money is on a tin of biscuits or a packet of Iceland Boozie Brownies.

In the News of the World, Dan Wootton sniffs out the truth:

COCAINE addict Kerry Katona failed to realise the horrific damage her drug-snorting is inflicting even when part of her nose FELL OUT in the bathroom.

As she held out the stray bit of nostril in her outstretched hand, fallen Atomic Kitten pop idol Kerry confessed: “I’ve got a hole in the nose ‘cos of the coke. This has just come out.”

All the better to fit a straw into, you may suppose. But the TV star’s “stepsister and closest confidante Pat Ferrier was right there and shocked by what she saw and heard”.

And now the confidante tells the Sunday tabloids about what she saw, confidentially:

“We were in America for our dad’s funeral last year when the hole first started to develop. Kerry was in the bathroom for ages. I’d seen her take the tweezers in and I said, ‘What you doing?’

“She said, ‘I’ll be out in a minute.’ Then in her hand she’s got this thing that she dragged out of this hole in her nose. It looked like when you get the fat off bacon. I’ve got a strong stomach but that was almost too much.”

If you had to eat any celebrity, Kerry Katona would surely feature pretty high on the list, a kebab-reared mix of bacon fat and alcohol. If the breast implants could come stuffed with a sage and onion mix, all to the good for self-basting Kerry:

“Kerry’s life is out of control now. She IS a drug addict. Her nose IS caving in – I’ve seen it with my own eyes. She needs to get help or she’ll DIE…

Shockingly, Kerry agreed with me. She just turned around and said, ‘I’m going to tell you something Pat. My mum will outlive me. I’ll die young.’ “

And thus Kerry Katona becomes the victim of, well, something. As she tells the Sunday Mirror:

“No one forced me to do it, I’m a grown-up woman and I did it because I was very unhappy at the time and thought it might make me feel better about myself. I have been crying and been at my wit’s end since it happened…

“They [Drugs] don’t make you look cool, they make you look an idiot, and all your insecurities and self-hate – the main reasons I took them in the first place – are only made worse.”

But let’s put the Katona nose in perspective. How big is the hole, and can it be passed off as Kerry’s tribute to Michael Jackson?

The telltale hole in Kerry’s nose is not yet as bad as the cocaine damage infamously suffered by ex-EastEnders star Danniella Westbrook, whose septum – the dividing wall between the nostrils – was almost completely eroded. But stepsister Pat revealed: “The hole has got bigger and has penetrated through to the other side. Kerry can put the end of her glasses into it.”

Disgusting, but useful – and cheaper than a piece of string. It might even be the talent that keeps Kerry at the apogee of the British showbiz movement.

“She’s shown it to people. And it makes this funny whistling sound when she breathes through her nose.”

Life keeps getting better for Kerry. If she can hold a tune then the future is rosy. Onwards and upwards for Our Kerry, then?

“Kerry sees herself having a tragic early death like movie star Marilyn Monroe… Marilyn was one of the most famous women in the world and Kerry’s hardly in her league.”

Fair does. If Kerry dies young she will die young like…can we agree on Minnie The Talc, the woman who used to sit on the bench in the recreation ground shouting at the pigeons and eating frozen pizzas? Or James Dean?

In The People, Kerry Katona’s mum agrees that her daughter is going to die. And then wonders about that hidden camera:

“Only a few people would have had access to her bathroom to put it in there. She thinks she knows who did it and she is raging. She said to Mark, ‘You should have protected me, you shouldn’t have let this happen to me, I’m ruined’.

But this story is as much about Kerry Katona as it is about the video of her snorting cocaine/ anthrax/ bi-polar medication/ Tamiflu or whatever the teddy cam caught her doing. So lest any reader think the NOTW is complicit in a shoddy PR stunt or in cahoots with the Celebrity Police Force, Pat tells us:

“But it would be great if, when that day arrives, she HAS been off the drugs and can tell them this video was the turning point in her life. It could almost be a source of pride.”

And we are proud of the NOTW for giving us one of our Top Ten Kerry Katona Watching Moments.

But what next for Kerry, who has now been dropped by Iceland:

“It was great fun, good money and the people I worked with had become like a second family.”

The squirrel, right? Kerry spent so long with that Iceland squirrel there were fears her children would see it as their father. But dad is Brian McFadden, and he wants the two oldest Kerry kids. Only, as the Star reports:

KERRY KATONA has been thrown a lifeline in her bid to keep her children after hearing her ex-husband’s relationship is in trouble. Former Westlife star Brian McFadden is to launch a custody battle for his daughters following allegations Kerry took cocaine in the family home. But, we can reveal, Brian does not want the girls with him in Australia, partly because his romance with ¬Delta Goodrem, 24, is already strained but also because he doesn’t want their lives to be completely overturned.

Hurrah! Kerry aKtoan’s carrer is dead. But her kids are alive and well. Long live them. Long live the new Kerry Katonas….

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

New Kari Ann Peniche Sex Tape Emerges: Video

MORE news on that TV doctor Eric Dane non-sex sex tape as Kari Ann Peniche goes on the record.

Kari Ann Penish has issued a statement saying that she wants to be left lone, that her child abandonment issues mean she can no longer take a bath with less then two other people (mum? dad?) and that she thought Dr Dane could cure her.

No, not really.

Before Kari Ann poses for lads mags dressed as a kinky nurse, she wants the world to know that she only found out about the tape when Dane called her. Dane wanted to know if her former roommate on the show “Celebrity Rehab“, a country singer called Mindy McCready, had leaked the video?

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Carly Zucker Is Not A Footballer’s Wife

“CARLY Zucker isn’t most people’s idea of a footballers wife.” So says the Mirror, which spots Zucker, she of the reality TV show and celebrity magazine wedding, now seen showing off her cleavage for a tabloid newspaper article.

Carly Zucker is not most people’s idea of a footballer’s wife – if most people get their ideas of footballer’s wives from reading backcopies of Shoot! football magazine in which footballers always drive Ford Capris, have bubble perms and wives called Ann, who used to be a nurse.

The Mirror is adamant that Zucker is different:

She doesn’t have the bleached blonde mane, false nails and fake tan.

No, the tan looks real enough. This is Zucker who told us:

“I still live a very practical life. If I want something nice like a piece of jewellery I’ll wait and ask for it for my birthday.”

And who now tell us:

Things weren’t just handed to me, I had to work for them or wait for a birthday.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lily Allen Records Ashes Tribute To Heath Ledger

TO help tabloid reading footy fans make sense of the Ashes, the Sun looks at Lily Allen’s scorecard as “she spent the day rating the England cricket team ‘shag’ or ‘snog’” on the programme.

“Lily was marking her favourites on the programme and rubbing her fella’s face in it. She likes Freddie the best so she scribbled shag next to his picture and snog next to Steve’s.”

The South London Oval is not North London’s Lord’s, where Keith Bradshaw, the secretary of the MCC, opined:

“We have to brand the home of cricket carefully. We do not want to cheapen it.”

At the Oval you can expect Lily Allen themed score cards: fours as Phwoars, the boundary always just out of reach but never crossed. Forget the raised finger for being out – it’s two fingers at The Lily Allen Oval. And potential members have to be seconded by at least two celebrity family members or they’re out.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Jennifer Ansiton’s Vagina Pictures?

DID the New York Post publish a picture of Jennifer Aniston’s vagina?

Gawker says the revealing shot is of Gerard Butler throwing Aniston in the boot of the car for a scene in their new movie The Bounty.

Aniston is setting new trends in genital flashing – showing her vagina getting into and not out of a car.

But is it even her?

Anorak has already shown you pictures of Aniston’s weathermen, whose job it is to control the weather around the greater Aniston. Aniston thought Rain Man was a great idea.

Are we to believe a woman who aims to control the weather would leave her knickers to chance?

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

Jennifer Aniston Hires Her Own Weatherman

JENNIFER Aniston has people who hold fans for her to keep her hair from sticking to her forehead.

There is a long waiting list for the chance to be Jeniffer’s No.1 Fan Stand, almost as long it there is to be her Umbrella Man.
These jobs are not without danger. See those spokes and those blades.

See Jennifer’s hair.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Kerry Katona In Fight For Kids And Installs CCCTV

KERRY Katona, formerly Kerry McPadding, is in “Kerry cop quiz”, embroiled in allegations that she has taken cocaine.

While Anorak investigates if bi-polar medication can be snorted, the Sun says Kerry’s Kapers could be the last, er, straw:

TROUBLED Kerry Katona will be quizzed by police on Monday about her cocaine-snorting shame.

The Sun knows it was cocaine – just knows it:

Katona, 28, was keeping mum yesterday when she returned from holiday in Tenerife with husband Mark Croft. But she must explain to cops how she ended up being filmed secretly in her home taking the Class A drug.

Anorak suspects the teddy bear cam, or the Celebrity Police Force’s new CCCTV, which are to be installed in every celebrity’s house in the UK. CCCTV will alert the CPF to any wrongdoing and with it the opportunity for a meet and greet.

Meanwhile, Kerry marked the outing of her anthrax-snorting video by jetting off on her holidays:

A pal of the I’m A Celebrity winner said: “She has been totally stressed out on this holiday. She has told her inner circle of friends that she doesn’t want police at her house because she doesn’t want her kids to see them. But she has resigned herself to the fact that she has a lot of explaining to do. It has been just about the worst week of her life.”

But while Kerry takes the waters and the ice crystals, the Star says:

“BRIAN: I’LL TAKE KIDS”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The X Factor: How Susan Boyle Saved Emma Chawner From Ridicule

The X Factor returns and with so does Emma Chawner, the tabloids’ “beast” who will show us that in a post-Susan Boyle world much has changed. Also, look out for a live performance from Michael Jackson…

MICHAEL Jackson may not be performing on the X FACTOR this season. As we know Jackson will never be buried, securing from his nearest and dearest the birthday gift of an eternal performance at the Great Mausoleum at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, Calif. It was never going to be easy to top the 50 dates at London 02 oxygen tent, but the Jacksons never got anywhere without thinking big.

After Britney Spears did her impression of Max Wall on last season’s X Factor, a source oozed to the tabloids:

“Britney was a massive coup for Cowell. But he’s determined to raise the bar even higher and secure Jacko’s services. He is perhaps one of the few artists who could outshine Britney.”

A lifeless Jackson would doubtless out-dance Spears. But the X Factor is not about the stars, really, it is about the judges and the losers and the rejects, like Emma Chawner, the Telegraph’s “Teletubby”, and the Star’s “the beast”. Emma is back for some more humiliation, says the Express.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Armed Police Called To Big Brother Nigger Row

IN “Death of Big Brother”, Daily Star readers who may have mistaken the show for a morbid study of the bits left in the bath after the rest of life has swirled down the plughole, are told that it is an amazingly entertaining thing.

There was a “nigger row, live sex and bullying”. In short, all the elements of a successful big Brother were there, but they just weren’t broadcast.

BIG Brother’s sexiest babe claims TV bosses have covered up racism and bullying to avoid another Jade Goody scandal. Fiery Noirin Kelly says that since Channel 4 axed the 24-hour live feed, viewers are not seeing what’s really going on.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)