Madonna Gets In Bed With Ticket Touts

IS Madonna’s hopping into bed with ticket touts an exercise in greed or research for Guy Ritchie’s next Mockney geyser flick?

The Wall Street Journal reports that Madonna’s upcoming concert tour is to feature an official ticket tout.

You know how it works: the touts buy up the tickets leaving the fans to scratch around for what they can get.

Dial the official ticket line and get tapped for a “booking fee” when you pay by one of those new fangled credit car, or buy online and on the point of sale find the site freezes like Anthea Turner at an orgy.

The deal means Madonna is tied up to StubHub, owned by eBay, via which ticket holders can “resell” (tout) tickets.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money | Comments (8)

Cheeky By Jowl: Lempit Opik President Of Romania

LEMBIT Opik MP and his Cheeky Girl Gabi, Britain’s’ answer to Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni, are in Hello! talking about their engagement.

Says Lembit: “My fellow parliamentarians have always been very warm towards me and Gabriela. When she joined me in the Commons one evening, a queue of MPs formed to give her a hug and wish her well.”

You can picture the scene as John Prescott warms his hard on his tray of sweet and sour prawn balls and moves in for the interfratisulated clinch, asking her if there any more like her at ‘ome.

Hello! wants to know what the response has been like to the impending nuptials in Gabi’s native Romania?

“Everybody in Romania has followed every single step of our relationship,” says she,” and Lembit is popular there so the news has been well–received there too.”

Lembit Opik, Liberal Democrat MP for Montgomeryshire, is a hit in Romania? Anorak recalls how Norman Wisdom was big in communist Albania, and how David Hasselhoff achieved pop music success in irony free Germany. Is Opik the Tom Jones of the Carpathians?

Anorak

Posted: 10th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello!, Politicians | Comments (2)

Legends Of The Ball: Whitney Houston’s Park Life

OVER the newswires, Anorak learns that “Whitney Houston dazzled the crowd with a rare live performance at a star-studded charity ball in London”.

And not just in any part of London but in a park.

Readers who last saw Houston in a glassy-eyed stupor may wonder if she is in the park serenading the pigeons.

PR guru Max Clifford saw Houston at the Plymouth Jazz Festival in Tobago the previous week, and said she seemed “somewhere else” (Mirror). Or “out of this world”, as he surely meant.

This is the real deal, and Houston’s audience are stars to a man.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)

A More Stable Life With Noel Gallagher’s Ex Meg Matthews

“MEG MATTHEWS RETURNS TO PRIMROSE HILL,” says Hello magazine.

Matthews, who was for a time married to jobbing John Lennon impersonator Noel Gallagher, lives in a “box house”.

What a box house is we cannot say for certain, but we have every reason to imagine it smells of new shoes, stale air and tobacco. It is, though, not a magic box because Matthews is keen for her daughter Anais to be creatively stimulated and not “sat at home playing Nintendo”.

Meg is billed as “rock chick” but she sounds like a middle-class housewife from the Home Counties. She has just bought Anais her “first pony”, Megastar, and the young scamp “spends every waking minute at our local stables”.

Those Londoners who know of stables in Primrose Hill can now realise that the layers of turd that cover the green space are not all made by dogs and wayward clubbers but horses, too.

So keen is Anais on riding that we see her sat on a large orange plastic dog. Matthews has spent periods in rehab and we wonder if this is Megastar, and if pretending it is a live pony is part of Anais’ creative education?

Anorak

Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comments (2)

Beyonce’s House Of Dereon Sex Shoes For Pre-Schoolers

BEYONCE has a range of fashion. It’s tarty meets Tonka: 

I don’t know about you, but the words “fuck me pumps” and “pre-schoolers” do not need to go together in the same sentence.

Source

Anorak

Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Eva Mendes In Vogue Toe Job

EVA Mendes is a Hollywood actress who looks like a cross between Charlton Heston and a Cheeky Girl.

This photograph appears in Italian Vogue. It shows Eva sucking her toe.

In parts of Italy this may well be alluring; in others it may be a sign that the streets are clean and a symbol of civic pride, especially in those regions bordering Switzerland.

In another still, a pair of feet, possible belonging to Mendes – who seems flexible – are pressed against her bosom. Is this new form of therapy? Or something more sinister, a metaphor for Mendes struggle to be taken a serious actress?

Anorak

Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

Shopping For Ties With Irritating Paul McCartney

BREAKING Paul McCartney news in the Star where eyewitnesses spot the wobbly headed divorcee buying three ties.

Paul is in Lewis’s department store, buying three £11.99 ties – one blue, one brown, and one in hearing aid grey.

“He was really down to earth and seemed pleased,” says Tarja Ord, who served Paul his go ahead neckwear.

In unrelated news, Paul has been voted the most irritating celebrity on plant earth by people who vote on a website.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Free Hannah Montana Trading Cards

THE Mirror is advertising “FREE HANNAH MONTANA trading cards”.

Every day for six days, Mirror readers can pick up cards featuring Smiley Miley, the teenaged temptress from Disney’s hit TV show.

These cards are a “must for any Hannah Montana fan”, whether you’re a pre-teen girl, worried mum or member of the sex offenders’ register who lives on a caravan sites on the Welsh coast.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Celebrity Drama: Melinda Messenger Bulges

CELEBRITY drama of the day: Melinda Messenger’s Blind Love

Melinda Messenger “feared the worst” when son Flynn began to sneeze.

He eyes had started to “bulge”.

Says Melinda: “It looked so horrible. I was sure he was going to go blind.”

Anorak

Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

We Woz Robbied: Williams And Ant ‘n’ Dec’s TV Fix

ANT (left) and Dec (right) are holding a small statuette (centre).

They are the happy winners of a British Comedy Award for their Saturday night show Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway. It’s 2005, and the Peoples’ Choice Award – voted by you, the People – is theirs.

But they haven’t won, not really. It’s just that Robbie Williams wants to present them with an award so ITV have fixed the vote to ensure they win and that Williams enlivens another televised showbiz AGM.

It’s the Star’s front-page news: “ANT ‘N’ DEC TV AWARD FIXED – Show is fiddled to keep Robbie Williams happy.”

Anorak

Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Tomorrow’s Amy Winehouse Sun Front Page

THANKS to the Soar-away Sun, Amy Winehouse is helping police with their enquiries.

The Sun is now the world’s first drugs free paper, committed to shining a small red light from a video camera or mobile camera phone into the faces of the nation’s leading celebrities. (Exclusive via: Beau D’Or Website)

As the official narks newspaper says: “AMY WINEHOUSE was arrested yesterday over The Sun’s sensational video showing her smoking crack.”

Anorak

Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (12)

That Teenage Angelina Jolie Music Video

HERE’S a video of a 16-year-old Angelina Jolie turning on a lot of older Italian men.

It’s a bit like watching colour CCTV footage of a Knightbridge nightclub:

Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over…

Anorak

Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Celebrity Police Nick Amy Winehouse

ANOTHER day and with it another chance for Britain’s celebrity police force to have their picture taken alongside a face, on this occasion it’s Amy Winehouse’s.

Right now some lucky copper is nailing his photo the canteen wall alongside shots of coppers with Michel Barrymore, Kate Moss, Peter Doherty and many, many more.

Indeed, rumours are that Doherty Duty is now part of the police training scheme, with all new recruits invited to identify the pop f***wit and then nick him.

Today, though, the Mail is reporting that Amy Winehouse has been arrested for possession of Class A drugzzz.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Kerry Katona On Those Lies

FOR those of you heard the “lies” about Kerry Katona being trapped with Mark Croft and wishing she’d never married him; for those of you who’ve read that she’s “depressed” and “suffering fresh doubts” about her marriage, forget it.

Those stories about her being trapped in a marriage with Mark Croft, about her suffering fresh doubts and being depressed are “lies”.

Get over them. And get over yourself.

This is Kerry Katona’s OK! Diary, OK, and she knows what’s what.

Okay!?

Anorak

Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (6)

Private Moments With Harry Kewell And Sheree Murphy

“WHAT’s stopped you thrusting yourselves into the limelight, like the Beckhams?”

That question to Sheree Murphy and occasional Liverpool footballer Harry Kewell, who features on the front cover of OK! magazine.

“It’s their decision,” says Sheree, who says that she and her footballer got loads of offers but Harry “stayed private”.

Liverpool fans may well nod. They’ve seen little of Harry Kewell in this time at the club, and rumours abound that he not so much shuns the limelight as the light itself.

But here is Harry, at home in his wooden kitchen, with son Taylor dangling round his neck, daughter Ruby sat on the granite worktop and newborn baby Matilda in Sheree’s arms, which stay quite thin (“a lot of it was water”).

These are private moments with the Kewells.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, OK! | Comments (6)

Tom Cruise To Gold Base: A New Website And A New Katie Holmes

TO celebrate Tom Cruise’s 25 years since his big break in Risky Business, Anorak has been reenacting Tom’s best scenes. And Tom has a new website.

Today’s we’ve been using the actual Airfix fighter jet Tom sat in for those Top Gun action sequences, and some of the toy soldiers and play-dough figures that were also used in the original.

Goose was sadly sat upon by one of the accounts team, and now doubles as Tom’s wheelchair in Born On The Fourth Of July.

Today Tom’s in the National Enquirer, on account of his wife’s stint at Gold Base, the Scientology rewiring centre in Hemet, California.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (10)

Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Pete Doherty’s Latest Release

PETE Doherty has been released from jail, and Her Majesty’s Pleasure. Says he:

Well, I knew it was going to be a bit rough to start with, with the overcrowding and the medical facilities although they do their best – they are good, they can’t really cater for the average junkie…

Doherty can’t be the average junkie, can he? Is the average junkie so polite? Says Doherty:

“Thank you Mrs Thatcher for putting me in the company of the most dangerous criminals in the country.”

Granted, Doherty may have slept through the Blair years and be confusing the former and aged Prime Minister with the current Queen, but it is a mistake many have made, not least of all Queen  Margaret…

Doherty. Doherty. Doherty. Out! Out! Out!

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Happy Birthay Cakes, Victoria Beckham, Love Heidi Klum

IT’S Victoria Beckham’s birthday and Heidi Klum, the model, is wondering what to get her.

What does Posh need?

Heidi knows. She has bought her a dozen cupcakes from the Sprinkles bakery.
And there’s a note:

“Happy Birthday – expect a dozen every Friday! Love, Heidi.”

That’s right, Posh needs feeding. And this is the gift that keeps on coming. Every Friday for an entire year Her Poshness will receive 12 cakes.

The Anorak is minded of the quip between George Bush and the BBC’s political pundit Nick Robinson, he of the noble brow.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)

50 Cent Mugged On Stage

AMERICAN wapper 50 Cent has been mugged on stage…

source 

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Celebrity Police After Peaches Geldof And A Can Of Celebrity Worms

“MY FEAR FOR PEACHES,” says the Mail’s front-page headline, words that could be uttered by just about anyone – Bob Geldof, the Man From DelMonte or the Mail’s Liz Jones.

The chair is with Jones who says she met the daughter of famous parents Bob and Paula Yates and found her to be “spoilt” and “completely undeserving of the enormous leg-up she has been given in her chosen career of TV presenter.”

She was also “sad”.

That’s “THE TROUBLE WITH PEACHES”. No, not that journalists can recall meeting her and now seek to stick the boot in as she confronts allegations of drug talking. The trouble with Peaches is something else entirely.

The trouble is the “fear of the police knock on the door”.

The Mirror has spotted our Celebrity Police Force at work, and using a picture of “Cocaine Kate” Moss, Amy Winehouse and the aforesaid Yates, places Peaches in context.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Vinnie Jones Lends Paul Gascoigne A Mahogany Hand

WHEN that photo was taken of Vinnie Jones massaging Paul Gascoigne’s tackle who would have predicted the men’s careers would develop as they have done?

Gascoigne was to don a pair of comedy breasts, tell Norway to f*** off and score a wonderful goal in Euro /96 just to get a drink.

Jones went on to star in a TV advert for the AA and become the one Wimbledon player to go to Hollywood for anything other than a holiday.

Had only some agent spotted Gascoigne’s comedic talents the man could now be fronting Paul Gascoigne’s TV Burp on the magic box.

Do we laugh when reading the Sun’s headline “Gazza was begging in street…he tried to buy a Ferrari then his trouser fell down”? Take care with your reaction. Gazza was wearing no underwear, says the car dealer.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Amy Winehouse’s Long Walk To Freedom: Blake’s Mandela Love Rival

GREAT to see Amy Winehouse back in the news after a too long period of reflection. And good to know that her jailed husband, Blake, is looking forward to life after bars.

Sad to say it is less than likely that Amy and Blake will be putting in an appearance on All Star Mr & Mrs, at least not together, as the Sun reports that Blake is to leave Winehouse for a mystery blonde.

Here’s Blake telling his lover: “Just say the world and I’ll dump Amy. I love you more than I could ever love my wife. You’re all that matters to me.”

The identity of this lover is not given, but knowing how Blake is in jail one wonders who it can be, or what? Prison can do strange things to a man, especially one who has been linked to drugs and their imbibing.

The Anorak recalls that scene in Castaway when Tom Hanks finds a lover in the shape of a football with a face drawn on it. Might Blake’s blonde be a broom stick, which for a time resembled Winehouse until the mind began to whirr with stories of her alleged infidelity and was replaced by a mop head?

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Marry On Paul Allen’s Yacht

BRAD Pitt and Angelina Jolie are to marry on board Octopus, a yacht – the world’s largest privately owned yacht – owned by former Microsoft owner Paul Allen.

Namibia was deemed too small…

Anorak

Posted: 5th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Peaches Geldof Digs Deep To Continue Bob Geldof’s Work

“PEACHES: YOU WILL DIE LIKE YOUR MUM.”

The Star’s front-page juice is that Peaches Geldof might have been getting stoned and needs to can it or she will fall from the family tree like her fruity mum Paula Yates.

Indeed, dear reader, who cannot read the Star’s front-page headline and wonder: But where’s the pun?

It’s much the same on the Mail’s cover where its readers learn: “Police to question Peaches on ‘drug deal’ film.”

No pun, although Mail readers may wonder if modern life really has turned into a Clockwork Orange, albeit with fuzz-faced Stoned Peaches running amuck.

The Mirror continues the Dadaist theme by saying how “Peaches will be grilled by detectives”. What has become of a country where coppers go to work on toasted Peaches and not eggs or the more traditional kidneys, liver and backs of legs?

“Peaches doing her drug deal,” says the Sun, shocked out of a pun but pragmatic enough to transcribe the incredible talking Peaches.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Jeremiah Wright And The New Church Or Oprah

OPRAH Winfrey leaves Rev. Jeremiah Wright’s church becasue “There is the Church of Oprah now”…

Anorak

Posted: 4th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comment