Susan Boyle Goes Home

SUSAN Boyle Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Susan Boyle in the news. Susan goes home.

TO the Susan Boyle, sorry, Britain’s Got Talent road show, and people who like seeing crying children are flooding in.

And Susan Boyle is missing. While the crew scatter drawing pins on the stage and pinch the kids, Manchester waits for La Boyle. But she is not singing. Not today.

Says a spokesman:

“She has been advised to rest today. She has done three amazing performances but she is being advised to rest.”

Saving the world takes it out of you. Susan must rest now. Susan is like ET, and must be reunited with Pebbles in her mother ship lest she waste away. Does Hollie Steel have a bike?

Meanwhile, Gordon Brown also grows week. And people begin to wonder…

Anorak

Posted: 14th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Susan Boyle Charges £8,000-Minute To Perform

SUSAN Boyle Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Susan Boyle in the news.

“FRAGILE” Susan Boyle is “charging an astonishing £8,000 A MINUTE to perform live.”

Well, if she’s that fragile, it might be her last show… Dan Wootton has more:

The Britain’s Got Talent star is being booked by corporate clients for £100,000 per 12-minute set, the News of the World can reveal.

That’s £8,333 a MINUTE. Or it’s £140 a SECOND-£10 more than the £129.64 a WEEK the singer, dubbed the Hairy Angel, lives on.

The gigs will quickly add to the £8million fortune SuBo will amass after signing a recording contract with show boss Simon Cowell.

So many facts. But what of the story?

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 14th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Cristiano Ronaldo Dumps Paris Hilton

GIVEN what we have read of Paris Hilton having a drink with Cristiano Ronaldo – a “fling“; “kissing” and “stroking” his beer bottle” – the marriage of the century, Hello! photoshoot and miracle childrenwere sure things.

The press were as excited as an adolsecent boy working out the combination to his big brother’s secret breifcase.

Their love would endure eons.

But then:

MONEYBAGS Cristiano Ronaldo was spreading his bets last night, holed up in a Las Vegas hotel penthouse with two pretty girls . . . and neither was Paris Hilton.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Jennifer Aniston Plans The Divorce Party

JENNIFER Aniston is at the Women in Film Awards in Culver City, Calif., where host Chelsea Handler is presenting the actress with the Crystal Award for Excellence in Film. Yeah, really.

Here’s Jennifer Aniston:

“I have a strange parallel with movies I was doing and my life off screen. First, it was The Good Girl…which evolved into Rumor Has It, followed by Derailed. Then there was The Breakup. Followed by the lighter side, Friends With Money. If anyone has a movie called Everlasting Love With an Adult Stable Man, that would be great! I’m at table six, and my agents are at table 12.“

Anorak

Posted: 13th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Susan Boyle Is A Diva

SUSAN Boyle Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Susan Boyle in the news.

C U Susan Boyle

FRAGILE Susan Boyle has launched ANOTHER foul-mouthed rant, it has emerged. The 48-year-old lost her rag at Edinburgh airport moments after happily posing in a comedy Scottish hat with a bride-to-be on her hen party.

The BGT star appeared to turn on her assistant and was heard yelling “F*** off” repeatedly.

An onlooker said: “Susan was really friendly at first. She was happy to pose with fans but suddenly she just flipped.

“She is struggling to cope with the attention and lashing out at those trying to help her” – Sun

RIP Susan Boyle

Irish Independent: When reality television becomes too brutally real for contestants… Gemma O’Doherty on the people who can’t face life any more after being humiliated on television

At best, Boyle, or SuBo as the tabloids now call her, is suffering from exhaustion… Her disturbing demise brutally illustrates the emotional turmoil of reality television and the exploitation of vulnerable people who are barely equipped to take a trip to the shops not to mind cope with the pressures of instant worldwide fame – Irish Indy

We Love Su!

During last night’s performance, the 48-year-old church volunteer, who shot to fame in the reality television talent contest, blew a kiss to her adoring fans as they screamed and whistled – Belfast Telegraph

She looked relaxed and happy on the opening night of the Britain’s Got Talent tour in Birmingham – Express

Susan Boyle La Diva

The Scot had left it until the last minute before confirming she would perform. But she didn’t disappoint as she sang her famous version of I Dreamed A Dream from the musical Les Miserables… When she finished almost everyone in the venue rose to their feet as she took a bow – Sun

We’ll Never Be Like You Su

‘We won’t do a Susan Boyle!’ The first interview with Britain’s Got Talent winners Diversity – Daily Mail

On Yer Bike, Norton

GRAHAM Norton’s new live show is vetting prank victims — so they don’t have a SuBo-style meltdown…

Norton’s show Totally Saturday sees the camp host poke fun at members of the audience and setting them up with cheeky pranks. Last week one viewer was stunned when the BBC stole his vintage car and hid EastEnders star Perry Fenwick (Billy Mitchell) in the boot.

However, bosses fear contestants could be left distressed live telly after some of the more risque jokes.

A BBC insider told TV Biz: “The order has come down from on high that they don’t want a Boyle on their hands” – Sun

Salmond’s First Mini-star

STAR-struck Alex Salmond orders his staff to FIND celebrities for him to fire off fan mail to, it was revealed yesterday – Sun

I Have A Dream

Perhaps Gordon Brown’s newfound enthusiasm for TV will extend to his promised search for a new voting system. There are some very exciting new models available on screen.

BGT : The revolutionary scheme pioneered by Britain’s Got Talent. Elections are held over one hour on a Saturday night. All the contenders state their case before the public and an expert panel of judges and show their skills at bantering with Ant and Dec. At the end the public has 20 minutes to phone in and vote. The result is announced live after a series of adverts for pizza. Good for encouraging voter participation, and a percentage of all the money raised will go towards funding the new Trident programme. Gives no-hopers the chance of the political career of their dreams – very popular with Liberal Democrats. But could end up with Susan Boyle as PM – Robert Shrimsley, FT

Susan Boyle – she can be all things to all people…

Anorak

Posted: 13th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Prince Harry’s New Lover Caroline Flack Pictures

TO prevent any shocking photos of his lover coming to light after they’ve married – see Fergie and Diana etc. – Prince Harry has selected a gelfriend who has already posed for lads mags.

Interestingly, Miss Flack once appeared in a film called Is Harry On The Boat – a title which Old Mr Anorak is assured is not rhyming slang.

Prince Harry is a selfless as he is noble:

Anorak

Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Banksy’s First Show: Gallery

THE urban artist Banksy is hosting his first show in Bristol. The gallery follows:

Anorak

Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Photojournalism | Comment

Cher’s New Man: Daughter Chaz Bono’s Sex Change

NEWS reaches us that Cher’s daughter Chastity Bono is to undergo a sex change. Chastity Bono will become a man. A new man in Cher’s life. Sonny Bono?

This is Chastity Bono – a product of nominative determinism – who goes under the name Chaz, and who weighs the same as a grizzly bear.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jade Goody’s Mum Dates Boris Johnson

HAVING introduced the world to Jade Goody’s step-lover – Goody Mum Jackiey Budden’s new fella – the Sun’s Andrew Parker tells us:

THE toyboy lover of Jade Goody’s grieving mum sent his ex saucy texts behind her back — including phone snaps of his MANHOOD which he calls BORIS.

The mind is infected by a large nose emerging from a mop of blonde hairs. As for the toyboy lover, well, if you found him in your Christmas stocking you’d ask for the receipt.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Farrah Fawcett Worries For Her Fans

FARRAH Fawcett is worried for the wellbeing of her fans..

Anorak

Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comment

Sacha Baron Cohen’s Bruno Rips The Austrians, And Other Nazis

SACHA Baron Cohen gets it. Don’t go to the level of the fascists to attack the fascsits – mock them. Make them look ridiculous. It can’t be too hard.

Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest film is about a gay fashion groupie who wants to be “the most famous Austrian since Hitler”.

Austria For Green Shirts, Black Shirts And Brown Shirts

Anorak

Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Plot To Kill Big Brother Star

IN “Psycho threat to kill girl of Big Brother boss”, the Sun’s Colin Robertson says:

CHANNEL 4 chiefs were in panic last night after a fan threatened to kill boss Andy Duncan’s daughter if they did not reinstate the Big Brother live feed.

Attacking the children is all the rage. David Letterman has joked about Sarah Palin’s 14-year-old daughter being raped.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Housemate Saffia Quits Big Brother

GOODBYE Saffia Corden – aka Police Corden. Anorak looked on waiting for the Celebrity Police Force to knock on the door and arrest you for leaving your kids behind to go on holiday.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Pictures Of Paris Hilton’s Date With Cristiano Ronaldo

HOW does Cristiano Ronaldo celebrate being worth £80m. Why, by jetting to Los Angeles and snuggling up with Paris Hilton.

Indeed, dear reader, you head to LA after when you’re done at Real Madrid not when you’re about to start.

The Sun’s Pete Samson says:

RONALDO celebrates his £80million transfer by sharing a raunchy night with PARIS HILTON.

For Manchester United footballers “raunchy” means a few slappers and a gang bang, allegedly. But for an ex-player raunchy means sitting on a banquet at a club being whispered to by a socialite strumpet. Sober times ahead for Ronaldo.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Susan Boyle Records Album Of Hymns

SUSAN Boyle Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Susan Boyle in the news.

Having achieved fame and billed as the moral, spiritual and fiscal salve to the world’s ills, Susan Boyle has left the Celebrity Conditioning Centre at The Priory and is now staying at a secure unit hired for her by SyCo industries. Now read on…

Sky News:

Susan Boyle is at the centre of another cliffhanger – over whether she will join the Britain’s Got Talent live tour. A spokeswoman for the show said it still had not been confirmed whether the 48-year-old singer will perform at tonight’s first gig at the Birmingham National Indoor Arena.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

David Beckham Gets Hair Extensions

DAVID Beckham unveils his latast marketing drive in his under crackers/ gunties/ knickers and appears to have lost his eyes.

For those of wanting get the Day-vid look, hold a string of spaghetti at arms length and focus on it. Then bring it close to your face and stand on a cat.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

The Untold Death Of Danny Gans

ANORAK’S Man In LA looks at the death of Las Vegas legend Danny Gans and how the media in Las Vegas did nothing for 39 days.

The Las Vegas Review-Journal definitely got it wrong in the above headline about “the real Danny Gans.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Phil Spector Story In Hair

PHIL Spector loses his hair. If you see Phil’s hair call Peta and they will come and put it down. Phil’s hair will not be turned into gloves or a novelty hat.

Presenting the Spector Jailed: Gallery, sponsored by Mr Burns.

US music producer Phil Spector has been sent down for “19 years to life” for murdering Lana Clarkson at his California home.

This is his story in hair:

You can look me up but you can never take away my hair!

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Pete Doherty Arrested For Drugs

LOOK it’s Peter Doherty, aka Peter Doherty, aka Pop F**kwit, getting arrested in Gloucester.

Call Dr Foster, because there are bound to be drugs involved.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jade Goody’s Mum Shows Her New Lover

MORE news from the press office at  Jade Goody Industries as her grieving mum…

…“spoke for the first time about her blossoming new romance yesterday — and said: “Now Jade needn’t be scared that I’ll be alone.”

Jade Goody’s mum is Jackiey Budden who seems set to prove that there is more to her than being Jade Goody’s mum as she becomes Jade Goody’s mum with a new lover.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Susan Boyle Lives In A Secure Unit

SUSAN Boyle, property of Simon Cowell Inc., has moved into a £2million flat in a converted convent, rented for her by her handler.

Says a Britain’s Got Talent wonk:

“Simon is looking after his prize possession and no expense will be spared making sure she is happy in herself and well enough to perform. He wants her to be fully recovered from the exhaustion she suffered during Britain’s Got Talent.

Sssssusan. Trusssst in me, Sussan. Lisssssten to my voice, Sussssan. You will perform Sssssusssssan.

“Diversity may have won the show but Susan’s the one with massive pound signs over her head. She’s being wrapped in cotton wool.”

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Most Disgusting Megan Fox Picture Ever

THE most disgusting Megan Fox picture ever is NSFW – after the jump. Megan Fox can be made to look like, well, the rest of us. You just need to concentrate…

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Gordon Ramsay’s Mum Says She Never Called Him

IN the Mail, you can read, “How Gordon Ramsay’s ‘disgusted’ mother made him apologise for ‘pig’ insults to Australian TV girl.”

Speaking to Australian media, he admitted he had received a heated ‘please explain’ phone call from his mother, still in the UK.

‘She was disgusted and she wanted to know what actually happened,’ Ramsay told the Herald Sun.

‘When your mum rings you and starts giving you a bollocking down the telephone then of course you start to get the picture.’

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (6)

Audrina Patridge’s Fur Burger

PEOPLE reports that Audrina Patridge is the drooling maw of  Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Six Dollar Burger. Says Audrina Patridge – Peta’s Dumb Animal Of The Month:

I had an absolute blast shooting. It was my first experience shooting a spot with food, and when I pulled up, I was literally salivating looking at all the rows and rows of perfect burgers waiting for me!

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jade Goody’s Jack Tweed Returns From Africa

IT’S Jack Tweed, Mr Jade Goody’s, “first and only interview” in OK!, which discounting the interviews he held with Jade Goody is factually bang on.

Before the interview, OK! readers see pictures of Jack tying a big silver balloon to Jade’s grave, and then attaching it to the headstone. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY,” says the message. OK! says “tears welled” in his eyes and he left a personal note, which OK! readers get to share in.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment