Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Kerry Katona: Mum’s Gone To Fight With Dad
SAYS the Sun: “Brian McFadden will fight Kerry Katona for custody of their kids – with the help of X-Factor judge Louis Walsh.”
McPadding has slimmed down since his days with Westlife, and some punters reason that he can last three rounds with Katona, longer if she remains on her stool, or seated.
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Posted: 28th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Harding Times: Girls Aloud In McDonald’s
Celebrity quote of the day: Sarah Harding, of Girls Aloud, is making barely a dent in the GMTV sofa. Says she:
“I’ve just had two McDoanld’s breakfasts! I’m not ill at all”
Give it time…
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Posted: 28th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Fern Britton’s Weight Speaks Out
IN FERN “ME and My weight”, the Mirror hears Fern Britton’s weight speak out for the first time since it was placed on a restraining order…
“I was just a pair of footballer’s shoulders and hips when Fern Britton adopted me and form then on my life was a smorgasbord of TV dinners.
“Together me and Fern grew as stars, the best double act in mid-morning telly since Anne Diamond pulled on a pair of cankles and…”
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Posted: 28th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
IC Milan And Milan Sees Me: David Beckhams Lights Up
WITH the US now conquered by footsoccer, David Beckham is off to Milan to show the Latins how the game works.
He’s bought place there and the Sun says it’s a “stone’s throw form an infamous red light district”.
Whether the stone is thrown by an aged nun or a vigilante is not known, but with Day-vid’s tuition, all stone throwers will be soon holding the pebble in two hands bending the arms behind the head and the shoulders forward.
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Posted: 28th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)
The Germanes: Brand And Rossy In Faulty Towers
THE Daily Mail is up in arms at Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross, so don’t mention the war.
Trouble is, Russell has let things go to his head and can’t stop himself. While Rossy runs about clearing up Brand’s mess, Brand insults everyone and oh, no…
“I would like to remind the Daily Mail [sic] that while it is a bit bad to leave a swearword on Andrew Sachs’ answerphone, what’s worse – leaving a swearword on Andrew Sachs’ answerphone or tacitly supporting Adolf Hitler when he took charge of the Third Reich?”
“Don’t mention the war!” Mr Faulty, is a panza, is not a rat…
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Posted: 28th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Hulk Hogan Wrestles With God, And Wins
HULK Hogan, the neon and Ronseal wrestler, is in talking of his divorce:
“You know when she finally decided she wanted to file for divorce I begged her not to because brother, when I put my hand on the Bible and I said for better or for worse, til death do us part I was one of these guys who thought I was going to be together forever.”
He then slips into Jeremy Kyle mode:
Hey I screwed up. I made mistakes you know, but I’ll sit there and tell you I did something. If I did something I’ll say I did it.
I am honest about my dishonesty, says Hulk, born Terrance “Terry” Gene Bollea. That you can rely on. Fact!
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Posted: 28th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Michael Lohan Tells World He’ll Stop Telling World About Lindsay
SAYS Michael Lohan, father to Lindsay Lohan, the virginal actress after whom Lohan Monk Vegetables are named:
“I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha. I’m a Christian. I should not pass judgment on anyone. In the past, I felt that the best way to get to her was to speak out publicly. And it was the wrong choice. Family matters should be kept private. I’ve learned that now.”
So says Micahel Lohan in the privacy of the, er, New York magazine…
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Posted: 27th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Kerry Katona: This Is Why Mum Lives In Iceland
WITH climate controlled Kerry Katona returned to the cool of Iceland, news in the Sun is that:
Kerry Katona’s fuming hubby had to be forcibly removed from This Morning studios by security after squaring up to host Phillip Schofield.
There can be no shame in being bounced from This Morning. But shame on Croft for not issuing his challenge to Schofield live on air and couching it in a charity event. Would Phil ‘The Grecian’ Schofield dare to refuse the chance to help the downtrodden, lonely and institutionalised (aka: the viewers)?
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Posted: 24th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)
Beyonce Is Sasha Fierce T-Bone Coco The Monkey
BEYONCE would like to be known as “Sasha Fierce”
Just like the “Seinfeld” episode where George wanted everyone to call him “T-Bone,” Beyonce Knowles would like to be known by a bold new name. The R&B singer has christened herself “Sasha Fierce.”
Old Mr Anorak wold like to be known as Mr Old Mr Anorak…
Video:
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Posted: 23rd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)
Oprah, Obama, Obamist: Oprah New Barack TV Show
SAYS Barack Obama’s ambassador to the UK and foreskin face enthusiast, Oprah Winfrey on Sarah Palin:
“At the beginning of the presidential campaign, when I decided that I was going to take my first public stance in support of a candidate, I made the decision not to use my show as a platform for any of the candidates.”
The woman has principles…
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Posted: 23rd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Cart Horse Capers: Madonna And Guy To Star In New Divorce Film
NEWS is that Madonna, aka Vadge, is “haunted” by legs, specifically those attached to the rest of Tania Strecker, a blonde mo-del who once dated Guy Ritchie (Bitchie).
Tania, that’s her with the open shirt, naked chest and unsheathed lags, is now married to “millionaire James de Rothschild” is also a TV presenter, naturally.
Of course the big news is that Loraine Kelly’s prayers ‘have been answered and the Express can announce: “Madonna and Guy ‘will stay pals”.
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Posted: 23rd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Death By Celebrity: Harry’s Pal, Lohan’s Dead Pool And Katy Perry Knives Liverpool
DEATH by celebrity – Anorak’s look at lives given meaning by the touch of celebrity, with Prince Harry, Lindsay Lohan and Katy Perry
“SALUTE TO JAMES – Our Boys bid sad farewell to Harry pal” –Sun
“Hundreds of British soldiers in Afghanistan bow their heads in a moving salute to a fallen pal of Prince Harry”
Trooper James Munday will remembered with drinks and fags at Boujis…
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Posted: 23rd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
On Iceland: Kerry Katona Asks The Questions
KERRY Katona was not drunk on This Morning yesterday morning.
Or as the Star’s front page puts it: “KERRY: I WASN’T PISHT HONEST”, and inside “SHERRY KATONA ‘DRUNK’ ON TELLY”.
This is, of course, the Daily Star, sister organ to OK!, a magazine not so much soft focus as magic eye, rendering everyone within into one stunning, gorgeous and talented blur.
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Posted: 23rd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (11)
Kerry Katona On Ice: New Body, New Mindset, New Pint
KERRY Katona, formerly Kerry McPadding, is lying face down on a bed telling Zoo magazine readers about the time her home was raided by villains masked.
Zoo: “Do you think they targeted you because of who you are?”
KK: “Definitely not. They did a few houses around my way. Plus, when they walked in, they shouted: ‘Hey, you’re that bird from Atomic Kitten.’”
Video – Kerry on This Morning, reliving the ordeal:
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Posted: 22nd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (17)
Madonna Dresses Kids Like A Rod And Guy’s Christmas Star
DAY whatever in the divorce of Madonna (Vadge) and Guy Ritchie (Bitchie).
With no word from either party, the tabloids pick up on sign language.
Says the Sun:
“Defiant Madonna takes another swipe at hubby Guy Ritchie – by dressing their son in a New York Yankees T-shirt.”
Is Bitchie a Dodgers fan? Dunno. The story hinges on the fact that Madonna’s friend, one Alex Rodriguez, wears the Yankees kit in a professional capacity.
The Sun assures us that “Guy will be angry to see her parading their son in the hunk’s team colours”. In the league table of replica kits don’t dos:
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Posted: 22nd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Happy Halloween From Jordan And Peter Andre
HAPPY Halloween from Jordan and Peter Andre….
Trick or treat?
Posted: 22nd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comment
I Knifed A Girl: Katy Perry Flicks Her Blade And Joey Lappin Dies
ANORAK is delighted to see that lesbian enthusiast Katy Perry has bucked the trend for eating with her fingers and has taken to wielding a knife.
The singer’s other hand of not in shot on the Sun’s cover page, but Anorak wagers that it holds a fork or – little steps (Miss Perry is an American) – a spoon.
Harsh, indeed, then for the Sun to brand Perry the “No1 idiot” in “SINGER KNIFE OUTRAGE”.
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Posted: 22nd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Katatonic: Kerry Katona’s Amazing New Body
WITH curves not seen since the glory days of Warrington’s Spud U Like grand opening, Kerry Katona appears on the Mirror’s front page to show readers her “amazing body”.
To page 9, where a naked Kerry is showing off her cosmetic surgery bruises. Anorak is particularly appalled by the metal stables that join the chest to the navel.
Amazing.
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Posted: 21st, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)
Hip Hop Heroes For Credit Crunch Tips And Mortgage Advice
NO money. No shack? No hope. No worries:
Hip-hop music pioneer Russell Simmons, along with mortgage consultants and entertainment figures such as Ludacris, Yung Joc, Gorilla Zoe, D. Woods of the girl group Danity Kane and music executive Kevin Liles, spoke to the crowd at the event billed as the Hip-Hop Summit at Clark Atlanta University. It’s tied to the Oct. 23 BET Hip-Hop Awards show.
Did you spot which of them was a mortgage consultant?
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Posted: 20th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Lady Heather Mills’ Toy Boy Makes Macca Look Old
THE Sun says Heather Mills has flown to New York with her “toy boy lover”.
He’s called Jamie Walker. He’s 35. Not months. Years.
Lady Heather Mills, nee Penny Lane, is 40…
Meanwhile Paul McCartney is said by the Sun to be spending “no more lonely nights” with one Nancy Shevell, 47.
Sir Paul is ageless, but looks much older…
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Posted: 20th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Madeley For Television: How Celebrity Ruins Young People
RICHARD Madeley, a TV presenter, is talking about the culture of celebrity at the Cheltenham Literature Festival. Says he:
“Kids really think they can get fame overnight because, very occasionally, they see it happen. It is very dangerous for them because it sets them up for massive disappointment.”
He’s right. The kids wanna be famous but they arrive at the stage door only to find that the best celeb jobs are filled by talented sons and daughters of stars, like Chloe Madeley. She ‘s in FHM magazine, being talented:
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Posted: 20th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Vadge And Bitchie: Keeping Tabs On Guy And Madonna’s Divorce
MADONNA and Guy Ritchie are divorcing: It’s the Vadge and Bitchie saga…
And the tabloids are hoping and praying that the whole thing does not get really very messy and cause them to spend page upon page upon page giving advice to Madge The Vadge and Guy Bitchie…
Now read on.
The dignified divorce her children have a right to expect went up in smoke on Thursday when she denigrated her husband Guy Ritchie – natural father to one of her children, father to their adopted son and stepfather to another child – as an ’emotional retard’ – Amanda Platell (Daily Mail)
And the little kiddies?
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Posted: 20th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Katie Perry Trips Over Cake
KATIE Perry involved in best celebrity news headline of the year:
SINGER Katy Perry, singer of I Kissed a Girl, “falls over on stage after jumping on a cake at the MTV Latin America Awards in Mexico”.
The BBC is worth the licence fee.
Beat that, Lily Allen…
Posted: 19th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Paul McCartney Loses His Head In Ringo Starr Look- Alike Revenge Train Attack
GIVEN the way it bobbles to and fro, it was ever a possibility that Paul McCartney’s head would one day come clean off.
The chance of Macca losing his head only grew when mad mullah and Ringo Starr look-alike Omar Bakri was solicited to say that the former squire to Lady Heather Mills would be cut by a million swords and the hole rogered by a billion jihadis should the ex-Beatle play Israel.
Now we learn via the pages of the Ealing Times that Sir Paul’s head has come off and abandoned on a train.
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Posted: 19th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
The End: George Hamilton Was Molested For His Tan At 12
MAHOGANY-toned George Hamilton says he was molested by his step-mother, when he was 12. He tells US TV show The View (a show where harpies compete to see who can bray the loudest):
The Viewsters don’t get that outraged about it. Joy Behar informs him that it was molestation, like “the teacher thing” we hear about these days. And Whoopi Goldberg reminds us that those were different times, when fathers brought their pubescent sons to “an older woman to initiate them.” Barbara is all “But his father didn’t exactly suggest it.”
Old Mr Anorak smiles wanly:
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Posted: 18th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
