Celebrity Police Update: Amy Winehouse And Peaches Geldof On Drugs Tape

MORE celebrity policing by the News of the World as it says “POLICE are to quiz Sir Bob Geldof’s daughter Peaches after she was filmed buying DRUGS from Amy Winehouse’s alleged dealer.”

The paper says police seized a video from Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton “as part of their investigation into what police suspect is a celebrity drugs empire run by the pair”.

For the (video) tape there are, reportedly, images of Amy Winehouse taking crack cocaine, and Peaches “handing a drugs pusher up to £190” and her offering the line: “I’m going to need Valium tomorrow after this.”

No problem, surely. We imagine that a Celebrity Drugs Empire marches on its Columbian powered and recuperates on some prescription drugs.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Celebrity Divorce Court With Gary Coleman

EVERBODY’S got a special kind of story
Everybody finds a way to shine,
It don’t matter that you got not alot
So what,
They’ll have theirs, and you’ll have yours, and I’ll have mine.
And together we’ll be fine….

Whatever happened to Gary Coleman:

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Amanda Holden On Simon Cowell And Her Kidzzz

SAYS Amanda Holden, Britain’s Got Talent’s lachrymose, avalable-looking office girl-in-residence of Simon Cowell:

“I love Simon but he really isn’t interested in anyone except himself. I can chat to Piers about my family but Simon’s happiest talking about work.

“I tell him about Lexi and he honestly could not be less interezzzzted…”

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (21)

That Disgusting Pornographic Miley Cyrus Picture, Again

MORE news on Miley Cyrus, the 15-year-old star of the Hannah Montana TV show, and a Vanity Fair muse.

In “An innocent teen, a suggestive pose and a photo that taints Disney’s new £50m star,” the Express – owned by pornographer Richard Desmond – clacks its tongue, tutts and purses its lips in disgust.

It then shows its readers the  image of an innocent teen in a suggestive pose…

Picture: 14 

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (12)

You Know You’re Old When: New Kids On The Block Return

NEW KIDS on the Block are back…

Anorak

Posted: 1st, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Madonna Is A Singer, In A Room, Dreaming Of Africa

MADONNA is a singer. This much we know. And we invite you to be mindful of this knowledge as you consider this piece in Vanity Fair:

The world is a series of rooms, which are arranged like concentric circles, or rooms within rooms, joined by courtyards and antechambers, and in the room at the center of all those rooms Madonna sits alone, in a white dress, dreaming of Africa.

Coughs: 

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 1st, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Jennifer Lopez’s Odorama Reality TV Show

JENNIER Lopez is to star in a reality TV show. Correction: Jennifer Lopez is not to star in a reality show.

Says her management:

“The recent show Jennifer Lopez plans to produce for TLC is not a reality show. It’s a show that will track the creation, production and eventual launch of a new fragrance. Jennifer will appear in a creative, entrepreneurial capacity and will absolutely not feature her children and family life.”

It’s scratch and sniff TV, a long-awaited update to Mike Todd’s Smell-O-Vision (cigar smoke), and John Waters’ Odorama (farts, skunks, and rotten shoes.)

Gain enviable insight into J-Lo’s world as you tune in and spritz your face with her latest eponymous scent, wafting a filled nappy before your face when the nanny wanders past, sniffing last week’s wet flannel to invoke the smell of damp cave when husband Marc Anthony flutters by and hugging two overstuffed cushions to your chest.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, May 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Whitnall And I: Amy Winehouse Scrubs Up A Treat

BY now you’ll be wondering what Amy Winehouse has been up to.

And the Star can reports that she has been getting a wound to her neck.

The paper says it’s a bite mark from Amy’s jailed husband Blake Fielder–Civil. The Mirror says Winehouse is pointing to it; perhaps it’s proof that she and Blaaake are still an item, as the Star suggests?

It’s a good job the papers is up to speed with such thing lest we think Winehouse was self-harming and the wound was caused by said finger scraping her skin. In which case, we’d tentatively advise some antiseptic creams and a tetanus shot.

Perhaps it’s for reasons of public health that the Sun’s Gordon Smart invites readers to put their hands up if they haven’t slept with Winehouse. Smart wants to look under your nails.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)

American Idol Carrie Underwood Is The Dentists’ Choice

WHEN Carrie Underwood was voted American Idol version 2391b a world of opportunity opened up for her.

Underwood has been voted “Smile of the Year” by one of America’s top half dozen leading dentistry magazines.

She has arrived.

Carrie says “Fnph gnuf lopikishy”, and the dentist with his forefinger and thumb in her mouth blushes.

He then asks her where she’s off to on holiday, tells her he feeds his tropical fish on his homemade fish food recipe, and that he hopes in 20 years time his patients will still be reading about Carrie’s wonderful, if slightly dog-eared, smile…

Spotter 

Anorak

Posted: 30th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (10)

Paula Abdul’s American Idol Tribute To Albert Hoffman

AMERICAN Idol requires the judges to pass judgement when every contestant has sung one song.

Paula Abdul listens to agonist Jason Castro. He sings one song:

“Oh gosh, we’ve never had to write these things down … fast enough,” says Abdul. “Jason, first song, I loved hearing your lower register, which we never really hear, um….

“…The second song, I felt like your usual charm wasn’t – it was missing for me. It kind of left me a little empty.”

Indeed.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment

Amy Winehouse To Launch Own Record Label

AMY Winehouse is plotting to start her own record label.

It’s the Amy Winehouse exclusive of the day.

And just as soon as Amy’s deal with Island Records expires in a year’s time, and so long as she can be bothered, and so long as no other record label has singed her up, and so long as this story is not superseded by “Amy Denies Label Shocker”, she WILL launcher her own record label, very possibly.

The Sun says so.

And the Sun’s Gordon Smart says that all things considered, “It doesn’t sound like a good idea to me”. Smart says Winehouse doesn’t look like a “self starter” and new man Alex Haines “doesn’t looks like a business mastermind”.

Sun readers get to see a picture of Smart, who looks like a mating between a provincial estate agent and a 1950s menswear shop employee. Some would say he doesn’t look like a journalist. But times change, and stereotypes must adapt.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

The Jailing Of Jeffrey Archer

JEFFREY was in jail:

The Governor who debriefed us told us that he had been responsible for Jeffrey Archer while he was at the Bay. “Quite the most obnoxious prisoner I have ever dealt with” he said “Kept trying to tell me how to do my job”.

Spotter: Ed

Anorak

Posted: 30th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comment

Blobby Williams: Robbie Does Elvis

IS that Robbie Williams, singer of Let Meeeee Entartaiynnnyoo?

“You ain’t nothing but a round hog,” says the Sun, comparing the new chubbier Williams to Elvis Presley.

Indeed, with darker hair, a few more inches in height, a different profile, an altered face and more talent, Williams could be dead ringer for Elvis.

Perhaps this is why the paper’s picture of Williams is grainer than sand rat’s poo.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Keeley Hazell Launches Singing Career

KEELY Hazell wants to be a singer…

Anorak

Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Hillary Clinton’s ‘Lesbian Scandal’

WANT to know “all the shocking details” about Hillary Clinton’s “LESBIAN SCANDAL”?

The Enquirer has all the details.

The race for the Democratic nomination to be US President is tuning into a minority issue. On the one side is black, mixed-race, Christian, Muslim, elitist, one-legged, part Cherokee Barack Obama and on the other is mum, wife, cuckold, trouser-suit wearer, mountaineer fan, sniper-dodging, nut crushing, shot-putting lactose intolerant Hillary Clinton.

We are only upset that the one-eyed black Jew Sammy Davis Junior did not long enough to see such a show.

But what of the lesbian scandal?

Anorak

Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (9)

Taking The Piss With Jordan And Peter

PETER Andre leaves urine on the toilet seat.

Given Peter’s careful appearance, we imagine this urine is left on the rim in a hand-blown, crystal-studded glass vial tied with a pink bow.

In turn, Jordan gives her husband a vial of her eponymous perfume, for him to pour lovingly down the pan after said urine.

But what of the rumours about this and that and the other things?

Peter tells OK! readers of his “inner circle”, which is very possibly a euphemism, and says: “Sometimes we’re a bit too trusting and we tell people things we shouldn’t.”

The urine, right? “A lot of stories are false anyway.”

Anorak

Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1)

Amy Winehouse: Blake’s Divorce Settlement And Amy’s True Love

AMY Winehouse Watch: A life in headlines and fact:

The Star: “ME & BLAKE WILL BE TOGETHER FOR EVER”

The Mirror: “Amy: I still love Blake”

“Says Winehouse: “Me and Blake are meant for each other, he’s my man.”

The Sun: “Blake tells Amy: Give me £3m – DIVORCE DEMAND IN JAIL”

In Amy’s Camden Town den, her dad Mitch Winehouse “gave her new love [Alex Haynes] his blessing.”

The facts.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)

Geri Halliwell Mazda be Joking About Her Poor Life

THE contest to be the celebrity face of victims of bullying is fierce.

Today Geri Halliwell puts her hand in the air and say, “My name is Geri and I was bullied”:

“There was a girl at school who threatened to throw me over the railway tracks. I maybe didn’t think of myself as a misfit but I came from a humble background.

“My parents didn’t have much money and my dad would drop me off in this old Mazda car. It was really old and I’d feel a little embarrassed.”

Doubtless this mentally scarring vignette will make it into one of Geri’s books, perhaps her children’s book, the latest of which is being reviewed in the Mirror by one Winona Thompson, aged 9.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Smiley Miley and Paedophilia

TEENAGE Miley Cyrus is posing for Vanity Fair and Gawker is talking about paedos and grooming…

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

That Disgusting Photo Of Hannah Montana’s Miley Cyrus

THE Mail’s vicar smacks his lips together and hisses: “The revealing picture of Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus that forced the 15-year-old to apologise to fans.”

Miley Cyrus, singing teen sensation and 15-year-old star of Disney series Hannah Montana has been photographed by Annie Leibovitz, for Vanity Fair magazine. That’s her in the picture.

Much shock and scandal. The vicar wonders what right-minded soul does not look at the craven picture and imagine Cyrus naked beneath, her chest pushed forward, alabaster breasts touching the…

“My goal in my music and my acting is always to make people happy,” says Miley. (Did no-one tech her it’s rude to interrupt?) “For Vanity Fair I was so honoured and thrilled to work with Annie.

And now: “I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed. I never intended for this to happen and I apologise to my fans, who I care so deeply about.”

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (27)

Madden About The Girl: A PH Test For Just Married Paris Hilton

IT’S Paris Hilton, straight-to-tissues home video star, heiress and American Royalty.

“PARIS MATCH,” says the Mirror as Benji Madden, a performer with pop band Good Charlotte, introduces her as his brother Joel’s sister-in-law.

Can Paris be married? And what does the gigantic diamond ring on her finger with the initials PH mean? The Mirror’s 3am girls, now reduced in number from three to two do not say, and lack the resources to investigate.

Anorak consults its big book of abbreviations to see PH: “Public House”; “Proportional Hazard”; and a test for acid.

Or what about “Photographer’s Hoof”, as the Sun reports on how Hilton and her “boyfriend” are accused of running over the foot of one Glen Gurniak?

Says he: “There were too many people that side of the car so he swung the wheels in my direction on the other side of the car and got my foot trapped under the wheel. I yelled at him, ’Dude, you’ve pinched my foot under the wheel, don’t drive, don’t drive.’”

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Lulu Is A 60s Singing Sensation

LAYDEES’n’gentalmeeen, please put your fingers in your ears and prepare to be screamed at by Lulu…

Here’s Lulu, the only act more excited to see herself than her fans are to see her.

“Lulu..woo-hoo!” says the Mirror, when it should be saying “Lulu..w-hell”.

She’s moved with the times has Lulu, developing from a 1960s’ singing sensation to a “pushing 60” wonder. “Lulu – About to hit 60 and lovely as ever,” says the Express on its front page.

The Mirror says Lulu is 59 and on stage with identical twins Brit and Alex to sing You Can Keep Your Hat On.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

The Ys And Y Nots Of Sean Connery And Daniel Craig

YOU can always trust a man who tucks his vest into his Y-fronts, which is why the new James Bond troubles us.

The Mail produces a picture of pouting Bond actor Daniel Craig in his now well-used light blue swimmers.

To his side is an image of Craig’s Bond predecessor Sean Connery dressed in manly white Y-fronts.

The Mail says the actor is on the set of From Russia With Love and “thought to be preparing for a bedroom scene.”

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Amy Winehouse: The Sun Shines On Blake Wood And Alex Haines

AMY Winehouse is dating one Alex Haines.

Says his stepfather Roger Vine: “He’d never get involved with drugs and doesn’t drink much. He’d be positive influence.”

As if to prove the point the Mirror investigates Haines. This expedition if journalism goes as far as visiting Facebook and finding a picture of Haines “stripped to the waist at a drug-fuelled Thai beach party as he dances with his eyes half-shut”. The paper says the picture is captioned “Alex tripping”.

Having set the scene, the Mirror then reminds its readers that “there is no proof that he has even taken drugs”. Readers should not read of the drugs, the eyes, the tripping and the “boozy wild nights out” and draw the wrong conclusion – such is the Mirror’s professionalism.

This is Haines of whom a source says: “He always said he’d do anything to get rich and would love to be famous.”

Anything? Would he sleep with Winehouse, something the Sun says one Blake Wood has done in the rooms at London’s Park Plaza hotel?

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Howard Stern: When a Sidekick Dies

HOWARD Stern used to be big. Then he became less big.

Tabloid Baby asks: If a Howard Stern sidekick drops dead and nobody hears about it, is he really dead?

Well, it’s happened, but who would know? Or care? Gosh, has it really been that long since Howard was relevant– or even real? For you younger readers growing up in an aural wasteland dominated by the likes of the surprisingly pliable and recently feminized monotonal bore Adam Carolla (he now plays the “modern woman” to his pre-liberation sidekick Teresa Strasser and Eighties pop culture gal “Bald Brian”) there was a time when the radio personality was a vital force in pop culture, with his radio show debated on television and in print and the comings and goings of his subsidiary characters like Jackie The Jokeman and Stuttering John treated like characters on a radio reality show.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)