‘Raped’ Michael Jackson Was Castrated And Mark Lester Fathered Paris Jackson

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – Mark Lester is Paris Jackson’s dad, and Jacko castration drugs…

News Of The World: “I’M JACKSON’S GIRL REAL DAD”

Oliver film star Mark’s amazing baby confession.

It’s Mark Lester. He’s god father to all of Jackson’s three children. He says he’s Paris Jackson’s sperm daddy. Girl for sale… Girl for sale…

Says Mark:

“It’s been a secret for so long. In 1996 Michael asked me if I would give him my sperm and I said yes. It was a gift to him, no money was paid, it was something I was honoured to do. He wanted children so badly…”

Don’t bother to wrap the gift. No need for a card. Sperm is the perfect emergency present for brithdays, weddings, Bar Mitzvah’s and more!

“With Michael’s mother Katherine now their legal guardian it’s like the kids are being isolated. Up until Michael’s memorial I was in touch with them on a weekly basis…

“This isn’t what Michael would have wanted. I feel I have to come forward, as my only way of saying, ‘Please don’t shut me out!'”

Anorak

Posted: 9th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (21)

Prince Charles Mey Highland Games Upskirt

PRINCE Charles is entertained at Mey Highland games in Caithness, which also doubles as the country’s fit open air pole dancing point to point.

Go on, Chas, show us what’s under you skirts.

Och, aye the nude…

Anorak

Posted: 8th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Michael Jackson Brain Pictures

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news -Jackson’s brain, the $100m corpse, mental illness and no nose…

THE big Wacko-ed Jacko news is that singer has had his brain reunited with his body. The brain has been washed, scrubbed and interrogated by the Peado Police. It will soon be rolled up and smoked by his fans to recapture the essence of the man.

First the news, as told by the caring Daily Mirror:

“Michael Jackson gets his brain back – paving the way for his funeral”

It turns out that Jackson’s mind was troubled. Yeah, who knew?

A coroner’s source yesterday said an autopsy on the 50-year-old’s body found widespread skin discolouration of chest, hands, back and genitals. It is believed this was a result of Jacko spilling a skin bleaching agent on himself while trying to compensate for the effects of vitiligo, a pigment disorder that causes discoloured patches.

The Mirror interrupts this update on the Jackson remains to show ambulatory opinion Ruby Wax advertising mental health disease.

Touching stuff.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (21)

Fans ‘Killed’ In The Beatles Abbey Road Anniversary

IT’S 40 years ago since The Beatles crossed Abbey Road in St John’s Wood, a selfish move that created the area’s traffic problems of today.

Old Mr Anorak’s mother, the Dowager Anorak, lives in a serviced apartment block in the area. She took it upon herself to lean the Japanese for “What time is Tenko on?”, it being her way to alert the legion of Japanese tourists stood in the middle of the road to the perils of spending too long in the past.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Dignified Peter Andre Says Katie Price Is Disgusting

THE Sun has news form Peter Andre that his estranged wife is disguisting. Says the front-page screamer:  “JORDAN IS DISGUSTING.”

It’s Pete The Good, the media’s antithesis to Katie Price the Bad, telling Sun readers that his estranged wife is “Disgusting”. This follows Peter calling Katie “cheap“. It’s Peter The Good who told on the subject of his kids:

I’m aware that at some stage they’ll want to go on the internet, read what happened, and see what was said, and I don’t want them to read anything bad their dad has said about their mum.

Now Peter Andre has more to say:

SHOCKED PETER ANDRE last night accused JORDAN of dealing him “the lowest blow ever” when she let their four-year-old son see her in bed with her new lover. Singer Pete, 36, branded his ex “disgusting” as he told how Junior asked him why Mummy was in bed with another man.

Gordon Smart has the dirt. And in keeping with Rupert Murdoch’s statement that his titles will not publish all their contents for free on the web, readers are invited “To read this exclusive interview in full buy today’s Sun newspaper.”

Don’t bother.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)

Sex And The City Star Wins Child At Adoption Fair

A SEX And the City star has adopted a child at something called an adoption fair. First one to throw up on the Tea Cups wins Sarah Jessica Parker.

Anorak’s Man in the Hollywood Swamp has more:

And to think, geeky gay guy Stanford Blatch used to be The Pack’s favorite recurring character on TV’s Sex and the City.

The actor who played him, Willie Garson, just adopted an 8-year-old son named Nathan.

That’s a good thing.

But see if you draw the same conclusion The Big Cheese drew after reading a couple of Garson’s comments about the adoption fair where the two first met:

“It’s like a pet fair — as horrifying as you can imagine. It was really hard. The 16-year-old fat ugly kid, who has probably been to thirty of these, knows he’s not going to get adopted. Like everything else, cute wins.”

Anorak

Posted: 8th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Jude Law’s Samantha Burke Sweet Underwear Pictures

SAMANTHA Burke is the model/actress, former hooters waitress (“with her fun bags on display“), expecting actor Jude Law’s baby, Sophia Law, the one who called a press conference to tell the assembled hacks:

“I just wish that everyone could respect my privacy during this time. Thank you”

These are pictures, self-portraits, of Samantha Burke placed on the internet. The pictures show Burke’s expanding tum-tum.

But we will not say anyone lest we invade her privacy. Indeed, Burke is so demure that she shuns the paprazzi and resorts to taking pictures of herself in states of undress.

The parents of 24-year old Samantha have apparently described their daughter as a very sweet girl:

Burke is “a very sweet girl who didn’t flaunt her looks and guys tended to keep their distance“

Honk! Honk!

Gallery:

Anorak

Posted: 7th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Michael Jackson Buried in Las Vegas

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news- Jackson burined in Las Vegas, La Toya has 100 news songs, malware, the Stasi, benzodiazepines and Miley Cyrus is dead…

CelebBuzz: “Neverland Ranch: Moving to Las Vegas?”

E! Online reports that plans are underway to move Michael Jackson’s former home, Neverland Ranch, from Santa Barbara, California, to Las Vegas so that it can become Sin City’s newest tourist attraction… adding a museum, theater, and a burial plot where fans could pay their respects to the fallen King of Pop.

Attractions include the Nosorium, the Moonwalk – a moving pavement taking less mobile Americans through Jackson’s life all the way to the burial slab which lights up as you touch it and at midnight opens to start the Werewolf Show.

“The idea is to take physically everything that’s not part of the dirt and reassemble it in Las Vegas,” a source reveals.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Jack Tweed Fights Booze By Opening A Bar

JACK Tweed is in conversation with the 3am girls, the Daily Mirror’s harpies.

The story so far: having pledged his undying love to Jade Goody, Tweed has been spending the time waiting to once more be in her arms by shagging and drinking and clubbing and kebabing – generally behaving like,well, Jade.

But Jack puts it all down to too much alcohol.

Don’t blame them. You’d need a few stiff ones before you got into a clinch with Our Jack. But it’s not just the ladies who are taking Crotch Courage.

As we put a comforting arm around him, Jack confessed: “It was stupid and I regret it. I need help before my drinking gets out of control. I turn to alcohol to hide the pain of losing Jade.

“When you drink you forget about the pain. I think about Jade non-stop…”

Thinks? He thinks? He thinks all the time. He was thinking about Jade as she climbed aboard Lisa O’Connor? What was he thinking – “I wish Jade had had an arse like yours”?

Anorak

Posted: 7th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Big Brother: Victoria Beckham Lookalike Chanelle Hayes Overdoses

BIG Brother 10: Rodrigo is British, Chanelle Hayes overdoses, Marcus adopts Miley Cyrus asnd Madeleine McCann…

The Sun: “Rodrigo gets his royal wish”

THE Sun continues to feature Big Brother 10 as its lead online story. And news is that Rodrigo has fulfilled his “lifelong dream” and written a letter to Her Majesty Queen.

Big Brother handed Rodrigo a chalk board and chalk and gave him half an hour to write his letter.

How long can it take for the Brazilian write “DIE!” – though, granted, folding the blackboard into the envelope is tricky.

Of course, Rodrigo made NO threat to Her Majesty. Really. Ooer, too late. Call off the police. Rodrigo, run. Run. Mind the gap!

Anorak

Posted: 7th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Hollywood’s Home Alone John Hughes Dies

JOHN Hughes has died. Who he? Anork’s Man in La looks at the life of a man who was a force behind the Hollywood glitz:

Now John Hughes, the mysterious Chicago-based filmmaking auteur of a very midwestern brand of classic comedy (from writing National Lampoon’s Vacation to writing and producing Home Alone to writing and directing Ferris Bueller’s Day Off), has dropped dead at 59.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Pictures From Inside Michael Jackson’s Mansion Of Death

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – the blood-soaked shirt; the Jackson death bed and pictures inside the Jackson “death mansion”…

The Sun: “‘Bloodied’ shirt in Jacko’s wardrobe”

Having shown us around the morgue, and bounced on the singer’s death bed, fans of Jackson armchair theatre not get:

A WOMEN’S blouse appearing to be stained with blood hangs in Michael Jackson’s wardrobe – sparking a new mystery over the superstar’s death.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)

Susan Boyle’s Harper’s Bazaar Interview In Pictures And Video

SOURCES tell us that when confronted with the mighty talent that is Susan Boyle, Michael Jackson knew the game was up.

When Jackson gamely stepped aside, Susan Boyle became the world’s foremost entertainer. And now in Susan Boyle, Unsung Hero she gives her first “major magazine interview” to Harper’s Bizarre Bazaar.

Susan Boyle is at Cliveden, resisting the urge to pose in the manner of Christine Keeler, preferring to remain dressed in new clothes, her face painted and her back resting against the chair support. Boyle is styled to look regal. Says Boyle:

“It does feel unreal. It will take a bit of adjusting to because I’ve led a sheltered life, I know. I’ve got life experience, but mentally I have to adjust. But it’s all good. All good.”

Anorak

Posted: 5th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (13)

Jack Tweed Launches Dice Glamour Modelling

MISSION impossible to turn Jack Tweed, Mr Jade Goody, into a person of interest continues apace as ex-lag partakes in “NAKED frolics and a game of STRIP POKER.”

That Tweed did so in the privacy of his house is his first error. The rules of tabloid dictate that first Tweed must be seen getting to know the women in an Essex club before falling into a taxi, as the gels tumble from their clothes.

The Sun takes up the nettle and bills Tweed as a “club promoter”. The club Tweed seems to be promoting is Faces, the Essex haunt to snapper and slapper. And having introduced us earlier to mo-del Lisa O’Connor, Jack now showcases the talents of:

Sam Grierson – aka “SEXY Sam Grierson… winner of the Miss Middlesbrough title” and knicker model
Roxy Townsend – another mo-del
Biannca Lake – a former stripper and mo-del

Tweed is becoming a conduit to glamour modelling, and more. As the Daily Star trills:

Blonde bombshell Roxy, of Hertford, says she and brunette pals Sam Grierson, 21, and Biannca Lake, 22, have formed a girl group called Dice – and have been picking playboy Jack’s brain over the pitfalls of fame.

Picking Jack’s brains must be like a fairground Grab It Machine, the picker hoping that after repeated attempts at working the bendy arm something other than air can be retrieved.

Back in the Sun:

After being seen snogging him, Sam said she was just his cousin… Later a source close to the girls said they had been told by Jack’s agent to say Sam was a cousin “to put Jack in the clear”.

Indeed, nothing like snogging your cousin to show you in better light.

Meanwhile, Jack Tweed Modelling Promoter moves on…

Anorak

Posted: 5th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

London’s Ugly Truth Permiere In Pictures

ANORAK was at last night’s premiere of The Ugly Truth’ London premiere, and we bring you the pictures of the celebrity liggers who love the film soooo much they went to see it for free.

So low on the radar are these celebs that they risk being taken for copyright pirates.

If the calibre of celebs on the soggy wet carpet is a guide to how well The Ugly Truth will do at the book office, look out for it appearing in a wicker basket outside a charity shop in the next fortnight.

Cue the Celebs:

Anorak

Posted: 5th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Gerard Butler Marries Jennifer Aniston In OK!

OK! Wednesday: Jordan comes clean, Steven Gerrard’s privacy, Patsy Kensit’s latest husband, Cheryl’s Cole weight secrets and Gerard Butler marries Jennifer Aniston…

Jordan Is No Longer Off Men

One week on from telling OK! readers that she is “off men”, Jordan tells OK! readers:

“I’m dating Alex but I’m no cheat.”

As ever this is billed as a “WORLD EXCLUSIVE”, and it will be news to those OK! readers who haven’t read the tabloids the past week or more in which Katie Price has been spotted with her new lover.

In Katie’s “DEAR JORDAN” agony aunt page, the aid to masturbation says:

“Everyone I get photographed with at the moment I’m supposedly sleeping with! But I can confirm I’m seeing Alex Reid and no one else.”

So she wasn’t lying when she said she was “off men”. She is “off men”, but “on man”.

Gerard Butler – “The HUNKY ACTOR OPENS UP ABOUT GOOD DATES, BAD DATES AND HIS FAVOURITE BIT OF WOMAN”

Anorak

Posted: 5th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Michael Jackson’s New Single

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – Jackson film, Jackson XBox, lighters, Jackon’s new single and Chris Brown is the new Michael Jackson…

Daily Mirror: “Michael Jackson insurers thought glowing medical examination for tour must have been on ‘the body of a Nasa astronaut’”

The media introduces another doctor into the fray:

Dr David Slavit’s examination results were handed to the insurers of Jackson’s planned 50 O2 concerts. But officials were surprised Jackson passed the medical, despite a history of health problems. It left finance chiefs joking that the examination must have been based on, “the body of a Nasa astronaut” rather than the 50-year-old star…

Buzz Aldrin is fighting fit.

Meanwhile, Anorak in-house doctor can reveal: “Michael Jackson was not well when he died!”

SF Gate: “Deals could bring more Jackson products”

Michael Jackson products could start appearing on store shelves, cell phones, even in X-Box add-ons if a judge signs off on a merchandising deal. The current administrators of the singer’s estate have presented several proposed contracts to a probate judge for approval. The agreements offer a taste of how the King of Pop may be sold in the coming months and years.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Black Supermodel Naomi Dies

NAOMI Sims was the world’s first black supermodel. She died last week.

In November of 1968, Ms. Sims became the first black woman to appear on the cover of Ladies’ Home Journal. It would be the first time a black woman appeared prominently in a mainstream woman’s publication. Ms. Sims followed up the cover with another on Life in 1969 and Cosmopolitan in 1973. Both photos currently appear in the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Model As Muse exhibition.

The other black supermodel called Naomi – Naomi Campbell – is alive and kicking, allegedly. She’s accused of attacking a photographer with her purse.

“I managed to avoid her – but her nails still got my eye,” photographer Gaetano Di Giovanni told Italian newspaper Republica. “For a few seconds I could not see a thing. I could hear that her bodyguards and her boyfriend were trying to drag her away.”

Campbell denies the allegation.

The good news is that unlike Naomi Sims, Cambell’s story need make no mention of her colour…

Anorak

Posted: 5th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Mischa Barton’s Great Escape

MISCHA Barton, dresses like a woman recovering from a breakdown. She wore this creation to the Cooper Square Hotel for the – oh, irony of ironies – Carrera Summer Escape.

Barton should be left alone. But the New York Post says Barton was spotted “having a disastrous dinner” with a group of girls at Sant Ambroeus in the West Village.

“She was upset and talking frantically into her phone about having a stalker. Her friends were trying to console her, but she went outside and chain-smoked cigarettes.”

Anorak

Posted: 4th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Peter Andre’s Video To Behind Closed Doors

PETER Andre, aka Sentimental Peter, aka Pete The Good, aka Dignified Pete, is hereunder featured in the video for his new song Behind Closed Doors, his first release since leaving Katie Price.

It sounds like those songs played over the closing credits to a straight-to-Betamax 1980s’ film, like Homework, in which Joan Collins is a mum seducing her sons friends, or Gymkata, featuring Kurt Thomas as the epitomising “The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate.”

The conclusion must be that what goes on behind closed doors should stay there – or else wait for an agent to secure a good fly-in-the-soap TV show and then edit it to make you look interesting, perhaps by fixing you up with a strident glamour model…

Spotter: Pop Sugar

Anorak

Posted: 4th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)

Jackie Brambles’ Loose Women Leaving Do, In Pictures

ANORAK was rattling a jar of Sanatogen to the beat of Jackie Brambles Loose Women leaving do at Zebrano in Soho.

For those of you not au fair with Loose Women, it’s a daytime telly show that captures the magick of listening to a group of bitchy out patients reading Closer magazine aloud.

Loose Women explains why men are necessary, and not only to good TV.

The moaning and phwoarring are underplayed by a faint whiff of bullying of the more buxom panellists, a role once filled and then some by Kerry Katona (I was an Atomic Kitten; I was married to someone more famous than me; I was overweight. now I’m thinner. I was once fatter… etc) and now occupied by Coleen Nolan (I was a Nolan; I was married to someone more famous than me; I was overweight. now I’m thinner. I was once fatter… etc.).

Brambles is well out of it. Here are the pictures of the Loser women at play. For one night only a part of Soho is transformed into a Saga holidays Faliraki brochure…

Pictures:

Anorak

Posted: 4th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jennifer Aniston Is Pregant, Mel Gibson’s Hair Plugs And Michael Jackson’s Drugs Runner

NATIONAL Enquirer Tuesday: Angelina Jolie “explodes”, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant, Mel Gibson’s “hair plugs” and Michael Jackson’s drugs runner…

ANGELINA Jolie “EXPLODES”.

And the National Enquirer asks readers:

“Is Jennifer [Aniston] having your baby?”

This question might be pertinent. Over the past five years, Aniston’s womb has been the subject of much speculation in the Enquirer, it being possibly impregnated by a host of actors whose names are too long to list here.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

The Kerrang Awards With Slipknot, In Pictures

AT the Kerrang! Awards, the big challenge is how monsters of rock can collect a gong shaped into huge capital K from a magazine run by The Man and still look cool.

Corey Taylor of Slipknot is picured with their two awards for Best Live Band and Best International Band at the Kerrang! Awards, at the Brewery, London.

The Tongue:

Anorak

Posted: 4th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Mr Katie Price, Peter Andre, ‘Never Liked Jordan’

SENTIMENTAL Peter Andre is on the cover of heat magazine, his hair un-gelled, his chest un-oranged and bared, and news that “I NEVER liked Jordan” and that Pete is set to “REVEAL ALL”.

This is Peter the Good, the simpering media antithesis to Katie Price The Bad.

The magazine’s Kay Ribeiro tells us that Katie has given interviews on the telly, talked to a magazine and appeared in “barely-there clothes”; Pete has maintained a “dignified silence” – which you can read about in the News of the World magazine, see on This Morning and feel in his lyrics to his new album.

Now Pete has, er, “finally decided to speak out”.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Michael Jackson’s Body Bag And Morgue Pictures

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – a look at Jackson’s morgue, Debbie Rowe “sues” TMZ and art…

Sky News: “Jackson Body Given ‘Prestige’ At Morgue”

An investigator who witnessed Michael Jackson’s post-mortem has told Sky News his body was treated with “more prestige” than other bodies.

The cashmere body bag? The monwalking morticians? The testimony of one Lieutenant David Smith, who delivers his Jackson & Me:

“If anything, just for his own privacy and protection. He was kept very much under lock and key.”

Anorak

Posted: 4th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)