Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Jessica Simpson And Beyonce Model The Celebrity Army Uniform
WHEN the celebrity army is fully gathered and ready to wage terrible war, this is what they’ll be wearing:
As modelled by Jessica Simpson (tank division) Beyonce (Logistics) and Eliza Dushku (infantry)…
Posted: 19th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Cliff Richard To Get Mobile Memorial In Wimbledon’s Centre Court
SIR Cliff Richard is not dead, but one day he might be.
Says Cliff:
“There is a family plot where my father and mother are buried but I have been assured that when I do pass on a lot of fans will want to pay homage to me and visit my grave, so that family plot might not be suitable.”
Adding:
“Perhaps I should think of a last resting place that is more accessible to people.”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 19th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (10)
Something Gordon Brown For GMTV’s Fiona Phillips Of The Lost Baubles
FIONA Phillips is retired from her sofa job on GMTV and Gordon Brown, that non-celebrity celebrity, steps in to offer a few words on the TV presentuh.
The Mirror, where Phillips will continue to appear as a nodding head, features a shot of its columnist reading the Mirror on her way to the sofa and the words of the Supreme Leader:
“Congratulations on being a great star.”
A farewell message from X-Factor hopeful Gordon Brown (vote for me) amid those from the Beckhams, Frank Lampard, Kate Winslet, Donny Osmond, Bruce Forsyth and Girls Aloud. Brown’s peer group.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 19th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Nicole Kidman Play Didgeridoo In London Schools
FOLLOWING news that tight-faced actress Nicole Kidman has turned barren after playing the didgeridoo, the Daily Mail wonders if it time the ruling Labour elite made playing the instrument compulsory in all inner city academies, juvenile detention centres and branches of Primark.
Says the editorial:
“As part of the Great British Commonwealth of all the nations, Australia has offered us much: Rolf Harris, bar staff and no less than two Minogues. Now they once again take the lead on cultural matters. Advance Australia Fair.”
Hurrah!
Posted: 18th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Jeremy Piven Launches Career As A French Themometer
JEREMY Piven has ended his run in Broadway’s “Speed-the-Plow,” citing a condition attributable to a high mercury count.
Says David Mamet, who wrote the showbiz satire:
“I talked to Jeremy on the phone, and he told me that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury. So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.”
A French one.
Posted: 18th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Ksenia Sukhinova Continues To Flag For Serbia
MORE news on Ksenia Sukhinova, the Russian Miss World that Russia does not want, or would at least like to loan to an old ally.
Having waved the Serbian flag in her victory strut, Mr Sukhinova (an outreach worker for Grab Madoff and Dikshit), arrives at the airport and waves a… Serbian flag.
Does Serbia need the support? Are no Serbian women up to it, they a nation of hatchet-faced boilers who would rather boil a chicken than save the world with bikini string?
Unless, of course, Miss Sukhinova holds dual nationality, or is Serbian and it is the Russians who need the PR..?
Posted: 18th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Richard Hammond Is Roy Castle’s Son?
A READER writes on Richard Hammond and memories for his dad, the late Roy Castle:
Dear Anorak,
I am delighted that Rod Castle’s son, Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond, has made a full recovery from his televised car crash – a record, I think. (Over to you, Norris?)
I only pray that he will now give up smoking and make his father truly proud…
Amen to that.
Posted: 18th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Lily Allen Watch: Donna Air And Wii
LILY Allen Watch: Anorak’s look at the day’s top/ most pointless celebrity news stories, with: Donna Air:
Anroak has revived the best press release for soem time. TV presentuh Donna Air introduces not only her daughter Freya but also to a secret:
Hope this might be of interest for a news piece – pictures and quotes from TV star Donna Air about how she is a secret High School Musical addict!
There are pictures to support the shocker.
The Woman Herself: Lily Allen:
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 18th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Khloe Kardashian Is Peta’s Dumb Animal Of The Month
KHLOE Kardashian poses for Peta with a hint of side boob, a top of builder’s cleft and the message that she would rather go naked than wear fur.
If it were minus 25 degrees she wold rather go naked than wear fur. She should steer clear of Las Vegas, where the snow’s are a-blowin’.
This is picture of Khloe Kardashian in March at the Scandinavian Style Mansion show in Hollywood.
It’s c-c-c-c-cold in there. Best put on a coat. But which one, there are so many to choose from…
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 18th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Camilla Mounts Olympia
CAMILLA, Duchess of Cornwall, beams widely as she meets a fan at the Olympia horse show…
Posted: 18th, December 2008 | In: Caption Competition, Celebrities | Comments (26)
Jade Goody’s Cancer Car
CANCER Diagnoses makes good telly. And the wet face of the inflicted is Jade Goody’s.
Let’s be clear that this is not Jade’s fault but that of cynical media that can turn any private event into public theatre.
Cancer is now a celebrity issue. And Jade, as a jobbing celeb, sees it as her job to do cancer interviews, cancer tears, cancer book, more cancer tears and now bring news of her cancer car.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 18th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Crunch Break: Coronation Street Stars Told To Eat On Camera
TOUGH times at ITV where Coronation Street’s players are being denied free use of the burger bus.
It’s the “CREDIT LUNCH”, says the Star. The “Corrie Munch Crunch,” says the Sun.
Of course, soaps are an extension of what for many passes for real life, and while the news is grim for the jobbing across, Betty is advised to go long of lamb and Roy’s Rolls is looking to expand into event catering…
Posted: 18th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Snow Orange: Peter Andre and Jordan’s Christmas Panto
IT’S panto time in the Jordan-Andre household – Oh, yes it is! – and OK! readers get to play along and guess which panto the happy gamily are putting on. Is it..?
Pussy in boots
Jack and the acorn
Snow Orange
Sinderalla
Dick Whittington
While you work that one out, OK! brings news that Katy and Peter will soon be leaving us for life in a “gated community with Britney Spears”. It’s like a celebrity cage fight, in which the protagonists are painted in easy-to-see orange and thus made visible day and night.
Oh yes it is!
Here comes Pete now. No need for Rudolph as Pete’s neon nose, eyelids, cheeks, torso and teeth light the way ahead. Peter’s dressed up as Santa Claus.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 17th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Riling Peter Falk Til He Snaps
NEWS all over the press that Peter Falk., TV’s Columbo, is suffering from Alzheimer’s.
The Mail does its bit and notes:
Catherine Falk says her father is so ill he is not competent enough to run his own life and needs full-time custodial care. The distraught daughter said yesterday that the 81-year-old ‘does not always recognise familiar people, places and things’ and ‘is unable to bathe himself or care for his clothing’.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 17th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)
Princess Diana Returns To Finger Phil In Winston Raid
WITH Madeleine McCann no longer front-page news and Jill Dando, Baby P and Anthea Turner all exhausted, is it time to restore Princess Diana to front-page prominence?
The Star beings “Minder Di claim”, news that “the CIA has proof Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed were assassinated by British agents.”
It’s all based on the words of Richard Bryant, who worked as Mohammed AL Fayed’s minder for 12 years.
“We’ve seen reports from the CIA,” says he.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 17th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Lady Dalai Lama: Sir Paul McCartney Takes Over Buddhism
SIR Paul McCartney is “riffing” on life as a vegetarian, life as the driving force of the Beatles Political Party and how he wrote the lyrics to all the Beatles best songs, tunes like Baby You can Drive My Cab, Back In The CCCP and Farthing Lane.
(Image: Beau Bo D’Or website)
Sir Paul’s sole regret is that John Lennon is not here to agree.
Now Sir Paul is reminding the Dalai Lama what it is to be a Buddhist and how wrong it is to eat meat.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 17th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)
100 Greatest Living Geniuses: Osama And Bill Gates Tie
THE top 100 living geniuses according to the, er, geniuses, at Creators Synectics, a global consultantncy outfit.
The list is the result of a survey of 4,000 Britons in the summer of 2007.
Marks out of 10 for: paradigm shifting; popular acclaim; intellectual power; achievement and cultural importance.
Apparently bin Laden could have written windows:
| 1= | Albert Hoffman | (Swiss) | Chemist | 27 |
| 1= | Tim Berners-Lee | (British) | Computer Scientist | 27 |
| 3 | George Soros | (American) | Investor & Philanthropist | 25 |
| 4 | Matt Groening | (American) | Satirist & Animator | 24 |
| 5= | Nelson Mandela | (South African) | Politician & Diplomat | 23 |
| 5= | Frederick Sanger | (British) | Chemist | 23 |
| 7= | Dario Fo | (Italian) | Writer & Dramatist | 22 |
| 7= | Steven Hawking | (British) | Physicist | 22 |
| 9= | Oscar Niemeyer | (Brazilian) | Architect | 21 |
| 9= | Philip Glass | (American) | Composer | 21 |
| 9= | Grigory Perelman | (Russian) | Mathematician | 21 |
| 12= | Andrew Wiles | (British) | Mathematician | 20 |
| 12= | Li Hongzhi | (Chinese) | Spiritual Leader | 20 |
| 12= | Ali Javan | (Iranian) | Engineer | 20 |
| 15= | Brian Eno | (British) | Composer | 19 |
| 15= | Damian Hirst | (British) | Artist | 19 |
| 15= | Daniel Tammet | (British) | Savant & Linguist | 19 |
| 18 | Nicholson Baker | (American | Writer | 18 |
| 19 | Daniel Barenboim | (N/A) | Musician | 17 |
| 20= | Robert Crumb | (American) | Artist | 16 |
| 20= | Richard Dawkins | (British) | Biologist and philosopher | 16 |
| 20= | Larry Page & Sergey Brin | (American) | Publishers | 16 |
| 20= | Rupert Murdoch | (American) | Publisher | 16 |
| 20= | Geoffrey Hill | (British) | Poet | 16 |
| 25 | Garry Kasparov | (Russian) | Chess Player | 15 |
| 26= | The Dalai Lama | (Tibetan) | Spiritual Leader | 14 |
| 26= | Steven Spielberg | (American) | Film maker | 14 |
| 26= | Hiroshi Ishiguro | (Japanese) | Roboticist | 14 |
| 26= | Robert Edwards | (British) | Pioneer of IVF treatment | 14 |
| 26= | Seamus Heaney | (Irish) | Poet | 14 |
| 31 | Harold Pinter | (British) | Writer & Dramatist | 13 |
| 32= | Flossie Wong-Staal | (Chinese) | Bio-technologist | 12 |
| 32= | Bobby Fischer | (American) | Chess Player | 12 |
| 32= | Prince | (American) | Musician | 12 |
| 32= | Henrik Gorecki | (Polish) | Composer | 12 |
| 32= | Avram Noam Chomski | (American) | Philosopher & linguist | 12 |
| 32= | Sebastian Thrun | (German) | Probabilistic roboticist | 12 |
| 32= | Nima Arkani Hamed | (Canadian) | Physicist | 12 |
| 32= | Margaret Turnbull | (American) | Astrobiologist | 12 |
| 40= | Elaine Pagels | (American) | Historian | 11 |
| 40= | Enrique Ostrea | (Philippino) | Pediatrics & neonatology | 11 |
| 40= | Gary Becker | (American) | Economist | 11 |
| 43= | Mohammed Ali | (American) | Boxer | 10 |
| 43= | Osama Bin Laden | (Saudi) | Islamicist | 10 |
| 43= | Bill Gates | (American) | Businessman | 10 |
| 43= | Philip Roth | (American) | Writer | 10 |
| 43= | James West | (American) | Invented the foil electrical microphone | 10 |
| 43= | Tuan Vo-Dinh | (Vietnamese) | Bio-Medical Scientist | 10 |
| 49= | Brian Wilson | (American) | Musician | 9 |
| 49= | Stevie Wonder | (American) | Singer songwriter | 9 |
| 49= | Vint Cerf | (American) | Computer scientist | 9 |
| 49= | Henry Kissinger | (American) | Diplomat and politician | 9 |
| 49= | Richard Branson | (British) | Publicist | 9 |
| 49= | Pardis Sabeti | (Iranian) | Biological anthropologist | 9 |
| 49= | Jon de Mol | (Dutch) | Television producer | 9 |
| 49= | Meryl Streep | (American) | Actress | 9 |
| 49= | Margaret Attwood | (Canadian) | Writer | 9 |
| 58= | Placido Domingo | (Spanish) | Singer | 8 |
| 58= | John Lasseter | (American) | Digital Animator | 8 |
| 58= | Shunpei Yamazaki | (Japanese) | Computer scientist & physicist | 8 |
| 58= | Jane Goodall | (British) | Ethologist & Anthropologist | 8 |
| 58= | Kirti Narayan Chaudhuri | (Indian) | Historian | 8 |
| 58= | John Goto | (British) | Photographer | 8 |
| 58= | Paul McCartney | (British) | Musician | 8 |
| 58= | Stephen King | (American) | Writer | 8 |
| 58= | Leonard Cohen | (Canadian) | Poet & musician | 8 |
| 67= | Aretha Franklin | (American) | Musician | 7 |
| 67= | David Bowie | (British) | Musician | 7 |
| 67= | Emily Oster | (American) | Economist | 7 |
| 67= | Steve Wozniak | (American) | Engineer and co-founder of Apple Computers | 7 |
| 67= | Martin Cooper | (American) | Inventor of the cell phone | 7 |
| 72= | George Lucas | (American) | Film maker | 6 |
| 72= | Niles Rogers | (American) | Musician | 6 |
| 72= | Hans Zimmer | (German) | Composer | 6 |
| 72= | John Williams | (American) | Composer | 6 |
| 72= | Annette Baier | (New Zealander) | Philosopher | 6 |
| 72= | Dorothy Rowe | (British) | Psychologist | 6 |
| 72= | Ivan Marchuk | (Ukrainian) | Artist & sculptor | 6 |
| 72= | Robin Escovado | (American) | Composer | 6 |
| 72= | Mark Dean | (American) | Inventor & computer scientist | 6 |
| 72= | Rick Rubin | (American) | Musician & producer | 6 |
| 72= | Stan Lee | (American) | Publisher | 6 |
| 83= | David Warren | (Australian) | Engineer | 5 |
| 83= | Jon Fosse | (Norwegian) | Writer & dramatist | |
| 83= | Gjertrud Schnackenberg | (American) | Poet | 5 |
| 83= | Graham Linehan | (Irish) | Writer & dramatist | 5 |
| 83= | JK Rowling | (British) | Writer | 5 |
| 83= | Ken Russell | (British) | Film maker | 5 |
| 83= | Mikhail Timofeyevich Kalashnikov | (Russian) | Small arms designer | 5 |
| 83= | Erich Jarvis | (American) | Neurobiologist | 5 |
| 91=. | Chad Varah | (British) | Founder of Samaritans | 4 |
| 91= | Nicolas Hayek | (Swiss) | Businessman and founder of Swatch | 4 |
| 91= | Alastair Hannay | (British) | Philosopher | 4 |
| 94= | Patricia Bath | (American) | Ophthalmologist | |
| 94= | Thomas A. Jackson | (American) | Aerospace engineer | 3 |
| 94= | Dolly Parton | (American) | Singer | 3 |
| 94= | Morissey | (British) | Singer | 3 |
| 94= | Michael Eavis | (British) | Organiser of Glastonbury | 3 |
| 94= | Ranulph Fiennes | (British) | Adventurer | 3 |
| 100=. | Quentin Tarantino | (American) | Filmmaker | 2 |
Spotter: MK
Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
How Simon Cowell killed Christmas
There are many reasons to hate The X Factor, many of which are well-known. Like Louis Walsh, the theme weeks, the made-up arguments between the judges to court press attention, the collusion of the press in the made-up arguments between the judges to court press attention, Louis Walsh, everyone banging on about it being “their dream”, the schmaltzy song selections, the baffling popularity of hobbits (see Ray Quinn, Eoghan Quigg), Louis Walsh, the absurdly portentous contestant intros…
*deep breath*
Like the way every single comment that comes out of Simon Cowell’s mouth is seemingly meant to make viewers vote (and thus pour money into his bank account), providing paid employment for Dannii Minogue, the insistence on cutting all songs down while also inserting a Westlife-style chord change moment, the relentless fucking crying, the way they cruelly dumped Poor Kate Thornton…
(Actually, that’s a plus point. But it’s the only one)
You get the picture. Oh, and did I mention Louis Walsh? But there are two reasons to especially loathe this series of The X Factor, and they’re both festive. Well, sort of.
The first is the choice of single for this year’s winner. They’re doing Hallelujah – essentially a cover of the Jeff Buckley version.
Now, I’m no indie zealot, but I sometimes wish the music industry could nick an idea from the NFL – the American Football people. Teams there retire certain squad numbers when a legendary player retires – they retire the jersey.
Songs should get the same treatment – they should be retired when someone’s recorded the definitive version, if only so Simon Cowell can’t slap a string section, gospel choir and chord change onto them ever. Hallelujah would be a stone-cold candidate for being retired after Buckley’s version – with some kind of bye for Leonard Cohen, obviously.
Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah makes people cry. The X Factor winner’s version will make the same people cry more, I predict.
But the second reason to loathe The X Factor is the way it’s killed Christmas. By which I mean destroyed the traditional fun and frolics around which song will be Christmas Number One here in the UK.
It used to be a huge deal, no matter how little a shit you gave about the charts for the other 51 weeks of the year. Okay, so you might have pretended you were more excited about John Peel’s Festive 50, but that didn’t stop you being in front of the box on Christmas Day to see who’d taken top slot. Even when it was Cliff.
The X Factor has destroyed that. Killed it stone dead. Every year, the X Factor winner is the de facto Christmas Number One. The bookmakers come up with odds on other songs, but there’s really no contest. A magical moment in music has been thoroughly stomped under Simon Cowell’s jackboot. Or whatever he wears that goes with those trousers.
The X Factor has killed Christmas.
There’s a way it can make amends, of course. Next year, shift the final to Christmas Day, and have the winner’s single go on sale the next day. It’ll still sell a shitload of copies, but the Christmas Number One will be open to all again.
They won’t do it, though. They’ll probably have the winner cover Radiohead’s Street Spirit, just to rub it in. Then we’ll be really angry…
Originally published at our sister site popjunkietv.com
Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Father Christmas: Santa And Sinitta Meet Simon Cowell
SIMON Cowell is on the cover of Hello!
“SIMON COWELL AND SINITTA PREPARE FOR A FAMILY CHRISTMAS TOGETHER,” says the caption.
The picture shows Cowell sat alongside three children and Sinitta, singer of 1980s Longley Hearts advert So Macho, and Santa Claus.
No great shock to learn that Cowell is related to Santa, doubtless supplying the bearded one with the latest cover versions of past seasonal hits to spice up stockings and pillow cases.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Sinderella Danielle Lloyd’s Giant Pumpkin
HAPPY birthday Danielle Lloyd. Come in number 25, your time is now.
Not that Dani looks a day older than 24 – testament to the preservative powers of Dani’s daily dip in a vat of Ronseal sunset orange.
Inside the Star and Dani is kissing faces in Faces, one of Essex’s leading nightspots.
There’s Dani flashing her frilly knickers. There’s Dani flashing her pumped up cleavage. There’s Dani dressed as a slutty Sinderella playing with a chap’s buttons.
And – get this – she’s only gone and lost her shoes, just like the real Cinders!
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Iraq Rejoices As Angelina Jolie Pregnant With Twins
ANGELINA Jolie is “gearing up for another set of twins”. So says the National Enquirer in “TWINS AGAIN!”
The even better news is that she’s chosen to give birth in Iraq, and that means a no-fly zone over heard, just like in Namibia.
While peaceniks celebrate, the Enquirer tells of “secret fertility treatments”, perhaps manifest in the recent growth sighted on Brad Pitt’s testosterone-fuelled top lip.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Eoghan Quigg Is And Orville Duck Whittington
EOGHAN?
Yes.
Eoghan Quigg?
Yes.
Who issssss-ah yur veeeeeeery bearrrrrst fri-eeeee-i-end?
You are, Diana Vickers.
No longer. The Star brings the font-page news that ex X Factor screecher Diana has dumped ex X Factor Eoghan “FOR CHRISTMAS”. They are the ex-X Factor exes.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Guy Ritche Turns Nothing Into £50million
MADONNA’S spokeswoman says the singer has settled with ex-husband Guy Ritchie for between 50 and 60 million pounds ($76 million to $92 million) as part of their divorce agreement.
She says the figure includes the value of the couple’s country home Ashcombe in western England.
Here’s what the pundits have been saying:
MADONNA is handing Guy Ritchie a £32 million divorce pay-off, the News of the World can reveal. – NOTW
‘It was never about the money’: Guy Ritchie will get just £10million from Madonna in divorce settlement – Daily Mail
Madonna was desperate to paint Guy as a cor-blimey gold-digger just so she could look like the wronged woman. But for the first time in her life Madonna has failed to get exactly what she wants. If anyone has come out of this divorce smelling of roses it’s Geezer Guy – lock, stock and two smoking barrels – Daily Mirror
She’s got £300m, he’s got £30m, but…the Guy doesn’t want a penny – The Sun
Guy Ritchie is expected to take not a penny from Madonna in an effort to avoid unseemly public wrangling over their divorce. – The Times
And so on…
Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Al Gore Says Paris Hilton Will Disappear In Five Years
AL Gore, leader of the Al Goreans, knows all. He can see into the future. On December 15th 2013 there will no ice on they poles. Fact! In 2014 Chad will be cooler than Florida. Fact!
Can it be stopped? As it happens it can be. Says Gore:
The political systems of the developed world have become sclerotic. We have to overcome the paralysis that has prevented us from acting and focus clearly and unblinkingly on this crisis rather than spending so much time on OJ Simpson, Paris Hilton and Anna Nicole Smith.”
The good news is that OJ is in jail and Anna Nicole Smith is dead.
That leaves Paris Hilton standing between us and the end of the planet.
Can she be killed in time? Will her mojito be the last cold thing on Earth? Will life on Earth become as hot as Paris says it is?
Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Van Halen’s M&Ms Rider In Full
THE Smoking Gun website has uneathed the famous Van Halen tour rider in which is was “stipulated that brown M&M’s were to be banished from the band’s dressing room”.
This is the Mother of all Tour Riders, the one that made it possible for stars to order the sun to set at 7:54pm – in the East – that snow flakes should all match and that Cheryl Cole should cry 0.23 pints of saline solution each X Factor episode.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
