What Noel Gallagher Wants For Christmas

OASIS rent-a-quote Noel Gallagher asked Santa for Christmas:

“I’d like an iPhone, a laptop, a new haircut and a Christmas card that didn’t say fucking Noel on the front. That would be fucking nice. Just one year. I always get this shit, right. And people go, ‘Did you get my card?’ And you go, ‘I dunno, which one was that?’ ‘Oh, you must’ve seen it. It had Noel written on the front.’ ‘Really, and how many of those do you think I get?’ That’s right. All of them. They all end up at my fuckin’ house. ‘Oh, there’s a card with my name on it, brilliant. That’s from my parents. I’ll thank them again for that.’ Fuckin’ pair of idiots.”

Spotter

Anorak

Posted: 30th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Paris Hilton Follows Brown and Rudd’s Orders To Spend, Spend Spend

GORDON Brown says “spend!”.

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd says “spend quickly” and thus “create more jobs across Australia and strengthen the Australian economy”.

Paris Hilton flies to Melbourne and spends $5,560 on dresses in under an hour.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Celebrity Update: Mariah Carey Still Not Pregnant

FOX News has the latest on Mariah Carey:

Mariah Carey Still Not Pregnant

Breaking…

Anorak

Posted: 29th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jennifer Lopez To Divorce In Song

THE Gatecrasher site says that onalentine Day’s, Jennifer Lopez will join Marc Antony on stage at Madison Square Garden, NY, and sing a farewell duet together and announce their divorce.

A divorce duet?

A friend of JLo’s says:

“Jennifer is planning on joining Marc onstage for a surprise duet. Things haven’t been right for a while now, and they thought it would be a bittersweet.“

Anorak

Posted: 29th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

U2 Drummer Splits With Bono

U2 drummer Larry Mullen Jr watches Mr G9, Bono, and tells magazine:

“Tony Blair is a war criminal and I think he should be tried as a war criminal. Then I see Bono and him as pals and I’m going, ‘I don’t like that’.”

Understatement is all. And Bono and Blair are so well suited. But Mullen Jr realises that Bono is…

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 29th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Tom Crusie Wants To Create An Army Of Suri

TOM Cruise tells the Sun:

“I want ten children. I love kids. I feel really fortunate to have the teenagers and a two and a half-year-old. It’s a great dynamic.”

The Sun hears Tom says of his daughter Suri, the protoype:

“She’s so charming, she’s so beautiful, she’s just great.”

Anorak

Posted: 29th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lily Allen Watch: Angelina Jolie’s Good Head, Longoria’s Pregnant And Jon Ferguson Cox Mohr

LILY Allen Watch: Anorak’s look at the day’s top/ most pointless celebrity news stories, with Eva Longoria, Angelina Jolie andJon Ferguson Cox Moh

Says Desperate Housewives’ star Eva Longaria: “We can’t wait to start a family. I’m so excited about that chapter in our lives and you’ll know what it happens.”

Anorak

Posted: 28th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Gordon Ramsay Eats Himself

SAYS non-celebrity TV celebrity chef Marco Pierre White of panicky TV celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay: “If he was chocolate, he’d eat himself.”

As you can see, Ramsay unavailable for comment but if you put your ear to the picture you might hear a muffled “Fugme”.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Katherine Jenkins Gets More Than She Bargained For At Harrod’s

“SHAME on Katherine” chant the protestors as Katherine Jenkins arrives by horse-drawn carriage to open the Harrod’s sale.

Leona Lewis reportedly refused to open the sale because of Harrods’ policy of selling fur, so Jenkins stepped in. Although, Ms Jenkins is being followed by a group of bagpipe players, and the dangers of that are self-evident.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Lily Allen Watch, With Brad Pitt, Gary Lineker, P Diddy And Amy Winehouse

LILY Allen Watch: Anorak’s look at the day’s top/ most pointless celebrity news stories, with Gary Lineker, P Diddy, Brad Pitt and Amy Winehouse 

GARY LINEKER leads the way as a family man — completing his clan with a puppy.  The former England striker, 48, took the golden labrador on a Christmas stroll with fiancée DANIELLE BUX, 29 – Gordon Smart, The Sun

Anorak

Posted: 27th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

A Declaration Before Tea Is Better Than Sex With Mrs Harold Pinter

A POEM ON HAROLD Pinter, who is dead and not all that lamented. Exit stage left.

In a final interview conducted in at his North London home in late October, and published just a day after his death was announced, he reveals his passion for cricket.

He once famously described the game the “greatest thing that God created on earth” which was better than sex.

And that’s his wife’s memory of him – watching a slow off breaker was better than shagging your wife. 

The one lament is that Pinter was lined up to star in Celebrity Big Brother, and that his part will now go to Anthea Turner…

Anorak

Posted: 27th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Marco Pierre White And Piers Morgan Serve Up A Treat

PIERS Morgan is in conversation with Marco Pierre White for GQ magazine. What follows is a self-service buffet of syrup, fat and bloated ego that reading it risks clogging the arteries.

Fortunately for you, Old Mr Anorak has arteries made of titanium and the best bits taken from the embryos of baby turtles. Dim the lights. Table for two.

Panaché of langoustines and pork belly with a purée of carrots

PM: “I’ve known Marco Pierre White for 14 years and I’ve enjoyed some extraordinary nights with him. The kinds of nights you never forget…the ones you tell your wide-eyed grandchildren…”

What did you do in the restaurant, grandpa Piers..?

Anorak

Posted: 27th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

All I Want For Britney Spears Is A New Head

BRITNEY Spears wants all of us to have a Merry Christmas.

We just want her to get her head straight – literally…

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lily Allen Watch Does Madonna, Fern Cotton, Mary Kate Olsen, Pamela Anderson, Pete Wentz and Britney Spears

LILY Allen Watch: Anorak’s look at the day’s top/ most pointless celebrity news stories, with Madonna, Fern Cotton, Mary Kate Olsen, Pamela Anderson, Pete Wentz and Britney Spears

“I hang out with much older people. I go for dinners at posh places and talk about art” – Gordon Smart, Sun

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Peaches Geldof’s Traditional Christmas

PEACHES Geldof wishes to tell us:

“It’s traditional for me to be at my dad’s house with my family.”

The Sun tells readers that Peaches’ husband – aka her “family” – one Max Drummey, will be staying with “his own relatives”.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Brad and Angelina’s Children Banned From Watching Toy Ads

IN Hello!, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are delivering their Christmas message about how Joseph adopted baby Jesus and didn’t mind that the kid was of a different faith.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Strictly Come Dancing Judges Hacked Off

PRO-Celebrity dance was always a rough game, but that it should come to this: “DANCE JUDGES ALL AXED.”

If any celebrity or judge was going to lose their heads it would surely be an agonist on Dancing on Ice, the only reality TV show the Taliban will watch.

Injuries thus far on Strictly Come Dancing have been reserved to pride, until now.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Pop Star Admits To Liking ‘Attractive’ George Bush, Police Alerted

NEWS in the Express that Pete Townsend, formerly of The Who, has met with the outgoing president George Bush and his fragrant (eau de Lucky Strikes) wife Laura.

Says Townsend:

They are a “very attractive couple” and “made us feel properly welcome. I really like him.”

A rock star who likes Bush? What madness is this?

The only thing left for Mr Townsend is to say how he was only pretending to like Bush for research purposes before he hauled off to the cells…

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

The Marlon Brando Proof House, On QVC

NEW is that Marlon Brando once tried to score a job on QVC, aka PVC, the TV shopping channel shocks Sun readers.

An Alice Marchak has written a book about her life with Brando and it features the gem (an Epiphany Platinum Clad Diamonique SS Dual Cut Anniversary ring gem, for the records):

“He wanted to sell a product on the shopping channel QVC, possibly earthquakeproof houses or imported silk.”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

I Am the Paulrus: Electric Arguments With John Lennon

QUEUES are forming outside HMV is London’s Oxford Street for Paul McCartney’s new album.

Electric Arguments is by “The Fireman”, who we a told is “Macca’s not-so-secret musical guise”.

Of course, this is not Macca’s only musical alter ego, and many will recall him as “John Lennon”, the driving force behind the Beatles…

“I am the Paulrus,” is what he used to say.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Michael Jackson’s Message To Adolescent Boys

“JACKO needs lung swap,” announces the Sun.

Readers may wonder what the king of pop wants to swap a lung for. Times are hard for Jackson and cash remains one option, although not paid in sterling, obviously.

Others possible swaps include:

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (13)

Rachel’s Strictly Coming Dancing X Factor

HAVING lost the final of pro-celebrity dance–off Strictly Come Dancing, the one thing left for Rachel Stevens to do is cry.

Sun readers learn that boyfriend Alex Bourne whisked her way from the scene so she could shed her tears in private, and then tell Sun readers all about them:

“Everything was too much. I bawled – I was a blubbering wreck.”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Robbie Williams To Compete On X Factor

THAT Robbie Williams wants back into the UK seems clear as we’ve already read stories on how the former dancer with Take That wants to join the X Factor – one part of Simon Cowell’s “dream panel” of himself and Cheryl Cole (tabloid Telegraph) and that he is “desperate” to take part in Strictly Come Dancing (Daily Mirror).

With Dancing On Ice missing waiting for a nod, Williams is on the cover of the Sun, “keeping vigil for his mum after she underwent major heart surgery”.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Cha-Cha For Now: Tom Holby Wins Strictly Come Dancing

THE year in review will pivot on whether or not John Sergeant should have waltzed off with the Strictly Come Dancing snow globe and night light.

Pro-celebrity ballroom is a ruthless game, and history will its judge.

The People screams for its front page: “Strictly The Final Feud.” It’s a row told in bullet points:

* “Rivals’ bitter silence before show.”
* “Screaming row behind scenes.”

A screaming silence! It’s all or nothing in frontline ballroom.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Kate Moss To Judge On The X Factor

WE join Kate Moss’s guttering old flame Pete Doherty in the recording studio where his arm has exploded.

So, as the story goes, Doherty is whisked off to hospital to have his corduroy arm put back together.

Budding wannabes on TV talent shows need to take note on how you can be a no-hit wonder and still be a pop star.

Vital stuff, as news reaches us, via the Croydon Guardian, that Kate Moss is been lined up as a new judge on the X Factor.

The paper says that Simon Cowell is keen to hire the model to drive ratings higher. But what musical experience does her Kateness have?

Anorak

Posted: 19th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)