Jennifer Ellison Puts Her Backs Into Her New Title

JENNIFER Ellison is the Rear of the Year.

Who knew that after years of pushing her chest into lad’s mags and red-top newspapers, it would be the back of the blonde former soap actress we’d love best?

Knickers off to our Jen.

But there is controversy: Who voted for Ellison’s backside, when no-one has ever seen it..?

Anorak

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Sarah Palin Watch: Paris Hilton’s Moose In Lipstick

SARAH Palin Watch: Anorak’s look at Sarah Palin in the British media…

BRIAN READE (Mirror): One of Reade’s “Big Questions”

“SARAH PALIN admitting she still gets up at 3am to hunt moose. If she fails to make vice-president, will she do a showbiz column with Paris Hilton and Kelly Osbourne called the 3am Moose.”

Back Obama can use that joke against women’s looks, if he likes…

Anorak

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (10)

Overheard On TV: Jeremy Kyle Asks…

OVERHEARD on TV: Jeremy Kyle on the Jeremy Kyle show:

Jeremy Kyle: How to you handle the fact your girlfriend is out there sleeping with 30 or 40 men a week.

Bear in cage: She’s not my girlfriend any more

More insights from the media to follow…

Anorak

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (14)

War On Wannabe: Big Brother Chooses Its Biggest Weapon

HAVING survived the Hadron Collider (for now), we are now to endure the “WAR” of the Big Brother “BABES”.

For those of you who watched big Brother, it might come as some shock to know that it featured actual babes and not just the slappers ordinaire, of which reality TV has an endless vat.

But know that drippy blonde Nicole Cammack is a babe, and so too is radioactive Stephanie McMichael.

They are at “WAR”, as the Star’s front page screams, and the chosen weapon is Rex Newmark.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Judy Finnigan Replaces Fern Britton On This Morning

FERN Britton is the Express’s blonde-cover-du-jour.

And get a load of that gastric band, which seems to have pushed Lyvita Fern’s famous tum-tum all the way up into her bra.

“Fern’s curves cause rather a stir on TV,” says the Express. And for those of you circling life’s plug hole – journalists, the institutionalised and those waiting in a Dorset garage for their car to be fixed (don’t ask) – it is nothing short of sensation.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Anthrax Alice Dellal Is the New Cocaine Kate

OVERLOOKING the story “MODEL IN ‘I DID NOT TAKE COCAINE’” shocker, the Sun leads with a picture of one Alice Dellal “sprawled over what appears to be a thick line of cocaine.”

Of course, the woman dubbed the “new Kate Moss” by the paper is not all that fat, a condition that may make the line of powders white (anthrax?) appear fatter than if it were sat before someone, well, fatter.

To put the tin lid on the drugs and celebrity angle, Dellal is said to be a “pal” of one Peaches Geldof, a desperado not seen since the days of Sancho Panza.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Victoria Beckham Leeches Jennifer Lopez

VICTORIA Beckham has new hairdooo.

It’s front-page news in the Sun, Daily Star, Daily Mirror (PETER PAN POSH”), Daily Mail (“short Becks and sides”), and the Daily Express (“Urchin”).

The Sun’s Page 3, Keeley Hazell, says “it suits her”.

Readers get to see her Poshness’s new haircut as she steps out with Jennfier Lopez, aka Jenny Who Owns the Block.

As the picture shows, Posh is the one on the left, who has seemingly leached the colour from the once orangey-brown J-Lo.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Great Sporting Injuries: Fabian Espindola’s Own Goal

GREAT SPORTING INJURIES: Fabian Espindola, of Us soccer ball team Real Salt Lake, sis out for at least a month, thanks to a bad ankle sprain suffered when he did a backflip after a goal against David Beckham’s LA Galaxy on Saturday.

Update: A disallowed goal.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities | Comment (1)

Did Heather Mills Lie On Her Apprentice CV?

THANKS to the Sun we know that Heather Mills will not be appearing on the Celebrity Apprentice.

Mills will not be taking a pointy finger form Donald Trump, eh of the tsunami hair, as she is fired for failing to sell musical knickers at the televised fiscal-celebrity interface.

The Sun says this is because Lady Heather wanted a clause in her contract that ensured she would be in the show’s final.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (8)

Shane Richie Shows Us His Lolita Blue Range Of Mucus

SHANE Richie is cradling his newborn daughter Lolita Belle.

She goes with his son who goes by the name Mackenzie Blue.

Why Shane Richie names his children after ranges Laura Ashley pelmet fabrics we never discover in the course of his interview in Hello!. But there is more to learn.

And matters quickly run to the issue of sex.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comments (5)

Daily Mirror Rerouts Cisco Away From Prince Harry

THE story so far: the Mirror says Prince Harry Baseball Cap is at his Boujis club, where he is involved in a binge drinking exhibition with one Cisco Adler.

Says the paper’s 3am Girls one day on:

“So Cisco participated in his own flashy drinking games rocking up a massive bar bill, unlike Harry who merely cosied up and relaxed with Chelsy. Bless!”

The Mirror has the story covered, from all angles…

Anorak

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Kid Rock’s Bedtime Listening

CELEBRITY Quote Of the Day: Form Mr Pamela Anderson Kid Rock’s bedtime listening…

“I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in years. My brain never stops. So I put a notepad by the bed and recorders round the house. It was during the early hours I got the idea for All Summer Long and it turned out to be huge.”

That’s what happens when you go to bed with the radio on and its playing old hit songs.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Peaches Geldof Is A Un-Provocateur

PEACHES Geldof is the new celebrity arse of Agent Provocateur, the knickers shop. Says a spokesperson for the brand (that’s AP not PG):

“She’s hot, young and of the moment. She’s got an edginess about her and we like the face of the firm to have that hint of danger. We’ve no doubt she’ll be a huge success.”

Danger…!

Anorak

Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money | Comments (12)

It’s 3am And Sarah Palin Hears Liz Tyler’s Moose Call

SAYS Liv Tyler (actress) within range of moose huntin’ Sarah Palin:

“I’m over six feet in heels and I feel like such a moose” – Liz Tyler, Bazaar magazine

It’s 3am and Sarah Palin is reading Bazaar magazine…

Anorak

Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comments (2)

The One About The Hadron Collider And Jade Goody

WHAT have the Hadron Collider and Jade Goody got in common? Satan?

Fergus Shanahan and the Sun put their minds to it:

Says Shanahan (Sun deputy editor): “What would you miss most if the world ends tomorrow”?

Shanahan says he would least miss Jade Goody, who might have just ten years to live…

Read extracts from Goody’s new book in the, er, Sun…

Jack’s rages left me sobbing and shaking with fear

This would be the same Jack Tweed billed as Jade’s rock? And this would be “brave” Jade?

Anorak

Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Jamie Oliver And A Battery Farmed Prince Charles

CELEBRITY Quote of the day: Jamie Oliver And A Battery Farmed Prince Charles.

Prince Charles thanks Jamie Oliver for rekindling children’s interest…in food. Says Oliver’s spokesman:

“He is as much a fan of his Royal Highness as HRH is of him.”

Rex Newmark has his work cut out…

Anorak

Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, TV & Radio | Comment

Big Brother’s Rex Wants To Be More Hated Than Jamie Oliver

BIG Brother’s REX Newsmark is “HATED”. Anorak asked the typing pool to make a list of the most hated people in the UK. They came up with:

• Jamie Oliver
• Noel Edmonds
• Naomi Campbell
• Osama bin Laden
• Rex Newmark
• Gary Glitter
• Gordon Brown
• Nicole Cammack
• The French
• Anthea Turner

Indeed, Rex is hated. The star is right, as ever. And here Rex tells us:

Anorak

Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Danielle Lloyd’s Neck Is Long Over Jew

DANIELLE Lloyd has had a new tattoo inked (etched?) down the nape of her orangey-brown neck.

This is “Dani’s Posh new tattoo,” says the Star.

For those of you reading Danielle from the rear, the tattoo spells: “Only god can judge me.”

Anorak

Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (22)

Oasis’ Noel Gallagher Getting Pushed Off Stage

Oasis’ Noel Gallagher Getting Pushed Off Stage…

Anorak

Posted: 8th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

Plagiarism: Linda La Plante’s Work Entwined With The Five Chimneys

LINDA La Plante denies copying passges of her book Entwined from a 1947 book called Five Chimneys, by a Holocaust survivor, Olga Lengyel.

La Plante:

What conception could Dr Mengele have had of the medical work he did in the camp? His experiments, lacking scientific value, were no more than foolish playing, and all his activities were full of contradictions.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 8th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (3)

Russell Brand’s Retarded Call For World President Obama

THE BBC is leading with news of MTV’s 25th annual Video Music Awards.

It features Britney Spears, and the news that she didn’t do anything newsworthy, and Russell Brand, the try-hard comedian and watered down Jerry Sadowitz.

Brand has got his big break. What will risqué, outrageous, cray-zee Russell do? And note that the man whose style he apes began a show in Canada with “Hell Moose-f*****s” and a gig for anti-racism with “Nelson Mandela… What a ****!”

Says Russell Brand:

“Please, America, elect Barack Obama. On behalf of the world.”

Anorak

Posted: 8th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, TV & Radio | Comments (39)

Benefit TV: Jeremy Kyle Gets Britain Working

IT’S Jeremy Kyle Gets Britain Working. In between adverts for women slipping on floors, men falling off ladders and Carol Vorderman selling cheap debt, Kyle will be abusing those on benefits.

This may indeed be the break back into daytime telly Voderman’s been waiting for as she uses her tight skirt (surely massive brain? –Ed) to work out how much the layabout on stage has cost Britain‘s hard working people.

You know, the grafters, like the ones spending their day sat in a TV studio baying for blood.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (9)

Jade Goody Takes Crackling

SURELY a misprint on the Sun’s front page: “JADE TOOK CRACK.” Might the front-page headline read: “JADE TOOK CRACKLING?”

But no.

The story is that porcine Jade has “sensationally confessed to taking crack cocaine”. The still bigger shock is that she didn’t enjoy it. Oh no. she did it to “shock her mum out of her own addiction to the deadly drug”.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

The Tabloid Telegraph: Robert De Niro, Food Issues And Eco Nobu

IS there one story that sums up the new tabloid-focused Daily Telegraph? This comes close:

A Michelin-starred restaurant chain part-owned by the actor Robert De Niro is serving endangered bluefin tuna at its London outlets without telling customers, DNA tests have shown.

DNA test on food. Make that DNA tests on celebrity food. And why no kangaroo?

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 7th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (3)

Celebrities For Renewable Energy: Harvesting Kerry Katona’s Fat

KERRY Katona is recovering after going under the knife to “shrink her 34GG bust to a DD and suck out TWO LITRES of fat from her tum, bum and thighs”, reports the NOTW.

The fat will be deep frozen and sold by the cube at branches of Iceland throughout the country.

And don’t worry of you miss out because the celebrity is already hard at it replenishing her fat reserves for anther harvest.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)