Britney Spears In Paint Job Horror Ding

BREAKING Britney Spears news in the NOTW. Britney is shopping in a shop. Now read on…

The Womanizer star’s driver got caught up in a bumper bashing episode while the singer was shopping in West Hollywood. You can see the incident on our weekly round-up of the hottest news from Hollywood.

Other news:

Angelina Jolie housekeeper road tests new apron
Jennifer Aniston still not pregnant
Pickled Amy Winehouse sold by the jar
Lily Allen’s Tobacconist lights match…

Anorak

Posted: 12th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Fascist Émigré Madonna Threatens Sarah Palin

HERE’S MADONNA making threats of violence against Sarah Palin. Madonna demands Palin gets off her “street”. Madonna lives in London.SArah Plain lives in an annex of the USA.

Not that Palin got to see her name celebrated live in song – brave Madonna banned Palin from her concerts then threatened her. Cue song:

Sarah Palin is getting harder not to like all the time…

Anorak

Posted: 10th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Noel Gallagher Supports Global Warming And So Should You

NOEL Gallagher, the Oasis cretive force and stage diver, considers global warming and opines:

“I think global warming is brilliant.”

And we should listen. Over in Canada:

Dozens of prominent Quebec artists, scientists and media personalities joined about 60 environmental and social groups yesterday to launch a vast campaign to pressure Quebec’s Liberal government to cancel plans to refurbish the province’s only nuclear reactor.

David Suzuki beats the traffic to tell everyone:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 10th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

X Factor In Sex Change Shocker

HERE’S Austin Drage, X Factor finalist, doing his cover version of Bucks Fizz’s Makin’ Your Mind Up.

And if we wanna see some more… “No!” comes the cry. Get him off. But it’s too late. Alex whips off his Comfi-Slax to reveal a perfect ‘V’ that would shame the Red Arrows.

“I looked quite good as a woman,” says Austin, who is pictured rubbing his hairless chin.

This is “X FACTOR STAR SEX CHANGE SECRET”. It’s front-page news.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Chanelle Hayes’ Phone Sex Alternative

CHANELLE Hayes is showing Daily Star readers her backside.

These are Chanelle’s “Cheeky ways to enjoy the credit crunch”.

For just 35p, Star readers can hang up on those expensive phone sex chat lines and just stare at Chanelle while listening to a free CD of Thora Hird reciting the alphabet.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Private Photos Of Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt

WANT to see “PRIVATE PHOTOS” of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt?

Well, here they are on the cover of W magazine.

Shhh! Keep it just between us.

File under: Beyond parody…

Anorak

Posted: 9th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Serving Filth To Jamie Oliver

JAMIE Oliver takes time out from telling fat football fans oop north to eat well and tells us:

“In the old days I used to get the knickers and the bras. It was good. Filth whispered in me ears.

“He’s a w***er” (Times.

They’re just bored of me now. I’m just that geezer who keeps, you know, doing these worthy things around the country.”

Like shoving it down people’s throats…

Anorak

Posted: 9th, October 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (15)

Lily Allen Walks Up Steps

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Up The Wooden Hill

The Smile singer, 23, successfully made it up a flight of stone steps to reach the launch of of London’s trendy new Saatchie gallery in her Louis Vuitton shoes” – Amy Watts & Charli Morgan, Daily Star

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Anorak

Posted: 8th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Victoria Beckham Rubs Bird Poo On Her Face

THE Daily Star bring news that Victoria Beckham has taken to rubbing bird poo on her face.

The paper tells its readers peering up at a tree of nesting rooks that the “geisha face mask” has been used for centuries by Japanese women who, we must assume, could not afford more expensive treatments.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (15)

Lily Allen Stands Near A Man

LILY Allen News Of The Day: I stood near a man.

“It’s good to see this tall, dark, handsome stranger is putting some sunshine back into Lily Allen’s life… And that’s something for all of us to smile about” – Gordon Smart, The Sun

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Anorak

Posted: 8th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Jade Goody Wishes Osama Bin Laden Well

THOSE planning fro the death of Jade Goody should know that she is planning her funeral.

Nothing should explain her as much as her passing and, as the Sun notes, Jade wants:

“I want people to cry over me!”

Over in the Mirror, and Jayde says:

“There are people out there who think I deserve to be sick and to die, but I’d never wish this on anyone, not even Bin Laden, not that he has a womb.”

Anorak

Posted: 8th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (12)

Ronald McDonald Puts Paul McCartney’s Hair In A Bun

“WHAT sort of morons do McDonald’s think Beatles’ fans are,” asks Paul McCartney’s spokesman Geoff Baker.

The sort of morons who listen to records backwards, write their names on walls and think crossing the road is photo opportunity?

Says a PETA spokesman, the voice of dumb animals:

“He became a vegetarian after watching lambs play in field outside his home and surely would not want to use his likeness to promote meat.”

The Sun says that Macca “hit the roof” after a branch of McDonald’s in his native Liverpool put pictures of The Beatles on the walls “to attract customers”.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Emergency As Celebrity Police Force Misses Arrest

SIR Ian Blair is gone, and the Celebrity Police Force is looking for a new leader to be tough on celebrity crime. (Surely have his picture taken with some of the country’s best lag talent? – Ed).

And while the search goes on, the Star brings news that Big Brother reject Rex Nomark has, allegedly, smashed someone in the face with his belt.

In other times the alleged victim, known only as John, would be invited to give a statement to police, and the CPF would haul Rex in to the station for photos and autographs.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Gemma Atkinson Pulls On Jack Osbourne’s Rubber

TODAY Gemma Atkinson will be telling Daily Star readers about her “WILD ROMPS” with Jack Osbourne.

Jack is the son of vibrating pop sensation Ozzy Osbourne and pixie-voiced house-poo enthusiast Sharon Osbourne. Jack also wears glasses. That’s Jack.

Gemma is a former soap actress, wannabe Wag and the owner of two signed Cristiano Ronaldo that she keeps close to her heart beneath the skin on her chest.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (10)

Farewell Cruel World: The Search For The Perfect Iceberg

DEAR Anorak, How do I save the world? Here’s how:

Follow the Cape Farewell expedition to the Arctic, the frontline of climate change, with over 40 artists, scientists and musicians onboard including Jarvis Cocker.

It’s great. Here’s intrepid global warming explorer Francesca Galeazzi on “The search for the perfect iceberg”.

Yesterday for me was a roller-coaster of emotions: determination and failure, hope and fear, anticipation and disappointment.

We could cry but our tears would turn to ice…

One of my projects on board consisted of an artistic response to the melting and retreat of glaciers as result of climate change.

Oh?

My response was to place a park bench on a newly formed iceberg or floating ice-shelf off the fast-moving coast of West Greenland. A bench which, in its fragility and remoteness, becomes a silent witness of the dramatic changes that are occurring in the Arctic. A bench with nobody to sit on.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Brad Pitt Product Places Barack Obama

BRAD Pitt: actor. Barack Obama: politico. Who needs who more?

Product placement…

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comments (3)

Daryl Hannah And the PETA Patter Of Tiny Hypocrites

VEGAN actress Daryl Hannah, a supporter of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, wears suede boots to Richard Branson’s party. How so? Says Hannah:

“They were my mum’s. I only wear leather when it’s a gift.”

Like her…

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (10)

Bruce Springsteen Loses House In Credit Crunch

BRUCE Springsteen has lost his house in the credit crunch:

Mr. Springsteen likened the country to a house that needs rebuilding: “I don’t know about you, but I want my house back…” – NY Times

The Boss is on the streets…

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money | Comment

Amy Winehouse Sicko: You Can Hear Mitch Winehouse Shaking

WITH Blaaaake Fielder-Dreams in jail, Amy Wineshouse’s professional dad Mitch is the singer’s man at large.

Today the Sun brings news of a letter Mitch has received from Blake. It’s “Blake’s sicko threats to Mitch.” Says a source:

“I could hear Mitch physically shaking when he phoned to tell me about the letter. He couldn’t even bring himself to read it out loud as it was just too sickening.”

Maybe if he took his cab keys out of his pocket he’d make less noise?

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Zeroes For Heroes: Simon Cowell Fights On The Front Lines

WHAT better way to salute the British armed forces than by instructing 12 wannabe singers and budding celebs to sing a warbling version of Mariah Carey’s Hero?

Answer: none.

The Sun features the X Factor’s first ever song for charity, and hears Simon Cowell say that:

“It’s too good an opportunity to pass up.”

Indeed, even in war there is opportunity for spivs, arms manufacturers and entertainers to get rich and famous. For Vera Lynn, read four-piece girl group Bad Lashes.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Lindsay Lohan Calls BOAST

LINDSAY Lohan makes a call to Anorak’s Celebrity Baby Ordering And Star Treatment Service (BOAST)…

“At some point I want to adopt a child in need or a newborn from another country”

Old Mr Anorak is wearing his nappy as we speak…

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Big Brother Housemates: The Cull Begins

“BIG BROTHER stars in bloodbath,” screams the Daily Star. “AMAZING STREET BATTLE.”

And so the cull is upon us. OMA Law Of Perpetual Celebrity states:

“For every one new celebrity created an existing celebrity should be thrown onto the EU Celebrity Mountain; there should be no more than 62 front-line celebrities at any one moment; one must be called Noel Edmonds.”

If you want to find what happened to H from Steps, Caprice and Faria Alam go to Silo 13245b on the complex that borders Brussels Airport. Wear boots, overalls and no branded merchandise.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Lily Allen Stands On Her Feet

LILY Allen news of the day:

“LILY Allen, 23, looks more like a rain-soaked refugee than chart-humping singer as she stands outside a club in London” – Goss, Daily Star

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Nicole Kidman Has Been Dipped In…

THE cover of Elle magazine. Nicole Kidman’s face has the texture and finish of a fresh-laid egg. Is this her? What has Nicole Kidman been dipped in? And she was once married to Tom Cruise…

Is she pulling back her hair or her head?

Anorak

Posted: 5th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comments (3)

Proud Of You: Victoria Beckham Is Proud Of Katie Holmes

PROUD Of You – Anorak’s look at people being proud of others. The more tenuous the link, the better…

“We can’t wait to come support Katie… Her husband Tom Cruise says she’s amazing, The reviews have been amazing. We’re so proud of her” – Victoria Beckham is proud of Katie Holmes

It’s Anorak’s proudest Victoria Beckham moment to date…

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 4th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)