Making The Brand: SS Georgina Baillie

HAD only Andrew Sachs just been in when Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross called?

Had only Sachs not been taking his granddaughter out to the shops for a packet of sweets, some new school shoes or a push on the swings, Ross and Brand would still be employed at the BBC.

Has Sachs got a mobile, sorry, a pocket phone? If so, can he leave his contact details with the BBC switch or work out how divert calls?

Brand and Ross’s call and grandpa’s technophobia have all been a terrible inconvenience to Ms Georgina Baillie, who is forced to put her equestrianism on hold and answer questions on her once private life in OK!.

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Anorak

Posted: 5th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Goodbye Kerry Katona, Stay in Touch Georgina Baillie

GOODBYE Kerry Katona.

After four years as OK!’s diarist, Kerry leaves the magazine to launch her own organ.

But before the first issue of Grope can reach the shelves, OK! wishes to say farewell to it’s employee with a few words and a few photos, the literal equivalent of a card that when opened plays the sound of a turkey being spit roasted Leicester City reserves.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Lily Allen’s Zen

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s motorcycle maintenance

Says an onlooker: “She seemed very zen. We see Lily a lot and she’s never appeared so happy” – Goss Girls, Daily Star

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Anorak

Posted: 4th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Looking For Jennifer Aniston At Jennifer Hudson’s Crime Scene

IN TODAY’S episode of “Where’s Jennifer Aniston?” the National Enquirer shines a searchlight on life in the Hollywood Hills.

“Jennifer Hudson MURDER TRAGEDY!” screams the NE.

We read on and among the gore and the grimness, we find no hint of our Jennifer. There are “crime scene photos”, and readers see: a tape, a car, a door handle with a combination lock built in and pictures of the gone.

But there’s no Jen. All the faces are black, and Jen is blonde. She’d stand out. She’s not there.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Russell Brand Is Hung Like A Sparrow

HOW the might have fallen. Having been topped from her perch as an off-peak BBC presenter, Russell Brand is negotiating to appear in Pirates of the Caribbean as Jack Sparrow’s brother.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Celebrity Face Of The Day: Zac Effron And Emu

WHEN he died, Rod Hull’s hands were as soft as a baby’s kanagroo’s perenium. And when he cradled Zac Effron in his arms, the young Zac knew what he must do.

So:

“Zac applies emu oil daily to a scar he got from his appendectomy earlier this year. He can’t handle having imperfect abs and the oil, which is made from the bird’s fat is said to fade scars. It is already working.”

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Robert Kilroy Silk Spotted In I’m A Celebrity Jungle

REPORTS are that Robert Kilroy-Silk is to join Ant (right) and Dec (left) in the Blue Peter garden for this year’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

It’s very possible that Kilroy has been living in a garden or The Outback for some years. The once ubiquitous perma-tanned presence of mid-morning telly has been missing for some time.

When he formed Veritas political party in Hinckley Golf Club in Leicestershire,an alternative to UKIP, itself an alternative to the BNP/ Conservatives, he would bring about a revolution.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lily Allen’s Car Boot

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s car boot

“CLOCKED – Lily Allen rummaging at a car boot sale in Chiswick” – 3am Girls, Daily Star

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

What Have You Done With Katie Price And Her Jordans, Pete?

ON Novembr 23, Anorak will be attending an audience with Peter Andre. Then we will ask him what he has done with the brash, neon-skinned, pneumatic mass of taffeta, filler and snaggle tooth and her gargantuan Jordans:

Has she now been dipped in plastic and hidden inside this shell of a person seen in the picture? Is Pete’s curent squeeze a new kind of inflatable?

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Body Is Another Inconvenient Truth

GWYNETH Paltrow wants to introduce us to her three doctors.

“Police your thoughts and deal with your feelings constructively,” says Christian Renna, D.O. LifeSpan Medicine, 2008, media to Paltrow, a mother of two small children.

Dr Alejandro Junger will see you now:

The human body is a self-healing, self-renewing, self-cleansing organism. When the right conditions are created, vibrant well-being is its natural state. We have departed from the ways of nature and live under less than natural conditions.

Like global warming, the toxicity of our planet is undeniable. I call it “Another Inconvenient Truth.”

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Anorak

Posted: 31st, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (10)

Russell Brand Is The Vegetarian’s Starter Kit

IT’S the opportunistic press release of the day: Peta backs Russell Brand:

Following Russell Brand’s suspension and resignation from the BBC over ‘those’ phonecalls to Andrew Sachs, PETA has been swamped with calls to have him removed from the cover of our latest edition of the Vegetarian Starter Kit. Russell was also twice crowned the World’s Sexiest Vegetarian Celebrity by us… and we’re sticking by him!

If not sticking to him…

Anorak

Posted: 31st, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

David Irving On Big Brother

HOW do you follow George Galloway on Big Brother? How do you follow Jade Goody? How do you follow Emily Parr? Well, as Ha’aretz reports:

“The production company Endemol, producer of the “Celebrity Big Brother” TV reality show, asked Holocaust-denier David Irving to be a contestant on the show, the London-based Jewish Chronicle reported Thursday.

But it was nothing serious, nto really…

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Anorak

Posted: 31st, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (10)

Russian Police Wait For Russell Brand

IN Russian, the police are waiting for Russell Brand – video:

Anorak

Posted: 31st, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Russell Brand Was Once With The BNP

RUSSELL Brand was once with the BNP.

While the media goes on and on and on about itself, Anorak discovers tapes from when Brand joined the BNP. We realised just how good he can be.

Watch the videos and you’ll understand that though not always funny,  Brand is sharp and immensely likeable…

Best bits to come…

Anorak

Posted: 31st, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)

Hayden Panettiere Makes Sense Of Obama’s Economic Policy

STILL undecided about McCain or Obama? Phil Spector isn’t. If Phil isn’t enough to get you on side, here comes Hollywood blonde Hayden Panttierre to help make your mind up.

“I don’t know if anyone would complain about under-taxing to be completely honest,” Panettiere told CNSNews.com. “Personally, I’d rather have higher taxes and help other people who need those tax breaks more.”

As he says:

You know how Obama told that plumber dude he wanted to “spread the wealth around”? And then everybody went after the plumber dude for some reason, but then they were like, “Hey, wait a minute, back up.

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Anorak

Posted: 31st, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Vote Obama And Save Alec Baldwin’s Family

ALEC Baldwin is the latest Baldwin after brother Stephen to dip his jackboot into politics. Says Alec Baldwin on the David Letterman show:

“If John McBush and Bible Spice win, we have to find a way to come together as a country, because we can’t let it be the way it’s been the last 8 years where there’s been this acrimony and this bitterness. We have to find a way somehow to do that.”

And not just in Baldwin’s family:

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Anorak

Posted: 30th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Bill Maher Looking For Halloween Death Suit

BILL Maher is looking to top his Steve Irwin Halloween outfit:

“I was looking for a costume that would be as funny as [my Steve Irwin costume] was, and I don’t know if I found it this year, but I better hurry it’s only two days away. Nothing yet, but I ain’t out of it.”

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Anorak

Posted: 30th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (9)

Danielle Lloyd Puts The Varnish On Irresistible Talent

IS there more than one Danielle Lloyd?

The orangey, non-racist Scouser has Danielle Lloyd has lent her name to a new glamour modelling agency called… Irresistible Talent.

Like a pot of Ronseal the agency does exactly what it says on the tin – its finds talent that is impossible to resist.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Jennifer Hudson Builds Her On BackUp

JENNIFER Hudson’s family are grieving in Chicago. Julian King is dead.

But it could have been different. Soem see pain and blood. Others see a marketing opportunity. In the Chicago Tribune:

Could a bedside shotgun rack have saved jennifer hudson’s family from tragic death?

Well, it makes for a pretty handy self-defence weapon once you’ve unscrewed it from the wall…

Chicago, IL (MMD Newswire) October 28, 2008 — Tragedy strikes in a Chicago home leaving 3 people dead and an Oscar winner forced to identify the bodies of her family.

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Anorak

Posted: 30th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Russell Brand And Child Star In Live Sex Broadcasting Storm

THOUSANDS of listeners have complained to the BBC after a ‘live’ radio report for Russell Brand’s A Times & Place programme went disastrously wrong.

UPDATE: JONATHAN Ross and Russell Brand have been suspended by the BBC.

The report was billed as “a candid investigation into the world of the swing”, and featured a visit by childhood TV star Jonathan Ross to a private party in West London.

From the start it was apparent that cash had been taken in liberal quantities, and a debate about social mores and swing parks soon turned into a frank discussion of personal habits.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (43)

Madonna And Guy’s Marriage Contract

WE join the action as Madonna and Guy Ritchie are having full and frank discussion. Says Guy:

“I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this.”

The words form part of the couple’s marriage contract, reports the Sun.

Anorak imagines that if the words are repeated often enough they become only more meaningful, and Bitchie only more sincere.

He should work them into every day interactio:

Anorak

Posted: 29th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Hewlett Packard Unveil The Gary Glitter Touch Me PC

WHEN Gary Glitter took his computer to PC World, a new marketing opportunity arose.

But who would dare use Glitter to advertise their machines? Which PC manufacture would bring to market the slogan: “With an [insert brand name here] you never need to get it fixed”?

We’ve waited, but now the Sun brings news that Hewlett Packard are using Gary Glitter’s hit song Do You Wanna Touch Me? to promote a new touch screen model.

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Anorak

Posted: 29th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Paris Hilton For President, Sings Paris Hilton

MOVE over Northern Exposure. This is Indecent Exposure **cking the vote:

Via

Anorak

Posted: 28th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Peaches Geldof: The Parodist On Nylon Cobbles And Contradictions

“THE sun glows a burned orange as it sinks behind a skyscraper, a car horn screeches irritably, the wind whistles through the acres of willows in Central Park…”

Peaches Geldof sits at her lap top, wondering… It is reassuring to know that Peaches is in New York, laughing at the locals in a brilliant work of parody that were it repeated here it would see her laughed into oblivion. Write on Peaches:

America is a strange place, a place of contradictions, but a place that never fails to change one’s world view…

Travel broadens the mind. Americans should try it. Pack shorts, big ones; huge ones…

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Anorak

Posted: 28th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Jennifer Aniston Races Angelina Jolie To The Baby Stack

JENNIFER Aniston is Princess Diana to the Enquirer’s Daily Express. Every issue comes with a Jen ishoo.

Jen’s issue du joy is that Angelina Jolie is a “LIAR”.

Ange is Jen’s “love rival”, albeit a rivalry like that which exists between Arsenal (Angelina ) and Spurs (Jen) where one party gets all the beauty, spoils and glory the other gets to live in the halcyon days of past glories and shop of new faces.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)