Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
The Mail On Sunday Guarantees Disappointment
IT’S Sunday and the paper are giving away stuff! Stuff! STUFF!!
The pick of the bunch is the Mail On Sunday’s offer of a FREE DAVID BOWIE CD FOR EVERY READER.
What’ll it be, sir, the Hang On To Yourself (live) (“The worst song ever” – Time Out), Time Will Crawl (“Possibly the worst film ever” – Geriatric Today) or Teenage Wildlife (“This has to be the worst film ever” – all papers)?
Buy now to ensure disappointment…
Posted: 29th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
The Sunday Express Guarantees Disappointment
IT’S Sunday and the paper are giving away stuff! Stuff! STUFF!!
The pick of the bunch is the Sunday Express’s offer of a “FREE DAVID BOWIE MOVIE FOR EVERY READER.”
What’ll it be, sir, the Labyrinth (“The worst film ever” – Time Out), The Man Who Fell To Earth (“Possibly the worst film ever” – Geriatric Monthly) or The Prestige (“This has to be the worst film ever” – all papers)?
Buy now to ensure disappointment…
Posted: 29th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Celebrity Insight Of The Day: Jennifer Lopez Is In The Closet
TO an airpot with Jennifer Lopez:
“Not even the first-class lounge was good enough for her. She kept slipping into a door inside the lounge, so people thought it was like a special VIP area. Turns out, it was just a storage closet. Give her credit for wanting to be left alone, but hiding in a storage closet? That’s a little extreme.”
MSBC’s The Scoop quotes the “traveler [sic] who witnessed the behavior on many occasions”.
Given the security levels at US airports it is any wonder J-Lo was not taken from this place and shot. And what of this person who witnesses the behaviour many times? Might it be that J-Lo was escaping them, and how they always stare?
Of course, if Jenny Who Owns the Block wants to hang out in confined spaces at the airport, she should try economy class like the rest of you…
Posted: 28th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Mandela Gatecrashes Gordon Brown’s Party
“I’M 90, you know,” says Nelson Mandela needlessly.
Happily, Nelson’s birthday coincides with the first anniversary of Gordon Brown’s accession to power and the leader has allowed Nelson to appear at his party.
All the leading politicos who have shaped Brown’s career will be there: Bob Geldof, Cherie Blair and Bono.
Following a reading of Gordon Brown: The Collected Speeches by Norman Collier, there will be songs.
The London Evening Standard makes mention of Amy Winehouse. “Amy ‘will leave her sickbed’ for Mandela,” says headline.
And all thanks to the new improved NHS and the celebrated leader’s messianic qualities…
Posted: 27th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Claire Hoffman Under Amy Winehouse’s Skin
ROLLING Stone’s Claire Hoffman is in Amy Winehouse’s house. So Amy, tell me about your music:
When she returns, she teeters over to the living room, moves the array of bottles and glasses aside and asks Nicole for a massage: “Press my face, Remi.” She sits in front of Nicole, puts down a pillow and then jogs off to get massage oil and paper towels. “Will you just sit still?” asks Nicole, who seems distinctly sober. In a matter of minutes, Winehouse has moved Nicole again, this time to the couch, and she’s burying her head into her lap as Nicole works diligently on Winehouse’s small, gnarled back.
And the music…
Posted: 26th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Celebrity Fact Of The Day: Lorraine Kelly’s Hoots With Boots
CELEBRITY fact of the day: Lorraine Kelly’s Hoots And Boots
TV presenter Lorraine Kelly is so proud to be Scottish she has even got a pair of tartan wellies. Says Lorraine: ‘I got wellies in all different colours. I’ve got tartan ones actually – they’re brilliant, absolutely brilliant, I love them.’
– Daily Star “Kelley’s wellies”
Posted: 26th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Naomi Campbell Falls Foul Of Nelson Mandela’s Merchandise Rules
TIRED of having celebrities clutter his house and ruin the carpet, Nelson Mandela has arranged to meet them in London’s Hyde Park.
But not all the great and good have been told and Naomi Campbell stands alone in the corridor outside Mandela’s study waiting to be called in for her photo and a sit on Santa’s knee (it’s him, it’s really him!).
The Star says this is because he “wants to punish the feisty star for wearing a symbolic Mandela baseball cap when she went ‘berserk’ and swore at air-port staff after her bag went missing, sources said”.
We who still have our Free Nelson Mandela T-shirts wonder if we are required to behave a certain way when wearing official Mandela merchandise lest we incur the man’s displeasure?
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Posted: 26th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Madonna And Guy Go Solo In Milan
MADONNA and guy Richie are said by the Sun to have taken a “three-day break in a romantic city”.
Paris? Venice? Rome? No… Milan, home to suited Italian businessmen, heavy industry, the sky-scaring Pirelli Tower and the most expensive cheese and tomato sandwich Anorak has ever eaten.
The Sun says that while in Italy’s economic hub, Madonna and her Guy had different rooms, different schedules and “everything”.
Milan can test even the most solid marriage…
Posted: 26th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Denise Richards On Therapy
SAYS DENISE Richards in In Touch magazine:
“My kids are in therapy It’s very sad that they need to be there, but they do for now. On the other hand, it’s good they have an outlet to deal with their feelings and someone who is just their advocate.
If I can help anyone feel better about their kids being in therapy — then something else good has come of this, too.
Amen to that…
Picture: 14 – “Richards say she never wanted Charlie Sheen to father her third child. Sheen claims to possess an email from Richards ‘proving’ she wanted him to be her sperm donor, however Richards assures Lauer by saying, ‘If I wanted anybody’s sperm, I would have asked for Richie’s.’ As in Richie Sambora.”
High in the Hollywood Hills…
Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Not COleen And Wayne’s Wedding II
“IT was the wedding that all Italy has been waiting for,” coos Hello!.
The curries and chipped potatoes bathed in hot oil coating had been ordered and Naples was ready to welcome Wayne and Coleen.
But further north in Rome was where Hello! tells its readers the real wedding action was to be had.
To the Santo Spirito in Sassia church, which Hello! tells us is “just a stone’s throw from, St Peter’s Basilica”. Armed with handful of confetti and pebbles Anorak looks on as billionaire Flavio Briatore, 58, marries 28-year-old “homegrown model and TV favourite” Elisabetta Gregoraci.
“She has got her feet on the ground,” says the bride’s father Mario, and we, walking on air, nod.
Says the bride: “I feel like I’m in a fairytale and I haven’t woken up.” And we look for the prince to plant a kiss on her ruby lips.
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Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comment
Celebrity Baby Ordering Service: Charlotte Church Requests
MORE on Anorak’s Celebrity Baby Ordering Service as singer Charlotte Church makes her request known.
“I want between four and six,” says Charlotte in the Mail, “and Gavin wants eight.”
Anorak notes that between four and six is most often “five”, which is three less than eight.
Some room, then, for argument, although if Charlotte orders now Anorak can guarantee five children and a free gift of three small his ‘n’ hers pug dogs…
Don’t delay!
Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (10)
Here’s One John Leslie Didn’t Make Earlier
JOHN LESLIE is now chiefly famous for not being a rapist.
The former Blue Peter presenter is accused of sexual assault in an allegation made earlier and now repeated in detail and in a fact sheet made available to Daily Star readers.
Leslie is accused of raping a woman 13 year ago. He denies all claims made against him and says it’s “trial by media”.
(John Leslie, star of a straight to tissue movie with Abi Titmuss, is not to be confused with the John Leslie who features in the films Sexophrenia, Making Ends Meet, Debbie Duz Dishes III and Frisky Business.)
The paper has the Leslie statement in full, which begins “Yesterday I attended Teddington police station…”, thus beginning the explanation as to what the charmless presenter has been up to since he was last seen on ITV’s day time show This Morning some years ago.
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Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13)
Barack Obama Is Twice Denied
IS there nothing Barack Obama cannot do?
The National Enquirer announces on its front page: “OBAMA ABANDONED BY HIS MOM – TWICE!”
Such news is surely deserving of not one but two exclamation marks.
And it would be were this not Barack Obama who does everything twice, everything twice, being as he is the son of one Barack Hussein Obama, as the Enquirer says, as the Enquirer says!!
He is twice abandoned. He is twice come:
That is why I am here, because Barack Obama is the ONLY person in this who understands that. That before we can work on the problems, we have to fix our souls. Our souls are broken in this nation – Michelle Obama
For it is written:
“I cried all night. I’m going to be crying for the next four years,” he said. “What Barack Obama has accomplished is the single most extraordinary event that has occurred in the 232 years of the nation’s political history. … The event itself is so extraordinary that another chapter could be added to the Bible to chronicle its significance” – Politico
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Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: National Enquirer, Politicians | Comment
Not Wayne and Coleen’s Wedding Reception
CAN you copyright Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin’s wedding, as OK! claims on its front page?
Fearful of falling foul of the OK! legal eagles who have so handsomely tipped the waiter at the Raj Poot Curry House and TAN-dori Spa, Anorak’s relives the do on the Italian Riviera, a location as far removed from the actual event as possible.
Rather than have Wayne say his usual “F** yoos you c***”, we have instead: “Coleen, I love you more than words can say – you’re my life.”
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Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, OK! | Comments (10)
My Bloody Valentine Take Off Music And Pete Paphides
MY Bloody Valenltine, a pop group, have reformed. Earplugs are handed out to concernt goers. This in the Times:
Just as earthquakes have epicentres, My Bloody Valentine have the co-frontman Kevin Shields – the self-styled architect of the band’s “glide” guitar sound…
So it was a noise? Well, in part, yes. But one of almost subsonic, wind-generating magnitude, such as a space shuttle might make when taking off.
But even space shuttles can’t sustain this whatever-it-was for upwards of 20 minutes. My Bloody Valentine, on the other hand, stood stock-still staring at a crowd who in turn saw fit to react in a number of ways. Most put fingers in ears that already had earplugs in them. Some used phones to photograph the “noise”. In a sort of indie-rock equivalent to theatregoers who pointedly laugh at Shakespearean humour, some closed their eyes and danced along.
Intermission…
Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (2)
Amy Winehouse Puts Her Left Lung In
AMY Winehouse news of the day:
Say the Mirror’s 3am Girls:
“It seems nothing will stop Amy Winehouse from playing at Nelson Mandela’s gig on Friday night… She went into the studio for a few hours and sang her heart out. She sounded amazing.”
Daily Mail:
“Stars to miss Mandela show”
“..Amy Winehouse’s spokesman has admitted she may miss the charity event after the singer collapsed last week and was diagnosed with the early stages of the lung disease emphysema”
…Oh, the okey, cokey, cokey…
Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Marco Pierre White
CELEBRITY Quote of the Day: Hell’s Kitchen Host Marco Pierre White in the Sun:
Asked if he thinks battery chickens have a dreadful life, Leeds-born Marco shrugs.
‘They never knew anytting else. I grew up poor, on a council estate, but I didn’t know any different and I was happy.”
File under ‘bird brains”…
Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (9)
Madonna And Guy Pop The Question
“MADONNA & Guy: Is it all over?” asks the Mirror in a front-page “EXCLUSIVE.”
Other Mirror front-page exclusives to look out for:
Is Madonna the new Diana?
Is Madonna a WMD?
Why won’t Madonna wear yellow ribbon in her hair?
Who says the moon’s made of cheese?
And so on…
Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Alan Sugar Is London’s Michael Bloomberg
Jonathan Isaby wonders about Boris and Sir Alan:
Boris Johnson has only been London mayor for a matter of weeks, yet already there is speculation about who Labour might put up against him in May 2012 (yes, the election will be just a couple of months before the Olympics actually happens).
Ken Livingstone has already indicated a desire to do it, but it is generally thought that Labour will want a new face to challenge Boris Johnson in four years’ time.
And the name to be highlighted in the latest press speculation is none other than Sir Alan Sugar, the multi-millionaire businessman and star of the hit BBC reality show, The Apprentice.
He certainly ticks all the boxes I have always thought a mayoral candidate needs to tick: name recognition; charisma; an existing reputation among voters; and potential to appeal to a wider base than that of the party he would be standing for.
He forgets to mention Bloomberg – the savvy Jewish man with the fortune made from electronic screens. You know, like Sugar…
Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comment
Lee Ryan’s Blue Internet Moves
FORMER Blue singer Lee Ryan is expecting a baby with a fan who sent him “sexy pictures of herself on MySpace”.
Can you get pregnant via the internet? Mail readers reading the latest web shocker would do well to wrap their child’s mouse in a rubber Johnny, to be on the safe side.
The singer and his lover, one Samantha Miller, are planning to marry. And we learn that she once had a picture of Ryan on her bedroom wall.
It is unlikely that fans of Noddy wallpaper and Che Guevara posters will ever know the thrill of laying hands on their idol, although young boys so possess vivid imaginations and it costs nothing to dream…
Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Barack Obama Is This Year’s Versace Black
BARACK Obama is a “structured jacket softened by a double lapel or no lapel at all and slim trousers with slick techno-fabric sheen. Crazy zigzags break up the monotony of pinstripes and checks, while the pastel palette gives the collection a warm summer feel.”
Donatella Versace has dedicated her Spring-Summer 2009 collection to Obama, creating a style she said was designed for “a relaxed man who doesn’t need to flex muscles to show he has power.”
Says the LA Times: “Sitting in the front row, actor Rupert Everett applauded enthusiastically, showing that even if it was not dedicated to him, he found the collection right up his alley.”
To the eyes of Versace, Barack Obama the suit unexpectedly marries joie de vivre Timmy Mallet with the frosted vision of the Queen Mother.
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Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comments (2)
Naomi Campbell Trial: Kay Burley Goes Native?
TO a court in London where Naomi Campbell is up before the Beak.
She emerges from the dock wearing an haute court-ure off-the-shoulder smile, walking in step with Sky News presenter Kay Burley.
A bump. A bruise. And Associated Press photographer Kirsty Wiggleswort is, apparently, marked about the throat.
Says Burley, overheard by the Mail: “As far as I am aware I did not put my hands around her neck. I was hit in the face with a camera. Like anyone else would do I just put my hands up. If I did anything else, I apologise.”
Followers of the Campbell oeuvre will recognise this as the non-denial denial. When accused to attacking her housekeeper, Campbell’s laywer issued this statement:
“Miss Campbell’s housekeeper was notified that she was going to be let go because of things missing from the apartments, and all hell broke loose. The injury is self-inflicted. Someone with the prominence and affluence of Miss Campbell is an easy target. But I know Miss Campbell, and she is as beautiful inside as she is on the outside.”
Now listen as Burley explains:
“As far as I am aware I did not put my hands around her neck. I was hit in the face with a camera. Like anyone else would do I just put my hands up. If I did anything else, I apologise.”
A supporting backstory wrapped in a non-denial denial. Supported by a Sky News spokesman adding:
“Kay Burley was provoked by a hard hit to the face with a camera. She has already said that if she did any more than put her hands up, then she apologises.”
Has Burley been studying Campbell? And if she has, can we yet rule out the presence of a mobile phone?
Posted: 22nd, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Jessica Simpson’s Bra
CELEBRITY quotes of the day:
“There have been stories that are ridiculous. Like my father really fit me for a training bra. Like, who believes that kind of thing!?”
– Jessica Simpson in US Weekly; Spotter
Posted: 21st, June 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Naomi Campbell Dodges The Tabloid Detective Agency
WAS it happy coincidence that Naomi Campbell’s appearance in court should coincide with Amy Winehouse’s removal from polite society (she’s in hospital) and an intermission in Pete Doherty’s Courtroom Tour?
Or can it be that celebrity misdermeanors work to a preordained timetable? Sensitive to the needs of the CPF (Celebrity Police Force), who with limited resources cannot expect to be photographed with celebrity liggers at the same time, celebrities work to a schedule.
Yesterday it was Campbell’s turn to be photographed with the CPF, and the Mail leads with pictures of the happy event.
So too the Sun, which says “raging supermodel Naomi Campbell hurled vile ABUSE and PUNCHED, KICKED and SPAT at cops” in a full and frank exchange of views at Heathrow Airport.
Campbell’s bag had been mislaid and her reaction sees her sentenced to 200 hours community service and a £2,945 fine.
The incident, transcribed in full, features Campbell yelling the line: “F*** off, I’ve paid five grand for this seat and I have a right to be on this plane. You can’t touch me, my cousin’s Scotland Yard.”
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Posted: 21st, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
Toby Young On Blogging
TOBY Young on New York and blogging:
It has turned New York into what the philosopher Jeremy Bentham called a Panopticon — a type of prison in which all the prisoners are capable of being observed 24/7.
– Toby Young, author and celebrity hater
Posted: 20th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
