Celebrity News Round-Up

“We already had a plan for getting the dogs out and going to the Four Seasons (hotel) because they take dogs,” says Oprah Winfrey – Derek Hail

Britney Spears almost played a virgin – IMO

Mitch says Amy’s crack spiked – Anorak

Johnny Depp in a hat – ICYDK

Jodie Marsh lesbian tuna – Hollywood Tuna

Madonna: “I must have been Japanese in a previous life. I’m pretty sure I was a warrioress. I can’t explain it, I just know. I’m good at fighting – fighting with a big sword” – Hollywood Rag

Anorak

Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Winehouse Saves Eoghan Quigg

AMY Winehouse watches the X Factor, the contest in which hopefuls see if they can pass a series of challenges and become popstars.

Challenges include:

• Making a crack pipe from an empty can of Vitamilk

• Photographer punching

• Playing the coke spoons

• Surviving on a family bag size of skittles for three whole weeks

• Making no reference to Simon Cowell’s height

Amy just loves it. She specifically loves the 16-year-old named Eoghan Quigg.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (10)

Jordan And Peter Andre’s Roll On Sex

FOR too long Peter Andre was unable to get close to his wife, the fragrant (tones of used adolescent tissue over base notes of horse-drawn caravan and strawberry mentos) Katie Price.

For many months pop acorn Peter nestled under Katie’s embonpoint, never seeing the sun and resorting to looking healthy with self-tanning gels that had no fear of streaking because in Pete’s world it never rained, just lightly perspired.

Then Katie went to Arm-ewika and deflated. Peter would now, finally, be able to get closer to the woman of his dreams.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Nicola McClean On Her Budding Jordans

DAY one in the jungle and Nicola McLean is in a bikini.

Take care Nicola, say celebrity watchers, lest she get bitten and the puncture wounds cause her to leave the camp faster than a pricked balloon.

(Note: For similar reasons, gastric band enthusiast Fern Britton should avoid playing “human catapult” and hanging around with Boy Scouts).

While Mail readers get to see “desperate” Nicola crying for attention, Star readers get to see Nicole sans bra.

Nicola is planning to undergo a third boob job, readers learn, one that should make her “massive”.

Massive is a big word in Nicola life, it is something of an ambition.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Kanye West Runs Into Princess Diana

KANYE WEST has run into snapper Terry Blackburn. On his blog, Kanye rants:

WHO’S WINNING, ME OR THE MEDIA?

Can one man take on the entire media? And if he wins, does Kanye West become our new media?

REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH LIGHT I PUT OUT, THERE ARE PEOPLE WORKING JUST AS HARD TO ONLY DELIVER DARKNESS. IF YOU LISTEN TO MY MUSIC, HOW COULD I DELIVER SO MANY POSITIVE UPLIFTING MESSAGES AND BE THE MONSTER THAT THE MEDIA PAINTS. PAPARAZZI GIVE REAL PHOTOGRAPHERS A BAD NAME. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, THEIRS ARE WORTH A THOUSAND DOLLARS…

More than thousand dolalrs. Much more. But only if the pictaure is a classic:

LET US NOT FORGET THE PAPS KILLED PRINCESS DIANA.

She’s dead? But Harvey Nichols has just taken delivery of its new spring rage, and Dians is road-teating it on the Sixth floor penthouse. Dead..?

WHEN WILL THERE BE A LAW PASSED THAT SIMPLY ENFORCES THAT SOMEONE HAS TO ASK TO TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH OF YOU. THAT WOULD SEEM LIKE COMMON COURTESY.

Laws. Like ending a question with a question mark. Laws…they’re  made to be broken…

RIGHT NOW THE PAPS ARE ABOVE THE LAW AND THE PEOPLE THEY SHOOT ARE BELOW IT. WHAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL IS PICTURES TAKEN WITH THE INTENT TO SELL….LIKE DRUGS WITH THE INTENT TO SELL… OR CROSSING CUSTOMS WITH ENOUGH MERCHANDISE TO HAVE THE INTENT TO SELL. THE EXPLOITATION OF MY IMAGE IS THE PROBLEM.

What is an image but a picture. Discuss:

IT PRODUCES A “BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY” BEHAVIOR THAT CAUSE THE PAPS TO DRIVE RECKLESSLY ON FREEWAYS, JUMP OVER FENCES AND INVADE PRIVACY ALL IN AN EFFORT TO GET THAT “MONEY SHOT.” YOU SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SELL A PICTURE OF ME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. AFTER THIS LAW IS PASSED, WHEN YOU ENTER A PUBLIC PLACE LIKE A BASKETBALL ARENA ETC., THERE WILL BE A SIGN THAT READS…”ALL PHOTOS TAKEN HERE ARE PUBLIC DOMAIN AND CAN BE USED AT THE PHOTOGRAPHERS DISCRETION.”

So you can take images of Kanye when he performs on stage. You can record him. He wants you to. Try it and see what happens:

Anorak

Posted: 16th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Bob Geldof On The True Cost Of Poverty

BOB GELDOF wants Australians to dig deep:

Anti-poverty campaigner Sir Bob Geldof has charged Australian organisers $100,000 to give a speech about world suffering.

Geldof, 54, spoke about the tragedy of Third World poverty and the failure of governments to combat the crisis at a Crown casino function in Melbourne on Thursday night.

But he charged about $100,000 for his troubles – a speakers fee that included the cost of luxury hotel rooms and first-class airfares.

Geldof needs to experience luxury to know what the poor are missing out on…

Read it for free…

Anorak

Posted: 16th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Jamie Foxx To Star In Boxing Helena II

JAMIE FOXX looks the part:

“I had one [of my teeth] chipped out with a chisel. My teeth are just so big and white — a homeless person would never have them.”

“I wanted to break up my big, shining piano keys to five them a little character. Some might think I f**ked up my grill for nothing, but I just wanted to come up with some s**t to make the part unique.”

That’s Jamie Foxx getting into chracter for his new role as the schizophrenic musician Nathaniel Ayers.

Look out for Jamie in Boxing Helena II: the musical….

Spotter

Anorak

Posted: 16th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Charlize Theron Dry Humps The UN

HAIL, CHARLIZE Theron, United Nations messenger of peace.

Says U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon:

“You have used your voice, compassion and special relationship with the public to create a better world.”

Indeed:

Mary Ann Lomax: Say I can handle it.
Kevin Lomax: You can handle it.
Mary Ann Lomax: Say something nice.
Kevin Lomax: Something nice.

– The Devil’s Advocate

Karen: [pointing a gun] Take me to her! You SON OF A BITCH!

– Trapped

Aileen: [recalling when she was about to kill herself] So, I was gonna do it, and the only reason I didn’t was a 5 dollar bill, I knew I’d probably given some asshole a blowjob for it, so, it really started to piss me off that if I killed myself without spending it, well then I basically sucked him up for free!

– Monster

“He walked me home and made out with me. That was my second kiss and he got to second base too. Then there was Ben – he was my first dry hump”

– The Messenger of Peace, herself

Theron and theron and theron…

Anorak

Posted: 15th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

How The Media Works: Taking A Pop At Kanye West

TERRY Blackburn is a photographer…a snapper.

He boasts of being a “paparazzi, press and wedding photographer!” (his exclamation mark – not mine) and works from his Stockton-on-Tees media centre: some would say home. You will find details here…

Or not. If you try the link, you’ll find you won’t.

Terry is well-known about the media underbelly. He is the photographer whose complaint led to ex-footballer Paul Gascoigne’s arrest and release without charge following an incident outside a Gateshead pub during September.

Now:

– Times – Kayne West…does not like Paparazzi

Terry, again. He sought THE mega-bucks picture and the high life when he shoved his camera into the face of hip hop superstar Kanye West.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Prince William Rescues Asian Family While Diana Looks On

HOME from a night out in the London, in the company of Prince William.

Having missed the night bus, been robbed and sexually assaulted by a minicab driver, and ignored by the Cabbie, Wills is making do with a limousine.

Wills gazes from the window. He breathes on the glass and writes with a strident digit: “Wills Luvs Katie.”

He breathes again: “Wills 4 Kate.”

He sighs. He can have any woman in the world (including some family members) and he has Katie Middle-class. “Lucky me,” he thinks. “Luckeee luckeeee, luckeeeeee, luckeeeeeeeee, luckeeeeee me.”

What ho? Wills sees a Peugeot crushed by accident. He orders the car to stop.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Paris Hilton Catches A Virus Down Under

THE results are in and the nickname you the readers have chosen for Paris Hilton is…Bongo Virus.

But what’s this? The name has already been taken, and not by Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears nor Anthea Turner.

Bongo Virus is the name of a social networking group in Australia. Paris is stymied, and remains stuck with her name, that, as French readers note, should read Hilton Paris, or Hilton de Paris, to give it the full trick.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

I’m A Celebrity: Nicola McLean Loves The Bush

NICOLA McLean is swinging into the I’m A Celebrity jungle on her burning bra straps.

Says Nicola: “I wouldn’t rule out a lesbian liaison… I like to look at girls, especially good looking girls.”

“I’LL SWING BOTH WAYS IN JUNGLE,” says the Sun’s front-page teaser.

The Star’s front-page “exclusive” echoes those words.

Nicola fancies a bushtucker trial with one of the ladies. Not since the heady days of Valerie Singleton, allegedly, has the Blue Peter garden known the like.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Liverpool Has A Brick With Gary Glitter’s Name On It

GARY Glitter’s name is on a brick, literally.

There it is outside the Cavern Club, on a wall in Liverpool, in plain site of kids, mums and kids with their mums.

Says Bob Wareing, Liverpool MP:

“The brick should be removed from the wall and destroyed – it is causing an outrage.”

Finding anyone to do the job won’t be easy. And then the builder needs to be a trustworthy sort who will not hand the brick to Glitter, perhaps via his car or house window (rego and address on application), nor use the sick brick in a housing estate, so letting entire families sleep on Gary Glitter.

Anorak

Posted: 13th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Ozzy Osbourne Needs A Mini Me

OZZY Osbourne is looking for foul-mouthed seven-year old to play him in a TV show.

Says a source at The Osbournes: Loud and Dangerous:

“Our mini Ozzy will need a Brummie accent and dark hair. The script contains strong adult language that must be performed in a believable and compelling way.”

But how can such a child star be found? Strong adult language stands still for no man, it being a moveable feat of expletives.

Would the young Ozzy call someone a “Motherf*****”, scream “Paedo!” at the man in the park or uncurl the single raised finger over the once ubiquitous and oh-so British twinset?

Anorak

Posted: 13th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jesse Metcalfe’s Miracle At Monte Carlo

NEWS that Desperate Housewives’ downhill gardener Jesse Metcalfe has fallen down two flights of stairs comes as a shock.

Is it possible to fall down two flights of stairs, a fall of some 40ft, by the Sun’s reckoning?

Anorak

Posted: 12th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Madonna Waits For Diana Vickers

COME on Madonna, don’t go!

OK, go. Go already. But if you must leave Blighty do so once the X Factor results are in and we can stare as another singer simulates sex with a horse.

That chanteuse could be Diana Vikers, who not only has a name that rhymes with knickers (if your face, Laura White) but is also blonde.

Vickers should win if she continues not to sing in the contest, crying off with laryngitis and screaming at fireworks, as the Mirror reports on its front page.

Inside the paper, Madonna’s brother Christopher Ciccone is telling readers that his sister is moving to New York and that Guy Ritchie is “generally a miserable guy and he got worse”.

Why readers try to fathom out what it is that made Guy miserable, allegedly, Christopher tells us that his sister has designs on being a director and that “Two directors in a family is never going to work.”

It is for such reasons that the Scots never stood a chance, nor the Coppolas, the Coen brothers and so on.

Two people giving direction does not work. One needs to take. One needs to give, It is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship – see pages 17, 18, 19 and part of 20 in Madonna’s Boo ‘Sex’…

Anorak

Posted: 12th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Tongue Fisting The I’m A Celebrity Wannabes

A TONGUE twister to limber up your lips on the cover of today’s Daily Star: “I’M A CELEB WAG WAR.”

Take it away I’m A Celeb agonist Esther Rantzen… “I’m A Stheleb Tonth Tvisther.”

Go, go, failed London mayor and ex-gay copper Brian Paddick: “I am a celebratty tonguey fister.”

Now you EastEnders Joe Swash: “OimashlebtungtwistersthOiAmOiIam.”

And so it goes, all the way to Robert Kilory Silk: “I am a tongue shitter.”

No lie: the Star really is 10p cheaper than the Sun and “10 times more fun.”

The Sun can only go on about “Baby P” who died in the care of its “vile” mum and stepdad.

If the Daily Star got its hand on the story, it would be a game of spot the difference between Baby P and Baby M.

So funsters, we turn back to the Star, and learn that miniature Wag Carly Zucker, former Muppet Dani Behr and Friend-Of-Anorak Nicola McLean will be providing more tongue twisters should they and any of the aforesaid Swash, former Blue singer Simon Webbe or Martina Navratilova gel in the dell.

Anorak will be rooting for Our Nicola, who used to play with our patron Old Mr Anorak’s youngest at the Corum Fields drop-in centre, London.

You go, Nicola. And if you see fit to win and want to do good deeds, how’s about returning that pencil your little sister took…

Anorak

Posted: 12th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (12)

Vadge And Bitchie: Learn To Speak Guy And Madonna

THE STAR reports that Madonna has orders Guy Ritchie to adhere to her rules.

They are the 10 Rules of Woman given to Man by Madge the Vadge.

Of course, a few days with Bitchie and the Open To Bids (Kids) will be speaking like their You’ve Been Had (Dad).

Here’s Anorak’s print out and keep guide to how She’s A Gonna (Madonna) can keep with her children, and better communicate with them:

Apples and Pears – Kabala Prayers

Adam and Eve – Mum’s wears a weave

Pony and Trap – See RocknRolla

Butcher’s Hook – Sex colouring book

Whistle and Flute – Divorce law suit

Porkie Pies – Non-macrobiotic diet

Trouble and Strife – Sent down for life

A-Rod – Better Bod

Dog And Bone – She’s never at home

Tit for Tat – We were once the perfect couple

As spoken in Malawi…

Anorak

Posted: 12th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

Beyonce Knowles Is Obama’s Wonder Woman

BARACK Obama Watch: THE post-racial world just keeps on changing. Here’s Beyonce Knowles waking up to a new dawn in the World According to Obama (WACO):

In “Beyonce: Now it’s time for black Wonder Woman”, the singer says:

“A black Wonder Woman would be a powerful thing.”

Says the Mail on Sunday:

“And she has likened landing the role to the election of Barack Obama, whose campaign she backed.”

Or not.

What Beyonce actually said was:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 9th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Jean-Claude Van Damme Stops Acting To Act The Fruit

JEAN-Claude Van Damme, the Muscles from Brussels, the Sprout with Clout, the EU Member With Distemper, is talking films. Well, one film, his Cannes hit JCVD:

I saw myself on the screen — I was disturbed. I was not like, “Wow, I made a great movie, some great action.” No, no, no — I was disturbed for a couple of days. The truth is like, why did I open myself so much? I opened the fruit, I peeled the skin, I cut the pulp. I put the pit, and I cut the pit, and I show inside the pit to the audience. I didn’t just cut the pulp, you know what I’m saying?

Is a sprout a fruit?…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Rihanna’s Boiled Egg Ping Pong

WHAT news of the singer Rihanna? Why, news of her tour rider, dear Anorkians:

Pop star Rihanna’s 2008 tour rider, excerpts of which you’ll find below, details her need for a “5 star premium” hotel and a fully stocked dressing room complete with a “professional make up mirror.” And in case promoters were unfamiliar with such mirrors, Rihanna helpfully includes a color photo for comparison purposes. Rihanna (real name: Robyn Fenty) also needs two Trish McEvoy candles (“Light and fruity glass incased!”), “good quality” tortilla chips, and “fire hot” crunchy Cheez Doodles.

Anything else for modom?

The rider also notes (warns?) that Rihanna may also ask for hard-boiled eggs at any time before a show.

What she does with them and needs them for? We are not told.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

That Sun Showbiz Exclusive In Full

TODAY’S showbiz news:

Sun: Is Tess Daly pregnant?

No, I’m not,” says Tess Daly

Lily Allen is away….

Anorak

Posted: 6th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Barack Obama: Blake Fielder Civil Rights In The Winehouse

BARACK Obama Watch. Looking past the blackness and the history:

“It’s welcome to the free world for me and Barack Obama” – Blake Fielder Civil, Mr Amy Winehouse on his release from the chains of hard labour

I have a dream, that black, brown, golden brown, white powder and red Smarties can live in harmony in the greater Winehouse body and that we as a nation…

Continues for as long as it gives Her Majesty pleasure…

Anorak

Posted: 6th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

White House, Big House And Winehouse

NOW the long wait is over, the Sun and other tabloids can get down to the serious business of wondering when the first couple will die.

With the War for the White House won, the joyous news is that Blake Fielder Civil is released from prison.

For Republicans, this might be the good day to bury bad news. Amy Winehouse’s man is out and newspapers will once again be full of insight and speculation.

To the jail.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Steve Guttenberg Runs Naked In the Park

STEVE Guttenberg was in diner:

Best Week Ever

Anorak

Posted: 5th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment