Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
The Super Size Series Of Celebrity Sex Dolls: The J-Ho
PIPED Dream brings to market a range of inflatable rubber dolls based on celebrities like Jennifer Lopez (J-Ho) and Sarah Jessica Parker (Sara Jessica Porkher).
Old Mr Anorak has yet to place his orders, but given his asthma we’d advise moving past the Lopez doll and saving his puff on the skinnier and more deflated Parker effigy. If may not even require inflating.
The other interesting thing is that the doll range includes a Pamela Anderson tribute, which can easily be mistaken for the genuine article, and may be the genuine article…
If you want to see what J-Ho looks like inflated and out of the box, click to read on…
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Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)
Britney Spears’ £2million Dubai Sand Dance
BRITNEY Spears will now dance for you.
To the Two Million Pound A Pint Bar in Dubai, where Britney Spears is performing an “erotic dance for the Arabs”, or “leering sheikhs”.
The assignment is at the behest of “Pakistani-British immigrant Sheeraz Hasan, who founded Spears-tastic pap-arazzi agency Hollywood.tv with the backing of investors for His Highness of Dubai”.
It was business that came out of an epiphany. Hasan was on his hajj to Mecca. He stopped for a bottle of water. He saw a newspaper. One it was cover of was a picture of Britney.
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Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Sienna Miller Pipes Rhys Ifans Aboard
“THERE SHE BLOWS,” toots the Star’s front-page headline, looking on as Sienna Miller pipes Rhys Ifans aboard a boat.
This may be part of Miller’s new diet. There may even be a workout DVD in the pipeline.
Says the Mirror: “Happy and relaxed, Sienna Miller frolics in the sea and snogs boyfriend Rhys Ifans on holiday in Mexico.” The paper notes that the pair “cuddled”.
The Mirror is a family newspaper, ignoring the X-rated, sticking to the more family-focused lead news of racing from Cheltenham and “SUICIDE COP’S SECRET LOVERS”.
The Sun just stares. “Didn’t think I’d ever be Sienna bum,” says the paper’s Gordon Smart, who has now lived the dream.
He then shows his readers a letter signed by Rhys Ifans.
It’s lovely isn’t it. Sienna’s got lovely valleys, she has. Not a bad bum either.
A lot of fellas are saying how can a fat bloke like me pull Sienna. Very ’arsh. That don’t makes no sense. I’m a sex machine me – just look at that six-pack.
I reckon she’s fair game, she is. When she’s finished her John Grisham book I’m going to tries and snog ’er – you knows what I’m saying.
That detail on the Grisham book makes us wonder if this might be Smart’s stab at parody. But then we see the pictures and see the John Grisham book lying by Ifans’ side.
Could that letter really be from Rhys Ifans? In the context of Gordon’s Smart’s column, it would make more sense if it were. Because if you believe it is all true, you can believe someone like Smart exists.
And that the Sun has bothered to make him up…
Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Psychic Sally Sees EastEnders
OK! Magazine’s “PSYCHIC SALLY” is in conversation with EastEnders’ Joe Swash.
Dim the lights…
Sally: You play your character in EastEnders relly well, as as far as the public is concerned, you are Mickey. But you have a burning need to do something else. Would I be right?
Joe: Yes, you would be.
As reported on Anorak on February 25, Joe has been written out of the EastEnders cast.
Spooky…
Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK!, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Madonna On Panic Attacks
MADONNA in Dazed And Confused. Stop breathing her air:
“I have moments where I feel incredibly invincible and know that I have the audience in my hand — I know that everything is absolutely perfect. And then I have panic attacks where I feel like everyone is breathing my air and I cannot live up to everybody’s expectations and I might just die on stage.
I normally try to turn my back to the audience, take a deep breath and remind myself that it’s all temporary. I’m not worried about fucking up — I really have a panic attack that everyone else is breathing my air. It’s hard to describe.
When you have panic attacks you cannot rationalise them. Obviously there’s enough oxygen for me but it never happens outdoors, it’s normally in indoor sports arenas that feel very close when suddenly I feel claustrophobic. It’s not a fear of performing.”
No. It’s a fear of you breathing her air…
Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Geri Halliwell And The Last Thing You Hear
JESSICA Knight is in a coma. Things look bad. Then Geri Halliwell appears. Geri sings:
“Geri sang a couple of lines of one of their songs and Jessica started moving her arms and legs. It was amazing. We were all in fits of giggles because we were so relieved and it was just so funny seeing her legs move to Geri’s singing. The next day, she opened her eyes for the first time.
Geri Halliwell sings. Your legs start moving. Faster. Faster. Faster.
There are times when the joke seems to obvious. We’ll set them up, you hammer them in.
Anorak wonders what the last song you’d ever want to hear is?
We are minded of the scene in Touching the Void when the stricken climber, Joe Simpson, is unable to rid his head of the song “There’s a Brown Girl in the Ring” by Boney M. “Christ,” says Simpson via voiceover, “I’m going to die to bloody Boney M!”
What did Halliwell sing? And what would you least like your last song to be…
Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Paul McCartney On Peta: Fish Is Murder
SAYS Paul McCartney for Peta:
“Many years ago, I was fishing and as I was reeling in the poor fish, I realised, ‘I am killing him – all for the passing pleasure it brings me.’
“And something inside me clicked. I realised as I watched him fight for breath, that his life was as important to him as mine is to me.”
He then offers: “I am Paul McCartney, and I am a vegetarian.”
Vegetarians Anonymous offers a 12-step programme, beginning with crab sticks and working up to stuffed trotter a la mode…
Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
Ivanka Trump: A Correction
THE STORY: As reported, Ivanka sends an assistant to New York Madame Tussaud’s to touch up the nail polish on the wax likeness.
“She sends someone to change the Ivanka wax figure’s nail colour every week or so,” says an insider.
Today’s email exchange:
Hi Paul,
Hope you’re well. Please find below a statement from Madame Tussauds New York regarding the Ivanka wax figure story.
Best,
Kimberly
Statement From Madame Tussauds New York:
“Madame Tussauds New York would like to set the record straight. On Friday, the Daily News called and was inadvertently given incorrect information by a Tussauds employee. Unfortunately, the employee thought the Daily News was asking about a different figure. Madame Tussauds New York does not in fact have a figure of Ivanka Trump… yet. We apologize for the confusion. Madame Tussauds loves the Trumps and is very proud of its figures of Donald and Ivana Trump, as well as its more than 200 lifelike figures.”
Anorak: Who was the effigy of, then?
K: Ivana Trump.
Anorak: It gets better…
Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Kerry Katona
KERRY Katona in her OK! column:
“They’re making news out of nothing and it’s doing my head in.”
More of her customary insight next week…
Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (2)
Hulk Hogan Wrestles With His Mistress’s Baby
“HULK HOGAN LOVE CHILD SCANDAL,” screams the National Enquirer from its front page.
Hogan is the bald, neon fringed, varnished skinned, 6ft 5in, wrinkle-proof pro-wrestler-turned actor. You’d imagine that any child Hulk sired would be easy to spot.
It turns out that Christiane Plante, mistress to the Hulk, and his daughter Brooke’s “best pal”, is not pregnant, but Hulk would like her to be.
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Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment
Jennifer Aniston Picks Paris Hilton And Angelina Jolie for Slasher Flick
JENNIFER Aniston is the Express’s front-page blonde du jour.
“Has Jennifer found love at long last?” asks the paper?
The matter is debated across two pages within.
Jennifer Aniston is pictured with actor Owen Wilson. It turns out that they are stood on a beach and – get this – appearing in a new film together.
Aniston has already appeared in the movie The Break Up, in which she met and romanced her co-star Vince Vaughn. They then – shock of shocks – broke up.
It is life mirroring art.
And while the Express wonders if Aniston has fallen for Owen, we cannot help but wonder at her next film, the slasher flick Hollywood Death Row, staring Aniston as a serial killer alongside Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Angelina Jolie and the cast of Desperate Housewives…
Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
The Smell of Victoria Beckham’s Sweat
SAYS Victoria Beckham at the launch of her latest scent:
“This is a real passion of mine. People think all I do is go shopping like a miserable cow, but, in an actual fact, I work bloody hard.”
She needs to. As Posh says: “I’m not doing a Britney Spears and just putting my name on something and saying: ‘Sell this perfume.’”
Indeed not. Victoria puts more than little of herself into each vial of her branded scent.
Hard graft is needed to mine her sweat for each bottle…
Picture: 14
Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
Guess The Artiste
THIS is a still for a new pop video. But who is the two-dimensional singer?
a) Madonna
b) Britney Spears
c) Debbie Harry
d) Lulu
e) Will Young
Answer after the break…
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Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism, Tabloids | Comment
Chantelle And Jordan: When Chests Go Wild
“CHANTELLE can’t control her chest,” says the Sun’s Gordon Smart.
It’s following her around the room. It’s got a mind of its own. It cannot be contained. What can Chantelle Houghton do?
Jordan knows. Says she: “Chantelle isn’t me. She was really nice in Celebrity Big Brother but she should have stuck with her true self. She’s never going to do all of what I do. I’ve been there, done it and bought the T-shirts, with the boobs packed in.”
Those gargantuan Jordans come with a free T-shirt? We look again at the Sun’s picture of the enhanced Chantelle Hayes spilling out a dress. Her breasts running amuck.
She’s got the breasts. But – fool of fools – she’s taken them out of the wrapping.
Someone fetch her a T-shirt.
Quick…
Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Justin Timberlake On Madonna
MADONNA is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Says Justin Timberlake, introducing her on stage:
The world has always been full of Madonna wannabes and I might have even dated a couple.”
He goes on: “She has still found time to kiss someone I may or may not have publicly kissed myself while I was in the audience.
Of course you know I was talking about Sean Penn.“
Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
How To Kill Keith Richards
SAYS Keith Richards – he who cannot be killed by conventional weapons – of his Bible reading, via the Daily Star:
“I read it sometimes, but it bores me to death.”
Which is why the Good Book is so often found in the hands of the dearly departed.
Keith should stick to watching the snooker…
Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Britney Spears On How I Met Your Mother
BRITNEY Spears has only limited access to her two children.
Cue the Sun: “Britney Spears is set to make a small guest appearance on US show How I Met Your Mother.”
In a lawyer’s office between 2:30 and 3:30 every other Wednesday…
Pic: 14
Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Perez Hilton Edits The Daily Mail: New Celine Dion Video
MORE evidence that the Daily Mail is edited by Perez Hilton in the unlikely shape of Celine Dion’s thighs.
Hair-raising: Celine Dion takes to the stage with furry legs
Says the bitchy Perez Hilton: Wow! Those are some HAIRY legs!”
Says the Daily Mail, paper of record (Click the image): “Her face had been carefully made up, nails polished and outfit primped just so, but Celine Dion forgot one important thing before performing in Toyko over the weekend.
It appeared the My Heart Will Go On singer had forgotten to wax her legs, with severe back lighting revealing their rather hairy state as she strutted around the stage.”
As Anorak’s source in the US
Celine Dion in her latest video:
Picture and additional words: 14
Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
No Sex Please, We’re Cheryl And Ashley Cole
CHERYL Cole and her footballer, Ashley Cole, are reconciled.
They will not be divorced. Reconciliation keeps the tabloid plot going. What can you say about a celebrity divorce?
In “VEGAS: MY WIFE FROM HELL” The Star leads with news that “comic” Jonny Vegas is divorced from his “drunk, bullying, nagging missus”.
Vegas is famous for watching TV with a stuffed monkey in an advert for watching the TV.
Now Vegas is in the tabloids. He is “famed for his loud, hard-drinking image”. He “told a court he left Kitty Donnelly after she was ‘aggressive and abusive’”.
And that’s it. Other than the “missus” telling the Mail or the Express of “My Hell With TV’s Monkey” the story ends.
But reconciliation brings with it the promise of more sensation.
“Cheating Ashley gets a sex ban,” screams the Sun. And, no, not a ban on his having sex with Aimee Walton or a thrusting glamour model. Ashley is banned from having sex with Cheryl.
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Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Jeremy Clarkson Says Amin A Hurry On The M40
JEREMY Clarkson is making news.
“Top Gear Clarkson hurtles down the M40..on mobile.”
Can this be one of those zany stunts where Clarkson and his Top Gear team find a new way to get somewhere: James May (“I’m On The Lash”) is drunk on a turbo-charged shopping trolley; Richard Hammond (“I’m On The Train”) makes the journey on pubic transport; and Clarkson (“I’m On The Phone”) is taped to a powered-up Nockia 210e.
But Clarkson is in a car. In “BERK IN A MERC” the Mirror’s front-page news is that Jeremy Clarkson is driving on the road while using a car.
(Please refer to Anorak’s exclamation mark bin and sprinkle liberally.)
This is the “Top Gear star’s illegal moment of madness on the M40”.
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Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
That Amy Winehouse Sex Video
THAT Amy Winehsoue Sex Video…
Amy Winehouse getting interviewed by Blake Fielder-Civil, at her photoshoot with Terry Richardson, for Spin Magazine.
The new Helen Shapiro…
Posted: 10th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Robbie Williams Is In The Celebrity X Files
SAYS Robbie Williams, the UN Ambassador emeritus: “Seriously, I want to go out and investigate these things. I’m stopping being a pop star and becoming a full-time ufologist.”
No, not a urologist.
Although, if the UN is to rid the planet of non-compliant celebritities…
Posted: 10th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)
Touching Up Ivanka Trump In Madame Tussaud’s
DONALD Trump’s daughter is called Ivanka. In a British school she’d have been called something else.
Ivanka is, naturally, a model. As with many Sados (Sons and daughter of stars) the male star’s female progeny inherit a challenging male look and make it appear “edgy”, sexy” and, as it says here in the press release, “individualistic”.
Any daughter of Donald Trump, he of the tsunami hair, may consider her look to be a one off.
But it’s not. As reported, Ivanka sends an assistant to New York Madame Tussaud’s to touch up the nail polish on the wax likeness.
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Posted: 10th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Sanjaya Performs At Bat Mitzvah
Sanjaya Performs At Long Island Bat Mitzvah…
Posted: 10th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Celebrity Charity Cases, Starring Leona Lewis
WHAT would celebrities do without Africa and charity?
Charity worked wonders for Mother Theresa, giving her a lasting fame. And it can work wonders for you.
If Lady Macbeth were around today, she’d be fronting a campaign for more exercise books in Rwandan schools, teenage acne and organic detergent.
No need to buy one of Jimmy Savile’s old tracksuits from a charity shop, or give money, not when a flight to Africa is so cheep, and the poor so available.
So here’s TV singer Leona Lewis in Africa.
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Posted: 10th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
