Cristiano Ronaldo ‘Too Gay’ For Paris Hilton

MORE news on Winky & Wonky, as we learn that Hilton did not date Cristiano Ronaldo because he is “TOO GAY”.

So says the Star, which offers a handy guide to any other stars and men who want to dodge the home movie porn star. Readers learn:

Paris enjoyed a sizzling romp with the £80million Portuguese ace in Los Angeles nightspot MyHouse as he celebrated his transfer from Manchester United.

Romp is tabloidese for sitting on a banquette talking. Full on sex is sharing a taxi. An orgy is dining in the same restaurant.

A Hollywood source said: “She likes her guys to be macho and as far as she’s concerned Ronaldo turned out to be a real cissy. Paris likes her men rugged, it’s as simple as that.

“She thought her friends would laugh at her if she dated a guy who walks around with flowers in his hair.”

Anorak

Posted: 24th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Katie Price Twitters Her Twat To Tiny Peter Andre

PETER Andre and Jordan Watch: Katie Price is back in the UK, Jordan calls Pete a c*** and becomes a tiny role model…

Daily Mirror (front pages): “WARNING: THIS WOMAN IS BACK IN BRITAIN”

Can’t Katie Price be added to the list of undesirables?

The Sun: “The Twitter batter of Tiny Pete”

More than 196,000 fans have signed up to read Price’s Twitter comments. Who knew there were so many journalists – but that’s blogging for you.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (15)

Rihanna To Play Wonder Woman

RIHANNA’S lover Chris Brown has been sent to mingle with the Celebrity Police Force for six months, and  the good people at Michele Marie PR notice something about Rihanna. No, not the bruises and the discomfort but the gems:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Rihanna’s Court Style

LOS ANGELES – June 22, 2009 – While attending the Chris Brown preliminary hearing, Rihanna wore a vintage [redacted] yellow gold and diamond bracelet watch (Retail price, $8,500) and vintage [redacted] 18 karat yellow gold, ruby and diamond earrings (Retail price, $13,000), both from [redacted].

Gawker’s Cajun Boy spares the client any shame by redacting the press release in the manner of a House of Commons goon. Anorak wonders why she didn’t defend herself with it when Brown attacked. Wonder Woman, she ain’t.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Leighton Meester Sex Tape Footage

WHAT news on that 1970s-style Leighton Meester sex tape, and footage?

Well, news is that the owner of the tape, that allegedly features Gossip Girl TV star Leighton Meester, thinks its worth $1 million (US not Liberian).

For less money than that, you could get a porn starlet to undergo surgery to be a pornified Meester and make tapes by the dozen.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Perez Hilton Attacks Man For Being Gay

POLO Molina, tour manager of the Black Eyed Peas, has been arrested and charged with assault following an alleged attack on Perez Hilton. An assult in which Hilton was – get this – heard to call Peas’ singer will.i.am a “faggot“, allegedly.

Perez Hilton is so powerful he can just wait and the showbiz news comes to him.

From a gadget close to the Cobra nightclub, Toronto, Hilton gathered himself and did what anyone who had been assaulted would do: he Twittered:

“I’m in shock. I need the police ASAP.”

ASAP (America Star-spotters Assault Police) is the US version of Britain’s CPF, the Celebrity Police Force who are only ever a small shout away from a photo opportunity and autograph.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Big Brother’s Kris Donnelly Is An Actor: Video

SO depleted is the EU Celebrity Mountain, that Big Brother has been forced to look overseas for jobbing wannabes, to Page 3 and to Kris Donnelly, who it turns out is a failed actor who once appeared in a television advert for a New Zealand clothing company called Little Brother.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Big Brother: Kris Donnelly’s Sophie Reade Romance

IN heat (hate) magazine, Big Brother agonist Kris Donnelly’s best friend says that the watery Russell Brand wannabe’s stroking of Sophie Reade’s arms is “NOT A PROPER RELATIONSHIP”.

Andrew Jones, for it is he, says:

“I think Kris is lonely and likes her company.”

Insightful. Go on:

“I don’t think it’s anything more than that. It’s not a proper relationship. He’s just getting to know her – it’s a holiday romance.”

All very telling stuff. And only added to when Andrew says that Kris does not go for “glamour models”.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kerry Katona Dreams Of Beef Curries

IN “KERRY – TWO STONE IN TWO MONTHS”, heat readers get to experience the Kerry Katona diet, which takes in “scary junk food & booze binges”.

By way of a taster, the larger part of hate’s cover page is covered by Kerry Katon’s bumage, boobage and tumage. Readers can make out the Pooh bear tattoo on her backside, which should do for honey sales what Osama bin Laden did for Afghan package tours.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

The Mysterious Death Of Danny Gans

DANNY Gans, Las Vegas’s Man of Many Voices – think Joe Longthorn with success – is dead.  Anorak’s Man in LA looks at the matter:

“The Danny Gans case is still an open investigation.”

A spokesman for the Henderson, Nevada Police Department told a TabloidBaby.com producer this afternoon that the investigation into the Dilaudid overdose death of the Las Vegas strip superstar has not yet been closed, despite the “acidental” tag plaxced on Gans’ May 1st demise by the Clark County Coroner.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Adam Lambert Denies Adam Lambert

MORE shocks from the life of Adam Lambert as we reveal that his first musical release will not be a cover version of an old hit. No, Adam Lambert’s first release will be a cover version of a song that has been and never will be a hit.

Adam Lambert breaks the mould.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Seven Days With Susan Boyle

SUSAN Boyle Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Susan Boyle in the news – Seven days in the life of Susan Boyle…

Susan Boyle wows Londoners who can’t get in to see Les Miserables or Cats with a rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream” and “Memory.”

“She did really well,” says her rep, who explains why on the seventh day Boyle did not rest:

“She was still tired. With all the travelling the decision was made to have a rest until Sunday.”

Let us pray…

The Guardian: Was Séraphine Louis the original Susan Boyle?

The similarities between the Britain’s Got Talent star and the French artist in Martin Provost’s new biopic, are uncanny…

Yet while Boyle retreated to the Priory for five days, Louis spent the last decade of her life on psychiatric wards in Clermont and Villers-sous-Erquery before passing away in 1942 and being buried in a common grave, forgotten by everyone…

GayWired:

America’s Got Talent season 4 (NBC) Tuesday, June 23, 9p.m. – It might be a little difficult to top the force to reckon with that some people like to call Susan Boyle“

And other like to call Simple Susie, the Hairy Angel, Jesus Boyle, the Bearded Chuff…

California Chronicle:

Susan comes across as a genuine, innocent and lovely lady. She’d be happier living the simple life, among the people she knows and loves. This lady has a beautiful voice, it must be lovely for the locals in her home town to hear her sing in church and atconcerts.

Consistency is all:

BRITAIN’S Got Talent star Susan Boyle received a standing ovation yesterday after performing live on the talent show’s tour.

National Post: The power of Boyle

Morgan admitted it was one of the very few occasions in his life when he felt truly chastened.

“The thing I’ve learned about this show is to expect the unexpected,” Morgan said. “Nothing now ever surprises me.

“We were not expecting her to be able to sing — at all. We all thought she was going to be like all the other acts we had seen that day. What we were not expecting was that she would have this incredible voice. And we certainly had no idea that she would have this impact on the world. It was the most extraordinary thing I’ve ever witnessed…

“The great thing about Susan was she came along at a perfect time, a time when the whole world was suffering from the recession and things were down in the dumps.”

Examiner:

Susan Boyle sent us love and kisses from Wembley with her song and in return received wild approval from her audience.

Irish Herald, Marisa Mackel:

I can’t imagine how Susan Boyle’s Pebbles is coping with the fame thing, but he’s probably shouting for Whiskas’ best rather than leftovers from SuBo’s dinner. He’s probably demanding trips to the beauty parlour right now, even if his owner isn’t bothered by that kind of thing.

When I think of my life this time last year, when I spent an unhealthy amount of time taking pictures of my cat, Jagger, I begin to worry. Would I have become Ireland’s answer to Susan Boyle (without the talented singing voice of course)?

Susan Boyle is among us…

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Mickey Rourke Wants To Slap Perez Hilton’s Bottom

MICKEY Rourke wants to slap Perez Hilton’s ass. Mickey Rourke wants to spank Perez Hilton.

Perez Hilton is gay. Mickey Rouke is so-gay he feel uncomfortable wiping his own bum. Says Mickey Rourke:

“Chris Jericho, you better get in shape. Because I’m coming after your ass.”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Hunky Kris Donnelly Romps With Sophie Reade

IF this series of Big Brother proves one thing it is that British celebrity talent needs paparazzi and PR to make it shine.

Get this from the Sun:

LOVEBIRDS Kris Donnelly and Sophie Reade look snap happy in this pic on the BB sofa. It was taken with disposable cameras housemates bought with their shop budget.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Prince William’s Tampon Tennis

PRINCE William and gelfriend Kate Middleton are holidaying under the names Mr and Mrs Smith. This, says the Sun, is to ensure that when they arrived with their armed escorts, drivers, valets, maids and facilitators they blend in with the hotel’s staff.

That’s Wills stood by that ginger lad in the baseball cap and his braying chums playing rugger on the sands in readiness for war in Iraq.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (18)

Katie Price Is Patron Of Duke’s Polo Event

BY now you’ll be wondering what Katie Price has been up to. Well, it’s turns out that Jordan’s become a patron of a polo tournament, the Duke of Essex Polo Trophy, featuring a huge shiny, oversized, tin-foil cup, and a trophy.

The Essex Cup features British and Argentinean teams competing against each other in the grounds of the Gaynes Park Estate, near Epping.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

Katie Price Is Dead And Peter Andre Weeps

KATIE Price is dead and Jordan rises from the dusty rack of the clothes at the back of the cupboard, resurrected like a zombie that thanks to lashing of silicon, collagen and wood stain will never age. She remains impervious – and impermeable – to change.

So who does the press cover this waking of the dead?

Sun (front page): “Jordan’s mum: Pete’s a cry baby”

Beside a picture of Jordan’s smiling mum, Amy, readers learn:

But Amy, 56, sneered: “He wanted this divorce, he instigated it, and he got what he wanted. So why is he upset? He’s crying. That’s normal, he’s emotional.” She added: “Katie’s fine.”

Peter Andre “normal”, says Jordan mum!

What about the Star, can it imptove the narrative?

Daily Star: “Jordan club attack terror”

Having survived a threat to be cut up by Jordan, Jessica Brown continues to track the most evil woman on the face of the Earth:

Hate-figure Jordan came under attack yesterday by a gang of drunken clubbers who screamed at her: “We love Pete!”

Given that Jordan is pictured looking like a copper-finished, fossilised version of Rachel Welch in One Million Years BC, that headline club promised much.

And the new man in her life – hunky Anthony Lowther, 28 – dressed as Tarzan to show off his bulging muscles.

The attention-seeking couple caused a storm in the Boho club – finding themselves the target of ridicule.

One girl started singing: “Who let the dogs out?” and another shouted within earshot of Jordan: “Ain’t you a bit old to be in that swimsuit, love?”

Revenge is dish best served in print, with quotes gleaned from anonymous sources.

What about this news man, Andrew Lowther, he of the bulbous chests and Tango-toned skin?

Daily Mirror: “Jordan’s latest guy Anthony Lowther tells about holiday affair and hard partying”
Tom Bryant tells us:

Speaking at 4am from the BoHo club in San Antonio, 28-year-old model Anthony said: Were having great time together. I really love her, shes a very sexy girl. Everyone’s saying were boyfriend and girlfriend but were just having a bit of fun.

So the man with the excitable hair and the hairless and braless chests is not her boyfriend?

As the Sun’s glassy-eyed Alex West says:

JORDAN’S hunky new fella spoke for the first time about their holiday fling yesterday and admitted: “She’s really sexy.”

But 6ft 2in Anthony Lowther – dressed as a CAVEMAN for a wild club night out – said he found it “scary” to be described as the busty glamour girl’s boyfriend.

Over in the Mail, the mood is of deep shame and disgust:

Daily Mail:

“She needn’t have bothered with her cover-up, which was hardly suitable for a day out. The loosely crocheted shawl hid nothing from view, as attention-seeking Katie probably intended.”

See pictures of Jordan, which allow Mail readers to be disgusted in the privacy of their own loos. See pictures of Jordan everywhere.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (6)

VV Brown Proves Manmade Climate Change Is Real

TO prove that manmade climate change is real, celebrities at a music festival –  populated by people arriving by cars and camper vans, who live in plastic tents and cook on gas burners – will be painting their faces blue.

Says the Guardian:

Celebrities including Jarvis Cocker and VV Brown will be sporting a startling look at Glastonbury as part of Oxfam’s Here and Now climate change campaign

VV Brown:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 21st, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Video Of Morrissey Hit With Beer Walking Off Stage

AT a Morrissey concert in Oslo, while everyone was looking at their shoes a fan in the crowd lobbed beer at the arch miserbilist.

Morrissey stopped the concert. He asked if someone could point the beer chucker.

Everyone waited. Before too long a man was pushed forward and the band played on. And everyone had a very depressing time:

Spotter

Anorak

Posted: 21st, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Peaches Geldof Studies Scientology

NEWS reaches us that try-hard rebel Peaches Geldof – the girl who turned up a swinger’s club and found her mum and dad handing out towels – has been studying Scientology for nine months.

The Sunday Mirror’s Dean Piper is excited and says:

The patience of Sir Bob Geldof is set to be tested once more, as I can reveal his daughter Peaches is far more into her Scientology studies than anyone realised. You have to wonder whether Bob will finally be pushed over the edge by her latest antics researching the mysterious faith.

This would be pop star Bob Geldof, the man who squired and bred with wildchild TV presenter Paula Yates, the man who called his daughter Peaches, the man who can be seen about town dressed as aged Zippo clown? He would be outraged by his daughter sitting in a church?

After all, he has remained tight-lipped over her past run-ins with cops, her rumoured drug overdose and her Las Vegas marriage to rocker Max Drummey.

How hard Peaches Geldof tries to look edgy and interesting. And hwo she fails. Mum and dad are always at the party ahead of Peaches. When Peaches arrives at the cool do, mum and dad and the in crowd have already moved on to somewhere much more exclusive.

Millions of Peaches

To be different Peaches would need to do something drastic like get a proper job, say, as a nurse – but not save as many people as dad – or dye her hair blonde – but not as blonde as mum’s.

Instead of being a real rebel, pastiche Peaches trots along to the Church of Scientology centre in LA. And does exactly what’s expected of her. She studies not Islam nor Judaism not Catholicism but Scientology, the remedial religion.

Says a source:

“Peaches became sober a year ago now. And shortly after she started looking for fulfilment in life. She’d had a few crazy years learning to cope with fame and growing up and wanted to see whether she could gain anything in life from any faiths.”

Are you still there? Peaches is learning to cope with fame by attempting against all the barriers presented by a lack of any talent to be famous.

Meanwhile, all the cool cats are studying the new religion – you know, Peaches, that one. Scientology is part of the establishment and soooo very yesterday…

Anorak

Posted: 21st, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

A Century Of Big Brother Sex

WITH nothing to reports from the Big Brother houzzzzz, the News of the World continues it serialisation of Kris Donnelly’s sex life.

In “SEX mad Kris Donnelly has a head for figures”, “blonde” Cheryl Hosking says “he was busy totting up where she came on his list of conquests.”

One may suggest other reasons for Kris’s counting as he squires Hosking, some of which may explain why he has so many women and feels less inclined to repeat his one minute and 40 seconds of passion.

Last night his ex lover revealed: “I couldn’t believe he’d been doing arithmetic in his head.”

Anorak

Posted: 21st, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Katie Price Erases Her Peter Andre Tattoo

KATIE Price has a Peter Andre tattoo. No, not an actual life-size tattoo of Peter Andre on her Jordans – just his name on her wrist.

Or at least she did have. The Mail says the tattoo might have been erased.

Katie Price was spotted wearing a mysterious bandage over a tattoo of estranged husband Peter Andre’s name today.

During a shopping trip in Ibiza town, the model popped into the Inkadelic tattoo parlour and left wearing a blue bandage over her wrist.

Katie, who split with the Aussie singer a month ago, had a tattoo of a the word ‘Pete‘ surrounded by hearts, a crown and the name ‘Princess’, after their one-year-old daughter.

Has the “Pete” tattoo has been removed, or reconfigured to say:

Anorak

Posted: 20th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Jack Tweed Meets Calum Best In His Wedding Suit

MORE news on Jack Tweed, Mr Jade Goody, and his efforts to be a jobbing celebrity. Can “TRAGIC Jade Goody’s husband Jack Tweed” keep the family business alive?

The Sun looks on and sees Jack Tweed as he “spends a boozy day at Ascot yesterday — in his WEDDING SUIT”.

Well, you never know who you’re going to meet. But Jack should resist an on-the-spot marriage and instead take things slower, or at least wait until the magazine deal has been struck.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 20th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Big Brother Sree An ‘Illegal’ Immigrant

HAVING been forced under EU regulations to import wannabes to keep the EU Celebrity Mountain topped up, Big Brother could be in trouble. It turns out that Sree Dasari, aka The Shadow, is in Britain illegally, maybe.

The Sun says that Sree, 25, is visiting from India on a student visa. What he is studying is not said but Anorak believes it to be Noirin Kelly’s back.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 20th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Cairon Evicted From Big Brother

CAIRON Austin-Hill Evicted From Big Brother.

Cairon will not be a new name that catches on, not even for pets.

It’s Kieran, isn’t it? It is, isn’t it. It’s Kieran Austin-Hill, Jimmy Hill’s long-lost song.

Anorak is right again – did you use our free bet?

Anorak

Posted: 19th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Leighton Meester Sex Tape Uncensored

THANKS to news of an uncensored sex tape – yeah, it’s Fathers’ Day (get one for dear old dad to go with the book) – Leighton Meester, star of the TV show Gossip Girl, is famous the internet over. I

We’ve received so many sex tapes that the jaded viewer requires the actress to do something new, show some real talent. And this tape is said to feature 23-year-old Leighton in a scene “involving her very talented feet.”

Meenster’s other notable claim on fame is that she was born in a jail. Her mother was serving time in a state prison in Texas for smuggling marijuana when she gave birth. She was released 16 months later and went on to raise Leighton.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)