Amy Winehouse And Peter Doherty Doing Mice Tampons

AMY Winehouse and Pete Doherty are doing mice. It’s self-conscious, self-aware, self-promotion. It’s a pop music video without the music:

Anorak

Posted: 17th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Pathetic Celebrities At Cannes

AS Hamrah has had enough of Cannes:

It’s not just that celebrities are dull. More and more, there’s also something about them that fills us with revulsion. It used to be that a celebrity sighting was cause for celebration. You’d phone the wife and kids: “Hey, I just saw Robert Stack walking into the Automat!” Now it’s more an occasion for jeering.Or, more accurately, a chance to feel a deep queasiness about what’s happened to our culture. The celebrity is quickly becoming a harbinger of nausea, a delivery system for Weltschmerz, there to remind us that things, actually, are what they seem: pathetic.

Still beats watching some of the films…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

God Turns Chuck Norris On

CHUCK Norris, famous for punching people in the throat, is addressing Liberty University’s graduating class.

“I wound up drifting from my faith,” says Norris. “I had been in films and I had fame and fortune, but I was very unhappy and I couldn’t figure out why.”

Then his Gena was reading the Bible to him: “It’s like the Holy Spirit hit me and said, ‘Chuck it’s time to come home’. I was hot for the Lord, and I still am to this day.”

Anorak

Posted: 17th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Amy Winehouse And Blake’s Paper Anniversary: Janis And Georgette Speak

SAYS Janis Winehouse, mother to chanteuse Amy Winehouse: “Obviously, it’s difficult to be sympathetic. Amy knows there’s no love lost between Blake and me, and, let’s be honest, no mother really wants to refer to her son-in-law as ‘my son-in-law in jail’ do they?”

Tomorrow is Amy and the feckless Blaaaaake’s first wedding anniversary. And as befitting the paper anniversary, Janis is talking to the the Daily Mail.

So too is Blake’s mother Georgette. But Janis is talking first: “Fundamentally, my partner Tony and I are trying to play this very low-key as far as Blake’s concerned.”

Hard to get more low-key than airing your views in the national press. Next time Janis should consider not commenting in the Express and hope that no-one notices.

Janis goes on: “She knows how I feel, but I don’t want to turn her against me so we simply do not talk about Blake.” Indeed, best not to.

“As far as I’m concerned, Blake more than played his part in Amy’s downfall. People I trust have told me that Amy didn’t start on the hard drugs until she met Blake – and I think that says it all… That all changed when she met Blake. She didn’t start self-harming until Blake came along, either.”

But she’s not going to talk about Blake. This is a happy time, so let’s talk of Amy’s marriage to ‘it’: “It’s a delicate dance, and it’s got to play itself out. In the meantime, I can only thank God that her body weight at the moment means she’s unlikely to get pregnant.”

Having heard from the bride’s family, we now hear from the groom’s.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Victoria Beckham Is Zero And Paris Hilton Is Given One

PARIS Hilton and Victoria Beckham are in London.

The Mail sees Hilton setting up her stall on Oxford Street, on which she will sell her innate smell, Can-Can, a heady blend of used tissue, warm mattress and tinned crab.

Over in Harrods, Victoria Beckham is flogging denim. “I often look incredibly rough, actually,” says Posh on GMTV, a confession she may consider a revelation, and others a tagline for her fashion range.

The Star sees the two woman doing battle. Oxford Street is “mobbed”. The traffic is at a “standstill”. Paris is selling 150 bottle of perfume.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Tabloids | Comments (18)

Britney Spears And Mel Gibson’s New Religion

BRITNEY Spears has been to a clinic.

The sun says that after the tip she went go Costa Rica with Mel Gibson. Could the two things be linked? Do you need a jab before spending time with Gibson, and is it something he insists upon?

Spears has tried Kabbalah, the new age religion based on Jewish mysticism. Gibson is a drink-driving ultra Catholic.

Could their meeting mark the birth of a new religion?

Or given Spears’ bulging tum-tum, the birth of something still more terrible..?

Anorak

Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Amy Winehouse Signs For Abramovich And Doherty Flies Low

PETE Doherty and Amy Winehouse are the subject of much chatter.

The Express says Pete has left his flies open. The Sun wonders what their child will look like, and mocks up a picture of a tattooed baby who looks like a young John Prescott.

The Express says Doherty has sores on his face. The flies, the child and the complexion might be linked, but the Express is not one to speculate, at least not any more.

Anorak wonders if those are not sores but stud marks on Doherty’s face, badges of honour earned at training sessions for the Soccer Six tournament? The Star says that at the celebrity football match, Doherty will be substituted by Winehouse, who is even more likely to score than he is.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Mistletoe And Wine: Music Enhances Your Tipple

RESEARCHERS at Heriot Watt University say that wines are affected by music.

The boffins put it down to “cognitive priming theory”, where the music sets up the brain to respond to the wine in a certain way.

“Wine manufacturers could recommend that while drinking a certain wine, you should listen to a certain sort of music,” says a Prof North.

The site of a wine waiter slinking up to table is enough to have diners blanching; equip him with a snooty DJ and the trials of going out to dinner cannot be overstated. Helpfully, the research comes with a set of recommendations:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 15th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Strange But True | Comment

Oprah Winfrey’s Golden Retrievers

WHEN Oprah Winfrey’s dogs died, Anorak looked on aghast. It was horrible:

Gone??!! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Yes, I saw it. I saw the caretaker rocking back and forth on the ground, his arms wrapped around himself, crying hysterically.

My brain took in the whole scene, but it wasn’t tracking properly. The first thing I remember saying is, “It’s okay. It’ll be okay. Tell me what happened.” Through his sobs I heard: “…choked on a ball.”

Now the dogs are remebered in Daniel Edwards’ “Memories of Sophie and Gracie: A Puppies’ Memorial” — which opens May 22 at the Leo Kesting Gallery.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Mariah Carey’s Secret 9 Carat Gold Tattoo

YOU join us on the roof of Mariah Carey’s building where Nick Cannon, Tommy Cannon’s youngest, is asking Carey to marry him.

A yes. Another yes. And Mariah is on the phone to her father, George Carey. Can he get Westminster Abbey? It would seem not.

And so Mariah is forced into a beach wedding in the Bahamas, such as those featured on TV’s Weddings From Hell and in the pages of self-medicating women’s magazines.

What occurs next is, says OK!, Mariah “secret wedding”.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (7)

Angelina Jolie: Jack Black Says It’s Twins

IN Cannes to promote their new Kung-Fu Panda, Jack Black and Angelina Jolie are in interview. And Angelina is having twins:

“You’re gonna have as many as (the) ‘Brady Bunch’ when you have these,” Jack joked.

“It’s confirmed? Is it two?,” Natalie asked.

“Yeah, yeah, we’ve confirmed that already,” Angelina responded. “Well, Jack’s just confirmed it actually.”

“Is that true?” Jack said jokingly.

“Yeah, you did,” Angelina replied.

“Sorry,” Jack concluded.

“So you’re having twins?”, Natalie asked, as Angelina nodded with a ‘yes.’

Who needs reporters..?

Source 

Anorak

Posted: 15th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Amy Winehouse Is Ann Widdecombe’s Role Model

AMY Winehouse is not to be charged with “taking Class A crack”. It’s the Sun’s front-page news. And the Sun says its “CRACKERS”.

The Sun’s plan to have everyone locked up is in tatters, just as the Mirror failed in its bid to have Kate Moss arrested for her alleged drug taking.

The paper says the video the Sun obtained and then broadcast of Winehouse smoking something was not enough to see her incarcerated because of a legal “loophole”.

It turns out that Winehouse escaped justice because there was no evidence of her having taken actual drugs. Just as Moss’s cocaine might have been snorting lines of sherbet, anthrax or uranium, Winehouse’s pipe was filled with liquid paraffin and brie.

Those smart alec lawyers might have made a mockery of our judiciary but the Sun knows what’s what.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Catherine Zeta Jones Flashed By Bearded Man

CATHERINE Zeta-Jones is filming a scene.

An old man approaches…

Anorak

Posted: 15th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comments (6)

Paul McCartney Got An Airline Lexus: John Lennon Got An Airport

PAUL McCartney has a new car. It’s a Lexus LS600H, which costs £84,000 to you, but nothing to Paul.

Lexus sponsored Paul’s US tour in 2005 and by way of a thank you for Paul allowing them to be the official car of the Frog Chorus, Lexus offered him a free car.

Says a source in the Telegraph: “Paul was offered a Lexus as a gift and ordered the hybrid limo because it helps to reduce emissions. He’ll be horrified after learning it was delivered by plane. Paul has always campaigned for green issues and he can’t understand why anyone would send an enormous car from Japan to Britain on a plane.”

Who knew that a top-of-the-range limo would cause pollution? And that it would not arrive as if by magic?

Anorak readers may well recall that Liverpool Airport is named John Lennon Airport in honour of the murdered Beatle.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, May 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comment (1)

Victoria Beckham Serves Up Turkey Twizzlers

VICTORIA Beckham, international Duty Free enthusiast, is in conversation with the Mirror’s 3am Girls. Or as the Mirror puts it: “POSH TELLS ALL TO 3am.”

First up Vicky tells the girls how she and Julia Roberts are “both mums with young children so we had a lot to talk about”.

She goes on: “Most of my friends in LA, like Katie Holmes and Kate Beckinsale, all have children so we get together and do very normal things”, like waiting for the cleaner to hoover up the spilt Rice Crispies.

“I’ve become really good friends with mums from my sons’ school as well.” No names are provided, but you know who you are. And if you don’t know, best get an agent.

Listening in, one may suppose that Her Poshness only meets people through her children. In the Sun, Posh tells us that she serves hot lunches at her sons’ school.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13)

Keeping Up The Peckhams: Nicola McLean’s Posh Knockers

THE DAILY Express considers it to be of the utmost importance that Nicola McLean is given space on its front page to say: “I love big knockers.”

Nicola loves knockers so much that she has three sets of them in a variety of, tons, sizes and shapes. But it’s the big ones she loves best.

“I’d never have Victoria Beckham boobs,” says Nicola, sporting Wednesday’s 32G twin set. “They’re plastic looking. In fact, they’re disgusting.”

Cosmetic surgery shops may well look at their stock of Peckhams ™ and sigh.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Neil Young Gets His Own Spider Named After Him

NEIL Young has had a spider named in his honour:

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Iconic singer and songwriter Neil Young has had an honor bestowed upon him that is not received by many musicians — his own spider.

An East Carolina University biologist, Jason Bond, discovered a new species of trapdoor spider and opted to call the arachnid after his favorite musician, Canadian Neil Young, naming it Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi.

Via, Via

Anorak

Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

That Kevin Federline Britney Spears Phone Sex Tape

GOOD news for the hard of seeing as Britney Spears engages in phone sex with her former husband Mr Kevin Federline, aka K-Ferret.

The Enquirer reports of “titillating chatter, phone calls and Britney’s “soft spot for sex”.

And K-Federline is quite the phone sex stud, being what one source calls “long-winded”. He can “go on forever”.

K-Ferret is a regular orator with call minutes to burn a phone plan that demands action.

Anorak

Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (3)

Angelina Jolie’s Mobile Hospital And Princess And Pauper Twins

THE grim news in the National Enquirer is that Angelina Jolie has “suffered a shocking FALL!”

The still worse news is found on the cover of Grazia, and it is that Angelina’s new “baby” is worth £4million. What fears that the child will struggle to feed and clothe itself high in the Hollywood Hills?

Dealing with each shock in turn, the Enquirer can confirm that Angelina fell over in a room and was left “tearful, weak and panic-stricken” (see A Mighty Heart).

As luck would have it, the medical team that accompany Angelina (a doctor and nurse expert in giant panda reproduction and celebrity births) made sure the babies were alright.

Both embryonic girls are said to be fine, but Grazia says only one of them is worth £4million, so invoking a princess and the pauper scenario that should have all the planet gripped.

Anorak

Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Grazia, National Enquirer | Comments (5)

Pete Doherty Tries To Murder Cats

“YOU know it’s time to knock the narcotics on the head when you try to execute innocent domestic pets with garden implements,” says the Sun of Pete Doherty.

Says the pop f***wit: “I got a shovel and was going to kill one of the cats. That was when I was, like, you know, ‘I’m a bit of a mess’. It was a bit of a crazy time.”

Doherty we know about. Some may ever say he remains a bit of a mess, being messy what he does best. But what of cats?

Just yesterday Lindsay Lohan was reported to have sent Russell Brand a cat, possibly in the post.

Last week, a man was taken away in handcuffs after allegedly murdering a cat which had teased him.

Anorak can only conclude that the world has been driven mad by fidgety Andrew Lloyd Webber, and cats are paying the price of his work.

Anorak

Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

The Buzz On The Mr Big Sex And The City Vibrator

WHAT’S that buzz? It’s the new the new Sex And The City film.

What’s the whining noise? It’s the NEW Sex And The City film.

What’s that humming noise? It’s THE NEW Sex And THE City Film.

What’s that…? You’re right. Hark!

Underscoring the sound of Sarah Jessica Parker and the series of drones and clicks from her team of ambulatory contraceptive devices is a humming sound.

It’s the show’s Mr Big, who to market the arrival of the film of the TV series of the newspaper column of the shoe of the innersole has been turned into a vibrator.

Anorak

Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Amy Winehouse To Walk In Straight Line At London Fashion Week

AMY Winehouse is being approached to model at London fashion week.

With much emphasis being placed on models starving themselves to be thin, has the fashion industry hit upon a wheeze: place the models alongside Winehouse and make them look the picture of health.

Julian MacDonald explains in Metro: “She’s an amazing talent. We are always busy working on fashion week. She’s an incredible person, who is just very unique and has a great style. She is just so different.”

Different to what? To the usual androids who are programmed to walk along a runway, stop, turn and walk back again? Given the advances being made in inflatable dolls, their days are surely numbered. Winehouse is certainly shorter.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Russell Brand Knocks Back Lindsay Lohan’s Pussy

DID you know that Russell Brand turned down Lindsay Lohan?

The Star does. And in “RUSS SAYS NO TO LO!” it says Lohan “bombarded” Brand with “amorous emails”.

Having been knocked back further than Brand’s fringe, Lohan sent him a cat.

This may because Lohan thinks Brand is the cat’s pajamas, or read somewhere that British people prefer cats to stoats, although not ferrets, which remain stubbornly in vogue in parts of Lincolnshire.

Lohan could have bought Brand a dog, such as young people do when they start living together. But that might have been a bit forward. So she opted for a cat.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Madonna Wants Us To Jump And F*** For Planet Earth

WHEN Madonna stood on the Live 8 pulpit and told us, “If you want to save the planet I want you to start jumping up and down. Come on motherf*****”, we jumped.

We have now jumped 54,982 times. If we stop jumping the planet will die.

Anorak set about petitioning World Wildlife Fund to approve a cull of all carbon exhaling creatures that cannot jump, such as elephants, babies and Peter Crouch.

Now Madonna has issued another withering cry. In a concert broadcast over the BBC, the popstar tells us: “You guys are going to have to start f***ing it up out there ‘cos I need to feel some love.”

Jumping and fucking it up at once is no easy thing, not least of all for anyone who has trouble patting their had and rubbing their tummies at the same time.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)

Paris Hilton Has No Monopoly On Boardom

PARIS Hilton says of her life with boyfriend Benji Madden: “We don’t really like to go out. We have game night where friends come over and play Monopoly.”

She concludes: “He has changed my life in every way.”

Some may see little change in a woman famously in line to inherit a property empire playing a game in which she tries to build up a property empire and place hotels on every block.

But Monopoly is surely being served up as a symbol of something else. Playing it might well be the most boring thing Paris can thing of.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)