Lady Heather Mills: The First Beatle On Trial

WHEN Lady Heather Mills hatched from a phoenix egg, many knew she that young Penny Lane, as she was then known, would achieve greatness.

Princess Diana’s unforgivable envy of Lady Heather was hurtful but would not stall the girl many were already calling the First Beatle.

Today Lady Heather appears on the nation’s front pages as a beacon of what you can become if you have talent, drive and an open heart.

“LADY LIAR,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. “JUDGE SAVAGES FANTACIST HEATHER,” says the Express on its cover. “PONOCCHIO,” says the Sun.

This is the Mail’s front page “DAMNATION OF HER LADYSHIP”. The paper says Heather’s reputation is “shredded”.

It all depends, of course, on what Heather’s reputation once was and is. “Judge accuses her of blatant make believe,” says the Mail.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Inside Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch

INSIDE Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch with photographer Jonathan Haeber…

Anorak

Posted: 19th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism | Comments (2)

Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Britney Spears’ Knicker Check

JAMIE SPEARS is father to Britney Spears:

Jamie makes sure to ask Britney if she has underwear on before she goes out.

Brit’s assistant also makes sure she’s wearing a bra and panties, Britney tries to ignore their requests, but her dad is adamant and insists she change if she’s falling out of her top.

How does he know about the knickers?

Picture: 14 

Anorak

Posted: 18th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Dog Day Afternoons For Coco And Merlin

AS is the way of such thing, Eliot Pauline Styler Sumner, daughter to popstar Sting and wide Trudie Styler, is to becoming a model.

She is to star in new campaign for chavtastic brand Burberry alongside Bryan Ferry’s son Merlin.

The Mail says she is also at the centre of a “bidding war” to sign her up as a singer.

Life is good for multi-talented Eliot Pauline Styler Sumner, who we are told answers to the name Coco.

Indeed, dear reader, it would seem the world of celebrity is run along similar lines to Crufts, with the sons and daughters of pedigree dogs and bitches competing in various classes under pet names.

Look out for Coco advertising products for shiny hair, nutritious food, and being mated with the aforesaid Merlin…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Water Show As Lady Heather Mills’s Baptism Fiona Shackleton

LADY Heather Mills is the star of “Mucca chucksa cuppa water over Macca’s lawyer Shacka.”

So says the Sun on its front page. Or as the Mirror has it: “WET IT BE.”

Lady Heather Mills, The First Beatle, Goes Bea Class

With the unpleasantries over, Lady Heather is said have picked up a glass of water and tossed it over Paul’s lawyer, one Fiona Shackleton.

Heather, patron saint of get-along mums, says Shackleton has been “baptised in court”. With Mother Theresa now passed over, the world looks to the woman the nun most envied, Lady Heather, for spiritual guidance.

But what of Shackleton, the woman whom the Times says saved her client about £100million?

Anorak

Posted: 18th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (22)

David Beckham’s Death And Life By Numbers

DAVID Beckham has a new tattoo.
It’s a swirl of letters that is said to mean: “Death and life have determined appointments. Riches and honour depend upon heaven.”

Had Beckham been born with such a birthmark, we would look on him in awe, wrapt in his heavenly majesty. Instead, we look on whim with…

But Beckham is of flesh and blood and looking at the swirling pattern, what an insider terms the “brush-stroke effect” (Chinese italics) we wonder if this new motto is masking a blemish, a broken vein or an enlarged pore?

It might be that as Beckham ages he becomes more coloured in, veins turned into vapours of mystic force, stretch marks morphed into the The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock?

You don’t so much look at Beckham as study him – which is unusual for a man who has said how much he hates reading…

Picture: The Spine 

Anorak

Posted: 18th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

The Changing Face Of Patrick Swayze

CORRECTION: “In What Does Patrick Swayze Fear Most”, Anorak used then and now pictures of the ill star.

Many readers have pointed out that at least one of the images is of Swayze’s fellow actor Kurt Russell.

We apologise for any offence caused and show the image as it should be…

– Ed

Anorak

Posted: 18th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (16)

Lady Heather Mills, The First Beatle, Goes Bea Class

FORMER Beatle Paul McCartney will give his ex-wife Lady Heather Mills, aka the First Beatle, a divorce settlement of £24.3 million.

Mills gets £16.5 million plus the assets she currently holds worth £7.8 million.

SAYS SHE ON HER CHILD’S ALLOWANCE: “But Beatrice only gets £35,000 pounds ($75,350) a year. And so she obviously is meant to travel B class while her father travels A class – but obviously I will pay for that.

“£35,000 pounds doesn’t include her (Beatrice’s) school fees. He wants her to fly five times a year on holiday – £32,000 for two people on return fares, it costs, so that’s obviously not meant to happen any more for her. It’s very sad.”

“Basically Paul has always wanted Beatrice to go to a… private school… It’s the school that Paul chose. So in that way he’s got everything that he wanted. But that’s what happens with powerful people.”

So says Lady Heather Mills, aka Eleanor Rigby, aka The First Beatle, aka Penny Lane…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money | Comments (26)

Ryan Seacret Apparently In Details

RYAN Seacrest is the host of American Idol, the TV talent show.

That’s him on the right. And, apparently, that’s him on the left.

Of course, this is all part of being a celebrity.

In Ebony magazine, we’d expect to see Ryan with darker, curlier hair, more gererous lips and the complexion of a frappucchino. The cover of Swine Practicioner has Ryan with a porcine nose and pinker skin.

And so on…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism, TV & Radio | Comment

I’d Do Anything: Graham Norton Is Back for More

“I’D Do Anything”, the BBC’s new search for a star show, has a title that echoes the words of many casting couch auditions.

It is hosted by Graham Norton, who one imagines would do anything to be on the telly.

Norton came to the Beeb via Channel 4, where his eponymous chatshow featured steamy websites, sex toys and an adolescent probing of his guests to say something “naughty”.

“I’d do Anything…Ooer Missus, You Dirty Girl” is the title of this his latest title.

Each mention of the phrase “I’d Do Anything” should be given a visual full stop by the cameras panning to Norton who purses his lips, clutches his hands to his cheeks and forms his mouth into a perfect ‘O’.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment

Lisa Marie Presley Joins The Hollywood Twin Trend

THE fashion for twins is taking Hollywood by storm.

Julia Roberts and Jennifer Lopez have issued double acts, and now Lisa Marie Presley joins the group.

US magazine says Lisa Marie is carrying not one but two babies.

The good news for twinless mums is that Anorak’s UltraSound Database is almost fully operational.

Any parent, guardian or agent to a two ft 1in child with flame red hair and the look of a young Elizabeth Walton should contact us about hiring her child’s ‘twin’.

In the meanwhile, we urge worried parents of non-twins to tell friends and relatives that the other twin is at an audition and that the two are never seen together because they are so busy with their branding team.

It worked for Lisa Marie’s former husband Michael and Janet Jackson. And it might just work for you…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Valentine Warner Tells You What To Eat Now

MEET Valentine Warner, the man the Mirror heard called the “Russell Brand of the kitchen”.

Warner is the new face of the BBC celebrity chef series What To Eat Now, in which a TV chef places his food before the nation and tells them they must eat it all up or else they can’t go out and play.

But would you want to eat food prepared by man so dubbed? This is Brand, the priapic BBC presenter with the backcombed hair, author of the masturbatory memoir My Booky Wook.

That’s him serving you your TV dinner…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Win A Date With Big Brother’s Chanelle Hayes

In “CHANELLE” I need a man and it could be YOU”, Big Brother starlet Chanelle Hayes advertises herself on the Star’s front page.

To win Chanelle, readers are invited to answer not one, not two, but three questions.

Anorak put the questions to the typing pool and accounts team, and now features the top answers for each.

Can you do better? Answers go towards a GCSE in Big Brother Studies:

Q1. My perfume’s called Mwah!. If you were a perfume what would you be called and why?

A. Forgotten. One squirt of Forgotten and you struggle to remember whatshername from Big Brother. Also available in a men’s fragrance and room deodoriser.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

EastEnders Star Writes Her Own Scripts

SAYS Lacey Turner, EastEnders’ hard-faced harridan Stacey Slater: “I think a lot find me intimidating… The ones you want to talk to don’t come over – but you get the drunk ones who burp in your ear.”

And the EastEnders’ scriptwriters take notes…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

DIY With Heather Mills McCartney

“MILLS is DIY icon.”

So says the Star, which illustrates its scoop with a picture of Lady Heather Mills, described as “feisty”.

This DIY, or ‘die’ as it is pronounced, could mark a new career for Heather Mills, and surely a presenting job on Celebrity Shelving With Heather looms large.

And then there is the spin-off show Celebrity Divorce With Heather in which Mills helps estranged spouses do it for themselves.

The Star says that many of us are inspired by Heather and more than 70% of estranged spouses are now more willing to represent themselves in divorce court.

Of course, in helping the estranged, Heather removes the “Y” from the “DIY”, leaving just the DI, or Do It.

And Do It With Heather Mills is a show some of us may have already seen, allegedly…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Rutlemania Hits LA

WRITES TB: Thirty years on, Rutlemania is real. We got to sit in last night on a well-attended dress rehearsal of the multimedia concert/stage show that takes the audience through the story of the Prefab Four, as written and directed by comedy and Monty Python legend Eric Idle, set to a truly timeless soundtrack by The Seventh Python, Neil Innes.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Sian Lloyd And Lembit Opik’s Ill Wind

IN “My relationship with oddball MP Lembit Opik, and why I’m glad it’s over”, Sian Lloyd tells the Mail on Sunday that she has move on.

Lembik Opik is now entwined with a Cheeky Girl.

Readers who want to know how Sian has moved on can read A Funny Kind Of Love, by Sian Lloyd.

In this extract, Sian recalls Opik telling her about a paragliding accident he’d been in. She recalls his words to her: “The wind just went flat and the chute had deflated into a rag. I dropped 80ft, fell like a rock. I broke my back in 12 places. Then my ribs, sternum, jaw, and I lost four teeth.”

Sian listens. She looks. “I wondered if that explained his slightly twisted but interesting face.”

The wind changed. And Lembit stayed like that. If only Opik had met Sian earlier, she could have warned him what weather lay in store. But this is not about looking back. This is about Sian moving on.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Tom Cruise’s ‘Prison’ For Katie Holmes And The Scientology Birthday Video

JOURNEY with us to the home of Tom Cruise and his not-that-much-taller-if-you-squint wife Katie Holmes. The home is to be modernised with space age technology:

Says a source: “There will be codes and devices that only Tom will have the secret information to operate. Katie, who led a carefree life before she met Tom, says it’ll be like a prison. Every move she makes inside or outside their house will be recorded. she says she’ll feel as though there is no escape from Tom’s controlling ways. You can escape the eyes of another person by going to a different part of the house. But [Katie] knows she can’t escape the roving eyes of the cameras that are constantly sweeping the house.”

Anorak

Posted: 15th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)

The Living La Vida Lohan Loco Hour, With Dina And Michael

TABLOID Baby looks at the Lindsay Lohan, and how her father Michael Lohan says the Dina’s show, the one featuring his ex-wife on E1, is “fighting mad, and charging larceny of the concept… and title”.

Michael emails Anorak’s man high in the Hollywood Hills:

“Dina took our entire concept and used it….Including the name. Ours was ‘Living with the Lohans’….hers is “Living Lohan”. How creative!!!! [exclamation bank withdrawal.)

“I spoke to Dominic (Barbara), Ben (Petrofsky), Barry Gross and John Di Mascio, all attornies, and every one confirms that I pitched the exact same show to Dina back in 2004. It was even in the press when Dina and her bodyguard (Ty Dux) leaked it out and even said, what a stupid idea it was. IT IS OUR INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY! I believe that you even said that you pitched it to Bunim and Murray. You should do a whole piece on this…”

You may wonder how you can steal a show about being yourself in front of the camera?

Anorak

Posted: 15th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Heather Mills And The Sums Of Her Parts

LADY HEATHER MILLS is to get about £25million in her divorce from Paul McCartney.

The Sun says: “But it will still make one-legged Mucca one of Britain’s richest women – and gives her more than £6million for every year of their marriage.

The Express looks at the figures: “But a source closely connected to the case claimed she will receive roughly £4million for every year of the marriage.”

The Telegraph does some, sums: “The reported payout amounts to almost £4 million for every year that the Beatle was in a relationship with the former model.”

Such are the facts…

Anorak

Posted: 15th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Sienna Miller On The Raped And Pillaged Welsh

FOLLOWING pictures of Sienna Miller cuddling her Welsh boyfriend, Rhys Ifans, she tells “pals” in the Mirror: “I love Wales. I think it is the most beautiful country in the world and the people were just gracious and lovely considering they have been raped and pillaged by the English for so long.”

Good that she can redress the pain…

Anorak

Posted: 14th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Shaun Ryder’s Happy Monday For Darling’s Black Monday

SHAUN Ryder giving his Budget verdict.

In “Alistair Darling what a tw*t”, Ryder, whose Happy Mondays band provided a 1980s antidote to Black Monday, tells fiscally minded Daily Sport readers:

Darling is “one of those people who hasn’t just got a face you want to punch, he’s got a name you want to punch as well.”

It’s a double whammy.

“I hate Chancellors…Ok, Tony Blair might have invaded Iraq and Afghanistan, been embroiled in the alleged cash for honours affirm and changed politics for spin. But Gordon Brown was that c*** who out 9p on a packet of fags.”

Anorak

Posted: 14th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Politicians | Comment (1)

Higghe Times For AmyWinehouse’s Dress

PSST! Wanna buy the dress Amy Winehouse wore on ther Grammys performance?

The outfit is being sold on an eBuy for £1,950.

But news just in is that the dress has bene bought. the pucrchsers name?

A Ms Higghe…

Anorak

Posted: 14th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

The Bruce Springsteen Murder

“I MEAN who in the hell doesn’t like Bruce Springsteen, for God’s sake?” asks Karen Lee Cooper.

The question is turns out is rhetorical as Karen concludes: “I just picked up the knife and I went ‘boom’.”

The question might be: “I mean who in the hell doesn’t like Bruce Springsteen enough to kill him?” Murder is the ultimate fan tribute, the sacrifice that entwines singer with their No.1 fan for all time.

“Springsteen, Bruce,” say the books of record, “killed by Cooper, Karen Lee by exploding knife.” You’ll be a pub quiz answer before the ambulance arrives. No Springsteen fan will be able to pick up a knife without hearing a small explosion in their heads.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

What Does Patrick Swayze Fear Most?

PATRICK Swayze has cancer. The Mirror shows its readers a picture of Swayze smoking a cigarette. “SO SAD SWAYZE,” says the headline.

In the list of things to fear, cancer is right up there. A poll of the Anorak typing poll revels the things we’ fear most:

5. Burning
4. Being trapped inside an unbreakable greenhouse with only the collected works of Paul Burrell for company
3. Being trapped inside an unbreakable greenhouse with Paul Burrell for company
2. Cancer
1. Losing all facial features in a collision with Anthea Turner’s flymo

But Anthea Turner’s lawn is not in its summer bloom. So Swayze it is. Says the Mirror: “Cig in mouth, the Dirty Dancing heart-throb is ravaged by cancer.”

Swayze is “DANCING WITH DEATH”. His partner is Big C.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (31)