Sarah Jessica Parker Impregnates Kennel Maid

WHAT reaction to the news that the surrogate carrying Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s twin girls works “in a kennel”.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Jennifer Aniston Adopts Nicholas John

CRUEL to make National Enquirer readers wait an entire seven days for their next instalment of Jennifer Aniston’s life, but the wait is worth is it as it the magazine’s proud and delightful duty to announce that Ms Jennifer Aniston of the Jolie-Pitt Anistons is “A MOM AT LAST!”

News is that Jen is “adopting a baby boy!”

And “You won’t believe his name?”

Is is:

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Cheryl Cole Orders Her Baby

EXCITING news from the life of Cheryl Cole on the cover of OK! magazine:

“ANNOUNCING HER EXCITING NEWS – ‘OUR CHILD WON’T BE A SPOILT LIAR’”

She’s pregnant!

Well, no. But when Cheryl is – maybe – then any child she has with the truth-telling and very unspoilt Ashley Cole will be just like dad.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Britain’s Got Talent: Jamie Pugh Attacked

JAMIE Pugh is the latest wannabe of average talent to wow the judges on Britain’s Got Talent, the show that shocks and amazes people as no show has shocked and amazed people. Ever!

Other than the shocking and amazing news, which features clips from Britain’s Got Talent among clips of bodies in pieces and the weather to tell the story.

We’ve had the good and the ugly (Susan Boyle), so now we get the bad (Jamie Pugh).

Today Jamie Pugh is being patronised, sorry,  “EXPOSED” by the Daily Mail, which thunders:

Exposed: Britain’s Got Talent star Jamie Pugh has already performed in the West End

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Photoshop Triumphs: Liza Minnelli Melts

OVER Old Mr Anorak’s office radiator hangs a picture of Liza Minelli’s marriage to David Gest, a do attended by Liz Taylor and Michael Jackson.

The effect eas of a waxwork ensemble set too close to a fire. Old Mr. A keeps it above the heat source to remind his staff that the Dungeon is not freezing cold but warm anough to melt your face.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comment

June Sarpong Journeys To LA

JUNE Sarpong, the former T4 presenter, has relocated to Los Angeles. How’s she settling in?

Hello! finds out… Says June:

“Because I’m on this journey of ‘personal growth’,” she says making imaginary inverted commas…

Anorak

Posted: 5th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

How to Be A Famous Model

THAT’S Amber Le Bon, daughter of model Yasmin Le Bon and Duran Duran singer Simon Le Bon walking the catwalk at Milan’s Moschino fashion show.

It truly is incredible the way in which the daughter of model-pop coupling always look like the model and not the non-model dad.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Megan Fox Video: Megan’s Morning Glory

SAYS Megan Fox prior to her morning glory video:

“I just want to work and make the right choices, and study and develop as an actress.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 5th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Danielle Lloyd Dates Spurs

DANIELLE Lloyd has been “punched in the face”. As the Sun says:

WAG DANIELLE LLOYD was punched in the face in a brawl over her Spurs star boyfriend JAMIE O’HARA. The 25-year-old model suffered a cut lip as trouble flared with pals of Jamie’s ex SADE METCALFE.

Sade is an “aspiring model” who, as the story goes, says Dani stole Jamie. And the trio came together in a fighti fighti at a clubbie-wubbi.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Peaches Geldof Linked To Swine Flu

STEP forward, Pixie Geldof, sister to Peaches Geldof, and say why you should be the celebrity face of swine flu:

“Pixie in Pig Flu shocker “(Star) and “Swine Flu Closes Pixie’s School” (Express) set the tone for Pixie’s pitch. And not her’s alone:

PIXIE and Peaches Geldof’s old school has been closed after six pupils were struck down with swine flu.

The children aged 11 and 12 caught the deadly virus from a classmate who visited the US at Easter. Now posh Alleyn’s School in Dulwich, south-east London, has shut its doors for at least seven days.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Jennifer Aniston Brings Beckham To Her Senses

“SKINNY is over!” announces heat magazine. And to prove how over skinny is, Jennifer Aniston has “put on half a stone”, “Posh bulks up at gym!” and Hello! magazine comes equipped with a bar of KitKat senses.

Unwrap your finger of chocolate, and marvel at how Jennifer Aniston has gained half a stone since she split from John Mayer.

Jens looks a “far cry from the shots we’re used to seeing of her on the beech with her trademark toned tummy and tony waist.”

A “far cry” – or a good cry?

Anorak

Posted: 5th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Big Brother 10 Hit By Swine Flu

IT’S the “£2 MILLION BIG BRUV BETTING SCANDAL”

Yes, dear reader, Big Brother is almost upon us. And this season the agonists will be the 27 Britons who’ve swine flu. Right now a lap dancer in Basildon is offering free dances to anyone able to infect her with the deadly bug.

To the story, and it is:

“A MIDDLE-Eastern gambling syndicate is plotting to fix Big Brother and net a £2million-pound fortune. Gang members gained access to last year’s voting patterns and are ready to strike again when the new show starts next month.”

Anorak

Posted: 5th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Sasha Grey Opens Up

SASHA Grey – is billed as “The Dirtiest Girl in the World”.

And now that porn has gone mainstream, Sasha Grey is the subject of a six-page photospread in Rolling Stone magazine.

Writer Vanessa Grigoriadis labels Grey as an “elderly anarchist”, one of a “new breed” of porn stars /women/ sheep.

If anarchists performed like Sasha Grey, the G20 summit would be on after the watershed, and feature such concerned group as “Men For Anarchy”, “Beat The Bankers” and “The Jacqui Smith Enthusiasts”.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Jade Goody’s Last Hours: Pictures

AS threatened, Mark McGowan has turned Jade Goody’s Jade Goody’s post-reality career into work of art.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comment

Princess Diana Biographer Morton Writes Angelina Jolie Book

ANDREW Morton, biographer of Princess Diana is to write on the life and times of Angelina Jolie as his next topic, reports Page Six.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Cheryl Cole Bitten By Fan

CHERYL COLE has been bitten by a “deranged girl fan”.

And where was she bitten?

Why, outside her hotel.

And where?

Anorak

Posted: 4th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Princess Eugenie And Party Mugged In Cambodia

DAY 129 of Princess Eugenie’s Grand Tour, and the young royal is meeting with muggers in Cambodia.

Can Eugenie learn to live off the proceeds of crime in a Cambodian housing estate – without getting fat?

Sky News reports:

A bandit grabbed a purse belonging to a friend of the younger daughter of the Duke of York during a night out in Phnom Penh.

What next?

A Buckingham Palace source tells the Sun:

“(Police) feared the incident was escalating out of control and took the decision to focus on the safety of their principal.”

“Police” being Eugenie’s Royal protection officers which are acting as crew members on Eugenie’s mission.

How much was in the stolen purse, readers do not learn.

But the police protection for Eugenie during the trip is said to cost in the region of £100,000.

And the boys in cut-off blue jeans and tan are just fine…

Anorak

Posted: 4th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Britain’s Got Talent: Jamie Pugh Beat The Boyle

JAMIE PUGH is the latest Britain’s Got Talent singer to show that you can have a beard and a large chest and still sing a dirge from Les Miserables.

Very soon Les Miserables – Pugh, Boyle and many more – will form a group and tour the country enthralling the Miserabilists (fans) with feelings of inadequacy, fear and unhappiness.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Susan Boyle To Tour Australia And US

SUSAN Boyle Watch: In which Susan appears on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!

“HAIRY ANGEL IN THE JUNGLE – Susan Boyle to Star in I’m A Celebrity.”

So announces the Daily Star.

HAIRY Angel Susan Boyle could soon be going ape as she is being lined up for jungle fun on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!

So says the Daily star in more circumspect fashion than that headline statement of fact. But what of singing simian Susan?

Anorak

Posted: 4th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Perez Hilton Cannot Be Satirized

PEREZ Hilton, the celebrity blogger gone native, says the National Organization for Marriage’s video featuring his words on pneumatic Miss California Carrie Prejean is a breach of copyright.

To recap: Prejean voiced a belief in marriage being boy-girl, and in a triumph for free speech Hilton called her a bitch and threatened to mug her.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Britain’s Got Talent: Sue Son Says Cowell ‘Ruined My Life’

IN “SIMON RUINED MY LIFE,” Britain’s Got Talent’s “sensation” Sue Son tells Star readers about her post-show life.

VIOLIN sensation Sue Son says Britain’s Got Talent Judge Simon Cowell has RUINED her greatest friendship.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (22)

World’s Leading Paedophile Spotted In UK

GARY Glitter walks the land. But where is Gary Glitter? The News of the World knows. And it screams from its front page:

“MONSTER IN DISGUISE – We find Evil Glitter.”

This is investigative journalism at its finest – spotting a pop star who has already served time for child abuse.

And what is Glitter’s “evil” disguise – and mind, kids, this is The Glitter Monster, aka. The Leader, the fiend who stalks the land, his hooves clad in massive high heels enabling him to peer though your bedroom window at night?

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Amy Winehouse Buried In St Lucia

OVERLOOKED for a judge’s berth on Britain’s Got Talent, Amy Winehouse is instead experiencing Caribbean heath care, having collapsed at her holiday villa.

So what happened to her?

A spokesman explains:

“Amy fainted after being out in the sun and without drinking water.”

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Britain’s Got Talent: Violinist Sue Son Splits From Partner On Stage

YOU’VE met Susan Boyle – now meet Britain’s Got Talent’s Sue Son…

Sue Son is one half of Sue Son (surley Sue San? – ed) and Janine Khalil, set to be the world’s greatest ever keyboard-violin partnership since the last ones – only in hotpants and opaque tights! Together they are Addicted.

Says Simon Cowell:

“I think you are both talented musicians, especially you with the violin, but I don’t think the two go together at all. I thought the song was dreary and indulgent and I don’t see where you are going with this.”

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

British Star Has Suspected Swine Flu

MUCH competition to be the media’s celebrity face of swine flu, with Paris Hilton leaving for Mexico and Lisa Rinna boasting about her pirate copy swine flu – she got it when swine flu was a bespoke brand.

Now the Sun spots a British contender in the prone form of Tulisa Contostavlos “lead singer of chart-topping British band N-Dubz”.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)