Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Celebrity Suicide With JK Rowling
THE Celebrity Suicide Cult – Anorak checks on the mental wellbeing of Harry Potter author JK Rowling.
Says the Sunday Times:
Rowling said her usual GP was away, and the replacement doctor sent her away. “She said, ‘If you ever feel a bit low, come and speak to the practice nurse’ and dismissed me.”
Rowling added: “We’re talking suicidal thoughts here, we’re not talking ‘I’m a little bit miserable’.
Two weeks later I had a phone call from my regular GP who had looked back over the notes . . . She called me back in and I got counselling through her.
“She absolutely saved me because I don’t think I would have had the guts to go and do it twice.”
It’s celebrity suicide – everyone’s talking about it…
Picture: The Spine
Posted: 23rd, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (4)
The ‘Horrific’ Amy Winehouse Self ‘Arm
AMY Winehouse has “a number of horrific slashes on her arm just below her Daddy’s Girl tattoo.”
So says the News of the World, looking at a few scratches on Winehouse’s left arm.
“Horrific” does not do them justice. Anorak’s medical editor Dr Ivor Coat M.R.S.A., who has never treated Winehouse, suggests the marks are the possible result of an itch, reaching through barbed wire to retrieve a football, or from pet owl (see pciture).
The NOTW speaks with Mitch Winehouse, Amy’s cab driving dad.
Looking back over his shoulder, Mitch says: “I saw the cuts and told Amy that her arm didn’t look good. But she just said, ‘It’s nothing’.”
It’s not nothing. It’s an arm, as the NOTW can exclusively reveal…
Posted: 23rd, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Lady Heather Mills, Kate McCann and Princess Diana
LADY Heather Mills is on the GMTV sofa. “It’s like what they are doing to the McCanns,” says Mills. “What are they doing persecuting that woman? Look what they did to Diana…
“I’ve had worse press than a paedophile or a murderer, and I’ve done nothing but charity for 20 years.”
The First Beatle, the woman born Miss Penny Lane, has been making news. And we must not believe her rantings. She is no peado; no Kate McCann; no Princess Diana.
To prove “Pornocchio” a liar, yesterday the Sun published on its website a picture of Lady Heather alongside an image of Raymond Horne, a convicted paedophile.
As if Mills is treated like a paedo, or worse. Pah!
No news of “monster” Horne on today’s front page.
Although the Star on Sunday does lead with: “MUCCA SEX SECRETS REVEALED” and the Sunday Mirror with: “HEATHER TRIED TO PULL ME – SHE TARGETS BARMAN AFTER £24M DEAL” – perhaps by offering him sweets and a ride in her shiny car.
And as for being like Kate McCann and Princess Diana…
Well, the Irish Independent has something to say about that:
Writes Eilis O’Hanlon: “The deeper question is: why Kate and why Heather? Why did they get it in the neck from the media?”
Well…
For Kate McCann, however, there’s no chance of closure short of a miracle. Sir Paul’s ex can do a Diana, devote herself to charitable works, and rescue her public image, but there will always be a cloud of suspicion hanging over Kate McCann.
Heather Mills is Diana, is Kate McCann is…
What the Express and its stablemates sought to do was brand her as a child killer, and that’s what she remains in many people’s eyes. Front page apologies and libel payouts can’t undo damage of that magnitude.
… being talked about in the context of an alleged infanticide…
Posted: 23rd, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Kerry Katona To Star In Jeremy Kyle: The Movie
“KERRY LIE TEST FOR MARK,” announces the News of the World’s front page.
Kerry Katona’s audition for the role of Lead Victim in Jeremy Kyle: The Movie sees the method acting reality TV star plan to make husband Mark Croft take a polygraph test after allegations he had affairs with two women.
Katona and Croft are starring in MTV series Crazy in Love, the world’s foremost mental illness reality TV show, adverts for which feature Kerry and Marc in a straight jacket.
A source close to the couple confirmed: “If Mark’s not telling the truth, he’s out.”
Out if his straight jacket…
That test in full:
KYLE: Name?
CROFT: Trisha Goddard…
Posted: 23rd, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
The Sun’s Grass, Amy Winehouse And Blaaaaake’s Drug Squeal
THE Sun’s apparent mission to have Blake Fielder Civil locked up for all time and his wife Amy Winehouse stored in some institution moves on apace.
Having broadcast a film of Winehouse “smoking deadly crack during a binge” and then demanded her arrest, the paper has been speaking to a “prison source” about Blaaaaaake.
Says the source: “Blake’s addiction is just as bad as ever and he’s bragging about how he’s been asking Amy to help him get a fix. He showed us the bank details of a known dealer inside Pentonville and said he’d asked Amy to make regular wire transfers to this guy in exchange for heroin.”
“Apparently he wanted each transfer to end in a single pound, so the dealer would know who the money came from.”
Says the Sun: “The asking price for each “wrap” is said to be £100 — four times its street value.” The smart move for any Sun-reading heroin dealer would be to get themselves locked up and make some proper money. And then try to solicit Blaaake for a customer.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 22nd, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Lady Heather Mills And Fiona’s Paul McCartney Puppet Show
“MACCA’S GAGGING FOR TELLY FORTUNE,” screams the Sun’s front-page headline.
Says Lady Heather Mills, the First Beatle, for it is she: “A person has a right to privacy when they enter a family court and this was taken away from me.”
The Sun notes the words in a statement made by Mills to GMTV, judge and jury for the institutionalised masses and stay-at-home mum on prescription medication: “Publishing this judgment is against the principle of the privacy expected within family courts. This decision appears to have been taken with disregard for my human right to privacy.”
Says the Sun:
“Heather is plotting an all-out assault on the States. Larry King doesn’t pay for interviews, so she’s keeping her powder dry for a big deal with a show like Entertainment Tonight. This time she’ll have Fiona at her side, who isn’t bound by the confidentiality agreement and will give her full opinion about the marriage.”
The plan is, apparently, for Heather to appear on US talk shows and allow her sister Fiona to spill the beans. From being famous for having a spare part, Mills will now be the spare part, with her sister sat on her knee in the manner of Spit the Dog to Mills’ Bob Carolgees.
Better yet, Fiona could sit before her American interlocutor and rub her temples, channelling Heather. To screams of “Dodi, nooooo!” and “She’s gone!” Fiona could cower, contort her hands into a crucifix and scream “Paul is dead!”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 22nd, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
When Celebrities Are Busting To Go: Kate Beckinsale’s Vagina
KATE Beckinsale wants to be known as the Hollywood woman who has a vagina. She has already talked about her Pharoah’s Tomb.
Beckinsale is not much of an actress so has hit on a way to compensate for his lack of acting nouse by talking about her vagina.
She talks about her vagina in America, where the hope is that her English accent will make her appear as the upper-class girl saying the unsayable. Say the same thing in England and she sounds like one of the girls on the night bus whose “bustin’ to shake her lettuce”.
As a guest on US TV’s ‘Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson’, Kate’s microphone pack fell out.
Said she: “I can’t believe that’s fallen out. They wanted to hook it onto the back of my knickers, but I am going commando, so they couldn’t do it! So there was nothing to hook them on so it fell out.”
Now she tells Moviefone: “I have to say, sushi freaks me out more than almost anything. At least a vagina would be warm. My publicist has literally turned a funny color and is going to go have a lie-down. He’s throwing up now, as well. I find a lot of things kind of funny and I often say what’s on my mind, and then get nine texts from all my friends going, ‘What’s the matter with you?’ But I haven’t ever made a big attempt to have any particular image. And I don’t really worry about it.”
She’s so outrageous. Where will the koocky madness end? And how long before she comes on TV smelling of stale urine and brings out her own range of perfume?
Posted: 21st, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Victoria Beckham Looks Incredible In Marc Jacobs, A La Edna Mode
VICTORIA Beckham looks Incredible in Marc Jacobs – or something from the Incredibles…
Posted: 21st, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comments (4)
Tori Spelling’s Return to Beverly Hills 90210
TORI Spelling, the plain girl who played the good looking one every fancied in Beverly Hills 90210, the TV show produced by her now late father Aaron Spelling, is thinking of making a return to acting.
She tells People magazine:
“My dad always wanted to do a new version of 90210, so I’m sure he will be beaming from above! And I’d love to somehow be a part of it. That as well would make my dad proud! I am a mom now, proud to say, but obviously too young to have a teenager, so maybe I could be one of the main character’s young stepmom. Playing the funny sex ed teacher at the high school would be funny, too, considering Donna Martin was America’s most infamous virgin.”
Or a remedial student. It’s all about suspending disbelief and pretending…
Posted: 21st, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Lady Heather Mills And The Sun’s Paedophile
WHEN Lady Heather Mills addressed the nation and compared herself to Princess Diana, Kate McCann and a paedophile, there was much scratching of heads.
Said Lady Heather:“They make up such lies. They’ve called me a whore, a golddigger, a fantasist, a liar, the most unbelievably hurtful things – and I’ve stayed quiet for my daughter…
“I’ve had worse press than a paedophile or a murderer, and I’ve done nothing but charity for 20 years.”
Many wondered is she had exaggerated or over-egged the pudding. But today the Sun’s website positions a shot of Lady Mills alongside the image of Raymond Horne, a convicted paedophile.
Look out for footage of Mills, born Penny Lane, lying in a bed with John Lennon and in conversation with Martin Bashir…
Picture: The Spine
Posted: 21st, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Lady Heather Mills Flies Economy With The Actualite
LADY Heather Mills, the First Beatle, has been awarded millions of pounds in royalties by Paul McCartney. Now read on…
Says the Sun’s on its front page: “WHERE THERE’S MUCCA THERE’S FIRST CLASS – but daughter Bea goes economy.”
Having told one and all, “Beatrice only gets £35,000 a year, so obviously she’s meant to travel B class while her father travels A class. But obviously I will pay for that”, Heather is true to her word.
Mills is paying for Bea to fly “B class” while she travels A class. The Sun, however, insists on calling her a “first-class hypocrite”.
But she is sending Bea home early with a minder and nanny in the £409 seats at the back of a Virgin jet. Mucca, 40, will fly to LA the same day for a further three weeks before jetting home alone — in a £3,348 Virgin Upper Class berth.
The Sun says that while Mills flies in luxury, Bea will be “strapped in a cheap seat”, like a terror suspect or a boozed up, aggressive holidaymaker.
It’s so upsetting that “The Sun has decided not to reveal exact details of the flights”.
The paper sensitive to the public mood and concerned that other passengers will be hurt when right-minded Sun readers in possession of surface-to-air missiles take action…
Posted: 21st, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
That Kym Marsh Coronation Street Exclusive In Full
“CORRIE’S KYM’S MARRIAGE BREAK-UP,”
It’s the Mirror’s front-page “exclusive” on the break up of Coronation Street actress Kym Ryder and her husband, the former EastEnders actor Jack Ryder.
“CORRIE’S KYM AND HUBBY SPLIT,” says the Star in its front-page “Exclusive”.
Posted: 21st, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Danielle Lloyd’s Easter Egg Cups
“DANI – Our babe’s opening her eggs early,” says the Star’s front-page headline, words illustrated by Danielle Lloyd in a swimsuit.
Danielle’s fingers are hooked into her bra cups in the manner of the Artful Dodger fingering his braces in readiness for a quick bout of “I’d Do Anything”.
Many words can be used to describe Danielle’s breasts – “unreal”, “box-fresh” and “inflate to 200lbs per square inch” – but Anorak had yet to hear them described as “eggs”.
But eggs are not enough. What kind go eggs are they?
Right Reverend Host: “I’m afraid you’ve got a bad egg, Ms. Shetty!”
The Curate: “Oh no, my Lord, I assure you! Parts of it are excellent!”
Danielle’s breasts might be chocolate eggs, specifically orange Kinder Eggs, which after a light tapping open up to reveal collectable miniatures of footballers Dani has dated.
Collect the full set of three…
Picture: The Spine
Posted: 21st, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
The Lohan Best Silent Sex Tape
“IS ‘Lohan’ sex tape the Best?” asks the Sun.
“Caught in the act … ‘Lindsay Lohan’,” runs the caption beneath the grainy shot of head.
For all the advancements in technology and cinematic know how, today’s actresses can achieve a lasting fame by appearing in images seemingly collected by a pinhole camera.
The image is thought to be of Lohan performing what tabloid newspapers call a “sex act” on Calum Best, blank-faced son to the late George Best.
It’s hard to see who it is, or isn’t. Says the Sun: “At this stage, neither party has confirmed or denied whether this is the real deal.”
It’s all smack of a return to the age of silent cinema. Looking at the image, you half expect a piano to strike up, a saxophone to luxuriate and an onscreen intertitle declare: “Scene 1: Miss Lohan Gives Mr Calum an insight into her muse”…
Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Gemma Atkinson Is The Old New New Pamela Anderson
“BRIT beauty Gemma Atkinson is… jetting to Los Angeles later this year for a series of auditions to launch her as the new Pamela Anderson,” reports the Star.
Problem is that thanks for Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck Pamela Anderson is already the new Pamela Anderson…
Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Danielle Lloyd Has A Taxi for Ashley Cole
DANIELLE Lloyd is offering Star readers a “free late–night trip home”?
And what’s more, a cab date with Dani features a free sausage and bacon breakfast bap served on a cardboard hot-plate with a sachet of sauce, as appropriate.
What more do you want after a night out of the raz?
So who’s up for it?
Ah, here comes one likely lad. What’s yer name, son?
“Cole… Ashley Cole…” Budge up, Dani…
Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Kerry Katona’s Wallpaper TV Challenge
KERRY Katona has once again leaned into the Priory Clinic’s revolving doors and moved within.
A spokesman for the face of frozen vegetables tells the Sun that her client is a “little down”.
Says a “source”: “She’s been locked away in her bedroom for days just staring at the wall – severely emotional and depressed.”
Kerry is, of course, featuring in Crazy In Love, a televised fly-on-the-wall docudrama about her life.
If you haven’t seen it, reports are that the show features Kerry sat in her bedroom for days just staring at the wall…
Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Suzanne Shaw And Jordan Are In The Thick Of It
WE like our celebrities to be a bit thick.
Sure, they make millions doing very little, but Jade Goody is an idiot, so too Jordan, Kerry Katona et al. If we can believe they are all thicker than Wayne Rooney’s neck the audience at home can feel unthreatened and better love them.
So here’s Jordan calling BBC Radio 5 Live DJ Richard Bacon Kevin. D’oh! And here’s Suzanne Shaw telling Sun readers: “I’m going to be honest. I’ve never heard either of these names before.”
Shaw, the Dancing On Ice queen, is replying to a question as to whether she prefers Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama.
“You Shaw are dumb,” says the Sun. Says her “pal”: “Suzanne can be a bit dizzy about foreign affairs.”
Thankfully, geopolitical commentary does not form a part of pro-celebrity ice dancing. But one imagines that if it did, Suzanne would bone up and offer a full and frank opinion on the US presidential race, before tripping over her feet, smiling inanely and widening her eyes.
“Oops! Silly me!”…
Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Lily Allen Quote Of The Day: Kegging And A Pull Moon
LILY Allen quote of the day, via the Sun: “It’s kegging, pulling someone’s trousers down when they least expect it.”
Kegging is also known as assault, sexually aggravated assault and Gascoign-ing…
Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Non-PC PC With Kelvin MacKenzie, Hardeep Singh Kohli And Lembit Opik
IT’S political correctness gone mad. IT’S the Non-PC PC story. It’s a literary genre in its own right.
Today Kelvin MacKenzie plays the game by listening to comedian Hardeep Singh Kohli calling LibDem MP Lembit Opik “Lemsip”.
Says MacKenizie in the Sun: “Lembit has an Estonian background and is therefore going to have an Anglo-Saxon name, in exactly the same way as Hardeep.”
Well, not exactly the same way. We are no experts on Estonian names, but Hardeep does sound more Asian in origin than Baltic.
Says MacFrenzie, who met both Hardeep and Lembit on the celebrity version of The Apprentice: “Supposing Lembit has referred to him as Hardup, then almost certainly there would have been a massive ‘race row’.”
Or not. MacKenzie says the unsayabale, Toothpik gives a watery smile and Hardeep gets a call to play Baron Hardup in Cinderella…
Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Halle Berry Names Nahla By The Book
HALLE Berry has given birth to Nahla.
A search on the internet reveals that the name is in honour of the Northern Alberta Health Libraries Association.
Mother, child and library are doing well…
Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
More Celebrity Suicides With Pete Wentz And Heather Locklear
MORE on the celebrity suicide cult, with today’s guest stars Heather Locklear and Pete Wentz.
The Enquirer reports on Locklear “SUICIDE TERROR”, which on further reading becomes “HEATHER LOCKLEAR SUICIDE RIDDLE”.
The Enquirer quotes TMZ.com – which is a bit like Paul Burrell quoting Heather Mills. It hears a call to the emergency services. The call is from Locklear’s residence, or near her home, or near a home.
A voice on the line says: “I have a patient, and I have a feeling she’s suicidal.” Locklear. It just has to be. But it isn’t. Although it could have been.
Just as Pete Wentz, an American pop star with a younger sister called Hillary has not died.
Says he: “I got in my car. I remember I was listening to Jeff Buckley doing Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” and sat there and took a bunch of [anxiety drug] Ativan in a Best Buy parking lot. And I called up my manager because I was, at that point, completely out of my head with Ativan. And I was talking to him and I was slurring my words, so he called my mom and my mom called me and she came and got me and we went to the hospital.”
Given the money at these star’s disposal, why don’t they end it all in Switzerland, a country with a liberal view on suicide? Indeed, Switzerland is a country that can engender suicidal thoughts in just about anyone, a bit like an American star’s agent…
Posted: 19th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment (1)
Lady Heather Mills And Paul McCarntey’s House Of Horrors
THE Independent reports that Howard Sounes, author of Fred & West, the tale of the serial killers, is in talks with Harper Collins to tell the story of Paul McCartney’s life.
Was the marriage that bad?
Posted: 19th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (7)
Mariah Carey’s Right To Bare Arms
CELEBRITY Quote of The Day: Mariah Carey on the right to bare arms:
“I don’t know why everyone thinks I lost 30lbs. This trainer has actually helped me reshape my arms.”
Light fingers…
Posted: 19th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Peta Has Not Time For Heather Mills
“PETA thinks Heather Mills will never again be taken seriously.”
No, not People for Ethical Treatment of Animals – Peta, the Sun’s Page 3 stunna.
“The judge’s ruling shows her up for what she really is, says Peta, who would rather go topless than wear fur…
Pic: The Spine
Posted: 19th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
