The A To D Of Big Brother

ANY would be Big Brother contestants can peer into the Daily Star’s crystal ball and plot their post-show careers.

In “BIG BROTHER BITES BACK” the paper lists the staging posts of Big Brother housemates emeritus:

Death threats
Unemployment
Sex scandals
Depression

One point of order, though: if you are going to become depressed, try to ensure it’s bi-polar, or whatever form of mental illness is in vogue…

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Chip Shape Victoria Beckham Calls The Baby Ordering Service

“I’M not even trying to get pregnant at the moment,” says Victoria Beckham, batting off advances from the Sun’s Victoria Newton and a loaded turkey baster.

Instead Her Poshness wants to make use of the Celebrity Baby Ordering Service, the Anorak agency that logs all demands for babies from our elite stars.

Says Posh:

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Anorak

Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (14)

BBC Is Hung Up On David Blaine

EXHIBITIONIST David Blaine is hanging upside down over a section of New York’s Central Park.

Anyone walking below Blaine should take an umbrella lest his catheter break, and, for similar reasons, a bucket and towel.

His hanging is a lead story on the BBC’s Breakfast show, on which presenters are invited to walk the fine line between snooty and trashy. Watching is not enough unlike tuning into a dinner conversation at a provincial golf club.

Sian Williams – who for deaf viewers and anyone who might want to draw their one conclusions attempts to read the news with her eyes alone (wide for a happy story; narrow for sad; squinting for disapproval) – wonders why anyone in their right mind should want to see Blaine hanging upside down.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (16)

Lily Allen’s Key II

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s keys II

Lily Allen managed to keep a Smile on her face after locking herself out of her new North London home – Gordon Smart, The Sun

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Victoria Beckham Runs On Chips

SUN readers can learn today why Victoria Beckham has “finally started to smile”.

Beneath a picture of Her Poshness, the Sun’s other front-page story is: “DAD KILLS TWO TOTS”. We wonder if these exclusives are linked and Posh has developed a darker, meaner character?

Inside the paper, we learn that Posh is happy because: “I’m eating more, I run 4 miles a day and I shop less.”

If she ran to the shops, Sticky Vicky could combine her twin passions and not be so hard on herself? Better yet, if Posh were to have her keep-fit trainer run just ahead of her trailing a hearty rice cake and a mirror?

And why else is Vicky smiling-ish?

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Anorak

Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (15)

Strychnine Come Dancing: Jessie Wallace Declares War

JESSIE Wallace “EXPLODES”.

With Big Brother at an end, the Daily Star mans the news wires and looks elsewhere for news.

And it finds the sensation that Jessie Wallace, the former EastEnder starring as a trainer dancer on Strictly Come Dancing, has called model Jodie Kidd a “horse” and actress Cherie Lunghi a “snob”.

And when Jessie Wallace explodes, you’d best duck lest a sequin take an eye out. This is “war”.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)

Lily Allen’s Camper Keys

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s keys

So we weren’t surprised to see this snap of Lily, 23, laughing her wellies off after dad Keith locked his car keys inside his camper” – Daily Star, Goss Girls

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Alan Sugar Urges Those With Big Balls To Get Behind Gordon Brown

IF only The Apprentice’s Alan Sugar could fire Gordon Brown. But Sir Alan only wants the best staff to fill that office job vacancy in Brentwood.

Can he make Gordon an offer he cannot ignore, perhaps pushing Sugar’s new range of Amstrad teeth whitening fluid?

Here’s Sir Alan championing his man at the start of the Labour Party conference. You may need to wash you teeth after reading this: 

“My company got into big trouble at the end of the eighties. I was into the banks for £150million. That was a lot of money then. I had £300million pounds of inventory and I also had a bunch of executives that had enjoyed the rise to fame.

“I called them all in for a meeting and I said, ‘Those of you who are worried about tarnishing your CVs who might wanna leave what they perceive to be a sinking ship like rats, clear off now. And those of you that are with me we’re going to go into battle and sort this out.’

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Anorak

Posted: 21st, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comments (23)

Brave Jade Goody Is Sobbing

“I’M IN pain but I won’t tell my boys,” says Jade Goody in the news of the World.

Better, perhaps, Jade’s little pork balls read it themselves, or learn it from one of their classmates whose mum or dad reads the NOTW.

As ever celebrity cancer-victim Jade Goody has an epithet. Having been, “Crack” Jade Goody, “BRAVE Jade Goody,” and “WEEPING Jade Goody”, she now appears as “SOBBING Jade Goody”.

Jade has enjoyed a type of fame for some years now but still the papers resist calling her “TROUBLED Jade Goody”. How she has tried to attain the ultimate qualifier, but it stubbornly remains the preserve of for A-listed like Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Why We all Love Heather Mills, By Heather Mills

CELBERITY Qutoe Of the day: Heather Mills on our love for her:

“I have had nothing but very warm support from the public throughout all this. No one has ever said anything nasty to me,not once. Once when I was with Beatrice in a playground in Brighton, a young woman threw her arms around me in tears, telling me I was an inspiration for all women.”

So say the woman born Penny Lane all those moons ago…

Anorak

Posted: 20th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Caption This: When Cliff Met Cherie

CLIFF Richard and Cherie Blair… Or is it? You never see Tony and Cliff in the same place at the same time…

Your captions, please…

Anorak

Posted: 20th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism, Politicians | Comments (23)

Sex Change Youth Kim Petras Sings For Record Label

THIS is Kim Petras, the German boy who at the age of 12 became the world’s youngest person to start hormone treatments for a sex change operation.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Strange But True | Comments (13)

The Secret Of Pamela Anderson’s Figure Revealed

HOW did pneumatic Pamela Anderson get to look like that? As she reveals on This Morning:

“My kids keep me in shape”

Blow, boys, blow…

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Robbie Williams Is The Aliens’ Ambassador For Planet Earth

“TAAAAAAYYYYKE me to your leeed-der!” sing the aliens, having been taught the language by Robbie Williams.

With neither Barack Obama nor John McCain yet declared leader of the world, and the Labour Party with no fewer than 17 leaders at any one time, the aliens’ demand may spark as much confusion as it does dread and wonder.

But before the invasion, rich and single Robbie Williams needs to meet the space hoppers, which Michael C. Luckman, director of the New York Centre for Extraterrestrial Research, says might happen.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Snap, Bang, Wallop At Scott Maslen’s EastEnders-Themed Wedding

SCOTT Maslen’s wedding, and the stars have come out to shine, literally.

For just £2.00 HELLO! offers its readers a ready source of heat and light. One look at the sun-kissed faces of Scott’s EastEnders and The Bill co-stars and you feel as warm and snug as a jalapeno pepper up a camel’s bum.

“ALL the GUESTS,” says the cover page. “ALL THE GOSSIP.”

To Hertfordshire, where Scott is marrying Estelle Rubio, herself named after a star. They met nine years ago at 11 minutes past 11 on the 11 of August.

“They look as if they have stepped off the top of a wedding cake,” says Scott’s fellow EastEnders’ star Perry Fenwick.

We never do see the shoes and examine them for sings of frangipani, but our attention is moved by a sound from the toilets. The Sun takes up the tale:

“Scott’s pal was an usher but made a speech and it was filled with swear words. He called Scott a TV w****r and went on about their past.

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Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comments (2)

Sky Viewers Pay For Noel Edmonds’ GCHQ

NOEL Edmonds has taken time out from his conversations with God to say he’d rather got to jail than pay his TV licence fee.

(Says one viewer of Deal Or No Deal: “Dead Anroak, I did not know that – 100% of FACT – One in every 10,000 boxes on Deal or No Deal says ‘Punch Noel Edmonds in the face.’”)

The Star says Edmonds already has one registered to his home address, so lags can rest easy.

Noel’s on Sky 1, infiltrating satellite dishes with his Noel’s HQ. It’s a version of his Noel’s House Party with the added blob of consumer advice and Noel telling us “the politicians have failed”. Now it’s Noel’s chance to rule the land.

It’s Noel’s GCHQ, and he’s listening.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Cheryl Cole’s Private Affair Made Public

CHERYL Cole is back with her vomitous Ashley Sole. She wearing her wedding ring. Although, the Mirror says it might be a ring that was a present for her second anniversary.

Or it might be a spaghetti hoop that got lodged in Ashley’s throat, or a clutch of diamonds that became entangled in the toilet paper and stuck to Cheryl’s fingers?

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Lily Allen News Of The Day: Coronation Street’s New Bra Maid

LILY Allen news of the day: Corrie! Cop a load of our Lily…

Lily is mistaken for Coronation Street’s Kym Marsh – Daily Star

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Celebrity News Of The Day: Jennifer Aniston Is Rushing

THERE’S a picture of Hollywood actress Jennider Aniston in the Daily Mirror. But why?

“Jennifer Aniston seems to be in a bit of a rush – perhaps she’s heading for a date with a new Friend?”

Yeah, perhaps…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Meeting Juliette Binoche

CELEBRITY Quote Of The Day: Juliette Binoche would lke to meet Juliette Binoche:

How can I say what my new performance will be about? It’s impossible, and there can be no diagnosis until the audience takes what they get, the medicine on the spoon…

It just happens that I’m acting because I’m in the process of meeting someone, myself, on the way back…

It is the same thing whether I’m painting or acting. The common denominator is in the movement. I don’t dance but I paint in the air. Or I don’t paint, but I dance on the paper…

Look out for Juliette dancing with Juliette on Strictly Come Painting…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comment (1)

Italian Virgin For Sale And Danielle Lloyd’s On Offer

SHOWGIRL, mo-del and Big Brother star emeritus Raffella Fico, 20, tells Italian magazine Chi:

“I can’t wait to see who’s going to pull out the money to have me. I don’t know what it’s like to have sex.”

Miss Fico is selling her virginity.

Now over to the UK, where Danille Lloyd is on the Star’s cover page: “DANI LLOYD – She’s naked & wants you.”

Since Danielle swore off footballers, she’s been looking for a new gig. And it might be you. Inside the paper and Danielle is offering Star readers the chance to win a date with here.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Strange But True | Comments (9)

Allah Is A Bruce Willis Fan

ALLAH made me watch Bruce WIllis. No, not Mel Gibson, whose films Allah directs. You had me at Taser:

A 40-year-old man walking his dog in the nude Friday night in northwest Tallahassee was Tasered by police when he became belligerent and refused to follow an officer’s commands…. When asked what he was doing, the man told the officer, “Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog,” McCranie said.

Armageddon! Armageddon!!

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Strange But True | Comments (7)

What Britney Spears Sounds Like Naked

THIS is what Britney Spears sounds like naked:

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Lily Allen Wears Shoes

LILY Allen News Of The Day

“Silly, billy Lily Allen. Here she is trolling off to have her passport picture taken. And what has she taken the time and trouble to do? Wear these ridiculous high heels, that’s what… But hang on, Lily, 23, can’t be wearing these towering monstrosities for the paparazzi, can she?” – Daily Star’s goss girls

There are two pictures of Lily, one of her head – which may save her the need for passport shots should the others not work out…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

Kat Deluna Murders The US National Anthem

IT’S pop sen-sation Kat Deluna. Yaaaaaay! Kat by name, cat by singing style.

Ms Deluna was commandeered to sing the national anthem of the US of A at the start of an American Football match. Americans love to hear their national anthem, it being proof that despite so much evidence to the contrary, theirs is the land of the brave and free.

For similar reasons, the Chinese national anthem begins “Arise, ye who refuse to be slaves!” the French chant “To arms, to arms, ye brave!” and Russians sing up for, “Long live our Fatherland, land of the free, The eternal union of brothers nations.”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities | Comments (14)