Courtney Love’s Erect Turtle Saves The News Industry And Photojournalism

COURTNEY LOVE “couldn’t get any more bonkers,” says the Sun (via D-listed), “she goes and posts a picture of herself in bed with a TURTLE on the web“. It’s an erect turltle and it’s not in a web, it’s on her head, like a novelty hat.

And with that another nail is hit into the belly of photojournalism.

Paparazzi pictures are big money – bigger money in staged portraits of celebrities. But here is Love doing a Lindsay Lohan and a Demi Moore by using her own camera on herself.

How can photographers and stalkers with cameras make a living if the celebrities break their own exclusives?

Love’s portrait is as good as anything Annie Leibovitz has done – and if want corporate Disney Miley Cyrus porn you can make your own with Vanessa Hudgens.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

In OK! This Week: Ashton Kutcher’s Wants Another Ashton Kutcher, Diane Kruger On Brad Pitt And Gareth Gates’ Mole

IN this week’s OK! – Ashton Kutcher’s Gift, Diane Kruger On Ironing Condoms And Gareth Gates’ Missy Mole…

Diane Kruger ‘s Laughs It Up

Diane Kruger, who stars opposite Brad Pitt in Inglorious Basterds, is in conversation with OK!:

“I’m on time even when I try not to be. I’m German. I’m responsible. I’m neat. I iron my tablecloths.”

Bing a typical German, when she’s in Mallorca she naturally irons her condoms.

Missy Ga-Ga-Gates

OK! catches up with Gareth Gates, Suzanne Mole and their daughter Missy, who was born in April and “very well behaved”.

Gareth and Suzanne are “introducing Missy to the world”, which to her eyes looks like an OK! hacks with a syrup-leaded pencil and a photographer. And there’s the sound of mum talking about Missy’s birth:

“It was so easy. We decided to go for a Caesarean… I had a new procedure called a natural section… instead of being cut open, and having the baby pulled out, they find the head first and then bring it out.”

Or your stomach. Hence “natural section”.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Shilpa Shetty Launches Goody Gracious Me Cutty Sauce Range

WHAT began as parody becomes truth as Shilpa Shetty launches her Goody Gracious Me range of curries, chutneys and pickles in honour, nay, tribute, to Jade Goody.

To begin, dishy Shilpa “will bring to market her own brand of poppadoms“.

It’s good to see that Shilpa has moved on from being called Shilpa Poppadom and used her Jade-fed fame to do good deeds and expand her career.

Big Brother watchers will recall how Jade’s “nan” was in the BB house at the time. There is more to come from multi-talented Shilpa.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Amy Winehouse Dusts Herself Off With David Gest

AMY WINEHOUSE was once famous for being a singer. But now the papers look for rats nesting in her hair and examine the contests of her nose like explorers crawling over the cave of Lascaux.

The Sun’s Gordon Smart lies in the gutter and waits for Amy to walk by. He duly brings us:

The runny nose, soaked top, burnt finger, dirty nails and general all-round mess is enough to tell me she’s up to her old tricks.

Smart by name, eh? For those of you not as smart as Mr Smart, the nose gazer is talking about drugs. But might it be swine flu, Gordon Smart? Spray from a donut? Nasal dandruff? As you were, Smarty, she’s coming back…

The Mail’s Jo Clements picks up her Davy Lamp and spots a “mystery substance up her nose”.

She had a wet stain on the front of her T-shirt, teary eyes, spotty red skin and traces of what looked like a mystery substance in her right nostril – and had to be helped to her car.

Says Amy’s spokesperson:

“Amy just went out to dinner with her friend Kristian [Marr], it’s as simple as that. Kristian also knows David Gest and that’s why he was there.”

Anyone who’s seen Gest might suppose he was there to make Amy look better. And is a flakey as he looks…

Anorak

Posted: 20th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Beyonce And Jay Z’s Bodyguard Goes Mad In Croatia

IN Croatia, Beyonce, Jay Z and Jay Z’s bodyguard are laving an eatery in Dubrovnik when a snapper flashes them.

Jay-Z’s man uses all his expertise in crowd control and keeping his charges free of danger by lunging.

The snapper hits back by throwing his tripod at Jay Z’s muscles. And Jay Z’s hero tosses the lot into the Adriatic Sea and gives the snappers and everyone watching the finger as he makes good his escape on a floating golf cart.

This is how you calm a situation, people. You use humour.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The 10 Craziest Things About Michael Jackson Death Mania

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news -The 10 Craziest Things About Michael Jackson Death Mania. What killed Michael Jackson? What didn’t?

Michael Jackson’s 51st birthday present is not a year’s supply of Demerol nor a subscription to Cub-Scout Weekly but a burial. Thus answering the question – what do you get the man who has everything?

Michael Jackson will spend eternity in the company of Clark Gable, W.C. Fields, Red Skelton and Jean Harlow, as well as replicas of Michelangelo’s greatest works, kitch reporductions of gilded art and statues of naked boys. As in life, so in death. Sit Jackson on a Ferris Wheel with Cheetah’s remains and the Great Mausoleum at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, Calif. is home from home.

Meanwhile in the Post Jackson world, Dr Conrad Murray, is all set to be charged with manslaughter.

The Sun announces this on its front page: “Doctor to be charged with killing Jacko – Murray rap within days.”

How many days? The Mirror says within 2 weeks.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)

Vogue Cover Girl Wants Google to Help Her Sue Anonymous Blogger

ANORAK’s man in the Hollywood swamp, reports that former Vogue cover girl Liska Cohen wants Google’s help in suing a blogger who, allegedly, called her names:

A former Vogue cover model is trying drag an anonymous blogger out of the cyber-closet so she can sue him (or her).

Liska Cohen wants a court order that would force Google to reveal the
person(s) behind postings that described her as a “skank” and a “ho.”

Among the comments the blogger made were: “I would have to say the first-place award for ‘Skankiest in NYC’ would have to go to Liskula Gentile Cohen.”

The blogger went on to ridicule her as a “40 something” and “a psychotic, lying… still going to clubs at her age, skank”.

She calls the allegations malicious and un-true. Based on the photo above, The Big Cheese has his doubts… but obviously that would be for a court to decide – RR.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Drugs Death Danny Gans Owned His Own Pharmacy

ANORAK’S Man in LA reports on how the mainstream media are only now picking up on the strange death of Las Vegas showman Danny Gans:

The extent of the lax coverage of the death of Las Vegas superstar Danny Gans by the Las Vegas news media is beginning to be revealed tonight as a local television news station reports that the headliner who dropped dead in his prime of an overdose of the powerful opiate Dilaudid (aka “drugstore heroin”) was part owner of a pharmaceutical supply company.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Tunisian Angelina Jolie Stars Makes Octomum ‘Resent Herself’

OCTOMUM Nadya Suleman, she of the clown car vagina, says the birth of eight babies has “screwed up” her life.

Had only the bumpaholic tried harder and gone for nine, ten or twelve, like the Tunisian woman, of whom the Guardian reports:

A Tunisian woman in her 30s is expecting 12 babies in what her family described as an amazing miracle, but doctors have warned there is only a tiny chance that any of them will survive.

The Sun brought news of six boys and six girls, and husband who said he’d only been expecting twins.

This is the same woman known only as AF, whose duodecaplets are a lie and of whom her country’s health ministry says, she has “psychological problems and is unlikely even to be pregnant“.

But Octomum’s regrets do end there. Had only Nadya Suleman stuck with the six children she already had, she could have just got on with being an Angelina Jolie impersonator. But with Jolie unlikely to breed a litter, Octomum is shafted.

Now she “resented herself“. So bad is it that she is forced to tell Fox News just how bad it is – and on the eve of her fly-in-the-nappy TV show to boot. For shame:

“I screwed myself, I screwed up my life, I screwed up my kids’ lives…What was I thinking?”

The question is rhetorical, and Anorak’s readers who hazard the answer, “You were thinking of fame and money” will not be heard.

She adds:

“What the heck am I going to do? I have to put on this strong face, and I have to pretend like I don’t regret it. I cannot regret it now because I have them and they are here but what was I thinking?”

Hard to climb inside Octomum’s head, but you can clamber inside her clown car as she appears in Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage.

Unless you’ve ever visited a pig farm, in which case it’s no big deal…

Image: D-listed

Anorak

Posted: 19th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Michael Jackson Buried With Naked Boy And Conrad Murray’s Whereabouts Revealed

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – Conrad Murray’s hiding place revleaed and Michael gets a hole in the ground for his birthday present, when he really wanted some drugs, boys and hugs.

Before Michael Jackson is cremated atop a huge bithday cake decorated with blow torches, each held aloft by the effigy of a hungry, naked child, a few words from Dr Conrad Murray:

Dr Conrad Murray is addressing the world from a secret location in the Tora Bora Mountain theme park, Michigan.

When Michael Jackson fan Osama bin Laden went missing, he too addressed the world from a secret location. Agents waging the War on Terror studied the tapes for clues. The rock structure, the way his beard fluttered, the advert for Bill’s Trucks And Ass Body Shoppe reflected in his eyes – all clues to his whereabouts.

Now Dr Conrad Murray is speaking from a secret hideout. And the clues to where he is are everywhere:

Clue: In the course of his address he blinks three times. Three is the official number of North Dakota.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Michael Jackson’s Magic Book Of Memories Published

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – Press release of the day: could a new book have saved Michael Jackson who is already, er, dead:

Hard to beat the opportunism of ‘LA with Door2Tour.com’s‘ Jackson deals, but Caryl Westmore and her PRs might have trumped it:

PR News: “Michael Jackson: Could This Book By Caryl Westmore Have Saved Him?”

Caryl Westmore, author of a new book on emotional healing You Can Break-Free Fast™, believes Michael Jackson’s life could have been “saved” if only he had had a chance to heal his damaged childhood because, as she proves with numerous cases studies in her book, intense or traumatic memories from childhood can sabotage Adult life and lead to addictions, negative beliefs, insomnia, unhappiness and pain.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Amy Winehouse Upstages Fern Britton On Strictly Come Dancing

IT’S reality TV season and news that the BBC is trying to lure dieter Fern Britton to dance on Strictly Come Dancing.

As the Mirror says:

“BEEB LAUNCH BID TO LURE BRITTON ON TO STRICTLY”

Time for a game, then, Anorak readers. What would you us to lure Fern Britton to a TV studio?

a) Biscuits
b) Chicken madras and stuffed nan
c) Chocolate-coated Ryvita
d) Kiwi lothario Brendan Cole
e) Terry Waite’s urine

The answer is… d. Yes, the waxy Cole “has been offered as her Strictly dance partner”.

And lest you be unimpressed that a TV presenter who is no longer presenting should want to appear on the BBC, the Mirror trills:

A studio source said: “Fern is a major coup.

“Producers have been wooing her for some time but it is only in the last few days talks have really progressed. Brendan was lined-up to dance with Jo Wood but now bosses have offered him to Fern as bait. Fern is bound to get lots of attention and they believe he’s the guy most equipped to handle it.”

Anorak

Posted: 19th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Peter Andre Heads Home To Australia

LOOK out girls and gonads, Peter Andre is heading back into the ITV jungle studio, where the first laid hands on Katie Price.

The Star says:

“PETER Andre will make a sensational return to the I’m A Celebrity jungle to bury the ghosts of his past… He is determined that the jaunt Down Under will help mend his broken heart.”

Is this the same Peter Andre who has moved on? A source looks to set things straight:

“It’s going to be a ratings winner. The public loves Peter and they’d love nothing more than to see him back in the jungle.”

Indeed, sending Peter Andre back to a small brightly lit clearing in Australia is high on many music fans’ wish list. If we can achieve it with love, then let us do so. Peter, we love you. We really love you. We also love Noel Edmonds, Anthea Turner as we once loved Victoria Beckham and Madonna. Love is about letting go, Pete. That’s real love.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Peter Andre And Sophie Chaudhary’s “Electric Sexual Chemistry”

PETER Andre may sound like a walking bereavement card, but his post-Katie Price life is now enlightened by one Sophie Chaudhary who claims to share an “electric sexual chemistry” with the neon-hued pop acorn.

So says the Sun in “Beauty’s ‘spark’ with Pete.”

Sophie met Sentimental Peter at the Indian film awards ceremony in June, and “lusted after him”.

And as if by magick:

Meanwhile, photos have emerged of the actress looking stunning in a series of provocative shots of her in skimpy underwear.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Angie Everhart Introduces Baby Kayden And Magic Breasts

IN this week’s Hello!, Angie Everhart has given birth to a son. He’s called Kayden Bobby Everhart and she’d like to introduce us to him, and he to we. Says Angie Everhart:

“Kayden’s hair it brown like his dad’s.”

We look. It is. His hair is brown. Dad isn’t around just now, so we’re to take Angie’s word for his hair being brown, also. To make up for no sign of dad and dad’s hair, we learn that Angie knows Prince Andrew and Prince Albert of Monaco, neither of whom are there. She’s been “linked to” Sly Stallone and Joe Pesci, and they too are not there.

Angie’s mum is there. But before we meet her, Angie wants to relive the pregnancy. So Angie, how did you know you were up the duff?

“My boobs told me!”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Madonna And Children’s Italian Renaissance

TO Italy, where Madonna is making her 51st birthday with a family get-together on a boat.

Madge wears an outfit of long shorts and sleeveless top, making her look as street as any Victorian in a bathing costume.

Madge and children  are travelling on a boat to Dolce & Gabbana’s home in Italy. Next year you’ll all be wearing apple catchers on the beach.

But why is Madonna covering up. Given the veiny arms, we are left wondering what the greater Madonna looks like. Some say her veins mirror a map of the Venice canal system, which ridges of dry skin for bridges and the dome of the Santa Maria della Salute formed by a tanned ganglion. Others say the veins are lay lines that offer directional aides to her young lover.

In her arms was her own personal Jesus, who thanks to Madonna’s riches didn’t have to cut a fish into a gazillion pieces but was just required to show the kids how to take a photo of the watching paps.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Robbie Williams Has Celebrity Swine Flu

CELEBRITY Swine Flu – Robbie Williams catches the Swine Flu…

The Daily Express brings news of Robbie Williams and the flu that everyone whose anyone’s got:

The Angels hitmaker worried fans by posting a blog on his website telling them he may have contracted the potentially deadly virus and was seeking medical advice.

He wrote, “Off to the doctors to confirm if I have pig (flu) or not.”

The doctors. Poor, Robbie Williams. The rest of us need not be left hanging. A simple call to the swine flu hotline – a few questions: You proper poorly? On a scale of 1 to 10 how proper poorly are yer? Do you roll about in your own faeces and snuffle a lot? – and we know that we have the swine flu.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Michael Jackson’s Doctor Murray Linked To James Brown’s Death

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – did Michael Jackson’s doctor “KILL” James Brown?”

So asks the National Enquirer on its front page. There can be no easy answer, just more question:

Q: Was James Brown murdered?

Q: Given that Michael Jackson was treated by a around 56% of the US medical profession, the odds of a doctors also having treated the Godfather of Soul are high.

Q: Michael Jackson is dead?

Reading on, and we are fed the name Dr Conrad Murray, a man who has had his name sullied in the media and yet who remains innocent of any wrongdoing because – get this – there is not a shred of evidence that he has done anything wrong.

Says a Brown’s ex-publicist James Hollander:

“James and Michael we inseparable and they used the same ‘safe doctors’ who get them anything they wanted.”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Kirstie Alley Dies on August 18 2013, Says Life And Death Calculator

IN this week’s celebrity death watch the National Enquirer says Kirstie Alley has “ONLY 4 YEARS TO LIVE”.

Kirstie Alley dies on August 18 2013? That should give her plenty of impetus to lose that weight again and save the pall bearers having to put in the hard yards in the gym.

On the other hand, don’t dig a hole – just toss Alley to the floor and let nature and gravity suck her down.

The date of Kirtie Alley’s death is supplied by one Dar Patrick Wannis, a “human behaviour expert” from Miami Beach, who says that the actress is playing “Russian roulette with her life”.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Hate Each Other

DID you know that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie “really HATE each other”?

You do now because the National Enquirer tells us so on its front page.

“Feuding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were unable to conceal their hatred for each other” at the Hollywood premiere of his latest movie.”

We know this not because Brad Pitt says he loves his lover but because Dr Lillian Glass – “top body language expert” – has studied photos of the couple and can now tell all:

“This says it all about how far this couple has grown apart.”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (12)

Kerry Katona Frozen To Death

SEEN snorting her pi-polar medication. Anthrax/“cocaine”/Tamiflu/ dust, Kate Moss lookalike Kerry Katona has lost her job as the face of Iceland supermarkets.

The Sun says Kerry Katona was “secretly filmed sniffing coke” – filmed by a hidden camera in her en suite bathroom.

The mother of four had her £250,000-a-year contract torn up by horrified bosses who feared a backlash from customers.

But was it cocaine? There is no proof that it was. All we have is images of a media hungry jobbing celeb starring in a cheap video. The media laps it up. Loadsa PR for the price of rolled up £20 note and a line of crushed ice.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Katie Price Kidnapped On Twitter And Peter Andre Does Stand Up

KATIE Price and Peter Andre Divorce – Katie Price kidnap terror, Peter Andre is a comedy genius, Jordan is dead and Katie beats Peter in Twitter poll…

Last night sentimental Peter Andre appeared on ITV2 in Peter Andre: Going It Alone and showed us that he is almost never alone. Peter spent most of the show touching his face, hugging anyone with reach, finding his niche in the Ikea bedding department and looking like an ambulatory bereavement card.

So alone is Pete that he spent only marginally more time on camera than his manager Claire Powell, who affected an air of a middle aged Claire Rayner, the media’s former favourite agony aunt, albeit less likeable, informed, interesting and charming.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Paris Hilton Writes The Great American Tweet

Is Paris Hilton the reason for Twitter?

ACCORDING to US market research firm Pear Analytics four of every ten messages on Twitter 40% are “pointless babble.”

Anorak conducted its own investigation and began by looking at Paris Hilton’s tweets.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Chloe Madeley Is Charged In Hampstead

CHLOE Madeley, daughter to TV’s Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan’s – of Richard & Judy’s Wine Club – has been charged with drink driving after her Peugeot 206 was found overturned Meadway Close, Golders Green, close to her mum and dad’s house.

Madeley! Chaaaaarge!

At the scene was no sign of Chloe. She’d either not been driving the car or gone. No breathalyzer nor drugs swab at the scene – earlier in the year Chloe was pictured puffing on a bong.

You roll a spliff. You roll a car. Cannabis is a gateway drug. All alleged, in innocent Chloe’s case, of course.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Katy Perry’s God-Given Big Breasts, In Pictures

KATY Perry is the wishy-washy popstar who if she were British would be on the team that commissions shows for BBC3, valued for her edgy input and lipstick lesbianism. Perry was brought up a Christian – her parents had a ministry – so she’d also do a stint on Songs of Praise and the Antiques Road Show, wooing the yoof market.

Katy Perry is safe – she will say just enough to may a few prudes call her a “caution” and not enough to be genuinely alluring or outrageous. Says she:

“I remember really vividly kneeling by my bed as a nine-year-old, saying my prayers and asking God to give me boobs that were so big that if I laid on my back I wouldn’t be able to see my feet. Eventually that request was granted.”

Anorak

Posted: 17th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment