Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Michelle Heaton’s Recipe For Happiness
ORANGEY-Brown Big Brother star emeritus Michelle Heaton (positively Bovey coloured – Ed) wants to tell Closer readers how happy she is with her body. Michelle is happy, happy, happy!
How happy is Michelle Heaton with her body. Very! Says Michelle ‘Happy Meal’ Heaton:
“I was so unhappy. I’d go home every night and stuff my face with pizza.”
Pizza is synonymous with misery. Anorak recalls a trip to the Kilburn outlet of Pizza Hut many years years ago and oveheard the exhange:
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Posted: 14th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Susan Boyle Is Boiled Alive
MORE on Britain’s Got Talent’s bearded lady Susan Boyle – how before long will be compared to Jade Goody. and singing at the Olympics? Stay tuned.
Here’s show judge Piers Morgan, fresh from a head-butting with David Hasselhoff telling one and all that judging Boyle by her appearance rather than her singing might be…
“…rather more akin to that of a noise made when a lobster is being slowly boiled alive”.
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Posted: 14th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
The Queen Writes To Jade Goody
JADE Goody is back on the cover of OK!, telling readers: “HOW THE QUEEN GRANTED MY DYING WISH.”
Her Majesty was caught short with Princess Diana and would not make the same mistake twice. She has responded to the nation’s pleas and lowered the flag to half-mast.
It turns out that Jade is not being channelled by the medium of OK! and that these bon mots are not words from the hereafter – “Ambrosia-pops are mental”; “St Peter wants me evicted”; “Max, God says ‘Call Me” – but taken from Jade’s new book, Jade: Forever In My Heart.
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Posted: 14th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Amy Winehouse Sings The Ultimate Betrayal
AMY Winehouse has penned a song called The Ultimate Betrayal “after hearing claims hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL got another woman pregnant”.
So says the Sun. That woman is called Gilleen Morris, and she tells of her love child “following a romp with Blake, 27, in a Sheffield rehab clinic”.
Hours after hearing the news, Amy went to her studio on Caribbean isle St Lucia and penned her emotional song.
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Posted: 14th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Jack Tweed And Kerry Katona To Star In Jeremy Kyle Film
JADE Goody: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Jade Goody’s post-reality career, with Goody Egg Jack Tweed’s crack up…
WHAT news of Jack Tweedy, husband to the resting Jade Goody?
The Sun has front-page news: “JACK WILL CRACK.”
Is the plan to shine the media spotlight on Jack Tweed until he goes to bits? Seems cruel. But if it pays the bills and helps the boys… Reading on:
JACK Tweed was last night braced to be jailed today — as friends warned he is close to CRACKING UP.
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Posted: 14th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
Susan Boyle Sings In Her Garage
SUSAN Boyle might be a product of nominative determinism, but she becoming all things to all pundits.
Hereunder is a collection of thoughts on Boyle, and what a plain woman singing a song on a TV talent show can mean to those with space to fill:
A words first from Miss Boyle:
Susan, 48, told the Daily Mirror: “They say that television makes you look fat and it certainly did. “I looked like a garage. It was mortifying to see and a bit of a shock. I didn’t realise I could reduce people to tears and I hope it wasn’t because of that” – What’s On TV
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Posted: 14th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (15)
Mel Gibson’s Wife Robyn Files For Divorce
MEL Gibson’s wife, Robyn, has filed for divorce. Can this be the Mel Gibson who gave the world The Passion? Why the divorce from Mel Gibson who told us:
The Holy Ghost was working through me on this film, and I was just direction traffic.
And:
Obviously, nobody wants to touch something filmed in two dead languages. They think I`m crazy, and maybe I am. But maybe I`m a genius.
Yeah, maybe. But best of all:
My dad taught me my faith, and I believe what he taught me. The man never lied to me in his life.
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Posted: 13th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Jade Goody Memorial: Help Wanted
THE Jade Goody Easter Egg will not pickle itself…
Posted: 13th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comment
America’s Got Talent: David Hasseloff Threatens To Headbutt Piers Morgan
THE Celebrity Cull (the world effort to reduce the EU celebrity moutain) stops for no show – and on America’s Got Talent, the resident celebs are responding to the call, Look on as judge David Hasselhoff, reportedly, threatens to put his fellow judge Piers Morgan out of action by way of a headbutt.
“He started yelling abuse at Piers, and Piers was giving back as good as he was getting, when suddenly David stood up, walked around the judges’ table and got right in Piers’s face.”
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Posted: 12th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Jessica Simpson’s Thought For Easter
HEREUNDER is Jessica Simpson’s Thought For Easter. One thought – but itsi worth remembering:
Why do we let the sun SET with its beauty, then find ourselves ugly.*
Didn’t God, whoever he may be to you, create both? If a sunset is beautiful, then so are we.
Love yourself morning, noon, and night. Sunrise. Sunset.
Xo jess
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Posted: 12th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Jade Goody Christmas Club Party
It’s “JADE’S CHRISTMAS GIFT TO HER BOYS”.
It’s Jade’s last Christmas. But before that, a few words from Gabby Hinsliff in the Guardian’s, er, business pages:
The recession may not have killed the cult of celebrity, as the media circus around Jade Goody recently proved, but there are glimmers of a new mood of intellectual seriousness.
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Posted: 12th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Jade Goody London Dungeons Exhibit: Update
MARK McGowan will re-enact the final hours of Jade Goody’s life. It’s a, er, tribute.
And now this:
Organisers from the London Dungeons have been casting for ‘corpses’ for their new attraction, Surgery: Blood and Guts.
Tim Dodd, a corpse acting specialist, gives tips on how to play a good corpse.
Posted: 12th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Jade Goody Is A Turner Prize Exhibit
JADE Goody: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Jade Goody’s post-reality career, with Mark McGowan’s art tribute…
Jade Goody’s death to be turned into an ‘art’ work. No, not the big Madame Tussauds Goody Friday life-size tribute candle – pick a wick, any wick.
Mark McGowan will re-enact the final hours of Jade Goody’s life. It’s not a parody, but a tribute.
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Posted: 12th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Jade Goody’s Anthea Turner Moment
JADE Goody: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Jade Goody’s post-reality career, with her chocolate grave…
THE Mail looks on as “Grieving Jack Tweed struggled to hold back his tears today as he made an Easter visit to his wife Jade Goody’s grave to leave fresh flowers”.
Read: Jade Goody’s Easter Egg Hunt
After Goody Friday, it might be that Jade is no longer there?
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Posted: 11th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Jade Goody’s Easter Egg Hunt
JADE Goody: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Jade Goody’s post-reality career, with Michael Parkinson… It’s time for journalists to have a heated debate about a, er, journalist.
WITH Goody Friday over, it’s now time to celebrate Goody Saturday with Fiona Philips, who tells Mirror readers:
“If Jade Goody is paltry and wretched, Michael Parkinson is privileged and over-paid.”
She died for his sins of greed, having Billy Connolly on speed dial and being boring.
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Posted: 11th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)
How Jade Goody Beat The Taliban
JADE Goody: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Jade Goody’s post-reality career, as Our Jade beats the Taliban!
To Sky News:
“Breaking news, the Taliban have just claimed responsibility for the US immigration centre attack, but we’ll be returning to our top story, Jade Goody’s funeral, in a second.”
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Posted: 10th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)
The Billy Bob Thornton Video Outtakes
BILLY Bob Thornton’s video – outtakes video:
Spotter: The Daily What
Posted: 10th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Jade Goody To Open Restaurant
WHAT will Jack Tweed do now Jade Goody has gone? There’s the golf. The football. The fairground – can you become a professional fairground rider? And there’s prison.
But the Daily Mirror has another idea:
“Jack Tweed wants to open a restaurant in honour of Jade Goody.”
Grieving Jack Tweed wants to open a high-class restaurant and name it in Jade Goody’s honour.
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Posted: 10th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (6)
Pictures Of Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady’s Wedding
GISELE Bundchen (pronounced Jizz-Sell) has as Derek Hail puts it has some “some parts that you, surpisingly, can’t see”.
What you can’t see is her wedding to Tom Brady in Costa Rica. But you can hear it:
“Take a picture of me now, you f—er! F–k you!” a camera-shy friend of Brady’s supposedly shouted at the photogs after inviting them into the house for a chat.
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Posted: 10th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Coronation Street Star In Shoplifting Horror
“CORRIE BET IN SHOPLIFT SHOCKER” screams the Star’s front page, trailing a story that “CORRIE legend Julie Goodyear was at the centre of a shoplifting riddle last night over a pack of Nicorette gum worth £13.”
A riddle? More of tongue-twister – “Corrie Bet In Shoplift Shocker, Corrie Bettin Shoplift Shaker… Corrie Betting Shagging Slacker…
Nothing proven. Far from it. No crime committed. And while tempting to add Corrie Bet to Anorak’s celebrity shoplifting special, we consider the facts…
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Posted: 10th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Jade Goody’s Jack Tweed Plays A Round
JADE Goody: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Jade Goody’s post-reality career, as Jack Tweed plays golf…
Jack Tweed is “greiving Jack” in the tabloids. Death is tabloid entertainment, and readers are invited to wallow in Jack’s grief.
To date we have seen GJ at the fairground, in a pub, kicking a football and now playing a game of golf.
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Posted: 10th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Victoria Beckham Gets Role In SpongeBob
VICTORIA Beckham has cracked America. She is to make an appearance in US cartoon Sponge Bob Square Pants.
Posh will voice the role of Queen Amphitrite, goddess of the sea in an episode called Neptune’s Party.
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Posted: 9th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Kanye West Strokes His Sea Kitten
Kanye West Strokes His Sea Kitten:
Posted: 9th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Britney Stops Show Because Of Cigarette Smoke
BRITNEY Spears stopped her show in Vancouver last night because of smoke. No, not hers. You can’t sing and smoke. You can mime and smoke. But let’s move on…
Her sold-out Circus concert lasted just 15 minutes and three songs before it was stopped.
As mums rejoice and thank Britney for making it short, and dads consol themselves with web porn for missing out of a mother of two dry humping a microphone, some people actually boo.
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Posted: 9th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Brad Pitt Moves Out On Angelina Jolie
BRAD Pitt “moves out” of where ever it is he lives and the National Enquirer follows up that bombshell with news that he “wants all 6 kids”.
Ha! All six? Brad was never that good at the counting game, and Anorak learns that the world boasts around 3billion children, every one them better off with Angelina Jolie, David Banda and Octomum’s kids (plus ca change) included, although not Suri Cruise (Obey Her!).
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Posted: 9th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)