Carrie Prejean Sacked: California Made Whole Again

CARRIE Prejean the woman who agreed with Barack Obama’s views on gay marriage and attracted celebrity watcher gone native Perez Hilton to cry “Intolerance vill not be tolerated!” has lost her Miss California USA crown.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Cheryl Cole And Ashley’s Home Secrets Revealed

CHERYL Cole and her vomitous husband Ashley Cole want to share their “HOME SECRETS” with OK! readers and tell you about their “PREGNANCY FEARS”.

“We sit in bed with a DVD and a takeaway then go out,” says Cheryl, explaining how Ashley manages to keep the juices flowing of an evening.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)

Big Brother’s Angel McKenzie Punches Model in Face: Video

ANGEL McKenzie, the Big Brother agonist with the look of a pre-menstrual Shannon Doherty miming to Take That’s Mark Owen while staring at her face reflected in a stainless steel kettle has boxed in a ring.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Gordon Ramsay Victimised As Australia Discovers Manners

THAT panicky TV luvvie Gordon Ramsay comes across as a Priapic bullying berk is the persona the media encourages via sweary TV shows (Gordon Ramsay’s ‘The F Word’; “40 Years Of Fuck“) and interviews. The media feeds the beast.

Old Mr Anorak says he would not let anyone so preoccupied with sex and with such a foul mouth anywhere near his food.

But the biggest shock is that Australia has discovered new standards. It is not the land that manners forgot, rather the demure paragon of decency, decency and comportment.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Big Brother Eviction: Freddie Fisher And Sophia Brown

IS it Freddie George-Fisher or Freddie George Fisher? That hyphen may well mean a lot to Freddie, nicknamed Halfwit by Big Brother, and Farty Meldman by Anorak on account of his resemblance to the late great Marty Feldman.

The Fowler brothers, first editors of the Concise Oxford Dictionary, wrote in their preface to the 1911 edition:

We have also to admit that after trying hard at an early stage to arrive at some principle that should teach us when to separate, when to hyphen, and when to unite the parts of compound words, we had to abandon the attempt as hopeless, and welter in the prevailing chaos.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jordan and Peter Andre Divorce Is Off

JORDAN and Peter Andre are not getting a divorce. “Jordan Divorce is off,” says the Star on its front page.

Who would never have guessed it? Well, OK you cynics would have. The PRs would have. But it’s a big shock to Katie and Peter who were heading into divorce court like an Oompah Loompah sat astride two giant space hoppers.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

Big Brother’s Noirin Kelly Was On MTV’s The Real World

BIG Brother’s Noirin Kelly appeared on MTV’s The Real World Sydney in 2007.

It seems that Big Brother really has run out of contestants, featuring as it now does Page 3 stunna Sophie Reade, Page 3 stunna’s lover Kris Donnelly, Indian national Sree Dasari, Russian Angel McKenzie, Brazilian Rodrigo Lopes,  FHM high street honey Karly Ashworth, and American Cairon Austin-Hill.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Remember Diana And Dodi

BRAD Pitt & Angelina Jolie are over. Finished. Zip. Gone.

The National Enquirer has the news that it had last week, and for many weeks before that. One day the news will bear fruit and Pitt and Jolie will be disunited – unless they should perish beneath a mountain of children at the same moment, in which case they will go on being united for ever, a kind of Dodi and Diana, with better hair and teeth.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Mel B’s Scary Sex Life

IN Grazia, there’s Mel B again, telling everyone, “I HAVE SEX FIVE TIMES EVERY DAY.”

Anorak readers have already seen Mel’s views in sex in Groser magazine, where Mel says that for women not getting satisfaction she advises a Pocket Rocket vibrator, which works for her.

Why Mel B wants to tell everyone about her sex life and masturbation is an oddity, given that she is so utterly sexless, a composite blend of scariness, muscles and chest bags.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

America’s Got Talent Contestant Knocked Out

AMERICA’S Got Talent is the show that searches for America’s Susan Boyle.

Is there an above average singer with bad hair and a cat who who can be America’s standard bearer for moral, spiritual and fiscal well being.

While we wait, here’s an American with a talent for knocking himself out in a bid to be brain damaged:

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Mel B’s Scary Sex Tips For Unfulfilled Women

IN this week’s Groser magazine – sorry, Closer – Mel B continues to find it too hard to move on from her Scary past and tells readers about her “pocket rocket” sex toy.

Now married to a Stephen Belafonte, Scary Mel B tells one and all:

“I read about new research that showed 75 per cent of women don’t have an orgasm during sex! Oh my God! That amazed me, because having a good sex life is absolutely essential in my opinion. My advice to women who are unfulfilled in the bedroom is to invest in a sex toy. I use a little vibrator called a Pocket Rocket – and it does the trick every time.”

Can Mel be saying that’s she is unfulfilled in the bedroom and is saved from being from of the 75 per cent by her vibrating love missile?

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

That Letter Sent By Baron Cohen’s Bruno Lawyers To They Who Sue

THAT sound you hear is the rubbing of greasy palms, the mating call of lawyers heralding a new Sacha Baron Cohen film.

Already, Baron Cohen in his role as Bruno has attracted one Richelle Olson to file a lawsuit, claiming she was injured during filming at a bingo hall.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Myleene Klass Sticks to Bed In I’m A Celebrity

STORY of the day features the ubiquitous Myleene Klass stuck to a bed post in Costa Rica.

On the island to film the US version of I’m A Celebrity, it is claimed she sprayed herself with so much insect repellent that her skin reacted to the varnish on her bed post and glued her to the frame.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Jordan Replaces Peter Andre

IN “Andre’s hate for Jordan”, Sun readers learn that Peter Andre “hates” Jordan.

Thankfully, Andre was not married to Jordan but to Katie Price. For some time we’ve been assured that Jordan and Katie Price are two different things entirely.

Jordan is the aid to masturbation, the cartoonish soft porn model who carries her breasts before her as a serving suggestion.

Katie Price is the horsewoman, mother, author and all round aid to masturbation for the more cerebral onanist.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Gordon Ramsay Attacks Gays And Pigs On Video

GORDON Ramsay is the panicky, foul-mouthed, hectoring TV cook playing the part as he insults Tracey Grimshaw.

Before the kind of people who watch live celebrity cooking demos at the Melbourne Good Food and Wine Show, Ramsay called Grimshaw “a lesbian” and then showed the cooking fans a picture of a woman on her hands and knees with multiple breasts and the facial features of a pig.

Come watch Ramsay cook a chicken. Bring the kids. Wash your hands – you might have touched a homosexual.

“That’s Tracy Grimshaw,” he said.

“I had an interview with her yesterday, holy crap. She needs to see Simon Cowell’s Botox doctor.”

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Susan Boyle At Live Sex Show

VIRGIN SUSAN Boyle is “ready to do it.”

The Sun’s COLIN ROBERTSON says “Virgin” SuBo is going to do it “LIVE”.

After recovering from exhaustion she talked to show bosses and told them: “Get me on the stage.”

“Virgin” Susan Boyle is ready to “it” “live” on a “stage”.

She is now desperate to be on the tour, which starts in Birmingham on Friday. Boss Simon Cowell has secured her a slot and tour insiders say she is “highly likely” to perform. But he has insisted she can pull out at any time if she feels under too much pressure.

Simon Cowell has “secured her a slot”. Simon Cowell fought for her. He said, “No, the break dancers, the other break dancers and the weeping child can all move along the school bench for SuBo to squeeze in.

All that remains to be told is who Susan Boyle is going to be doing “it” with?

And here Robertson really does have some sensation. Having created an image of family telly star SuBo in a live sex show, the Sun equips a picture of a man carrying a jacket draped over a basket with the caption:

“Reunited … SuBo’s cat pebbles.”

Might it be that Pebbles is not a feline, rather a pet name for SuBo’s purring lover?

In which case, she might not be the virgin the Sun bills her as, nor an angel, nor even all that hairy – and we can check that out during her live bed show…

Anorak

Posted: 8th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Bret Michaels Fractures Nose At Tony Awards

FOR those of you who missed it, Bret Michaels was performing at the Tony Awards with his band Poison.

He hurt his lip (three stitches) and fractured a nose.

Video – no laughing:

Anorak

Posted: 8th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Michael Jackson Goes Bowling With Obama

GREAT news for mums and dads looking for things to occupy young minds this summer holidays – Michael Jackson will rebuild his Neverland ranch in the UK.

Jackson is reported to have commanded AEG, his concert promoters, to mutate the British home he is renting, Foxbury Manor in Chislehurst, Kent, into a replica of his former US estate.

Given the state of his US estate, the effect can be reproduced with a few hundred spiders, a large bucket of dust and some fast-rusting ironwork.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kirsti Allsop Sticks It Up Channel 4

PERIOD featured telly property show presenter Kirstie Allsop has discovered Twitter and hopes that it will keep her career alive during the housing slump.

As Anorak has long said – you know the housing market is shafted when Allsop’s Location Location Location dies; you know TV is shafted when it carries on regardless.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Rock Star Bret Michaels Decapitated 0n Stage

THE Celebrity Cull moves on to the rock group Poison, whose performance with the show Rock of Ages on the Tony Awards features lead singer Bret Michaels being near decapitated.

Of course, if Michaels is like most other old rockers, his hair will be so tightly glued on that whatever the impact his noggin will remain attached to his body by a “spinal cord” of  hair-like nylon silk:

Anorak

Posted: 8th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Big Brother’s Lisa Wallace’s Porn Past

BIG Brother lesbian-in-residence Lisa Wallace used to man the phones on a sex chat line.

As the Sun reports:

The mohican-sporting Brummie, 41, pretended to be a 6ft leggy blonde when she chatted to callers.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

A Day in The Life Of Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt: Pictures

ANGELINA JOLIE and Brad Pitt are famous for harvesting children and being famously photogenic…

A day in their life goes like this – that day is June 7, 2009:

MORNING: Brad and Ange Marry:

ANGE: OK, LET’S WED
Dean Piper, of the  Daily Mirror, tells us –

Jolie & Pitt to marry to quash rift rumours

Anorak

Posted: 7th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Susan Boyle Is A SyCo Sico

SUSAN Boyle is released from The Priory mental clinic and signs a deal with a record company to promote her new album. The name of that record company is…

SyCo

It’s Simon Cowell’s record label.

No, not SiCo. It’s SyCo. As in Psycho.

It’s nominative determinism at work.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Big Brother’s Kris Donnelly Dates Russell Brand’s Rhian Sugden

IT’S “RANDY Kris Donnelly”, the man with the style of Russell Brand and the hair of Russell Grant.

News is that Kris (with a K) is dating Page 3 strumpet Rhian Sugden.

Pals say the sex-mad Kris has fallen for the blonde model-but won’t be able to resist leaping into the sack with a female housemate if he gets the chance. And they revealed that after he slept with his 100th woman, his pals burst into the bedroom with a celebration cake and card.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Madonna And Toy Boy Shop For Orphans In Nigeria

IN “MADONNA BID FOR NEW TOT”, Madonna is said to be looking to adopt another African baby with her lover Jesus.

Eat yer heart out, Mary – look, no stretch marks! Madonna is not only better then God, whom she can reach through Kabbalah, but can have more immaculate conceptions than a host of angles can muster.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment