Gay Men Do Alan Sugar’s The Apprentice

IT might be the pointy finger that does it, but whatever the reason the Star says “GAYS” are “SWEET” on Alan Sugar, human resources director of BBC TV’s The Apprentice.
“Apprentice sex shock for Alan,” says the paper.

Reading on we learn that while some kinkier “gays” will doubtless fancy Sugar’s bristly charms, it is his would-be apprentices who possess the allure.

It turns out that Sir Alan Sugar has become a gay hero after hiring a workstation of handsome chaps.

We’d like to chip in and say that Sugar is unlikely to have chosen the show’s agonists, all of whom are surely plucked from reality show central casting:

Nicholas de Lacy-Brown – The idiotic toff with the idiotic toff’s name has already left the show.

Raef Bjayou – The ethnic representation with a name that sounds like something uttered by an ejaculating donkey. Bjayou looks like the toilet attendant in the Bates Motel.

Lee McQueen – Best name of the bunch. McQueen should appeal to the gays.
Says Lee: “If you missed something in the earlier part of your life, you’ll find it again before your time is up.”

Old Mr Anorak The Elder once lost a stuffed brown bear only to be reunited with it seconds before his death when his son and heir pushed it on a roller skate into his room to the accompanying sound “Boo!”

Kevin Shaw – Kevin has excitable hair and the look of a Division 2 footballer. Says Kevin: “I will take no prisoners in the boardroom and will nail anyone who gets in my way.” Translation: I am fixated by crucifixion and death.

Simon Smith – Simon says: “I’m too soft at times – I fall for the little old lady factor.” Simon is the Essex boy contestant most likely to try and pull Sugar’s mother.

Michael Sophocles – A swarthy Telesales Executive sat in his pod dreaming of world domination. Get this “I am single minded and will manipulate others if necessary to get to the prize.” Translation: I can only think of one thing at a time and have no friends”

Ian Stringer – The token Celt. Ian gives the best quote of all: “There are two kinds of people in the world. Winners and… I don’t know how to spell the other word. I can’t say it…” Translation: I have a peech imthediment and am crip at speeling.”

Alex Wotherpoon – No nonsense Northerner. Says Alex: “I expect people to obey clear instructions. If this doesn’t happen I become annoyed.” You can hear the production team mouthing “You’re fired” as he entered the room.
All in all, an utterly unfanciable, unlovely bunch of l… What was it again, Ian? No, not lovers. Close. Try again…

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Magazines Banned From Airbrushing Celebrities

THE Telegraph reports that magazines could be banned from using airbrushed photographs of celebrities that make them look slimmer.

The fear is that these iamges are promoting unrealistic body images.

Says Tim: At the moment it’s actually a voluntary code of conduct that’s under discussion. And no, of course I don’t give two hoots about whether models are airbrushed or not.

But we do know that we have a government fond of the statement “if the voluntary option has failed we should look to legislation”….

The move follows criticisms by the Model Health Inquiry, which accused editors of acting irresponsibly and promoting a size-zero culture.

The report, released last September, urged the fashion industry to adopt a voluntary code on the use of computer technology to give models unrealistically perfect figures.

Thought everyone was getting cosmetic surgery?

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comment (1)

Natasha Kaplinsky Is Pregnant With News

NATASHA Kaplinsky is three months pregnant.

It’s the Mirror’s front–page news. Its might even be the lead news story on the Channel Five bulletin Kaplinsky presents.

It’s breaking news news…

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Celebrity News RoundUp

Simon Cowell sorts buys Leona Lewis a $5m mansion? – INO

Donald Trump on Heather Mills – HollyscoopMadonna is shot – WWTDD

Lindsay Lohan is a middle-aged woman in a middle-aged woman’s body – Celebwarship

Jennifer Lopez makes up – Mollygood

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Blake’s Mum Wants Him To Move Away From Amy Winehouse

AMY Winehouse’s could be appearing at a jail near you if her husband Blake Fielder-Civil is transferred to a new prison.

The Star says Blaaaaake’s mum Georgette is “desperate” for him to be transferred to a jail near her home in the Midlands so she can visit him more often.

But Amy prefers it that he remains in Pentonville Prison, north London, closer to where she lives.

Says the Star: “The jail bust-up has sparked a rift in the family.”

As the Mirror spots Winehouse “dressed up like a gangster’s moll” off to see Blake in choky, Mrs Fielder-Uncivil looks on.

Says Georgette: “We’ve asked for Blake to be moved from London so we can visit him more easily. We want him nearer the family home, even if it means Amy won’t get to see him. She’s always late for the visits anyway and is often banned from seeing him.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Kelly Osbourne Is Slapped Happy

KELLY Osbourne is in conversation with US chat show 20/20 about Kelly, Kelly and all things Kelly. Says she:

“I remember one night being woken up by my mom punching me in the back so that I started breathing again in bed, and I had pissed myself in my sleep. I’m sorry, but at 20 years old, to wake up by your mother trying to resuscitate you in a bed of your own piss, that is mortifying.”

Indeed,it’s much more the accepted thing to be slapped conscious by a Greek policeman in Faliraki.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Britney Spears Is A Call Centre PETA

HAVING criticised Britney Spears for wearing fur, PETA, the animal skin obsessives, are offering the jobbing celebrity a pen at their call centre.

Says a human spokesman for dumb animals:

“We might have criticized you in the past for contributing to the dog overpopulation crisis and wearing real fur, but perhaps now that your own crisis has abated, a new day calls for a new relationship, a new outlook, and a new understanding.”

And Britney is ready. Recently she has played a receptionist on a US TV show. And who can forget her work with headsets?

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Taxi Unfair For Paul Gascoigne

NO publication should overestimate the intelligence of its readers, and in a story on how “TROUBLED” Paul Gascoigne allegedly did a runner from a taxi fare, the paper produces a picture of a black cab.

The story is that Gazza missed a train from Newcastle to Birmingham so hailed a black cab. The trip cost £400 in the Sun, or £350 in the Mirror.

The cab’s driver, one Hanzale Aziz (named in the Mirror as Adnan Aziz), claims the former England footballer behaved “erratically” during the journey.

Says Aziz: “He asked where his wine was. He was eating bag after bag of Doritos crisps – opening them by banging his hands together so the bags burst and the crisps were going everywhere.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Skip To The Lulu For A Younger Looking You

HAVING shunned Botox in the Mail only yesterday, Lulu is now telling Daily Express readers “The Secret of Why I Look Young At 59”.

Readers should care to know that the uppermost picture is of the singer Lulu, and the lower shot is of Princess Diana, who will always be 36.

The Express is, of course, the paper of record, and resists any urge to replace the image of Lulu as is she is now with a picture of young Nicola Roberts from Girls Aloud, ageless Rock Astley or any other flame-haired singer.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Too Many A-Levels Students Failing Media Studies

THE Qualifications and Curriculum Authority says there has been a nine per cent rise in the number of successful appeals on A-level grades.

Students are given one week after their results are made known to appeal.

The Mail says “sob stories” are on the up. A Nick Seaton, part of the Campaign For Real Education, says the figures are “extremely shocking”.

Indeed, only nine percent. Given the popularity of media studies, we would expect a far higher number of sob stories, and a far higher rate of success.

Just today the Star says Paul Gascoigne is “recovering well from the hip replacement op that triggered his problems”.

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Botox And Lulu’s Arse About Face

“I’M through with Botox,” says Lulu in the Mail.

It’s time to move on. Or: “Itshgimegoomooogsooon.”

Says she, speaking through a translator: “I used to have Botox and thought it was fantastic at first… Too much of it makes your face immovable and it doesn’t actually help you look young.”

And then there is the unfortunate fact that botox sounds like “buttocks”, a coincidence that has caused many women to have a full arse graphed onto their faces.

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Keith Richards Remembers

KEITH Richards is writing his autobiography.

“I can’t even remember yesterday,” says Keith. Adding: “You have to drag things out of your memory. Some of it you don’t want to remember and others you’ve totally forgotten, so you end up trying to put your life together again.”

Luckily, most of Keith’s life seems to be same day in day out. If he can nail what he did on day one – wake up; smoke refer; be as much unlike Mick Jagger as possible; tell a journalist how not in the least bit like Mick Jagger he is; sleep – he’s cracked it.

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Perez Hilton Eats Geri Halliwell

ON the Perez Hilton website, readers can see the self-aggrandizing showbiz reporter poking fun at Shia LaBeouf’s face “pubes”, Brendan Fraser’s hair and a girl’s dress.

He then cosies up to Geri Halliwell.

Perez is the new media wannabe with the old media values of sucking up to whoever is in his company and basking in reflected glory. He’s the journalist gone native.

He’s Nigel Dempster in a fat suit.

And get a load of this picture. Hilton could eat Halliwell in one bite.

Is that a head on your shoulders, or are you just pleased to see yourself?

Anorak

Posted: 30th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Donald Sutherland On Glue And Dumb America

SAYS DONALD Sutherland:

Did you know that 54 per cent of all Americans believe that the world was created 6,000 years ago? That’s 1,000 years after the Sumerians invented glue.

Let’s bomb Sumeria!

Anorak

Posted: 30th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)

Jamie Lynn Spears’ German-Jewish Baby

JAMIE Lynn Spears, sister to Britney Spears, is pregnant at 16 to one Casey Aldridge.

On her gift registry, she has a message to her agent, the Three Wise Men and other present bringers: “THANK YOU FOR SUPPRTING US DURING THIS SPECIAL TIME.”

Pedants may well scoff and note that among Jamie’s list of “I wants” is no mention of a spelling book.

There is, however, a “Baby Einstein Neptune Ocean Environment Play Gym”. It’s the toy that connects your baby with its inner randy German-Jewish physicist. And then drowns it.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

The Independent Travels In Colour

THE Independent is leading its news agenda with news of a new Travel Magazine.

And not just any travel magazine, but a colour travel magazine, a happening emphasised by the world “colour” being written in no less then six separate colours.

Once upon a time, the world was in two colours: empire red for everywhere that mattered; blue for everywhere that was wet.

But now there are six colours. It is sensational stuff, and one imagines that even if the Indy took up the American spelling, “color”, the five colours would still dazzle its readership.

“Claudia Winkleman”, “Simon Calder”, “Madrid”, “Atlanta”, “India” boasts the Indy’s front page.

Readers may wonder if this is a calibrated scale of importance, with reality TV presenter Winkleman slightly more important to the paper’s news coverage than Mr Calder, the paper’s perky travel editor, the capital of Spain, a city in the US and the Indian sub-continent.

One wonders where other celebrity writers would fit into the scale.

Is Kerry Katona more important than Rhyl and should Lulu be placed before or after Vienna?

Much for the Indy’s staff to wrestle with…

Anorak

Posted: 29th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities | Comment (1)

The Real Homer Simpson

THE Real flesh and blood Homer Simpson…

Anorak

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism, TV & Radio | Comment

Annie Leibovitz Has LeBron James And Gisele Bundchen In King Kong Mode

VOGUE’S current cover features US basketball player LeBron James and Gisele Bundchen.

The picture is by Annie Leibovitz, the one who snapped the Queen.

It’s a homage to King Kong.

The poster is from the First World War, it picures a German as a black baboon.

Vogue says the image celebrates “athleticism”. Leibovitz hasn’t commented.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comment (1)

Pete Makes Aretha Franklin And Offer She Must Refuse

THE Queen of Soul against Peta:

Never one to shy away from controversy, PETA US has offered to pay Aretha Franklin’s $19,000 home foreclosure tax bill… on the condition that she ditches the fur for good and donates her unwanted furs to PETA US like Mariah Carey and Kim Cattrall have done in the past. I think that’s a pretty fair deal, don’t you?

Well, no…

Anorak

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Carla Bruni, Sakorzy And The Randy Tabloid Freebie

ROB Grainge writes for freebie London newspaper No.23891, The London Paper. He has interviewed Carla Bruni, Nicolas Sarkozy’s pleasure boat.

“Modelling is using the body and only the body”, says Bruni, interviews last year when she was another jobbing model-celebrity-singer.

Says Grainge: “And you have a beautiful one, I might add.”
“Thank you,” she stutters, laughing. I’m clearly a sleazebag. Professionalism is dwindling. She then compares making music to the process of attraction.

“When you’re attracted to someone, it’s hard to explain, you can say you’re attracted to this girl ’cause she is pretty, intelligent and charming…”

“You have all those qualities, Carla,” I interrupt to gush. “Thank you, I’m liking this interview very much,” she says. “You’re almost like an Italian man.”

The kind of Italian mum who pinches you goose’s your sister and lives with his mum.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)

EastEnders’ Bianca Jackson Five

THE Jackson Five are impoverished, says the Star, or not, say two of the Jacksons.

To give its readers some kind of idea of what the Jacksons now look like, the Sun has an image of one Bianca Jackson, who lives in Walford, in London’s East End.

From left to right: Colin, Michael, Joe, Jackson Pollock and Samuel L. Jackson…

Anorak

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

Vote Joanna Lumley For English Democrats

JOANNA Lumley is stading for political office.

Joanna. Lumley.

Chaps of a certain age will visualise La Lumley with that shocking 70s haircut that she sported in ‘The New Avengers’ (the last British series to be networked in the States, apparently) , others will think of her as in that dire comedy with the one of French & Saunders not married to Lenny Henry. Doubtless there are other options, but there she is in the list for the English Democrats, at #9.

It would appear that there are two Lumleys, and this one looks to be quite youthful, so I would think that either her parents refused to have a television or had a sadistic streak. Unless she changed it herself, of course.

I think it is fair to say she will not get elected this time.

Source 

Anorak

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comment

Jacksons Give Express Newspapers A Chance To Say Sorry

IT’S hard to say what Michael Jackson looks like now, but opinion formers and Jackson watchers suggest he could resemble a willowy blonde woman called Kate.

But it’s not Jackson who, as reported, is looking to insitgate legal unpleasantness against the Daily Star.

The Press Gazette reports that Jacko’s brothers Tito and Jermaine have instructed their lawyers to “take all necessary action” against the Express Newspapers title for “untrue and defamatory” allegations.

In “Jackson five hit the skids” the Star claimed that all five members of the hit band were not so financially well off. It was “another Daily Star showbiz exclusive”.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Britney Spears Plays Blanche NoBra In A Streetcar Named Desire

BRITNEY Spears is to appear on the West End stage – maybe.

Britney Spears has been offered the lead female role in the forthcoming West End production of Tennessee Williams’ A Streetcar Named Desire, it has been claimed.

The troubled star — who earlier this week helped CBS sitcom ‘How I Met Your Mother’ achieve its highest ever rating — would be following in the footsteps of actress Vivien Leigh if she decided to play the role of tragic alcoholic Blanche DuBois.

The kindness of strangers – the strangess of kinder eggs…

Source 

Anorak

Posted: 27th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

David Beckham: Farewell Golden Ball, Hello Golden Bogies

MUCH debate in the build up to David Beckham’s testimonial match in Paris over what haircut he’d go for.

This being his 100th cap, many hoped Beckham would pay homage to one of his predecessors. No golden boots and fanfare for Peter Shilton, just a light perm, some conditioner and a twirl of forefinger and thumb.

But Beckham has yet to do curlies. Indeed his depilation regime suggests a phobia against curly hair. The Shilton was a no show.

Down the list of 100-plus cap winners, and a sensible Bobby Moore side-rule-parting would have delighted the purists.

Better yet, a Bobby Charlton display of extravagance and daring. For all his 754 haircuts, Beckham has yet to take on the Charlton, a hairstyle Bobby made his own and wore atop his own crowd of glowing strawberry blond locks season in, season out.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities | Comments (15)