Sock A Mum: Victoria Beckham Wears Gloves In Bed

VICTORIA Beckham goes to bed wearing socks and gloves.

This is not to best please Day-vid, who is building up to the day he gets his wife to wear a full balaclava and tuxedo in the bedroom, but to prevent her from ageing.

Says Vicky:

“I put really thick foot lotion on with socks before I go to sleep. I also use thick hand cream with gloves at the same time.”

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Soldier Ant: Ant And Dec Fight In Afghanistan

DECLAN Donnelly and Ant McPartlin are in Afghanistan.

While the enemy has boy soldiers, we have soldiers who look like toddlers. The Mirror leads with news that both are under attack.

The tots are in the war zone on the pretext of presenting our squaddies with Daily Mirror Pride of Britain awards, plastic medallions featuring the faces of EastEnders Mitchell brothers and the legend: “REAL NEWS… REAL ENTERTAINMENT, 40p.”

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Jade Goody’s Epithet Of The Day

JADE Goody epithet of the day:

“BATTLING Jade Goody looks deep in thought yesterday as she prepares for another cancer fight” – Sun

More on Battling Jade to follow…

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Back To Celebrity School With Peaches Geldof

THE headline “PEACHES: SPEND NIGHT WITH ME FOR £5K,” may bring readers to the conclusion that desperate Peaches Geldof is working as a good time girl.

It turns out that Peaches is being paid to attend “A list parties”.

So says the Star. But Anorak wonders if an A-list party needs a D-list starlet? And if the A-list party treasury committee have heard of the EU Celebrity Mountain and that you can hire a jobbing celeb for the whiff of a flashbulb and a pint of creme de menthe.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Chanelle Hayes Exposes Omar Bakri’s Plot For Jihad In The Pole Dancing Club

DAYS on from news that mad mullah Omar Bakri paid for his daughter’s boob job and the plan to bring jihad to the country’s gentlemen’s clubs is curtailed.

The Star brings the front-page news that Chanelle Hayes will NOT be having her chest enlarged.

The Big Brother strumpet has made her decision in response to a Star reader’s poll. Tough on the War On Terror, and as patriotic as the next scaffolder, Star readers are turning their backs on artificial breasts, staring Islamofascism in the chest and saying “No”.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Paul Newman Is Dead But There Are Icons Aplenty

PAUL Newman is dead. And the Daily Express’s Robert Gore-Langton asks: “WHERE HAVE ALL THE ICONS GONE?”

A trawl through the paper’s website reveals that they have gone into the huge file maked “Icon”:

Tonight sees the 90th birthday celebrations of one of the world’s most iconic and influential figures – Nelson Mandela.

SHE is the undisputed fashion icon of her generation – Kate Moss

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Nigel Lawson’s Law: All Fat Peopel Want To Look Rich

NIGELLA Lawson would like to tell Mail readers about her husband Charles Saatchi’s “nine eggs a day diet.”

In an exclusive interview with The Mail on Sunday’s You magazine today, 48-year-old Ms Lawson says her husband’s ‘completely mad eggs, eggs and more eggs diet’ now means that he is thinner than her.

Anorak recalls how former chancellor of the Exchequer Nigel Lawson, the masculine singular root of Nigella, also lost a shed load of weight.

It seems odd that the two males most associated with Nigella both now resemble the Christmas turkey that got away.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Paul Newman RIP: To Remember On Our Salads

PAUL Newman is dead. RIP. To remember on our salads:

A screen test Newman did with James Dean for “East of Eden,” circa 1955….

The Newman Foundation issued this statement:

“Paul Newman’s craft was acting. His passion was racing. His love was his family and friends. And his heart and soul were dedicated to helping make the world a better place for all. Paul had an abiding belief in the role that luck plays in one’s life, and its randomness. He was quick to acknowledge the good fortune he had in his own life, beginning with being born in America, and was acutely aware of how unlucky so many others were. True to his character, he quietly devoted himself to helping offset this imbalance. An exceptional example is the legacy of Newman’s Own. What started as something of a joke in the basement of his home, turned into a highly-respected, multi-million dollar a year food company. And true to form, he shared this good fortune by donating all the profits and royalties he earned to thousands of charities around the world, a total which now exceeds $250 million. While his philanthropic interests and donations were wide-ranging, he was especially committed to the thousands of children with life-threatening conditions served by the Hole in the Wall Camps, which he helped start over 20 years ago. He saw the Camps as places where kids could escape the fear, pain and isolation of their conditions, kick back, and raise a little hell. Today, there are 11 Camps around the world, with additional programs in Africa and Vietnam. Through the Camps, well over 135,000 children have had the chance to experience what childhood was meant to be.

“We will miss our friend Paul Newman, but are lucky ourselves to have known such a remarkable person.”

Anorak

Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

Jade Goody Wants Daily Mirror Readers To Tell The Kids

“HOW DO I TELL THE KIDS?” asks Jade Goody on the Mirror’s foremost news page.

Jade speaks not only of all the world’s children, but specifically of her own. Jade wants to know how to tell her children she has cancer. And the Mirror wants its readers to help.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Sacha Baron Cohens’ Bruno Models In Milan

SACHA Baron Cohen is appearing at the Agatha Ruiz de la Prada’s fashion show in Milan.

Baron Cohen is in Milan to film “Bruno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Male.”

They only knew he was a model because he was about thirty years too old…

Via

Anorak

Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lily Allen Wears A Necklace

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s Uzi Scuzi

Singer Lily Allen scored more than a fashion own goal, when she was seen wearing a gold necklace with an Uzi machine gun pendant hanging from it – Daily Mail

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Anorak

Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (17)

Paul McCartney Urged To Give Peace A Chance

“I’M bringing a message of peace,” says Paul McCartney.

He’s bringing his message of peace with massive amplifiers and a one-man Beatles tribute act.

“Peace,” says the crowd in Tal Aviv.
“Peace,” says Sir Paul.
“Peace,” says the crowd.
“Peace,” says sir Paul.

“Shut up already!” says the crowd…

“Give peace a chance,” says Sir Paul…

Anorak

Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)

Spice Girl Mel B Auctions Off Her Former Selves

“I HOPE that people have fun bidding for piece of me,” says Mel C, the former Spice Girl and Carol Jackson acolyte.

Old Mr Anorak has always quote fancied Mel’s left bosom as a novelty soap dispenser.

And he and you can bid for that and more. Also up for sale is “the designer frock she wore when she met Nelson Mandela.”

Anorak

Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Cheryl Cole Can More Than She’s Cried

“I CAN’T CRY ANY MORE THAN I’VE CRIED,” says Cheryl Cole in OK! magazine.

“SOBBING CHERYL’S AXE FACTOR,” announces the Star’s cover page. “She’s told: Stop all that snivelling or you’re out.”

Cheryl can cry when teh job demands it.

As a judge on the X Factor talent show, Cheryl and has correctly realised that the point of the thing is to reveal the judges to be caring, sensitive, talented people who can cry as some sad sack with adult acne/ a poorly mum/ starving brown bay-bies sings a version of a Bette Midler song.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Amy Winehouse Is Sick On Harvey Nichols

HARVEY Nichols loaned Amy Winehouse £25,000-worth of clothes. And the store got it all back. As the Mirror notes:

“She ended up in the loos, where she was violently sick. She eventually couriered them back on Monday, but didn’t wrap them separately. So sick had gone on all the clothes.”

“Even worse, green, furry mould had developed on some gowns, making them unwearable. The store has now asked for its £25k back.”

Of course, this might be the start of a new fashion. Ashley Cole has been notified….

Anorak

Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

McCartney Plays Israel And The Super Furry Animals Die

PAUL McCartney is to play Israel, and the suicide bomber will try to hit a moving target as Macca’s head wobbles this way and that.

“We have worked it out,” says the Indy’s front page

All you need is 5,000 bodyguards – £1.5million security blitz to protect Macca from security threats,” says the Mirror, in words that Yasser Arafat look-alike Ringo Starr would put to music.

But what if… what if Macca is killed?

Anorak

Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Javine Hylton Summons The Celebrity Police Force

JAVINE HYLTON has been arrested by the Celebrity Police Force, reports the Sun.

Javine was arrested after, allegedly, “leaving a foul-mouthed voicemail for her ex-manager”.

Readers may believe that obscene phone calls are Javine’s new work, her singing career having hit the skids since the halcyon days of failing to get a place in Girls Aloud and flashing a nipple (hers) on Eurovision.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

On The Sofa With Jordan’s Off-Cuts

CHANTELLE Houghton is a Big Brother housemate emeritus.

And now the Big Brother fanzine known as the Daily Star brings front-page news: “MY MARRIAGE WAS A BIG BROTHER FAKE.”

Chantelle, a woman comprised of Jordan’s rendered off-cuts – bits of Jordan are pressed together and piled onto Chanelle in the manner of chicken fillets onto a shish kebab – is on the telly with Piers Morgan in his show The Dark Side Of Fame.

Says she:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Nicole Kidman Conceives In Fertile Waters

CELEBRITIES don’t have children; celebrities have miracles and anecdotes.

Nicole Kidman’s miracle is called Sunday Rose, more commanding than Old Mr Anorak’s latest progeny, the rosy-fingered Dawn Rose, and blessed with a ray of life-giving light.

But how did this gift occur? Nicole Kidman reveals all:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)

Desperate Housewives Call For Desperate Air Brushing

THE Desperate Housewives arer getting younger and smoother.

Source

Anorak

Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comment (1)

Cheryl Cole’s Water Retention And Karma Suits Yer

CHERYL COLE wants you to know that “I CAN’T CRY ANY MORE THAN I’VE CRIED.”

Cheryl Cole has suffered, although not from water retention.

“I WAS CLINICALLY DEPRESSED AND UNDER SIX STONE,” says the headline.

Moving inside OK!, past “CHERYL WALKS AND TALKS” to Cheryl weeps and wails.

It’s not all about Cheryl, and this is a feature on she and her Girls Aloud bandmates. And we will get to whatsherface, the skinny one, the very skinny one and the one with the red-hair soon enough.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (4)

Gordon Brown Should Have Married Jade Goody

ALONGSIDE news that Gordon Brown used his address to Labour Party conference to talk about himself and say that we was not a celebrity, and talk about “the real me” some more, is a picture of Jade Goody.

One cannot help but feel that had Brown employed Jayyde as his warm-up act rather than his functional wife Sarah, he might have received a fillip in the polls.

Might Jade Goody do for beige Brown what Sarah Palin has done for grey John McCain in the US: distract voters from looking at him?

Anorak

Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comments (10)

Robbie Williams Catches Big Foot

IN “ROBBIE GOES APE”, Daily Star readers are told that Robbie Williams has emerged from a “12-week exile dressed in a gorilla suit”.

Further in, and the suit is billed as that of a “gibbon”; although both beasts do allow the Star the chance to say that Williams has gone “bananas”.

There’s the pun: there’s the news story. There’s the call from Peta.

But…

Anorak

Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Courtney Love Needs An Anally Retentive Documentarist, Apply Here

COURTNEY Love is looking for housekeeper/documnetartist. Cleaners who might want to put a steadycam on their heads, can apply:

this is wierd but what the fuck
Current mood: cantankerous

Aura: Dusty.

is anyone insanely clean neatfreak near malibu? i need a non thieving non freaky housekeeper

Is anyone a clean freak in California? How many hundreds of thousands of people do you want?

also i need we need a documentarist, someone to document our studio as we go in wedsday, and i have ALOT of work to do til then and i wont just hand this to hbo or bbc 2 or bravo and god forbid not vh1!

Caution:

A DOCUMENATRY NOT A REALITY SHOW. get in touch with jason whp will further put you in touch with jason wienberg at untitled.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money | Comments (3)

Jenna Jameson’s Doggy Style Twins And Baby Romp Suits

AS REPORTED on Anorak, US porn star Jenna Jameson is expecting twins.

The father of the babies Silicone and Lube is one TITO ORTIZ.

The Sun says he is a “fighter”, and wonder he would have to be, or else the winner of the best in lapdog section of Crufts.

Anorak wishes mother, Tito and children well, and looks forward to the birth video…

Jenna Jameson Does Baby Fashion
Celebrity Quote Of the Day: Jenna Jameson’s Catholic Condoms
When Porn Stars Retire: Jenna Jameson’s Mainstream Exposure
Women’s History With Porn Stars: Hillary Clinton Is Jenna Jameson

Picture: GOTA

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)