Lady Isaballa Hervey Opens A Room Door At The Priory

NEWS in the Sun’s court circular section is that Lady Isabella Hervey is spending Christmas in the Priory.

Her Lady of Love Island, chair of the Special Needs Group (bulimia attentionosa desperatum) will be attending a clinic in an “erratic” manner, as befitting her status.

Lady Hervey will declare her room door open and invite questions for an assorted panel of medical experts.

Drinks.

“Sad Lady Isabella in rehab for Xmas,” says the Sun. And we wonder why it should now to criticise her?

Celebrity rehab will not be filmed.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Gordon Ramsay’s Two Timers And How To Cheat at Cooking

NEWS of another timer on Gordon Ramsay’s cooker as Australian “property consultant” Julie Vidovic, 42, says she slept with Ramsay on two occasions this year.

Says Ramsay of the stuffed bird: “I’ve never even heard of her.”

Anorak

Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The X Factor Nativity Play

HOW do you make sense of the X Factor?

Ian Bradley knows. As he tells Guardian readers:

Pray silent:

For the scholar of religion, there is much that is familiar about these talent shows and the huge audiences they gain. For a start, there is the humiliation on which the ITV shows in particular thrive, with viewers taking a voyeuristic delight in the rubbishing of contestants by the judges. It may seem an aspect of our contemporary culture of shaming and lack of respect, but in fact it closely mirrors the ritual humiliation visited on shamans in primal societies and on sacred monarchs in the ancient near east. We find its echoes in the psalms and, indeed, in the mocking of Jesus by the crowds before his crucifixion.

It’s the X Factor Nativity play, starring:

Eoghan Quigg as Jesus
Diana Vickers as Jeremiah
Alexandra Burke as The Second Coming (Book Of Lewis Leona)
Cheryl Cole as Weeper and Wailer
Dermot O’Leary as the Narrator – literally!
Simon Cowell as King Herod
Louis Walsh as the Inn Keeper
Dannii Minogue as the face of Christmas past, present and future

And millions of sheep at home…

Anorak

Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

The X-Factor: Anthea Turner Goes Down

ALEXANDRA Burke is the “£10million winner” (Mail) of TV’s X Factor, and makes real the “£1m dream” (Mirror).

To her go the spoils of recording contract, to be called the “new Leona Lewis” and to sing a warbling cover version of Little Drummer Boy.

But for every winner there must be a loser, and the Mail brings the associated front-page news that Anthea Turner is a “100m LOSER”.

Anthea Turner weeps as she reveals she might lose her £5million mansion in the credit crunch.

Says the woman who lent her hair to X Factor hopeful Eoghan Quigg:

I don’t think a £5million mansion makes you happy.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Nora Batty RIP

NORA Batty
Her tights we tatty
Good for a laugh
Was Katy Staff

Anorak

Posted: 14th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Nicola McLean Meets Her Fans

AN insight into life after the celebrity jungle for Nicola McLean.

Happy days…

Spotter: Kela Hazell

Note: If this image is copyrighted please inform us and we will remove it.

Anorak

Posted: 13th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comment

Zac Efron And Hudgens In High School Sex Shop

ZAC Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, stars of High School Musical, and accommodating a fan in a sex shop.

Of coruse, it’s just a fancy dress shop  with an adult shelf.

But while the backdrop to your photo op can be a bad thing, it can also be spun in a postive way.

Efron has sex. Who knew?

How long before he’s being measured up for some new merchandise…

Oh Brave New World.

Spotter

Anorak

Posted: 12th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Michael Bolton Is American Royalty

MICHAEL Bolton is American Royalty. Think a hybrid Prince Edward and Sophie singing golf club karaoke:

AT HOMELAND SECURITY, ALL AMERICANS ARE EQUAL, BUT MICHAEL BOLTON IS MORE EQUAL: So I was flying home Saturday, on the plane with Michael Bolton and his band — he’d played at Cayman Jazzfest, which we skipped, but Doug Weinstein (a horn arranger of some ability) sat next to Bolton’s trumpeter on the plane and had a nice conversation, which was probably enhanced by the fact that she’s cute.

But when we were waiting in line for immigration, a fellow with a blue blazer and a badge came and took Bolton (who was wearing a black pullover that said “royalty” on the back) and two sidekicks (a personal assistant and a bodyguard, by appearances) out of the line and whisked them ahead of a lot of other patiently-waiting folks. This was repeated at the customs station. I’d be curious to know what policy permits such special treatment; it was poorly received by those waiting in line.

Maybe the goons just understood that Bolton had returned to America and decided not to prolong the agony and take their punishment manfully…?

Anorak

Posted: 12th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

The 50 Most Fanciable Women In Pop

THE 50 Most Fanciable Women in Pop… are here chosen not just for their looks ( we are not that shallow), but for their musical talent too.  Of if your taste is boys rather than girls, go here.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lily Allen Watch: Bettie Page RIP

LILY Allen Watch: Anorak’s look at the day’s top/ most pointless celebrity news stories…

“FRILLY Allen showed off her undercrackers when she hit the town…” – The Sun

Jennfier Aniston is naked on the cover of GQ – D. Hail and Hollywood Tuna

Bettie Page RIP:

Anorak

Posted: 12th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

I’m A Celebrity: George Takei Makes Joe Swash An Offer

INSIGHT of the week: George Takei speaking to I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here winner Joe Swash:

And I can visit Joey next time I’m in London on business. Or Joey can stay with me next time he’s in Hollywood.”

George sets them up – you hammer them in…

See you in London, Joe…

Anorak

Posted: 12th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Gary Coleman’s Car Overcompensates

GARY Coleman and his car…

Anorak

Posted: 11th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comment

Anorak Interviews Squatters Inside Royal Residence

“SQUATTERS Invade Royal mansion,” screams the Express.

One “pony-tailed squatter” tells the Sun:

“We’re going to stay here for a while. We’re normal people but we can’t afford to rent anywhere.”

Adding:

“Ist nein ov zur bizniz, Inglander, understand!”

Says next-door neighbour Roger Carr:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 11th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Robbie Williams Shun Take That To Join Blur

ROBBIE Williams says he’d like to be in Take That.

Williams may care to note that Blur are also reforming, and he may prefer to join them.

The Smiths are also to regroup, and William may care to look at all the options.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

How TO Wreck The X Factor Final, With Britney Spears

HAVE you heard of the “PLOT TO WRECK X FACTOR FINAL”?

The Star brings news of the daring conspiracy to turn the X Factor TV talent show into a sham contest in which the most complaint singer can win.

The story is illustrated by picture of Britney Spears, the mime artiste who has done more than any other to encourage half-talented, vapid wannabes that they really can make it all the way to the top.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Zahara Jolie Pitt Has A Twin

ZAHARA Jolie-Pitt, No. 3 on the Jolie-Pitt swatch watch, has a twin.

Can Madonna save her?

Spotter

Anorak

Posted: 10th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kerry Katona Opens Her Sack

“ONLY me,” screeches Kerry Katona from the cover of OK!. It’s top news for those tens of Katatonics already missing her weekly column.

Kerry is cuddling her children, to: a) hide her tum-tum; b) keep warm; c) keep steady; d) show us what a proud a terrific mum she truly is?

Inside and Kerry is sat on Santa’s knee. She reaches into his sack and pulls out…

Well, can you guess? Is it?

a) A baked potato
b) A litter of wet kittens
c) Brian McFadden
d) Fern Britton’s autobiography: “Phil Her Up”

It’s e. And Kerry opens her mouth in shock. This is the “lean, man glamour mum” at work and even with her mouth agape no-one dares pops in an Iceland squirrel vol-au-vent or even a wine gum.

Says Kerry: “I’ve got brand new agent, a new me, a new figure and a brand new fresh start.”

And where else do you start but from the bottom. Which bring us to Santa, aka Mark Croft, who tells us that Kerry’s slurred speech on This Morning was down to her medication.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (32)

Katie Price, Jordan, Is Pregnant With Baby Number Four

KATIE Price and her Jordans are pregnant with child number 4.

Suggestions for names, please…

Anorak

Posted: 10th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (24)

Strickly Come Dancing: Measuring The Lisa Snowdown Bounce

“JIGGLING Lisa Snowdon boobed when she kicked her way through an energetic jive on Strictly Come Dancing. Awestruck viewers saw her breast assets bounce more than 22 meters during the dance,” says the Daily Star.

Anorak has done the math and can says that John Sergeant’s record jiggle of 32metres remains intact.

It’s cha-cha-chachichis…

Anorak

Posted: 10th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

The New Suri Cruise Doll

TOM Cruise is off to the shops with Suri Cruise, the hardest working toddler in showbiz.

They’re off to a toy shop. Suri is picking out games and dolls to give to underprivileged kids defined as “children with only one celebrity parent.”

Suri is choosing the dolls. Anorak has a picture of her selections. Each doll comes with a stock of phrases:

• “Listen to the Thetans”
• “We are your best friends”
• “Yield!”

Better perhaps than this doll. Get ‘em – before they get you…

Image: 14

Anorak

Posted: 10th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lily Allen Watch: Lily Allen Snarls At Katy Perry

LILY Allen Watch: Anorak’s look at the day’s top/ most pointless celebrity news stories…

Lily Allen: the woman herself, on Katy Perry.

Lily Allen is considering the threat to her status as celebrity filler presented by Katy Perry:

“I happen to know for a fact that she was an American version of me. She was signed by my label in America as, ‘We need to find something controversial and kooky like Lily Allen.’ And then they found her.”

She concludes:

“It’s like, you’re not English and you don’t write your own songs, shut up!”

Lily has had one hit to date: Smile:

Smile “was penned by Lily Allen, Iyola Babalola and Darren Lewis… The organ riff is a sample of Jackie Mittoo playing keyboards on “Free Soul” by The Soul Brothers, written by Jackie Mittoo.

You tell her, Lily. England’s Lily…

Anorak

Posted: 9th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Peaches Geldof Goes Down Like A Led Zeppellin

IT’S issue 00 of Peaches Geldof’s Disappear here magazine.

Peaches is now editor-at-large of her own style magazine. Says he:

“I want to interview Nick Cave, Jay McInerney (Bright Lights, Big City author) and arthouse film directors.”

The magazine is about “music and fashion and everything you love”.

The first issue hails “Led Zeppellin”. Which is lucky, ‘cos Anorak loves tpyos..

Anorak

Posted: 9th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

What Wayne Rooney And Coleen Earn Revealed

EVER wondered if writing an OK! column pays well? Kerry Katona has vacated her spot. Here’s your chance.

Wayne and Coleen Rooney’s (ex?) agents, Proactive, are suing them for unpaid earnings. And in court, the couple’s pay has been revealed:

Anorak

Posted: 8th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

X Factor Alexandra Burke Sex Tape, Eoghan Quigg’s Heart And JLS Dog Dies

“BARELY a week goes by on TV’s the X Factor without tearful contestants revealing the tragic stories that inspired them to sing,” writes Caroline Iggulden of Alexandra Burke.

Pop stories like Gareth Gates, Javine Hilton, Alex Parks and many, many more.

“Unlike many of her rivals, bookies’ favourite Alexandra Burke has relied solely on her singing talents to win the votes of viewers – but today we can reveal her hidden heartache.”

The X Factor finale is almost upon us and Alex had best get her sob story in quick. News is that her mum has been ill.

Is that enough? Alex is up against Eoghan Quigg, who has a name that rhymes with Humperdink, was abandoned at birth and raised as a girl by the Loose Women. He feels very deeply about global warming and the plight of the Cuba’s indigenous flora.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Vinnie Jones Smackdown: Raw

VINNIE Jones “was being led to the gents after he was glassed in a pool table brawl,” says the Sun.

This is “VINNIE RAGES”. It’s front-page news.

Juan Barrera is walking past Jones. Barrera is not so much fat as he is gargantuan, what Americans call a “man of stature”. Says he:

“I just walked out the restroom, didn’t say a word to him – and he struck me in the mouth.”

A fat lip. The American then throws Jones over his shoulder. His trousers almost come down.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment