Lily Allen Snowballs: How They Stare At The British Britney Spears

LILY Allen Watch: Lilly is over exposed, like Britney Spears. Says Lily Allen on GMTV.

“I don’t need publicity. It’s difficult as you want people to appreciate you for your music.”

So says Lily Allen, knicker flasher on GMTV (Glastonbury Music TV).

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Anorak

Posted: 3rd, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Amy Winehouse In Drugs Island, For The Record

AMY Winehouse is on the move. The Sun says Amy is going to Jamaica – “Isle of Druggies”.

The paper says it’s a change of scenery, as Amy swaps the turquoise waters and bougainvillea of St Lucia for a cracked ceiling in Kingston.

Culture Me: Jamaica is “The Caribbean island where illegal drugs are known to be widely available.”

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (36)

Understanding Snow With Ulrika Jonsson

ULRIKA Jonsson wins Celebrity Big Brother and so in well placed to wonder:

“How can a country that fought so valiantly in two World Wars be brought to its knees by snow?”

Ulrika asks the question of Sun readers. And while they wonder if the Germans are to blame, Ulrika talks:

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Anorak

Posted: 3rd, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Katie Andre And Pete Are A Sight For Sore Eyes

HARVEY Andre-Price-Yorke is in Amewika with mum Katie Price, her reduced Jordans and walking nightlight Pete Andre.

Harvey is pictured visiting the Junior Blind of America center.

He is pictured because Katie and Peter are with their camera crew, filming yet another queaf of their reality TV show.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Madonna and Jesus Make A Crotch Grab

ASKS the Daily Mail: Madonna poses for yet ANOTHER raunchy album picture, will she still be doing this at 70?

Says 14: “As an avid appreciator of absurdity, I sure hope so!”

Madonna grabbing her crotch is getting to the point where she looks like she fighting incontinence or a pelvis organ prolapse.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (12)

Twitty Milk And Emoticon: Erykah Badu’s Live Birth Twitter

TWEET. It’s singer Erykah Badu, lover to and rapper/producer Jay Electronica telling the world via twitter of their new daughter. Name: Emoticon. No, only joking. It’s Twitty Milk.

That may be an off-the-cuff joke. But when you’re dealing with celebrities who take themselves so seriously you cannot be certain. Just ask their other children: Seven and Puma.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jade Ewen Cry: My Time In Eurovison Is Limited

HOORAH for Jade Ewen, singer of My Time at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest in Moscow, Russia.

Ewen is backed by Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber (he writes the songs that’s tick in the head like a crossbow bolt) and a reality show (the BBC makes the brand).

William Hill is offering odds of 5/1 that My Time will come last and 16/1 that it will get ‘nul points’ and continue the fine tradition on British Eurovision agonists.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Double Helpings: My Life A Cheryl Cole’s LookaLike

MEET Cassie Robinson, a Cheryl Cole lookalike, who has “resorted to a severe crash diet in a bid to emulate the X-Factor star’s painfully thin looking frame – despite already being a slim size eight”.

So says the Mail, which says Robinson can earn £200-a-day in personal appearances as the Girls Aloud singer’s “perfect” body double.

Being a lookalike should be an easy job. Few of us ever see the real deal in the flesh and feel anything but disappointment.

The tabloid press spends the larger part of its organ telling readers how veiny, blotchy, fat, short, pale, boring, insecure and unattractive celebrities are. Being a look-alike is a doddle, you’d think – you just need to look refreshingly normal.

But the job is not without its problems, especially of the principal changes. Take Barry Hart, who in 1974 looked the spitting image of Michael Jackson. He now ekes out a living as “Little” Lenny Henry.

And then there is Molly Brittle, who became a dead ringer for the post-op Katie Price.

Miss Robinson needs to keep close watch on her muse. If Cole gets spot, then so must she. If Cole ladders her tights, ditto.

The Mirror says Cheryl is getting fit, “determined to pile on the pounds with a new junk-food diet”.

Cole is to climb Mouth Kilimanjaro in aid of Comic Relief. Cheryl weighs 8 stone, we learn, which is only two pounds lighter than the average climber’s wrists and a mere gram heavier than the boots Sir Edmund Hillary wore to mount Everest.

In readiness for the big climb, Cole is eating:

Breakfast: a full English after Weetabix or Crunchy Nut Cornflakes (how many is not said, but more than three is likely)
Lunch: pasta, yoghurt and fruit and protein shake
Dinner: steak, chips, spaghetti and chocolate cake or jam roly-poly
Snacks: donuts, Mars bars and nuts

Miss Robinson may well be at the Cash and Carry now, stocking up on the Cole diet in a binge to keep herself in work.

But take it easy – the going rate for a Beth Ditto double is less than £200, on account of that singer looking so much like most of us…

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lily Allen Is Violet Elizabeth Bott’s Britney Spears

LILY Allen Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at the UK leading jobbing celebrity. Today, Lily wears a pair of blue knickers on stage and pretends she’s Britney Spears.

Lily Allen is the multi-faceted star of her age, the epitome of celebrity. In today’s instalment of Lily Allen Watch, Lily is “Leggy Allen” on the Sun’s front page and “Frilly Allen” on the cover of the Daily Star.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (16)

Batman Star Christian Bale Is Kermit The Frog

CHRISTIAN Bale, the Batman star, is Kermit the Frog:

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Anorak

Posted: 1st, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Renee Zellweger Crushes Jimmy Carter’s Dry Roasted Nuts

RENEE Zellweger says: “I have a crush on Jimmy Carter … He’s all good things”.

She has crush on the old peanut seller. Crushed nuts. Nuts.

Says she:

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Anorak

Posted: 1st, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

10 Naked Amy Winehouse Facts

PSST! Wanna see Amy Winehouse naked? Wanna see Amy Winehouse naked an playing scrabble.

If you do rearrange the following letters in the manner of a Rachel Riley conundrum:

E, YES MY

10 Amy Winehouse Facts

Anorak

Posted: 1st, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Suzanne Somers Faces Down Oprah’s Foreskin

VAGINA gazing on the Oprah Winfrey show. Today Oprah is gazing upon Suzanne Summers’ vagina:

She begins with rubbing a syringe of estrogen on one arm, every day. For two weeks out of the month, she rubs progesterone on the other. After that, she injects estriol vaginally, which she graciously spared the audience from watching. But it doesn’t end there.

Injecting your vagina to cure turkey neck?

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Anorak

Posted: 31st, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

American Idol’s Ryan Seacrest To Be Vice President Of USA

AMERICAN Idol grinner Ryan Seacrest to become the Vice President of the United States:

Anorak

Posted: 31st, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

American Idol: Simon Cowell And Paula Abdul’s Names Are Mudd In Kentucky

TO the carpeted hotel lobby that is the American Idol Louisville audition suite where failed wannabe Mike Mudd turns to the judges and says, “Take care and be careful” on his way out the door.

Threat. The Idol judges go into recoil mode. Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell take it as a threat. Abdul reacts:

“You don’t say that to people, ‘Be careful.’ That’s just not a normal thing to say.”

Anorak

Posted: 30th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Thieves Get Clean Away From Amy Winehouse’s House

AMY Winehouse’s house has been “ransacked”. Or did she leave it like that before she went to bed? It is unlikely that the villains will have gotten clean away. (Winehouse house house.)

Anorak

Posted: 30th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Got Wood: Rachel Wood Will Not Shag Daddy Mickey Rourke

RACHEL Wood is considering the ambulatory punch in the mouth that is Mickey Rourke.

She tells Rolling Stone:

“I’m upset because I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that you can take advantage of me. It’s unfair that the performances might suffer because of all of these distractions. I’m not attracted to him, he’s too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will.”

Anorak

Posted: 30th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

The Eurovison Wars: Spain’s Attack On Cliff Richard, The British Elvis

“DID Franco’s Spain rig Eurovision and cheat Cliff Richard out of a win?” asks the Daily Mail’s David Wigg.

Cliff, who has enjoyed hits in three millennia, has outlived bigger foes than General Franco. But can it be that the Spanish dictator fixed it so that Cliff’s Congratulations! lost the Tepid War of Eurovision by a single point to Spain’s Massiel’s forgettable La La La?

Anorak

Posted: 30th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)

Pilot James Blunt Says Stay Grounded With Emma Thompson

SINGER James Blunt has created a protest “paper plane” in support of the Stay Grounded campaign.

Later this month, which is the heaviest flight-booking month of the year, we’re going to ask people to Stay Grounded and avoid booking or taking a flight if they can. To do this, we’re going to launch a collection of Protest Paper Planes in London created by talented famous people and talented normal people alike. Each paper plane will be a folded up sheet of A4 artwork with a brilliant piece of anti-flying or pro-flying alternative artwork on it.

When they are not swimming and walking around the world promoting their careers, James Franco, Emma Thompson and the aforesaid Blunt are telling other people not to fly on airplanes.

Blunt’s father, a Colonel in the British Army Air Corps, was a military helicopter pilot.

Blunt is a member of Harrow Aviation Club. Says he: “I can fly anything with a single engine.”

Blunt earned his pilot’s licence, aged 16.

Take it up, up, up and away, James:

Yes, she caught my eye,
As I walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don’t think that I’ll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Jonathan Ross Is Well-Hung, Badly Drawn And Three-Quartered

JONATHAN Ross – “Smug Ross” – has been “hit by 25% pay cut”.

Or, to paraphrase the man: “His wages have been circumcised.”

Ross is quarter less the man he as, reports the Mail. He is 25% less funny (is that possible, Mail readers?), 25% less likeable (???) and there are 25% less reasons to lament his BBC wage (!).

And he will now shag (fag packet out; pencil nib licked….) 60-year-olds on garden swings (!o!).

Anorak

Posted: 29th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Lily Allen Watch: In The Bed Of The Beast The One-Eyed Man Is King

IN today’s Lily Allen Watch, the UK’s foremost jobbing celebrity will spice up a slow news day by telling Sun readers:

“My lovers are terrified of me.”

Why’s that then, Lily?

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Anorak

Posted: 29th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Paris Hilton Finds Talent In Britain’s George Sampson

THAT is Paris Hilton kissing George Sampson, bendy-legged winner of Britain’s Got Talent.

Paris has a hand on her hip. The other hand is out of shot. George has one hand around her waist. hos other hand is out of shot. George is smiling, wanly. Paris is closing her eyes and kissing the 15-year-old on the cheek.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Celobama: Ashlee Simpson On Obama’s Change Of Weight

ASHLEE Simpson is using her blog and sister Jessica Simpson’s arse to put Barack Obama in perspective.

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister’s weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure as a headline on Fox News. All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you’re a celebrity, there shouldn’t be a different standard.

Oh, yes it does:

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Anorak

Posted: 28th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Ashley Judd Feels Obama’s Change

ACTRESS Ashley Judd is 40th birthday luncheon for NARAL Pro-Choice America at the Hilton Washington.

Judd is giong to tlaka bot babies and Obama. bybeeees. Obvamaaaaahhhhh. Says she:

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Anorak

Posted: 28th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jade Goody, The Hoody And A Blow For Golf Equality

TOP news on the Mirror and Sun’s covers is that a convicted thug has been released early. And if that’s not enough, he’s been getting off with Jade Goody, The Hoody.

“My Jack is back,” announces the Mirror. This is “Jade’s Joy.” Inside and its “SMACKER JACK” as Jade lands one on her man. No not a punch to the throat, but a kiss on the lips.

In a gesture of support, Jack Tweed is wearing a hoody as he leaves HMP Wayland in Norfolk, having served time for attacking a teenager with a golf club.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)