Gordon Brown Says Jade Goody Can Consummate Marriage With Jack

THE Ministry of Justice has ruled that Jade Goody’s fiance Jack Tweed must have his curfew conditions relaxed to allow him to spend his wedding night with her.

Big Brother is watching. Big Brother says Jade must be treated well. Big Brother is suckling at the celebrity nipple.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Jade Goody: The Columnists Do Private School, Marrry In Haste And Princess Diana

THE columnists takes a look at Jade Goody and get chatting:

Paul Routledge (Daily Mirror): Bride beats all prejudice

Married couples are in a minority in Britain for the first time since records began in 1862. Only one in every 50 single women now gets hitched each year.

So why is terminally-ill Jade Goody planning a big white wedding? I’m not in a position to know, but I imagine she wants to show her commitment to fiance Jack Tweed.

Marrying him, even on her deathbed, is a sign of devotion. It means a lot to her.

How much does it mean to her. Well, there’s the dress, the £700,000 OK! magsazine exclusive. The canapes…

Anorak

Posted: 20th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Jade Goody: Shilpa Shetty Prays And The Two-Minute Silence

JADE Goody Live Celebrity Cancer Watch: Worzel Gummidge, Shilpa Shetty Prays And A Two-Minute Silence 

DAILY MIRROR (front page): “SAD JADE ALONE ON WEDDING NIGHT”

Jade Goody is a living Worzel Gummidge, the scarecrow of tea-time telly who could change his moods as she changed his head. Look, there’s vile Jade; there’s brave Jade and today here’s sad Jade.

But why is sad Jade alone?

“Police curfew on groom Jack”

Anorak

Posted: 20th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

Rihanna Gets Counselling

RIHANNA and Chris Brown’s relationship is proving of interst to Roseanne Barr. This:

women who go back to men who have hit them are usually violent too–they escalate conflict by using verbal humiliation and often throw the first punch, but are then unable to withstand the strength of the man’s counter attack.Alot of guys hit women because the women are hitting them, verbally abusing them or throwing the keys to their car outside and goading them on, and they lose control of themselves. This is what it sounds like to be in the rhianna-chris brown affair. there is no way out of violence if you are violent. the only way to win is not to play the game.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Win A Date With Nicola McLean, And The First Prize Is…

“HOW does a date with jungle babe Nicola McLean sound?”

Well…

Impossible you may say, but you would be wrong!

B-b-but…

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Anorak

Posted: 19th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jade Goody Celebrity Cancer Live: Gordon Brown, Girls Aloud And The Grim Reaper

Jade Goody Live Celebrity Cancer Watch: Gordon Brown Cares, Girls Aloud Weep And Cancer Scares.

BBC: “Tweed speaks out over sick Goody”

The BBC would never broadcast a live celebrity death would it? No, of course not. Never…

Jade Goody’s fiance Jack Tweed has revealed how he is feeling ahead of his wedding to the reality TV star, who has terminal cancer.

During a series of documentaries for Living, Tweed said: “It’s weird, but it’s like a film, I’m happy, but then I’m sad, obviously.”

Like a film, and he’s got a speaking role. Who’s writing the script?

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Anorak

Posted: 19th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (12)

Jennifer Aniston And Angelina Jolie To Meet On Feb 21

JENNIFER Aniston and Angelina Jolie, after “fighting words, near encounters and private pain”, finally see each other at the Feb. 21 Night Before the Oscars party in Beverly Hills.

So says OK! magazine, which thinks the date is set for the most eagerly expected meeting since Peter Doherty introduced a needle to his testicular vein.

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Anorak

Posted: 18th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Warming Our Hands On Chris Martin And Paltrow’s Buccolic London Mansion

GLOBAL warming news now as Anorak’s reporter warms his hands on the side of Coldplay singer Chris Martin’s home and reads his copy of The Age, in which a reader asks:

WHAT is the difference between an arsonist and a person who refuses to limit greenhouse gas emissions?

Anyone? What about you, Chris Martin, all round good green egg?

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Anorak

Posted: 18th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Naked Lily Allen Engages Perez Hilton PR

LILY Allen and celebrity blogger and wannabe celebrity Perez Hilton are engaged in a spot of online PR.

The shtick is simple: one party bad mouths the other. The target responds. The PR conducts all.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jade Goody: Che Jade, Her Little Princes And Wed And Buried

JADE Goody’s Celebrity Cancer: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at the Mourn Porn of Jade’s Goody’s celebrity cancer.

Daily Express (front page): “Jade’s boys cheers their brave mum”

Jade Goody’s sons are off to see mum in hospital. Yes two boys to an assisted blonde mum. How long before the lads are called the “little princes”?

Anorak

Posted: 18th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (30)

Kanye West Dresses Gay As Obama’s Stylist Should

US rapper Kanye West is talking in Details magazine about his alter ego: Barack Obama:

“If not me, then who? Someone could be a better rapper, dance better. But culturally impacting*? When you look back at these four and a half years, who’s the icon at the end of the day? Who broke down color barriers? What other black guy would a white person use as a fashion reference?”

Er… Thinking… Still thinking… Is the blakc chap gay?

Anorak

Posted: 17th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jade Goody’s Multimedia Live Obituary and Marriage

MORE news on “Brave” Jade Goody, who can be seen on the Sun’s cover shopping for a wedding dress.

“I WILL WED JADE,” cheers the Star’s front page headline.

There’s no hanging about for Jade, and by the time we’ve reached the Mirror’s front page, she’s already been married.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (80)

Coleen Rooney’s Lie In, Pitch And Wardrobe

“PEOPLE have this thing that I’m always shopping, but I’m not,” says Coleen Rooney.

Indeed. What with getting to the shops, by car or plane, dressing for the shops and those times when the shops are closed, the image is far removed from the truth.

“I actually need to start going again because my wardrobe’s getting a bit empty.”

It’s all relative, of course, Coleen’s wardrobe has its own post code. “I do have quite a big wardrobe,” she adds.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Alexandra’s Palace: Kissing Up To A Von Fuestenberg

YOU know the “Miller Society Sisters”? Yeah, you do. You do. You dooooo. Yeah, them.

Well, Hello! is meeting with one of the “FAMOUS” sisters. She’s called Alexandra Von Fuestenberg, although she needs no introduction.

Alexandra is showing us around her “chic, art-filled LA home”. Alexandra, we learn, has a “love of collecting”. She collects anything: thimbles, labels off jam jars, toenail clippings – you name it, Alexandra collects it.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Sienna Miller Enjoys Her Own Company In The Garden

SIENNA Miller is “AS YOU’VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE.”

So says Hello! on its cover, and we thrill to the sight of Ms Miller enjoying her own company as she puts in the bedding plants and then hands upside down from the banisters with her feet in skis and her head in a toaster.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Madonna And Naked Jesus Luz Crease Up Holy Ghost

MADONNA takes a break from grabbing her crotch – with both hands – to perv at Jesus Luz, her younger companion of the now.

In W magazine, Jesus appears naked in a few shots, his wafer kept dry by way of a white towel. In another image, Jesus is spread-eagled in a black thong. Madonna is locking the door.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Alex Curran’s Top Five WAGs Credit Crunch Tips

THE credit crunch is affecting Alex Gerrard, Wag to Stephen Gerrard, the slippery-footed Liverpool captain.
News is that Alex has cut down on her spending and only visits the hairdressers twice a week.

Says Alex:

“I think people – especially WAGs – are becoming more conscious of spending money now.”

And you can learn from them as Anorak brings you the Top Five WAG Credit Crunch Tips:

Anorak

Posted: 10th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Naked Salma Hayek Feeds The World, Double Handed

SALAM Hayek bears herself. She is naked before us. Salma shows Bob Geldof how it’s done by feeding the world on her own – literally!

Bob never offered the world to suckle on his chest, only to dig deep into his pockets, their pockets and any pockets within touching distance.

Bob was ever reaching into pockets.

Salma reached into her breast pocket and pulled out the panacea – two of them:

Anorak

Posted: 10th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Chris Brown And Rihanna’s Groundbreaking Hit

POP star Rihanna is wounded, allegedly by one Chris Brown. Says the Mirror, in Anorak’s euphemism of the day:

Pop star Rihanna’s relationship with boyfriend Chris Brown was hanging by a thread last night after he allegedly bit her in his rented Lamborghini

Ouch!

Anorak

Posted: 10th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (41)

Jonathan Ross Calls His Mum

IN “ROSS lashed by mum in phone row”, Paul Ross, brother to Jonathan Ross, tells us of a conversation between Jonathan Ross and Jonathan Ross’s mum, Mrs Ross.

This Paul Ross, he says Mrs Ross puts the phone down on Jonathan Ross. Paul Ross says this was because Mrs Ross she was disgusted with her son – not Paul Ross, you blithering idiot, Jonathan Ross.

The conversation might ahve gone something like this:

Anorak

Posted: 10th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Abi Titmuss And Mickey Rourke Sex Scene: Full Transcript

JUST how did Abi Titmuss “turn down sex with Mickey Rourke”?

And do know that tuning down sex with Mickey Rourke has been down before, notably by his Wrestler co-star Rachel Wood, who opined:

“I’m not attracted to him, he’s too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will.”

Wood complained that stories linking her to Rourke were distracting to her career. What hope, then, for

Titmuss whose career high is a straight-to-tissues home movie?

Anorak

Posted: 10th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)

Jade Goody: Bag A Goody, Sue Carroll’s Tabloid Bingo And Australian Fires

JADE GOODY’S Celebrity Cancer: Tablid Bingo, Big Brother-Little Brother and a row

DAILY MIRROR: “Time to be thankful for what we’ve got”

We’ve got Jade? What else we got, Sue Carroll? Eyes down for today’s edition of Tabloid Bingo! (How many news stories can Sue pack into one column about our Jade?)

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Anorak

Posted: 10th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Death Cooled Down: Roxanne Cheats Death On Dancing On Ice

IT’S Dancing On Ice, the show that puts Coleen Nolan in pair of skates and makes her lead turn in a melange of top-heavy TV heavyweights, literally.

There’s Gemma Bissix, Melinda Messenger, Zoe Salmon and Jessica Taylor, who was runner-up in BBC1’s Strictly Ice Dancing, in 2004.

They said Taylor would never do ice again, but the show’s booker hadn’t updated her celebrity contacts list for a few years, so Jessica is in.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Jade Goody’s Celebrity Cancer: The Reality Show Hissy Fit

JADE GOODY’S Celebrity Cancer: The head, the bravery and the columnists…

DAILY MIRROR: “Jade Goody exclusive: Cancer-stricken star trying to heal rift between boyfriend and mum”

Jade Goody was forced to act as peacemaker only hours after life-saving surgery when her mum and her boyfriend got into a bust-up.

Row! Roll cameras.

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Anorak

Posted: 9th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Drummey Run: Peaches Geldof Is Cumming Up For Air

HATS off to Peaches Geldof for defying all the naysayers who said her marriage to Max Drummey would not last two minutes.

News is that the marriage last six whole months.

Now we are familiar with the name M.A.X Dummy, Peaches is said to be on speaking terms with Donald Cumming.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment