Geri Halliwell’s Sanitary Ugenia Lavender

GERI Halliwell is no different and no better than any other celebrity mother and as such she will be writing a children’s book, for children and childish adults.

The book’s heroine is called Ugenia Lavender, which might sound like a female sanitary towel, and in time most probably will be..

Says Halliwell:

“One of the things I liked about writing the books was that it was almost like I got to exercise that brat-child that I am not allowed to be in real life. All the things I can’t do in real life – like sulking or stamping my feet or being rude to someone – Ugenia can do in the book.”

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)

Padma Lakshmi Finds A Teddy To Love

SALMAN Rushdie’s, 60, former wife, the 37-year-old Indian model Padma Lakshmi, is said to have found love with Teddy Forstman.

The Express says he’s a 67-year-old American billionaire.

The Mail says he’s 68 – “and not only is he richer than the irascible author, he is also older.”

We have little idea what the Mail is driving at, and can only say that we hope the rich man and his lovely lady are as happy and suited as Old Mr Anorak’s youngest son and his impoverished-but-ambitious new love…

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Tom Cruise Back On Oprah’s Couch

AFTER that performance, Tom Cruise is going back on Oprah Winfrey’s couch.

The 45-year-old will feature in two shows to mark the 25th anniversary of his 1983 flick Risky Business.

Lie down and tell Oprah where it hurts.

She’s listening…

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Gemma Atkinson Is Made In China

GEMMA Atkinson has endured a “death-defying walk” along the Great Wall of China, all 42 miles of it.

And how did she survive “sheer clifftops”, “perilous valleys” and ancient Chinese stone cladding? Says the Star: “Thanks to her jungle training on I’m A Celebrity.”

But knowing how to change a toilet roll in an open-air studio might not be enough. And, as luck had it, also on the walk was Cliff Richard, a camera crew and Olivia Newton-John.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

Shoegazing With Gwyneth Paltrow

LOOK everyone, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow.

“High, Gwyneth!” says the Mails’ front-page greeter. Gwyneth’s in London. And she’s wearing high heels.

“Feeling Coldplay, Gwyneth?” asks the Sun on its cover.

“WOW Gwyneth,” says the Express on its front page. She’s “HIGH ON HEELS.”

“Gwyn and bare it,” trills the Mirror on Page number one.

It’s the biggest single case of shoegazing since Morrissey dropped his tambourine…

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Amy Winehouse Cleans Up With Her Act

NEWS is that good looking, vivacious and not-in-the-least-bit-flaky Amy Winehouse is worth £10million

The Mirror says that the singer has raked in the cash “despite a lengthy booze and drugs battle.”

That would be the same booze and drugs battle that has helped case her fame to shoot up faster than Pete Doherty on the other end of John Prescott’s see-saw?

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Bruce Willis To Play Murray Walker In Schumacher Film

“IF you pop a pair of glasses on Bruce [Willis], the similarity to a younger Murray Walker is amazing.”

Using some computer wizardry Anorak complies.

Considering the results, we can only say that given the high probability that Walker wears a vest at all times, had a BBC studio been invaded by a gang of murderous Germans it would have been so much the worse for them.

“There they go, motherf*****.”

Sure enough Walker can sound like Willis, but can Willis do Walker’s impression of a car engine, what TV pundits call nasal vibrato?

That’s the challenge facing Willis should he get the nod to play Walker in The Michael Schumacher Story.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

YouTube Turns Off Anti-Scientology Blogger

IS YouTube in cahoots with The Church of Scientology?

The Church drives a lot of traffic, especially the spoof Tom Cruise videos.The Xenutv1 channel run by Mark Bunker is no more. As reported, last week Bunker trailed a three-hour interview with Jason Beghe – a film and television actor who recently defected from the world of Scientology.

See it here.

Xenutv1 has gone the way of Xenutv, whish was turned off in February – the same day Bunker’s other channel featuring the video on which Tom Cruise refers to Scientology as “a blast” was offed.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)

Kurt Cobain’s Killer Shoes: Press Release Of The Day

PSST! Wanna buy Kurt Cobain’s dead shoes?

“To honour Cobain, in May, Converse will debut their Kurt Cobain collection of shoes featuring artwork and scribbles borrowed from Cobain’s personal notebooks.

It will mark a central part of the yearlong 100th Anniversary ‘Welcome to the Converse Century’ celebration.”

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Online-PR | Comment (1)

Ivana Trump Crosses Off The Rubicondi

SOMETHING borrowed, something blue, something old and something new.
Ivana Trump’s wedding has it all, although which is which is best left to others to decipher.

All we can say is that the groom Rossano Rubicondi looks so new he shines like buffer tuppeny bit, the moon is blue and the wedding march is borrowed from the film Rocky.

And here comes Ivan, 59-year-old former model and jobbing Mrs Donald Trump, now working as National Enquirer’s agony aunt.

Ivana is dressed in pastel tones. The invitation, as Hello! explains, stipulates that women must wear pastel shades, but avoid yellow or pink, which would clash with the bride’s hair and natural-look skin tones.

Rossano in clad from his teeth to his tails in gleaming white. His bum might be in the smaltz as Old Mr Anorak says, but he scrubs up well.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comment (1)

The Skinny On Victoria Beckham’s Pussy Cat Dolls’ Dance

“WHO’S TRYING TO BAN ALL SKINNY CELEBRITIES?”

heat magazine asks the questions that matter, getting beneath the skin to the hard, protruding bone of celebrity life.

But what is the answer?

Well, it’s not heat, which features walking pencil Victoria Beckham and Girls Aloud’s resident singing microphone stand Nadine Coyle.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Amy Winehouse Is Off Her Headbutts On Pub Crawl

AMY Winehouse has hit “ROCK BOTTOM”.

So says the Sun’s front page, which pictures Winehouse trying to see her eyebrows without a mirror.

Inside and: “Crazed Amy hits 2 men, trashes bar, snogs bloke, smokes drugs in street then has taxi row.”

Readers not up with the music scene may wonder what it is about Winehouse that marks her out for special treatment, her night out being pretty much the norm for us all. Throw in a kebab and Winehouse’s antics would be a fitting tribute to St George’s Day.

This is Winehouse’s 8-hour pub bender, says the Star. It’s her six-hour pub crawl, says the Mail.

Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi is playing pool in Camden Town pub The Good Mixer. Says he: “She smashed my face hard. I could not hit back – she’s a woman.”

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)

Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s Game Of Rat And Mouse

MORE insights into Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s behind closed doors action as the Mockney puts own his mobile phone to talk about house pricezzzz…

He says that immigrants have changed the market. Says Ritchie: “And as anyone who has tried to buy a house in central London knows, it’s almost impossible to do so unless you have ten million quid.”

That’s £10million pounds to you Londoners. And, as luck has it, Guy and is lovely American wife Madonna, do have such an amount, indeed they have enough to own six home houses in the capital.

Says Guy (American for Geyser) in Empire magazine: “The natives are being left behind because the big money came in and if it wanted something it bought it and made a fortune.”

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Billie Piper’s Rub ‘N’ Tell

“IS Billie Piper’s tummy hiding a little secret?”

There’s a picture on the Express’ front page of Piper in a bikini. That would be enough for any other news day but today there is more: Piper is caressing the gap between bikini top and bikini bottom with her right hand.

Is this a tell, a sign that something is up?

Most people rub their noses when lying we are told, or tug their ear lobe when plotting world domination. Now the Express says rubbing a tummy is a sign of being secretive, of being a little secret keeper, a keeper of little secrets.

The Mail agrees and on its front page asks: “So, Billie… is there a little secret you’d like to share?”

If this were a big secret, Piper would be using her left hand, of course. But it’s her right hand, so the secret may be a little one.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Amy Winehouse and Blake’s Kiss ‘n’ Cell Book

AMY Winehouse has been offered £1million to write a book about her marriage to her incarcerated husband Blaaaaake.

It’s a kiss ‘n’ cell.

Says a source in the Sun: “They are prepared for it to be warts and all.”

Given the state of the Winehouse complexion, readers can make their own assumptions.

But what of this tome? Most autobiographies deal with rows, sexual conquests or a chance to score points over an arch rival (aka: setting the record straight).

Winehouse married Blaaake on May 18 2007. On November 10th 2007, Blake was sent to jail.

They have shared the marital bed for a full 176 days. That’s 15,206,400 seconds, 253,440 minutes or 4224 hours.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

That Chanelle Hayes And Danny DeVito Sex Tape In Full

WHAT odds on there being a Chanelle Hayes sex tape? And what odds it being released/ found/ stolen by builders in the run up to Big Brother?

The odds would be slimmer than Victoria Beckham in a rake factory.

So here is the Chanelle Hayes sex tape, as broadcast by the Daily Star. Or not.

The video has sent the internet into “meltdown”. We shall have to make do with a few stills form it that the Star managed to grab.

And we see Chanelle having it off with – shock of shocks – Danny De Vito.

The Star, somewhat cruelly, says the other party is a puppet being used to promote a new telly show called Fur TV.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Jodie Marsh

SAYS Jodie Marsh to GMTV’s Lorraine Kelly:

“You know what, I’ll tell you the honest truth – because I did have quite big boobs, natural big boobs and, as any woman with big boobs knows, they don’t stay pert and firm forever – they don’t. ­­And of course, when gravity takes it toll, you’re left with boobs that really only look good in a push up bra – which is what mine had become. And I’d got to a point where I was like, I want them to look like this all the time, I don’t want to have to keep pushing them up.”

Better yet, the 29-year-old Jodie also told her plastic surgeon she “didn’t want them to be ridiculous.“

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (5)

Cruz Beckham Speaks Out

SAYS Cruz Beckham…

Says Brooklyn Beckham…

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Madonna On Tom Cruise, The Frog King

SAYS Madonna of Tom Cruise:

“I don’t care if people worship turtles or frogs – if they’re good people.”

Frogs are people too. It needed saying. Go on:

“I think he gets a raw deal, just as I think orphans in Malawi get a raw deal, just as I think a lot of marginalised people get a raw deal.”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (16)

Lembit Opik And Cheeky Girl’s Fountain Of Love

IF the Asda job is going , then surely the supermarket’s marketing wonks should look beyond Carla Bruni’s backside and go for a patted arse we British can call our own, chiefly that of Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia.

And she is one of us, or very soon will be, as the Mail reports that Cheeky A is to marry Lembit Opik MP.

News is that the LibDem MP (Opik) proposed to his Cheeky Girl beside Rome’s Trevi Fountain.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)

The Sultanas Of Carla Bruni: Coleen McLoughlin Axed As Face Of Asda

NEWS now that Carla Bruni is set to replace Coleen McLoughlin as the face of Asda supermarkets.

Readers versed in the Asda advertising oeuvre realise that Asda has less a face than an arse (no offence, Coleen), which is patted on the pocket to show how an hour a day running up the aisles looking for anything you’d want to eat keeps mums on a budget in shape.

The new arse of Asada is aid to be Carla Bruni, currently appearing as French president Nicola Sarkozy’s wife.

Being so much taller than her husband, these new ads could feature Bruni looking over the frozen curry croissants while Nicolas reaches up and with the aid of a baguette manages to tap her playfully on the backside.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Beckhams’ Joint Party Invite To Lakers Girl

WASN’T Victoria Beckham’s 34th birthday party a hoot?

The Spice Girls, Sir Elton John, “Scientology fan” Tom Cruise and Diddyman-done-good P Diddy were all in force to sing Happy Birthday in a show-tune-rap-style to Her Poshness, says the Star.

The Sun sees more names: Eva Longoria, Kate Becksindale, Gwen Stefani, Katie Holmes and David Beckham, who the Mirror says was also celebrating his birthday party.

A joint party is always a good idea, preventing either of the Beckhams from claiming more showbiz pals than the other.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Heather Mills In ‘Lesbian Romp’

GIVEN the meanness of the divorce settlement, it would only ever be a matter of time before we read something like: “MUCCA’S ‘£10K lesbian romp’.”

It has been claimed that Lady Heather Mills, described as “horny”, on the Star’s front page, “was paid £10,000 for acting out girl-on-girl fantasy sex.”

The source of this shocker is Denise Hewitt, described as “kinky” and an “ex-call girl”. Says she: “Girls in Newcastle do it for free. But we’d get £10,000 for our girlie-girlie scenes.”

Those rich clients, Saudi Princes and non doms whom Denise claims hired she and Lady Heather to pose in a lesbian tableau should know that a flight from London to Newcastle is less than £10,000, and should leave enough chance for a packet of chips, a pint of curry sauce and the all important flight out of Newcastle.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Kerry Katona Is ‘An Embarrassment’

SAYS Kerry Katona’s ex-husband Brian McFadden, known to millions of Westlife fans as pop sensation Bryan McPadding:

“Kerry is a disgusting human being. She manipulates people and plays the sympathy card for every stupid mistake she makes.

“Me and my family have been put through hell by her stupid games.

“She is an embarrassment.”

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Britain’s Got Talent: Dwarf Sinatra Impersonator Charlie Green

ALL hail Charlie Green, vying with Pie Jesu singer-du-jour Andrew Johnston to be the winner of TV’s Britain’s Got Talent.

Here’s Charlie singing Summer Wind, billed in the Mail as a “Sinatra classic”.

That’s right, it’s the classic Fiona Sinatra tune that you can’t quite recall. The melody goes like this: ta-ra-ra-ra-ta-tum-tum-ta. The lyrics go like this:

The summer wind, came blowin in – from across the sea
It lingered there, so warm and fair – to walk with me
All summer long, we sang a song – and strolled on golden sand
Two sweethearts, and the summer wind

What odds that Charlie is not really aged 10 but Little Frank, a dwarf Frank Sinatra impersonator who has struggled to get work ever since bigger Frank faced his final curtain?

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)