Miley Cyrus Bikini Pictures

LEST you think picures of 16-year-old Miley Cyrus in a bikini are in any way pervy or invasive, the Sun equips its shot of the Hannah Montana star with the fact:

TEEN star MILEY CYRUS couldn’t look happier as she relaxes in a bikini — after making waves with co-star LIAM HEMSWORTH.

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Anorak

Posted: 19th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Susan Boyle Dropped From Britain’s Got Talent Tour

SUSAN Boyle Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Susan Boyle in the news – SUSAN Boyle has been dropped from the Britain’s Got Talent Tour.

In “BOYLED OVER AGAIN”, the Mirror’s Mark Jefferies, screams:

EXCLUSIVE: Susan axed from BGT show after bizarre screaming fit

The Exclusive also appears in the Sun:

SUSAN Boyle pulled out of a Britain’s Got Talent gig last night — suffering from “tiredness”.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (14)

Lindsay Lohan Cleared Over Elle Jewellery Theft

LINDSAY Lohan is not the world’s leading jewel thief, so adding another “not” to the growing list of things that Lindsay Lohan is not.

Says a spokesperson for Elle magazine, from where £400,000 of gems allegedly went missing following a fashion shoot with Lohan, who, incidentally, is not a model:

“Elle has no reason to believe that Lindsay Lohan was in any way responsible and has no further comment to make.”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Michael Jackson’s Tour Rider Calls For Disabled Children

MICHAEL Jackson is coming to London to perform and the Sun delivers the headline:

Jacko’s disabled kid hunt

Well, they are easier to catch. Or drop…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Katie Price Threatens To Knife Daily Star Journalist

KATIE Price, aka Jordan, dressed in a tinfoil bikini and a straw cowboy hat full of holes, is illustrating the Star’s front-page screamer that she did threaten to knife a Daily Star journalist:

“JORDAN’S THREAT TO KNIFE ANDRE GIRL.”

It’s a story echoed by the Mirror’s front cover:

“JORDAN: I’LL CUT YOU UP.”

If anyone knows about being cut up it’s Jordan. Jordan won’t so much slice you as whittle you into something more like her. Scalpel! Pelican knife! Plane!

Anorak

Posted: 18th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

Five More Reasons Why Katie Price And Peter Andre Split Up

FIVE more possible reasons why Peter Andre and Katie Price split up.

Now to send us boast cards from foreign climes, they’ll need two cameras crews. It’s gonna be tough.

But why did they split up? A poll of the Anorak typing pool throws up five possibilities:

1. They never became a one-name brand

2. They ran out of sexual positions

3. It’s what Jade Goody would have wanted

4. They no longer deserved each other

5. So they can fall in love all over again, renew their wedding (for the third time) and their vows

After that, there was too much wailing and weeping to go on. But for the kids, we must…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Amy Winehouse Drinks Herself Blind

WE interrupt this transmission of Amy Winehouse’s residency in a St Lucia bar to bring news of Amy Winehouse’s “concerned mother”, who has “has opened up about her daughter’s battle with addiction” on a TV show.

Says Janis Winehouse, for it is she:

“The need to rescue her is enormous. I just want her to be okay and I would do whatever it took to make that right.”

Well, talking about Amy’s condition to tabloid telly should relieve the pressure and make her want to come home.

“Amy is in denial all the time. She probably feels trapped, her body is trapping her.”

Anorak

Posted: 17th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Susan Boyle Launches Range Of Merchandise

SUSAN Boyle Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Susan Boyle in the news. Susan launches a new range of merchandise, which may say well should she well, retire undefeated…

The Frisky:

Susan Boyle is one reality TV contestant who let fame go to her head. And by that, I mean she had a breakdown as a result of the celebrity that was thrust upon her after appearing on “Britain’s Got Talent.” But she’s not alone. Paula Goodspeed committed suicide outside “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul’s home after being teased about her weak tryout. Then there’s CT from “Real World/Road Rules Challenges: The Duel 2,” who would have killed Adam in a couple fights if producers and cast members hadn’t intervened.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comment

Katie Price Tells All About Her New Man, Drugs And Biscuits

DID you know that Jordan has been “On anti-depressants all my married life”?

So says the OK! cover. Or as the Daily Star puts it:

“I had to take drugs to survive marriage to Pete.”

So did the drugs run out? And what drugs were they?

On page 128 of OK!, readers hear from Katie:

“I’ve been reading in the press about poor, tortured Katie Price, but I’m doing fine. And I’m certainly not nibbling on biscuits…”

Anorak

Posted: 17th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

Victoria Beckham Leaves Her WAG Boobs Behind Her

WHAT happens to a WAG after her husband or lover retires from football? That question to you, Victoria Beckham.

Vicky is more do than talk and has reduced what the Sun estimates to be her “Double D boobs” to a less WAGular 34 B(eckham)

Posh, 35, felt her mega chest didn’t fit in with her new role as an upmarket fashion designer and mum of three.

Whoahh! How long has showbiz reporter Richard White been in frontline leering? Posh’s chests were never “mega”, not unless they were megabits, and Day-vid was talking in rhyming slang.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)

Big Brother Bullying Makes Us Cry

CONGRATULATIONS to all of you who chose Week 3 in the Big Brother Bullying Sweepstake.

The Sun brings news that Sree is a victim of housemates’ bullying.

Sree is the one draped over Noirin like a wet flannel. Noirin, who like Sree, Rodrigo, Angel and Cairon has been imported to make up for an alarming shortfall in British wannabes (we are all celebs now, darling), may be the first person to suffocate a housemate live on British telly.

As for the bullying…

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Anorak

Posted: 17th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Britain’s Got Talent’s Britney Spears’ Benefits Stopped

THE Celebrity Police Force tuned into Britain’s Got Talent, when Leicestershire’s 73-year-old break-dancer Fred Bowers took to the stage.

Fred Bowers did a roly-poly and step back and forward like aman unsure what do to next. He was sensation. He was also claiming benefits for a leg injury. But now that payment has been suspended while the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) investigates.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

I’m A Celebrity Janice Dickinson Takes A Dump

HAVING endured the I’m A Celebrity Jungle in 2007, Janice Dickinson is now doing it in the American version.

Dickinson is an I’m A Celebrity vet. And talking of vets, if Janice were an animal she’d be in need of a vet to grease up the arm and dive in elbow deep. Janice is constipated.

This may be Janice’s preferred condition, it giving her that facial expression. But Janice wants it out. As Jezebel reports, Janice has not laid a super-model-size poo for seven days.

This means she is, possibly, heavier than her normal weight by at least a gram.

But shit will out. And if won’t come out via the Dickinson clutch bag, then it will find a new escape route…

Enjoy this exchange – and afterwards, wash your hands:

Anorak

Posted: 16th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Sophie Reade Changes Name To “Sophie Loves Cock”

THAT’S Sophie Reade on the cover of heat magazine. Big Brother Sophie has nicknamed her breasts Mary-Kate and Ashley, in honour of the two shrunken simian Olsen twins.

Now Reade’s breasts have been fed a hearty meal of silicon and gel, been depilated and sprayed with a watertight resin they are no longer holding her back but pressing ever forward, overshadowing all other Big Brother housemates and large parts of Elstree.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Do The Apprentice

AMERICA has Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. It even has a spare Jennifer Aniston. In the UK, we have Philip Taylor and Kate Walsh, the wannabe and the might-be who endured weeks on The Apprentice auditioning for a media career.

In Grazia, readers can see Phil taking a break from staring at himself reflected in Kate’s teeth to tell us that he has left the north-east to move in with Kate in London flat.

Says Phil:

“There’s more to me than people think, I’m pretty good looking, I’m smart and I’ve go something about me.”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Peter Andre “Cheated” On Katie Price

IN Closer magazine, Jordan, aka Katie Price, tells one and all that pop acorn Peter Andre “CHEATED ON ME”.

“He planned to leave me ages ago,” says Jordan. “I should have trapped him with a baby.”

Peter Andre denies the allegations. And there is talk of Jordan “unravelling” – literally. In one phone call, Jordan is said to have yelled at Pete: “You’ve used me and spat me out.”

Well, would you swallow Jordan?

In other Closer news:

Anorak

Posted: 16th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

Madonna And Guy Are Reunited

GRAZIA magazine says that Madonna’s latest adoption has a “twist” – it “REUNITED Madonna & Guy.”

Little David Banda Twist, the orphan of Olde London Town, is now joined on Madonna’s knee in New York by Little Orphan Mercy, or Annie Chifundo James, as is her given name.

“Mercy” might have been what she was heard to cry as Madonna eyed her and set about recruiting the little one for her new super group – a black boy, a white girl, a black girl and a white boy. It will be sensational – a deconstructed Michael Jackson with eight legs and four brave hearts headed by Madonna Von Trapp dressed as a dirty nun.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lindsay Lohan Questioned By Police Over Missing Jewellery

THE Celebrity Police Force is on the trail of Lindsay Lohan. Lohan is to be questioned in connection with the disappearance of £30,000 worth of jewellery from a shoot she did for Elle magazine.

Lohan was allegedly “taken back” by the jewellery.

Says a source:

“She kept going on about the jewels asking if she could have them. We all thought she was joking!”

The CPF are on the case. The British police always get photographed with their celebrity, and Lohan is a prized picture.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Michael Jackson In The World’s Most Bizarre Waxwork Ehibition

THAT’S a new waxwork of Michael Jackson at Madame Tussauds, his 13th version.

Jackson is set to star in the world’s most bizarre waxwork exhibition – which you can see in the following page. (Identify them all and let us know who they are.)

Making a waxwork of Jackson must be like hitting moving target. Although, on a positive note, you can end up with an effigy that looks more like Jackson than the real thing.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Piers Morgan Smells Of Cooked Meat And Ketchup

PIERS Morgan has yet to release his eponymous scnet, and many have wondered why. Will sulphur and humbug catch on?

Now, thanks to Burger King, we know Piers smalls of top notes of onions and pickles over base notes of warmed bun, cooked meat and moist lettuce.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Big Brother Karly Ashworth Dumps Her Footballer

WHILE waiting to have her chest enlarged – as she surely must – Big Brother blonde No. II Karly Ashworth has dumped her boyfriend, a footballer called Gary Greenhill.

The footballer is now without a mo-del. But the summer was ever the transfer season, and while Gary, who plays for Australian club Perth, looks for a new WAG, Karly smiles on.

And moves on. Having referred to Greenhill as her ex-boyfriend, Karly has made mention of a millionaire Chinese businessman lover in New York.

Meanwhile, Gary seems refreshingly bitter:

Anorak

Posted: 15th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Ainsley Harriott ‘Prick With A Fork’ Fail

AINSLEY Harriott sausages –  ‘Prick With A Fork’…

Anorak

Posted: 15th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Prince Harry Dumps Caroline Flack To Be With Chelsy

FAREWELL Caroline Flack. No sooner had we introduced you, then Prince Harry had done with you. Be off with you.

Says the Sun:

PRINCE Harry is desperate to get back with Chelsy Davy after ending his fling with sexy Sky TV presenter Caroline Flack, The Sun can reveal. The lovelorn Royal, 24, told a friend: “I lost the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m paying for it.”

Gladiators’ presenter Flack now adds a new name to her big black book of stars, and continues with her audition to be The New Ulrika Jonsson. Stan Collymore, you there?

Anorak

Posted: 15th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Big Brother Lisa’s Anorexic Hissy Fit

SIGNS of life in the Big Brother house, where I’m Noirin has gone on hunger strike and Lisa Wallace is competing with Marcus Saxondale to be the most offended.

For those of you unaware, Noirin’s face has been used as a blank canvas. Those glass and moustache are not her own and she must wear her inky mask until told to wash it off.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Susan Boyle Joins Abba

SUSAN Boyle Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Susan Boyle in the news. Susan goes home. Glasgow waits for Susan Boyle. Abba’s Super Trouper made real is at rest.

SUSAN Boyle knows. Susan Boyle knows that to be truly great you need to go out on a high; you need to keep them baying for more.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment