Hating Bruce Forsythe And Sharing Harry Hill’s Joke

FRESH back from the BAFTAS, TV’s AGM and awards do, we learn that Bruce Forsythe has won a “Fellowship Award”.

“TV veteran Brucie steals gong show,” says the Mirror, with unnecessary cruelty. If the BAFTA members want to give Bruce a long-service medal, then so be it. We would say that he not steal it so much as earned it, although Des O’Connor may disagree.

“It’s impossible not to like Bruce Forsythe,” says the Mirror’s TV watcher Jim Shelley. Impossible? Nothing of it. The trick is to picture Bruce throttling your pet dog, repeatedly running over a dear family member or marrying Anthea Turner. You can learn to hate him.

“If you like TV, you’ve got to like Bruce Forsythe,” says Shelley.

Or like Harry Hill’s TV Burp, the show in which Hill takes the rise out of TV programmes and TV stars and gets a laugh.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (8)

The Pete Doherty Museum Opens

WELCOME to the Peter Doherty museum.

The Mirror says the nine-bedroom maisonette Doherty calls home boasts human blood and scribble on the walls, the stench of nine cats (a bedroom for each?) and no curtains.

The Mirror says this is all too terrible. It’s a “bloody Shambles”.

Now the paper says Doherty has been kicked out of his home, which is not as bad as it sounds since he is currently staying at Her Majesty’s pleasure.

And it’s not too bad for the home’s owner, who can now open the doors – or kick them off the hinges – at the Doherty Museum.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Liz Hurley: My Bikini Hell

SAYS Liz Hurley: “Shooting bikinis is now my life, which as you can imagine is unmitigated hell.”

And not to pleasant for those poor defenceless bikinis who have never harmed a fly.

Says Liz: “But if you signed on for the gig, sadly you have to go and be jolly in a skimpy white bikini. So now I rely on nice photographers and a certain amount of retouching.

“I don’t mind if you want to make me look a bit thinner and a bit younger.”

With so much young talent out there, why don’t photographers find someone younger and better looking than Hurley and put them in a bikini? But can real flesh and bone ever replace computer wizardry? Discuss.

Liz has words to the wise: “We all like to get rid of spots and shadows under our eyes. But I’ve always been quite particular – I don’t like my face to be retouched.”

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Derren Brown Is A Bent-alist

DERREN Brown, the “telly trickster,” is gay.

Says the Sun: “Derren: Yes, I’m a mind bender.”

The paper says Derren “today shatters the illusion he created for millions of viewers – with the admission he is gay.”

We like our TV mentalists to be straight and the fear is that now Derren has come out his tricks will no longer work.

What real man would want to be “put under” by Derren? What woman would not wonder what Derren means when he asks her to “think of an animal?” And what child dares look?

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Tom Crusie’s Scientologists Beat The Atheists

IN Touch magazine reports that all is not well with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, and she plans to leave Los Angles for Manhattan with the couple’s daughter Suri.

In “Katie wants her life back”, an “insider” tells the magazine: “Of course Katie still loves him (Tom), but she does often feel like the little wife that has to sit there quietly and smile serenely at everything he says.”

On a happier note, Tom’s Scientologists are No.1, edging out atheists as the religious group America feels least positive about.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (21)

Christina Ricci Is Not Scarlett Johnson

GEORGE Gurley is in coversatiosn with Christina Ricci for BlackBook magaazine.

Gurley: “What’s it like being the face of Louis Vuitton?”

Ricci: “Well, I’m not anymore. I was one of four actresses that they used in a campaign once and it was really fun. I liked it.

I would like to be the face of Louis Vuitton. I am not, however. You know who is? Scarlett Johansson is the face of Louis Vuitton.

Wrong interview.”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Have A Banana With Tony Curtis And Al Fayed

SAYS Tony Curtis in the Express: “Sure I’ve tried botox. In Hollywood everyone has.”

The Mail watches as Curtis poses with Mohammed Al Fayed at the Egyptian’s corner shop.

The report features the following exchange: “Curtis and Mr Al Fayed shook hands and the Harrods owner patted his friend’s bald head before giving him a banana.”

Says Curtis: “He’s always given me a banana.”

Your suggestions as to why, please…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism, Tabloids | Comments (16)

Rebecca Loos Dishes Dirt On Beckham And Pigs

“BECKS ‘LOVER TO TELL ALL.”

The Star reports that Rebecca Loos is to lift the lid on her “sexploits” in a new TV show.

In what TV watchers are calling Country File meets Channel X celebrity pig tosser Rebecca Loos will tell us all about her love life.

Along with the livestock insights, Loos may find time to mention David Beckham, with whom she alleges an affair.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Naomi Campbell’s How To Airport Guide

NAOMI Campbell is on a buggy making her way to the immigration hall at Heathrow Airport.

It is a journey of 100 yards. The average catwalk is but 49 yards in length – 98 yards there and back. Ms Campbell is taking no chances.

Her bags are already on the carousel.

Says a source: “Nothing was left to chance. Staff did not want a repeat performance.”

Indeed, not.

And Anorak encourages travellers to do as their spokesperson Campbell does and have a hissy fit when confronted with any hint of delay or disrespect in airport workers.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Britain’s Least Talented People

THE Telegraph has a list of Britain’s Least Talented people.

Can you spot your favourite:

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (14)

Trisha Goddard: My Cancer Drug Teen Asbo Hell

TRISHA Godard, presenter of bear-baiting TV show Trisha, has cancer.

Or, rather, she had cancer, and is now speaking to the Mirror about her surgery and recovery.

It’s a story worthy of a front-page exclusive.

It’s the Sun’s “TRISHA REVEALS HOW HUSBAND HELPS HER BATTLE CANCER” and the Mail’s “I can win this cancer fight, says Trisha”…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Pete Doherty Black Pudding For Sale

HERE’S your chance to buy a genuine Pete Doherty original.

Among the organic roll mop herrings, bona fide “Rollock” watches and drugs on sale in North London pubs, drinkers are being offered a chance to buy Doherty trinkets and art works.

What these goods are, the Sun does not detail.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

When Tilda Swinton Dies

CELEBRITY Quote of the Day: Tilda Swinton:

“I’d like to be done up to the nines in a huge flowery chiffon dress, stretched out like a sail on a beach in the Hebrides, (so I can be) pecked to pieces by birds.”

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Naomi Campbell’s BA Ruckus: Spokesperson For Terminal Five Passengers

NAOMI Campbell is the celebrity face of old bags.

She is in conversation with a Brazilian organ – since being banned for life for flying with British Airways over an incident at Heathrow Terminal Five, Campbell has flown by a Brazilian carrier, says the Star.

Says Campbell of BA: “Someone from BA called me and asked that I return to fly with them but this will not occur so early.”

BA deny making any such call. And offer no comment on why it is Campbell has taken to speaking in the manner of Benito Mussolini.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Lindsay Lohan’s African Missionary

SAYS Michael Lohan of his daughter Lindsay Lohan to In Touch magazine:

Our trip next February encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India.

We also deal with helping Aids victims. She has made it clear she definitely wants to come along…

“Lindsay’s very spiritual. She has a wonderful heart, loves people and is very charitable.”

But is India ready to accept her…

Picure

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Nicola McLean Is Bigger Than Jordan’s Jordans

NICOLA will be “bigger than Jordan”.

That’s the Star’s front-page shocker as readers take in Fourth Division Wag Nicola McLean.

Nicola looks big enough already. Indeed, with her image posted on one side of the Anorak Towers’ indoor rifle range Nicola’s Jordans prove impossible target to miss.

But Nicola is ambitious to want more. Says she: “I want to go to Vegas and do topless shots on a roulette table. I’m really excited about it and hope everyone else is too.”

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Eva Longoria And Victoria Beckham: A Parody

“IT’S CRAZY HOW FUNNY SHE IS – SHE’S SO FRICKIN’ FUNNY,” says either Eva Longoria or Victoria Beckham, who are in audience with OK!” magazine.

Both might have provided the headline quote, given that they are best of best friends. On further investigation, though, it turns out that Eva is talking of Posh who is funny because she “just has that British sense of humour.”

Not that spite-filled English sense of humour that seeks out a victim to ridicule and destroy, injecting the assault with a jocular “only joking, pal” when the victim looks on the point of tears or violence.

Posh, allegedly, is possessed of that self-depricating, irony-laden British sense of humour.

Posh is, apparently, really funny. So funny is she that we would not be surprised to learn that being Victoria Beckham is all a comedy act, a merciless and clever skit on the shallowness of talentless celebrities.

And Eva has picked up the subtleties, posing with a Magnum ice cream alongside an image of her advertising Magnum ice creams. She then stands before a plate on which a lobster’s severed head languishes beside some asparagus.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1)

Kerry Katona On Max And Drugs

SAYS KERRY Katona in OK! magazine: “I DON’T HAVE TO WEAN MY BABY OFF COCAINE.”

No, that what celebrity mums’ nurses are for, say you. But you’d be wrong.

Kerry does not have to wean her baby off cocaine because her baby is going to be a star and it’s good to get a taste for narcotics early and be one step ahead of the pack.

No, that’s not it either.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1)

Winehouse’s Blaaake Teaches Pete Doherty How To Do Hard Time

PETE Doherty is behind bars. Pete Doherty is in his cell. You can come out now, kids, the world is a safer place.

Blaaaaaake, Amy Winehouse’s husband, says, via the Star, that to survive in jail Doherty, and indeed, any celebrity, should act hard and pretend they used to be a boxer.

This, says Blaaaake, will guarantee you immunity from fisticuffs – until the date of the big fight, when the local gangland legend, impressed by your tales of pugilism, has wagered a considerable sum on your beating Gripper over five rounds in the shower block.

So here’s Pete limbering up on the Sun’s front page by sniffing his fingers. Or, as the paper says, allegedly taking heroin in his cell.

Danni, the Sun’s voice of topless models, professional blondes and justice is outraged. Says she: “It’s a disgrace.”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Rupert Grint On Lindsay Lohan’s Acting

SAYS Rupert Grint, Garry Potter star, of his meeting with Lindsay Lohan:

“I met Lindsay last summer and she talked about herself a lot. She said she was going to win an Oscar before she turns 125. I just thinking, ‘But you can’t act.’”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

Men United: David Beckham And Tom Cruise Buy Football Club

A PICTURE of Victoria Beckham, aka Her Poshness, outside a florist shop.
“Mrs Becks just too Posh to push,” says the Express on its front page. Too posh to push a – he-he – “Shopping trolley”.

Indeed, gentle readers, no small shock to learn that Posh buys her own flowers and is not met each morning by a carpet of orchid petals with Day-vid stood at the foot of her bed with a bud between his lips and another tucked nearly into his thong.

But sensation upon sensation as David is said to be buying a football club with the not-in-the-least-bit-creepy Tom Cruise.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Death Wish: OJ Simpson To Star In Michael Winner’s Next Film

SAYS Michel Winners on news that his next film will feature OJ Simpson.

Says he: “He’s a very nice man for a double murderer. He came to see me about a year ago and I said to Geraldine [Winner’s lover], ‘Answer the door, dear, and if he comes to the door with a knife throw yourself in front of me.’”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Cher Chanelle Hayes Is Back On Big Brother

IF CHANELLE Hayes has proved on thing it is that Andy Warhol was wrong when he said: “In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.”

Ok, maybe not wrong, just not specific enough. When the future begins was not detailed, but it cannot come soon enough.

Know that, Big Brother alumnus Chanelle has been famous for almost a year.

Star readers can recognise her by her first name alone – a nominal fame that even the singer Cher (born Cherilyn) manufactured – and by the curve of her backside (again something Cher was forced to make up).

Both name and bum feature on the paper’s front page. And there’s a headline promise that Chanelle is “back in the BB house”.

In the house, Chanelle poses in her knickers and bra. Some would say there is little mystery with Chanelle, with it all hanging out. But no. There is much debate at Anorak Towers as to whether Chanelle removes her clothes to reveal her knickers and bra combo or walks about naked pulling on her undies when a camera approaches?

Answers on a chicken fillet to the usual address.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Jordan And Peter’s Simulated Sex Guide

IN Jordan’s and Pete Andre’s Apocrypha, the Next chapter, the couple are simulating “sex acts” in front of their children.

So says the Star which is disgusted enough to place the news on its foremost page.

Inside, and there are three more pictures of Jordan and Peter at it, engaging in rubbing, staring and suggest positioning.

Among the Taliban, say, or Carmelite nuns, this would be a guide to pre-marital sex. But in the UK it is plain sick.

Says child psychologist Dr Ruth Coppard (age 7): “Young children aren’t sexual beings and watching Mum and Dad have sex, even if it is simulated, is not appropriate. It could damage a child.”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Jennifer Aniston Adopts The Name Alex, Like Angelina Jolie’s Son

JENNIFER Aniston is to adopt a baby boy.

Forget auditioning to be the new Oliver, this is the gig any fame-hungry boy wants.
One condition, though, is that all contenders have to be called Alex.

Grazia magazine reports that Aniston has told friends that she is to adopt and likes the name Alexander. As the front-page headline says: “Jennifer to adopt a baby boy called Alex!”

Jen has, we learn, already spent $300,000 on a nursery for the son she does not yet have.
Her Beverly Hills mansion has two children’s bedrooms, a “nanny suite” and a playroom “with storage space for toys and clothes”.

The wardrobes may already be full of choice garments, all monogrammed with the initials AA – letters that invoke images of a cry for help (Alcoholics Anonymous, the Automobile Association, Adam Ant), but which now suggest hope and love.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Grazia | Comments (20)