Joan Collins On Celebrity, And Alicia Douvall’s Georgia Rules

NOT only is Joan Collins alive but she is talking to BlackBook Magazine. Says Joan:

“Our civilization has become extremely dumbed down, with shorter attention spans. All they want are sound bites. The tabloid magazines are the same every week. People has the same cover as InTouch as OK! as Us Weekly as Star magazine. They’re exactly the same! It must be 100 to 120 people you read about all the time. They are appealing to a young audience, or a rather dumb audience.”

Fresh blood is needed. So here’s glamour model Alicia Douvall talking of her 13-year-old daughter in Closer magazine:

Georgia wrote a little birthday wish-list for her 13th birthday later this month and on it was Kate Moss perfume, an iPhone and a boob job.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

James Blunt Is Set Upon My Music Lovers

NEWS in the Sun that James Blunt has broken a finger.

The paper sees Blunt “launching himself from the stage into a sea of rampaging fans” at a concert in Ashville, North Carolina.

Anorak sees it all. Blunt prepares to stage dive. The mob forms. Hands are raised invitingly. Ready to surf on a wave of love, Blunt jumps.

And at once the crowd parts. Ex-Army man Blunt is left to freefall to the ground, sans parachute.

Says he: “I don’t know what made me do it. I jumped off stage at the end and was chased by women, and men, in the crowd.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Pie Jeus, There Are Eleven Andrew Johnstons

MORE news on Andrew Johnston, the UK’s latest Pie Jesu singing sensation.

In the Mirror, readers get to hear from Andrew Johnston Senior, who says that he’s not been the best dad, hasn’t seen his boy since December, but hopes to help his namesake realise his dream of winning TV’s Britain’s Got Talent, marrying a Welsh rugby player, having a baby and dying his skin orange.

Ooops! Sorry. That’s Pie Jesu singer Charlotte Church’s career to date.
Young Andrew is his own man. Indeed. Andrew is eleven young men having been named Andrew Aaron Lewis Patrick Brannock John Grieve Michael Robert Oscar Schmidt Johnston.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Lily Allen Quote Of The Day: Knowing Me Knowing Me

LILY Allen Quote Of The Day: Chatting to me.

Says Lily Allen in the Mirror: “I am actually number one female chat show host. Davina didn’t get commissioned for a second series. But I did. Lily Allen did.”

Good news. And now that Allen’s talking about herself in third person, she will never run out of guests for her challenging show…

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Lady Heather Mills Boos And Boobs At Beauty Pageant

LADY Heather Mills has been in Las Vegas to judge Miss USA, the beauty pageant she won as Miss Idaho in 1959.

The crowd are making some noise. The crowd are booing.

Says her ladyship: “I really enjoyed myself. It was a great contest. If there was some negative reaction, what can you do?”

The question seems rhetorical as Mills soon adds: “There will always be some people like that”

But the Star is searching for an answer. It looks. It looks harder. And it concludes: “MUCCA’S WONKY BREASTS.”

The Star says Mills has a “wonky and uneven left boob”.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Mark Speight’s London Landmark, Legalise Drugs And Libby Purves

“THE ROOF WHERE TV MARK KILLED HIMSELF,” announces the Star’s front-page headline.

The Star is excited to have found the “exact spot” where children’s TV presenter Mark Speight committed suicide.

And so it is that another London landmark is unveiled. And who would not want to visit the site, take pictures, perhaps paint a picture as Speight used to on the telly. Bring the kids and make a day out of it.

But the Star is not yet finished with Mr Speight RIP. Having told us that Mark chose to hang himself at Paddington “because it reminded him of romantic weekends away with fiancée Natasha Collins” (Michael Hutchence RIP) the paper talks of drugs.

The Star says that away from the TV studio Speight and Collins, who died scalded after taking vodka and cocaine, “indulged in a Kurt Cobain lifestyle” (Cobain was the Nirvana singer who shot himself.)

It’s a waste of life. Says the Star: “Now, hands up all of those who say we should legalise drugs.”

Well, hands up at Anorak Towers. But not hands up at the Times, where Libby Purves says:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (16)

Faces Of Evil: Karen Matthews And Amy Winehouse

THE Sun has also decided that Karen Matthews looks a bit rough, and in its normal classy way it has managed to find former partners to dish the dirt.

“Ex-boyfriends yesterday revealed the full horror of Matthews’s lifestyle, which have left her looking worn and wrinkled,” the paper announces. “According to them, the mum-of-seven has knocked back cheap wine by the bottle, gorged on junk food and puffed her way through up to 60 cigarettes a day for years.”

All that knocking back and puffing reminds us of another person whose appearance is widely commented upon by the ladies and gentlemen of the press corps. We speak, of course, of Amy Winehouse.

Here at Anorak, we Comfy-Slax-wearing types rather like Amy, We like her sense of humour. We like her attitude. We like her lovely voice. We like her retro music (“Now THAT’s more like it – it’s got a tune!”) And we don’t like the ungallant way the newspapers pick on her appearance.

However, there could be a connection here between the tired appearance of both Karen and Amy. Not booze, not fags, but housework.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Andrew Johnston Eats Pie Jesu

WHEN Charlotte Church sang Pie Jesu on TV’s Big Big Talent Show, a nation wept.

We’d heard it before of course, when former Mrs Andrew Lloyd-Webber Sarah Brightman sang it; when pubescent snowman Aled Jones sang it; when Madonna sang American Pie; when every keen –to-get-along child sang it.

So here’s Andrew Johnston singing it on TV’s Britain’s Got Talent. He’s the “schoolboy who sang away the bullying bullies.” Young 13-year-old Johnston says he has been bullied for singing but will not be stopped.

And Johnston’s sympathetic backstory does end there. The Mail says he lives on a council estate…in the north of England. He lives there with his mother. His father left when he was eight-months old. “On occasion she had to feed her children on bread and milk.”

Sweet Jesus, how can this boy not win? Only a godless, child-hating swine would not vote for him to be Britain’s Most Talented Pie Jesu singer of the year.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (30)

Pete Doherty’s Bunks Up And Down In Jail

HAVING toured the nation’s courtroom as part of his study on wood panelling, Pete Doherty is now in jail.

Doherty On Bars sees the sometime popstar looking over the décor at London’s Wormwood Scrubs prison.

And as befitting his celebrity status, the Sun reassures readers that Doherty is being looked after: he has been given his own jail cell and a “bunk” with “TWO mattresses”.

The Sun seems confused. A bunk might be another world for a bed, it could even be prison slang, but a bunk bed is a device that demands two mattresses.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Madonna Throws Guy A Biscuit

PSST! Wanna hear about the bedroom goings on between a 49-year-old American woman and her middle-aged husband?

Says Madonna in the Star: “My husband went on the cookie diet and it was such a turn–off.”

Eating cookies, or biscuits as the British call them (“Gis a go on that best Brisket” – Guy Ritchie) can be a passion killer, to wit the crumbs.

But on hearing Madonna’s insight, Anorak think of one Eddo Brandes, the chubby Zimbabwean cricketer who responded to the on-field taunting of Australia’s Glenn McGrath, who asked “Why are you so fat?” by replying: “Because every time I shag your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

JK Rowling Turns To Jordan As Katie Price Sells Pirate Books

HOW does JK Rowling, Harry Potter’s creator, compete with Katie Price, she of the gargantuan Jordans and the children’s book Mermaids and Pirates?

The Express looks on as Katie pulls on a pink fishtail gown and flowing hair extensions to meet the young book buyers in Harrod’s department store.

Says Katie: “I have to be honest and say I haven’t read her Harry Potter books, but she was such a lovely lady, really elegant and glamorous and it was nice to meet her.”

As Jordan sells Pete the Pirate and Katie the Mermaid, Rowling is at the British Book Awards. And she’s doing a passable impression of La Price, as she threatens to tumble from her top.

In “JK and the one that nearly got away,” the Mail looks on as her publicist cups his hand to Rowling’s right Jordan and tucks it back in.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Ashley Cole And Cheryl Ring In The Changes

BIG news from the world of football as Chelsea’s vomitous footballer Ashley Cole is caught buying fuel and a bottle of water at a petrol station.

And that’s not all.

The Star looks at the Chelsea player and sees no sign of his wedding ring, and this on top of the news that his wife Cheryl Cole is not wearing her wedding band.

To the Star’s source it’s a sign of a rift.

But anyone versed in celebrity marriages must believe the rings are right now being burnished to a shine more brilliant than Ashley’s wedding suit, that “beige, single-breasted tailcoat suit with cream silk lapels and a cream satin tuxedo strip on the trousers”, as OK! magazine noted.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Amy Winehouse’s Shockney Knees Up

AMY Winehouse’s legs. Discuss.

The Star (“Amy in kneed of a nosh up”) says Winehouse’s knees are nobbly.

The Sun joins the debate. It points to a “strange lump” on her thighs.

The Mirror (“LAMEY WINEHOUSE”) uses a headline to suggest Winehouse is unable to talk.

The paper then identifies the Sun’s strange markings as “leg muscle”.

Of coruse, all papers are wrong. Amy is wearing flesh-toned trousers from Anorak’s range of Comfi-Cords – No.1 for angry young women!

Picture

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Eminem’s Audience With Nelson Mandela

SAYS the Sun’s Gordon Smart: “I never thought I’d see the day when EMINEM shared a stage with Nelson Mandela.”

Indeed, though young looking, Smart must have feared that at the current meet-rate of two celebrities an hour, it would take 62 years for the South African to reach the American rapper.

But now Eminem is nearing Mandela, the touching post in any celebrity’s career.

It is thought that so many celebrities have rubbed a hand over Lucky Nelson that up close the anti-apartheid leader resembles a well-polished banister.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Brendan Cole And His Lover Are The Young Ones

IT’S “CHA-CHA Charmer Brendan Cole”.

There’s Brendan on the cover of Hello! magazine.

“I’ve been in relationships before but this one is right. I’m mad about Zoe,” says the swivel-eyed (surely swivel-hipped) Strictly Come Dancing dancer.

Brendan is the “BAD BOY OF BALLROOM”. He’s a rumba lot, a cock-sure farucca

There’s a photo montage with he and Zoe featuring a horse, Brendon tucking his thumb in his jeans and Brendon staring at Zoe, madly.

In one particularly telling shot, a keeper, the shiny face of pro-celebrity ballroom tosses his head back and give a toothsome laugh.

The Anorak cannot help but think of Rick Mayall in his Young Ones pomp. Rick (“with the silent ‘P’”) was wont to throw his head back and laugh like a hyena with its testicles tucked in a steel trap.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comments (5)

It’s 1am And The Phone Is Ringing At Beckham’s House

“VICTORIA’S 1am crisis talks with David,” says the Grazia front-page headline.

What couple has not been there when the third worst phrase in marriage punctures the still, sleepy silence: “You awake?”

But Victoria Beckham, for it is she, is not nudging her Day-vid to talk about her worries but dialling his phone number.

David is also, as reported, on the blower. He’s texting his wife.

Is it a Bext?

Bext (message) (n) – An obscene text message.
 (“You should see the bext he sent me. He’s one dirty son of a bitch.”)

Source: Anorak Dictionary.

David, says Grazia is texting his wife to tell her that he’s going out.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Grazia | Comment (1)

Lindsay Lohan 18th Century Hooker

LINDSAY Lohan could be Nancy:

I came across the same phenomenon when researching an article on Sienna Miller: the 18th-century idea that young actresses are little different to common prostitutes is alive and thriving through 21st-century technology.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comment

Sarah Harding And Tom Crane: Discuss

“SARAH HARDING And TOM CRANE.”

OK! magazine begins in customary fashion, screaming the names of its star turns. Those readers taking Anorak’s GCSE in OK! Studies may look for the ensuing “Compare and contrast”, “Discuss” or “Explain”.

But none is forthcoming. “SARAH HARDING and TOM CRANE” is the whole story.

And inside the magazine we get to see them being SARAH HARDING and TOM CRANE in their converted Victoria school building.

Sat on a sofa that could fill a primary school playground, we see Sarah in a silvery dress. She is lying on Crane. Her eyes are to the camera. Crane is trying to read a book.

It’s a look slightly less natural and sinister than Robert Kilroy Silk’s tan line (if you see Robert, let us know.)

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (7)

Madonna’s Live Earth Rain Dance Works

“IF you want to save the planet I want you to start jumping up and down. Come on motherf*****,” says Madonna to her Live Earth audience.

We jump. A few jump and talk on the phone. They call the BBC and complain that the language broadcast is foul.

The Mail says that the BBC, received calls from more then 100 viewers. Ofcom says the BBC broke the rule and must apologise.

But what fo the jumping? It seems to have worked. The BBC says that the UK is facing a wet and warm summer this year.

The Express (Global warming? No it’s getting COLDER”), says the world has cooled down in recent years.

Keep jumping. It’s a motherf******* rain dance…

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment

Kerry Katona Is Weeks Ahead In The MTV Schedules

KERRY Katona, the sure-to-be face of Mash Cones, has gone in Labour five-weeks early.

As her waters broke like an exploding optic, brave Kerry was rushed to hospital, reports the Sun. There are “fears” that Kerry may be “on the brink of collapse”.

And because of this happening, Kerry’s puss-on-the-wall MTV series, Crazy in Love, is forced to finish five weeks short of its 16-week run.

Fans of the show, however, can make up for their disappointment by standing in a room and shouting into a carrier bag…

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Rosie O’Donnell Replaces Britney Spears As New Face Of Mentnal Illness

AMERICAN actress and TV presenter Rosie O’Donnell is talking about Britney Spears and mental health on Good Morning America.

She tells one and all: “I have been on anti-depressants since Columbine [the 1999 high school shooting].”

We are all victims.

But what of Britney Spears, did the school shootings trigger her tired and emotional state, or was she rocked by 9/11, Al Gore’s weather film or the last episode of Baywatch?

O’Donnell knows. Says she: “I sort of feel Britney has become the poster child (for mental illness). The kid is very young. She never had a childhood. She never rode a Big Wheel. Rather than put her face on mental illness, or Brooke Shields, who had postpartum depression, use me.”

The job’s yours.

But what about teaming up with Britney and becoming the Bi-Polar Sisters – “Celebrity Madness for the Al Goreans”..?

Pic: 14 

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (12)

Jennifer Lopez Thanks Her Little People And Tom Cruise

JENNIFER LOPEZ, aka Jenny who owns the block, has lost loadsa weight since giving birth two twins.

Running up and down the stairs all day, feeding two children, washing their clothes and keeping them in nannies sure does scorch those calories.

Says the Mail: “New mum J-Lo loses 40 pounds in four weeks with aid of gruelling workouts.”

Mums may well nod.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Headline Of The Day: Eddie Murphy’s Jimmy Choos

THAT headline in full: “EDDIE Murphy’s Ex Wife Denies A Jimmy Choo Shoe Wrecked Their Marriage”

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Pete Doherty Is Jailed

PETE Doherty, pop’s foremost fuckwit, is in jail.

Doherty has been sent down for 14 weeks for breaking the terms of a suspended sentence and not attending rehab sessions.

In “Lock And Roll,” the Stars says Doherty was jailed for “breach of time-keeping, non-compliance of his order and using different drugs”.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Beatles Legend Ringo Starr Is Decapitated

RINGO Starr has been decapitated.

Ringo Starr, the bearded Beatles fundamentalist, has had his head cut off. Its whereabouts is unknown.

Bandmates John and George are unharmed. Paul McCartney’s head, a famously moving target is also in situ.

At Liverpool South Parkway train station in Garston, where Ringo’s body remains, a station worker tells the Mail that this is the second time the Fab Four have been damaged: “Last time someone squashed Ringo’s head but this time the head has been completely cut off. Whoever did it must have come armed with cutting equipment.”

Sad.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)