Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Naomi Campbell’s Arrest Distracts Sun From News
“CREDIT crunch biting. Fuel prices soaring. And no footie. This will cheer you up..” promises the Sun’s front-page headline.
What can it be? News that Big Brother is returned to our TV screens and reporters can take the summer off as the paper writes itself?
“NAOMI FACES JAIL.”
Oh? “Naomi Campbell BEAMED yesterday after being charged with air-rage offences which could get her six months in prison,” says the paper.
Or as her lawyer Simon Nicholls puts it: “Miss Campbell is bitterly disappointed.”
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Posted: 30th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (11)
Amy Winehouse Named In Camden Town Murder Story
TO Camden Town, North London, where Sharmaarke Hassan, a 17-year-old member of the entrepreneurial, if a little materialistic, Money Squad has been killed.
Lest readers think the murder of a teenaged Somalian immigrant not worthy of investigation, the Times lets us know: “The area’s pubs and clubs are frequented by a group of celebrities that includes Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty, Peaches Geldof and Daisy Lowe.”
Summon the celebrity police squad and haul in the usual suspects. Hassan did not die in vain.
The Times does not rest on its laurels but digs even deeper to discover that a blog about gang wars in Camden (unnamed and not linked to from the paper’s website) “attracted a series of comments claiming that Somali gangs were ‘running’ the borough”.
A walk through the bad streets of the Internet finds tags for the North London Somalis, the Camden Boys, African Nations Crew and the Centric Boyz but no sign of any of them on the streets. Like elected councilors, they are never there when you need them most.
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Posted: 30th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
When Two Becomes Mum: Geri Halliwell And Bluebell’s Birthday
“YES, Geri Halliwell, I will come to your daughter’s 2nd birthday party.”
We might have to shout because the Hello! front-page invite doesn‘t come with a RSVP. The party is billed as “magical”, and we plan to dress up as Debbie McGee, or if the costumier is out of bronzing agent, her husband Paul Daniels.
But there’s no address given and there is a risk that we will spend too long running about the streets of LA, London, Faliraki, Kabul – where the hell does Geri Halliwell live?
Not everyone is so concerned, and six children do follow the white rabbit, and the orangey-brown thirty-something woman, to Bluebell’s Alice In Wonderland themed do.
“Bluebell has taught me to love myself because she loves me so much,” says Geri, who seemed to be doing just about fine loving herself as she screeched ‘Girl Power’, rubbed her crotch and now uses the occasion of her child’s party to talk about Ugenia Lavender, the children’s book character she’s created, and which lends its name to a range of female sanitary products.
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Posted: 29th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comments (8)
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Sarah Jessica Parker’s Fifth Element
SAYS Sarah Jessica Parker, star of Sex And The City:
WE look at it is as this incredible way to kick off this adventure and then we get to bring it home to America, to its birthplace, and to the city that we love, the 5th lady in the movie, so we think of it as the exclamation point at the end of a glorious sentence.”
!!!
Posted: 29th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Angelina Jolie’s Perfect Ten Kids
“10 KIDS FOR ANGIE!” announces the Enquirer on its front-page births, marriages and deaths section.
There’s a picture of Angelina Jolie, for it is she, dressed in an olive green toga-style dress, a hand pushed out and relaxed on her bump.
Using the magick of biro, Anorak’s graphic wizards draw embryos on Angelina’s tum-tum and discovers that if all ten are shaped like concentric circles, one baby inside another, there IS room for ten nippers in Jolie’s womb.
Further reading and we learn that the ten children are not within the greater Jolie but scattered across the world.
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Posted: 29th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (4)
American Idol: On The Casting Couch With Jason Castro
AMERICAN Idol, American TV’s search for a Gareth Gates, has a new winner.
As the National Enquirer reports, his name is David Cook. He’s about as memorable as that last breath you took. And it would seem that America has its man.
While Simon Cowell hooks up Gates and Cook into a the ultimate reality show double act, the Enquirer’s Mike Walker watches the losers trundle into post-performance therapy.
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Posted: 29th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment
Pete Doherty’s Hard Shoulder Story: Dead Cat Buried
CELEBRITY Quote Of The Day: Pete Doherty.
Says Pete Doherty, on stage in Brixton:
“Sorry I’m late. But considering I’ve had to bury one of my cats by the roadside I’ve done pretty well to be here at all.”
More Doherty news tomorrow…
Posted: 29th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)
George Clooney Unties Sarah Larson
InTouch magazine says George Clooney has ditched Sarah Larson.
A source tells us: “George is relieved to be single again. He thinks Sarah is sweet and that is why it was so hard to break up with her. The truth is that they had little in common and he just doesn’t want to be tied down.”
Expect a raft of women columnists in tomorrow’s tabloids salivating on George and hoping that maybe- just mayyy-beee – he’ll find a judgemental tabloid jack The One and marry her, or at least tie her down…
Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)
Coleen McLoughlin Flees To New York
PANIC! Coleen McLoughlin has had to make an emergency dash to New York just two weeks before her wedding to Wayne Rooney.
So says the Mail. But why? Because, dear readers, her £100,000 Marchesa dress no longer fits.
A source says Coleen had to “sneak out” of the country and into New York, possibly under the cloak of darkness and disguised as an Islamic fundamentalist to avoid arousing suspicion. She may have worn an oversized baseball cap to fit in, with a W and C entwined on the front, or some other logo that she’s working on.
But some how the press got wind of it, and the entire mad-cap drama threatens to steal the thunder from her £3 million OK!-sponsored wedding.
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Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, OK!, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Amy Winehouse Hoovers Up Alex Haines
AMY Winehouse mum Janis is said by the Mirror to be delighted her daughter has been stepping out with one Alex Haines.
Mum should take care not to order the wedding invites just yet, because Amy is already married, and bigamy may see the Sun achieve its goal of getting the chanteuse jailed. Oh, and the Mail says Amy is dating Alex Haynes.
Over such seemingly small things the tabloid press deliberates. And now the Mirror says this Alex whatshisname has been, allegedly, caught smoking crack.
Know that: “Amy’s camp were said to be stunned when they got wind that he had been caught on camera taking drugs.”
No small shock to discover that your associate has been keeping a stash back for himself and not sharing it around. Anorak’s T-EEM Street urban dance troop tells us that Alex should now be called Alex Bogart and “taxed”.
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Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
My DNA Test, Cancer, Drug Crazed, Granny Lap Dancer Cancer Hell: Trisha Goddard Speaks Out
“TRISHA,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. “This is my two fingers to cancer.”
Says the Scotsman on its frontpage: “Lorry protest in London, children scavenging in Asia, riots in Indonesia – the world wakes up to the oil crisis.”
Well, not the whole world, because the Mirror readers are waking up to TV bear baiting host Trisha Goddard’s new blonde afro.
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Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
World Faces Prince Michael Jackson
“JACKO’S KIDS FACE WORLD,”* says the Star’s front-page headline, which, given that these children are the products of Michael Jackson might be altered to read: “WORLD FACES MICHAEL JACKSON’S CHILDREN.”
And they really are a chip off the old block – literally.
Prince Michael I has Jackson’s nose, Paris has Jackson’s nose, Prince Michael II has his father’s nose etc…
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Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Madeleine McCann: No Portugal Return, Maddy TV And Paris Hilton
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
It’s the Mirror’s “MADELEINE EXCLUSIVE”. The news is – as Anorak reported last night – that the Tapas Seven (surely the Sangria 7? –Ed) will not be returning to Portugal to take part in a reconstruction of the night Madeleine went missing.
A source says: “They were asked informally to return, then asked again in an official letter last week. After some consideration they decided not to go back. They were concerned it would not be televised, and were bemused as to why it was happening so long after Madeleine disappeared.”
And who would play Madeleine? Her? Her? What about “Look Into My Eyes”, a TV talent show search for a Madeleine fronted by Trevor McDonald and GMTV?
Remember Kelsey: “Mummy, I could play Madeleine. I look just like her’”?
THE SUN: “No re-run for Maddie cops”
What does Lorraine Kelly think? It was she who said:
How could someone put their infant child forward as a Madeleine lookalike with the idea of making money? The child obviously has to be around the same age as Madeleine.
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Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (500)
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Kim Kardashian Is Quite All White
SAYS Kim Kardashian, America’s answer to Jade Goody:
“White is actually one of my favorite colors. I have a white car. I love white. When the opportunity came up to be in the Hamptons – I’d never been in the Hamptons before – and to host a white party at the White House, it just seemed right.”
Quite white…right…
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Sharon Stone On China Karma
TENS of thousands are dead in China.
And Sharon Stone, wearing dress in Cannes, says:
“All these earthquake and stuff happened and I thought, ‘Is that karma?’ When you are not nice that bad things happen to you.”
Sharon is good. Sharon is a star. Ming is bad. Ming is dead…
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (17)
Those Amy Winehouse Stories In Triplicate
“THEY tried to make me go to kebab,” says the Mirror by a picture of Amy Winehouse.
News is that Amy Winehouse has bought kebab, not as a pet but as food…to very possibly eat.
Other Mirror scoops in the pipeline include:
They tried to make me go to science lab – Winehouse uses a Bunsen burner to cook up come drugs, allegedly
They tried to make me go to McNab – Andy McNab says how the SAS would not stand for Amy’s behaviour
They tried to make be take a rock crab – Amy goes to STD clinic
Repeat to fade…
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Gordon Ramsay’s Basin Camp
SAYS TV chef Gordon Ramsay: “Everest has always been my dream. I am very keen to do it. As you get older the chances to stretch yourself physically become fewer.”
Ramsay is wrong – as you get older you get more and more chances to stretch yourself physically, and many is the octogenarian who has planted a flag in his commode, proud at having reached “Bas(in) Camp”.
But before panicky Ramsay can be the fist person to tell a Sherpa to “fuck off”, and hear his inspirational catchphrase echo across the Himalayan valleys, he will tackle the Iron Man triathlon in Hawaii on his 42nd birthday in November.
Ramsay’s training regime includes two-hour runs “wearing a backpack full of spuds, surfing and Raisin Bran”.
But – shock of shock – Ramsay has an ulcer that he blames on eating the local food while filming Kitchen Nightmares in the US.
Says he: “I’ve just been told I’ve got an ulcer from eating crap. I swear to God, I’m so p****d off.”
Or as they say in the foothills of Nepal – pissed-ed-ed-ed off-off-off-off…
Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Moral Missionaries: Sarah Ferguson, Jamie Oliver And Richard & Judy’s Life On Earth
SARAH Ferguson is living with people in Hull on the telly. She even managed to find a family of copper tops to make her paper more at home, but it just ends up looking like a patronising version of the Prince and the Pauper.
Every morning Sarah says she wakes up feeling fat, ugly and disgusting, as opposed to disgusting, fat and ugly, like those lucky sods in Hull who are too ignorant to notice let alone mind.
But Sarah will show them how repugnant they truly are. She’s the missionary teaching the godless to feel shame for their bad eating habits and for looking bad naked.
Now Jamie Oliver tells one and all: “I am now living lives with people in Rotherham who don’t have cooking in their lives. I want them to fall in love with cooking.”
Oliver wants the sad and stupid to see how wrong they are, to feel shame and experience the sweet sting of epiphany over some sun dried polenta stir fry.
And then there’s Richard and Judy contemplating a week-long visit to Dewsbury Moor.
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Posted: 25th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Denise Richards Is Like A Pig In Shi*
DENISE Richards is the star of “DENISE RICHARDS: IT’S COMPLICATED” .
The review:
Denise Richards’ life is one steaming pile of pig poop.
Literally.
Posted: 25th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment
Rachel Ray’s Suicide Dinners: Cooking The War On Terror
RACHEL Ray is a TV cook in the US.
She’s also the hips and gunt of Dunkin’ Donuts, the revolting lumps of fat Americans eat while watching Rachel tell them about moulding fat into three-course meals.
Rachel comes up with abbreviations like EVOO (short for extra virgin olive oil), so that fat Americans don’t have to waste too much breathe between mouthfuls of syrup.
Now Rachel has courted what passes for controversy by appearing in a Dunkin’ Donuts adverts wearing what Michelle Malkin, an uptight American blogger, calls a “jihadi chic keffiyeh”.
Asks Malkin: “Is Ray’s blunder worth boycotting DD over?”
It’s a puzzler, and one Charles Johnson, another prominent US blogger, considers in “Mainstreaming Terrorism to Sell Donuts.”
Rachel Ray’s Last Suppers
It’s hard not be outraged and appalled. Ray should be shot or else have the scarf burnt off, preferably while she is still wearing it. Doesn’t Ray know the War On Terror (WOT) is raging and she needs to act accordingly?
Jamie Oliver (who is often seen wearing a burka and wiry beard) would have worked out that Ray should be campaigning for better food for terrorists.
In Al-A-Carte, Rachel will tour the world’s trouble spots trying to buy junk food while inviting various despots and terror leaders to cook their favourite last meals against the clock.
The dishes will then be served up to suicide bombers on their way to a date with the virgins.
Anorak suggests Ray goes with something with not too much garlic and lots of carbs…
Posted: 25th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)
Tabloid Jornalism R&R: Eva Mendes Learns To Be Tired And Emotional
EVA Mendes is an actress, and last January she passed a while at Utah’s Cirque Lodge to “proactively” attend “to some personal issues”, said her representative at the time.
There is an entire module given over to Rehab Reasons at the Anorak Institute Of Tabloid Journalism. Like Michael Jackson’s face, the A grade in R&R is a moving target because celebrities are constantly evolving new and exciting ways to stretch students.
Pencils poised to record the fact that Mendes “may have checked herself into rehab in January to prepare for a new movie, in which she plays a Spanish drug lord”. So says the reports in Star magazine.
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Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
R Kelly’s Body Of Evidence
CELEBRITY Quote Of the Day: The R Kelly Trial (aka The Trial Of R Kelly)
R Kelly is a singer. He maintains that the man captured on camera having scatological sex with a 13-year-old girl is not him.
Simha Jamison, a friend of the alleged victim, is asked by lawyers in a Chicago courtroom how she knows it is Kelly’s body on the video.
Her reply: “His head was attached to it.”
The case continues…
Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Colombian Vice President Says Amy Winehouse Is Killing The Planet And Us
HAVING failed in its attempt to have Amy Winehouse jailed, the Sun is going about the world armed with a petition that demands the singer is locked up.
Today Colombian Vice President Francisco Santos says Winehouse should be “sent to rehab”.
(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or)
Santos is something of an expert on UK celebrities having opined of Kate Moss: “To me, it’s baffling that someone who helps cause so much pain in Colombia is doing better then ever.”
Adding: “I never once heard her says ‘I’m sorry’, when in Colombia people die every day because of cocaine consumption – that hurts.”
Now Santos is talking of Winehouse. “I know about her, she’s a mess. I don’t think she understands the harm cocaine does to my country… Not only does it kill, displace and mutilate people in Colombia, it destroys our wonderful forests. The environmental damage is catastrophic.”
Senor Santos makes a powerful argument. Winehouse is an accessory to murder, a mutilator and above all else a planet hater driving her 4×4 back and forth over Mother Nature’s throat.
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Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
Who Bares Sins: SAS Action With Tania Zaetta, Andy McNab And John Terry
TANIA Zaetta is, says the Sun, best known in Australia for hosting her daredevil action girl show Who Dares Wins.
In papers released by the Australian MoD, four members of that country’s special forces claim to have bedded Tania on her moral boosting trip to Afghanistan – “and had photos and video to prove it”.
Ms Zaetta denies all claims.
In such moments it is customary for the Sun to summon its shadowy Defence Expert Andy McNab and hear what visiting celebs and glamour models can and cannot do in the battle zone.
But McNab is otherwise employed, dispatched on a mission to answer the question:
“FOOTBALL hardman John Terry blubbed like a baby after his scuffed spot-kick helped lose Chelsea the Champions League trophy in a nail-biting shootout. But is it ever okay for sportsmen to cry?”
McNab, who last cried when he wanted to test if the canoe he’d fashion from a hollowed out Iraqi was seaworthy says:
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Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Dial M For Madonna
IN Los Angeles, there’s an exhibtion of Madonna-inspired art.
World of Wonder Storefront Gallery
6650 Hollywood Blvd.
Los Angeles,CA,90028
Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
