Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
The New York Times Is Copulating With Matt Damon And Sarah Silverman
JIMMY Kimmel and Sarah Silverman are engaged in a “fucking” video war.
Silverman has been “I’m Fucking Matt Damon“. Kimmelis says “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck“.
Ms. Silverman is Mr. Kimmel’s longtime girlfriend. They may have endured sexual relations.
The video-off has reached the attention of the New York Times. In “Late-Night TV Satires Become Online Hits”, writer Edward Wyatt is faced with explaining the videos without mentioning much about their content.
(As of Tuesday afternoon, the four-minute video had been viewed more than two million times on YouTube. It has also been prominently displayed on the broadcast network’s home page, ABC.com.)
Silverman “confesses that she has been sleeping with Matt Damon”.
Then: “After Ms. Silverman revealed that she was hooking up with Mr. Damon — everywhere, it seemed, and all the time — Mr. Kimmel vowed to take his revenge.”
And: “Most of the lyrics of Mr. Kimmel’s and Ms. Silverman’s songs are too graphic to be repeated here. One vulgar word describing the coital relations between, on the one bed, Ms. Silverman and Mr. Damon, and on the other, Mr. Kimmel and Mr. Affleck, was repeatedly bleeped out for the broadcast of each video.”
In the UK press the word fucking would become, with the strike of graphic wizardry and no small cunning, a coded f*cking. But the NY Times is above such things. As such, Wyatt is f*cked.
“The video also includes pictures of Ms. Silverman with vulgar insults scrawled across them — again, words that cannot be reprinted here and, presumably, would not appear on most Web sites affiliated with ABC’s corporate parent, the Walt Disney Company.”
Which is not fucking Matt Damon…
Posted: 27th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Tabloid Or Fictoid:Gnomeo And Juliet
TABLOID or Fictoid. Is this a real story in today’s papers? Play along:
“Sir Elton John’s film-making civil partner, David Furnish, says he’s producing a film based on Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. It’ll be called Gnomeo and Juliet, an animated work featuring the world’s greatest love story and garden gnomes.”
Tabloid or Fictoid? Answer after the jump…
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 27th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Lily Allen Quote Of The Day: Asleep On The Job
LILY Allen Quote of the day, as told by the Mirror’s Jenna Sloan.
Over two pages, Ms Sloan says no-one is watching Lily Allen’s BBC3 chat show.
Heeeeeerrre’s Lily.
“Seventeen per cent of us have fallen asleep during sex,” says Lily, “I certainly have.”
More Lily Allen thoughts soon…
Posted: 27th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
3am Girls Enjoy Sienna Miller And Rhys Ifans In-Flight Entertainment
PROFESSIONAL girlfriend Sienna Miller is pictured on the cover of the Mirror in the company of a grinning Rhys Ifans.
“IN BED AT 37,000FT,” comes the headline. “Sienna and Rhys’s amazing jet antics.”
Inside and: “Sienna revels in a flight of passion. WE SEE HER FROLIC IN 33in BED ON PLANE WITH RHYS.”
And so we find ourselves aboard a flight from Los Angeles to London. The paper’s 3am Girls, Clemmie Moodie and Danielle Lawler, are sat a few seats away from Miller and Ifans. The voyeurs look on as Ifans removes his top and jumps “giggling” into Miller’s bed.
A few seats to one side is James McAvoy. He is reading a sudoku book, possibly researching a new film on the life and times of Chris Sudoku, the Most Boring Man In London (1822-1898). Or else he is trying to fall asleep.
The 3am Girls are all eyes and ears. They hear “slurping and squelching”. They see “tongues a go-go”. There is “hair-stroking”, “nibbling” and whispers. Dinner is a “tomato and mozzarella soup, beef stroganoff and roast chicken”.
Such is the of things among the new “Upper Class”…
Posted: 27th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
Simon Cowell Spits Not Swallows At Sinitta’s House
THE life of Simon Cowell, as told by 1980s pop sensation Sinatta in Now magazine. Cowell is godfather to Sinitta’s new adopted children Magdalena and Zac:
“He’s made it his sole purpose to disrupt and undermine everything I have taught them! When there’s something they don’t want to eat, Simon will take it and spit it on the floor, so of course they copy him.”
Look out for Magdelena and Zac pulling up their nappies over their nipples, whitening their teeth with TipEx and telling mum she sounds like a badger wth its testicles caught in Randy Jackson’s flies…
Posted: 27th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Michael Jackson No Longer In Neverland
PSST! Wanna live like Micheale Jackson?
Fox News is reporting that Jackson’s Neverland Ranch is set be sold at auction on March 19.
Jackson can keep his theme park if he can pay off $24,525,906.61 by that date. If not, a public auction will take place in Santa Barbara, Calif., in front of the county courthouse.
Whoever buys the pile will take possession of the personal property inside, all fixtures and appliances, furniture, and “all merry go round type devices,” any rides and games.
Fans may wonder at the look on Jackson’s face when his spiritual home is sold off. They may even want to get the look for themseves.
But being a Jackson impersonator, as so many Jackson fans seem to be, and copying his face, is like hitting a moving target.
The advice is to bury your face in your hands, or a sock drawer…
Posted: 26th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Jennifer Lopez And Hollywood Await The Evil Twin
MUCH excitement now that Jennifer Lopez, aka Jenny From The Block, is preparing the birthing mat for her twins.
Twins are vey much the now look among celebrity babies. Julia Roberts gave birth to twins, and Angelina Jolie is, reportedly, carrying a brace of children. You are not anyone unless you have twins. Concerned celebs should circulate Ultrasound pictures of their unborn child and see if they can get a match.
Anorak’s UltraSound Database is not yet full functional, but if you send in your pictures we will do our best to find a twin. A hasty adoption may well stave off any feelings of Solo Kid Shame (SKIDS), and you should take care to pass off the ‘twin’ as a genetic throwback.
Nice Little Earners
In readiness for her twins, People magazine reports that Jenny has opened a “lengthy registry” with a shop called Petit Tresor (Little Earners). The shop’s Nina and Sam have already helped Jenny design nurseries and now they are now ordering in the vitals.
J.Lo will keep her new baby boy wrapped in a cashmere cardigan, hat and bootie pants from Baby Cz, $279 and, of course, a matching pink set, $279, for the new fashionista of the family. The two newest members of the Anthony-Lopez clan will also have a set of Plain Mary’s Hunk and Babe onesies, $169. For the nursery, the twins will dream away in Chelsea Sleigh cribs, $1390 each while Mom and Dad relax in Glam Gliders $1,420 each. And when they need changing, the twins will have a Clara changing table, $1780. And why give up gorgeous handbags just because diapers are involved? Check out Jennifer’s Italian leather and snake skin trim Mia Bossi diaper bag, $1250.
And…
And nothing. It’s so very humble. Jenny is not spending large, failing to invest a massive chunk of the reported $6million she’s getting for showing her children to the world in platinum bibs and nappies made from the perineums of Angolan butterflies.
Maybe she is keeping the money should anything go wrong, and one of the twins – as is the way in Hollwywood – turn out to be born evil and needs to be housed on an island amid an ocean-sized swimming pool?
The Beverley Sisters were not available for comment…
Posted: 26th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Jennifer Aniston Life In Films, Starring Aaron Eckheart
HER films may smell like the insides of Dustin the Turkey’s post-binge cage but they do enable Jennifer Aniston to meet men.
And what is Aniston’s career but a chance to meet men?
As the Enquirer reports, after three years Jennifer Aniston is “getting even with Brangelina”. This is “JEN’S PAYBACK!”.
Aniston is recording a new film with Aaron Eckhart. We learn that Jen and her actor friend are now “inseperable on and off set”.
Anorak readers will recall how Vince starred in The Break Up, a movie in which – irony of irnies – Jen met co-star Vince Vaughn and then – get this! – broke up with him.
Now she is recording a new rom-com film with Eckhart, traveling to Vancouver with him to record the film – whoaaa! – Traveling.
Dame Edna Everage would doubtless call this spooky. And we are tempted to adopt her phrasing. But let us not jinx this revenge romance, but allow it to take its natural course, to develop into a journey…
Posted: 26th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment (1)
Paris Hilton Searches For Friends
UsWeekly reports that Paris Hilton is to appear in a new TV show:
A source says: “The show is going to be about her searching for a new best friend. Paris is tired of the haters and she’s looking for someone new. She’s looking for someone new and cool who she can trust. The new show is going to be full of good chick drama and you will see a side of Paris not seen on Simple Life.”
If you can’t find a new pal and someone you can trust on a reality TV show, where can you find one?
Answers in the form of a Lonely Hearts ad to Paris Hilton…
Picture: 14 ‘s snapshots of Paris Hilton’s new range of shoes…
Posted: 26th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Holly Willoughby And Me: The Boobs Speak Out
HOLLY Willoughby is a shoo-in for A Top Ten finish in Channel 4’s 100 Best Breasts.
It is very likely that she will be in the top half dozen when the awards are given out for 100 Best Breast in a pro-celebrity ice dance show.
And there is talk of Holly Willoughby getting the nod to present 100 Best Breasts In A Refrigerated Studio on UK Living (sponsored by Hotpoint).
But Willoughby, who presides over the celebrity cull that is ITV’s Dancing On Ice, is so much more than the sum of her chest. As the Mail observes, she is wearing a “backless and almost bottomless” dress. Willoughby is nothing if she is not versatile.
Says one viewer: “My husband and I have great fun trying to bet how low her top will be each week.” Says another: “Why doesn’t she stop messing around and just do the show topless?”
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Posted: 26th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
The Scent Of Amy Winehouse
“YOU too can look as good as Amy”, says the Sun, words hanging above a picture of Amy Winehouse.
Winehouse is said to be bringing a range of cosmetics and beauty devices to market. The Sun hears a “pal” speculate that there could be “hairspray, head scarves, liquid eyeliner”, and even a perfume.
The scent is, of course, the ubiquitous mark of any leading celebrity. Look out for Wino by Winehouse, available in bottles fashioned into whiskey miniatures.
Wino leads with the intense top notes of Harmony, Fabreze and the sparkle of antiseptic lozenge, and turns an intense matt black on contact with the skin. With base notes of waiting room and felt tip, Wino is the perfect accompaniment to Blaaaake…
Wino – Hits The Spot
Posted: 26th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Daily Mail Celebrates Renee Zelwegger’s Talent
THE Daily Mail covers the Oscars. Says the Daily Mail headline: “THE OSCARS: Renee Zellweger unveils her shrinking frame (and knobbly shoulders).”
More arts news to follow…
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Tilda Swinton’s Acceptance Speech Formula
TILDA Swinton knows her lines. She wins an Oscar for being best supporting actress in Michael Clayton.
She says:
Tilda Swinton: “I have an American agent who is the spitting image of this, really truly, the same shape head, and it has to be said, the buttocks. And I’m giving this to him, because there’s no way I would be in America, at all, ever, if it wasn’t for him. So Brian Swardstrom, I’m giving this to you. George Clooney, you know, the seriousness and the dedication to your art, seeing you climb into that rubber batsuit from Batman and Robin – the one with the nipples – every morning under your costume, on the set, off the set, hanging upside down at lunch. You rock, man.”
Tilda Swinton wins a Bafta for her role in Michael Clayton. She says:
Tilda Swinton wins the award for most economical use of words in an awards capacity…
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Jennifer Aniston Is Frozen In Egg Time
JENNIFER Aniston will not feature on the cover of the National Enquirer for the next few weeks.
There will no stories about Jennifer Aniston falling in love with her new leading man on the set of a – irony of ironies – a romantic comedy.
There will be no stories of how poor Jenn is coping with the first trimester of Angelina Jolie’s pregnancy.
This is not because Hell has frozen over or all magazine space is taken up with news of Britney Spear’s conversion to Islam. It is because Jennifer Aniston has had her eggs frozen.
An insider tells Star magazine: “It was a really smart move, because it buys (Jen) a few years to figure it all out. The pressure has lifted.”
Great plan. And if it doesn’t happen Jenn can be cryogenically frozen and injected with frozen sperm from leading men though the ages. One each. To the winner the spoils.
And if the freezing eggs plan doesn’t work, Aniston can always revert to Plan B:
Before making the decision to freeze her eggs, Jennifer considered other options, according to another Star source. “Her friend Sheryl Crow turned her on to the idea of adopting.”
Although it is thought all the more photogenic orphans have been taken by the aforesaid Jolie…
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Star Oscar Suicide (SOS): Remembering The Glorious Failures
IN “CURSE of the OSCARS,” the Mail looks at the woman – always the women – who have won an Oscar and then failed to perform in another half-decent film
Shock indeed that anything as solid as a secret vote by a shadowy band of Hollywood elitists, the self-importantly named Academy, should create a star each year and fail to see the value of Rachel Weisz’s work in My Blueberry Nights and Brenda Fricker’s craft in Casualty: The Movie.
This, of course, is that time of year when newspaper writers and media watchers put aside their envy at being not as good looking, less talented and less well paid than actors and actresses and observe the Oscars with a cold and objective eye.
“Look,” say the film experts, “there’s that dog Julia Roberts”; “It’s that stick-thin witch HalleBerry”; “Is Angelina Jolie wearing corduroy gloves or are those her worrying veins?” “Oscar disasters,” says the Times, looking at those dresses.
The Oscars might have made them millions and secured their fame and stardom, the apogees of glittering careers, but Holly Hunter “took a decade…to have another hit and that was in the form of cartoon when she provided the voice of Elastigirl in The Incredibles.
The Mail fails to note that Hunter was in O Brother Where Art Thou and Crash. But did you see her hair in those films? Eu! Too caring of the Mail to gloss it over…
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
He’s F*cking Ben Affleck
AFTER Sarah Silverman was caught f*cking Matt Damon, her boyfriend responds:
In the UK, our chatshows feature camp Graham Norton looking at porn websites and Jonathan Ross recyling Dick Emery’s joke book while the ‘live’ studio audience wonders what ever happened to Robert Kilroy-Silk and if there are tickets available for Ready Steady cook…
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Diablo Cody’s Feet For Hire
SAYS Diablo Cody on Stuart Weitzman’s million dollar Oscar shoes: “I’m actually really pissed about this, now that I think about it. They’re using me to publicize their stupid shoes and nobody asked me. I would never consent to a lame publicity stunt at a time when I already want to hide. I’m sorry if I sound like a party-pooper, but Jeebus.“
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Those Oscar Losers in Full, With Ryan Seacrest And not Gary Busey
THE Oscars are over, that AGM for the Hollywood entertainment industry. The stage show that sets out to prove why so many Hollywood stars are not stage actors.
The media was out in force, including chipmunk-voiced American Idol host Ryan Seacrest.
This is video of Seacrest at work, bringing in actor Gary Busey to meet actresses Laura Linney and Jennifer Garner and then not bothering to talk to him:
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Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)
Taxi For Upper Class Cheryl Tweedy
TAXI for Cheryl Cole. Sorry, best make that Taxi for Cheryl Tweedy.
The Sun is at Los Angeles airport to see La Cole arrive and be picked up by a man carrying a sign that reads “TWEEDY”.
This is Cole’s maiden name. But can it be her?
The note also mentions “UPPER CLASS”. Posh?
But our Cheryl is nothing if not down to earth…
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
The Beckhams Are Stitched Up
“POSH ‘N’ BECKS BETRAYED.”
The Star promises much. But who has done it this betraying? The hairdresser? The PA? The mild mannered cleaner? Could be…
“Pals” say Vicky And Day-vid have been “betrayed” by “former friends, lovers, business aides and old school chums”.
That’s a lot of betraying. And we wonder how Posh and Becks failed to secure gagging contracts with anyone who has ever met them, plans to meet them or has had thoughts about meeting them.
An oversight. That much is certain. Heads will roll.
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Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Kerry Katona’s Crazy In Love Abridged
HIGHLIGHTS from Kerry Katona’s Crazy In Love mental ward-themed MTV show, starring the fomer Mrs Brian McPadded Room and her latest inmate:
Mark Croft (husband): You’ve got big tits
Katatonia: You’ve got a small willy
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Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (5)
That Ida Nerina Sex Scandal (Video)
KNOW who Ida Nerina is? No?
Ida is an actress. In Malaysia. She’s embroiled in a sex tape scandal. What are the odds?
Ida Nerina is denying it’s her on teh film, but judge for yourself by seeing the video stills here. Nerina is married, but the 10-minute video supposedly features her with Malaysian actor Fauzi Nawawi, who is not her husband.
And who is Fauzi..?
Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Is That Brad Pitt’s Wig?
BRAD Pitt: is that his hair?
Or is he wearing:
a) Elton John?
b) Road kill?
c) The cast from Friends?
d) The look of middle-age crisis?
Of course, the wig has a rich history from Hollywood to the world of British football.
Bobby Charlton’s wig enabled him to keep his pony tail under wraps, thus guarding him against accusations of beign a “poof”.
Ken Dodd achieved great success in Hollywood by pulling on a wig a “torso suit” and wearing the look of “restained stupidity” when he played Bobby Ewing in the hit TV show Dallas. The famous shower scene was achieved by a drip-dry, machine washable blend of nylon and silk.
John McCain’s “hair hole” wig is working well. Placed over his shock of white hair, the look makes him appear down to earth and parctical.
Factoid: Brad Pitt was the basis for TV’s Kojak
Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Prince Gets A Hip Op
PRINCE Is A Hip Op Act: Prince — aged 49 — is getting hip replacement…
Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Britney Spears: Reunited, Banned From Oscars, Edison Chen And Klum Regrets
BRITNEY WATCH: Anorak’s look at Britney Spears in the news.
And, yes, that is the back of the world’s foremost celebrity’s head. And, yes, we like our top acts to look worse than most of us.
STARPULSE: “Britney Spears Reunited With Sons”
Spears picked the boys up from Federline’s Tarzana, California home on Saturday morning, in the company of her father Jamie and her psychiatrist, according to People.com.
CNN-IBN: “Spears banned from all pre-Oscar parties”
“While Britney is certainly a name in Hollywood – it’s for all the wrong reasons. She’s a car crash waiting to happen and organisers don’t want to take the risk of her showing up and creating a scene,” an informed source said.
“Her presence at any party would instantly generate lots of publicity but while it’s tempting to send out an invite, it’s a hassle that they don’t really want,” the source added.
PC WORLD: “Internet Exposure Damages Actor’s Career in China”
Singer Britney Spears’ downward spiral has captivated American pop media for months. But over the last month, the Chinese-speaking world has been riveted by the antics of a Canadian-born actor named Edison Chen. In late January, photos depicting Chen in the company of several famous Hong Kong actresses and singers began to surface on the Internet…Chen escaped the heat by flying to the U.S. and his native Canada, returning to Hong Kong late last week. At a news conference, he announced that he would step back from the Hong Kong entertainment industry indefinitely, although he said he would honor all of his existing commitments that list has certainly dwindled — at least five companies that use Chen in their ads have said they would not renew his contracts.
TORONTO STAR: Well, isn’t that just the saddest thing ever? Britney’s unfortunate(-looking) children aren’t even allowed to talk to her on the phone anymore. Kevin Federline is all kinds of concerned about her being a bad influence. Also, she hasn’t paid Kevin’s phone bill for a while so there isn’t any phone for her to call. It all works out nicely.
SYDNEY MORNING HERALD: “Make ’em bark or sing, change the whole thing”
Perhaps it should be extended with the addition of new sections, such as the career death watch, directed at greedy has-been stars whom management wants run out of town on a rail, or the public shaming, wherein the more egregious behaviour of young Hollywood would be highlighted in disgraceful mugshots and paparazzi scoops: Mel Gibson in anti-Semitic full flight, Lindsay Lohan barfing into Britney Spears’s cleavage, and so on, with the audience lustily bawling its condemnation.
WASHINGTON POST: “An attorney who claims to represent troubled pop star Britney Spears has said her federal rights are being violated and her conservator and father, Jamie Spears, is preventing her from talking to friends, court papers showed on Friday. The attorney, Jon Eardley, said he was hired by Spears on February 12 and has “spoken with her on several occasions.”
SIFY (India): “Klum regrets inviting Britney to live with her”
During the interview, Kulm had said: “She (Britney) can call me and come live in our house with us for a couple of months. I would help set her straight.” Now she says: “People always want to know what you have to say about Britney Spears and I don’t really know her… I met her once. People always want to squeeze something out of me. All of a sudden I’m her landlord, basically… I don’t even know her. I don’t know what her thing is.”
BALTIMORE SUN: “A first field guide to the mysterious blogiverse”
“Newspapers are looking at the number of hits that bloggers who write about Britney Spears can get and wondering, ‘How do we get a piece of this?’ They’ve changed their coverage, but bloggers’ authenticity often comes from being independent.”
SEATTLE TIMES: “‘Britney’ in decline as a baby name, too”
Sometimes all it takes is one person to ruin a name. Take Adolph… The popularity graph for Britney, which can be seen at the terrific Web site www.babynamewizard.com, looks like a shark fin. The name was almost nonexistent in 1980, rose to prominence on the blond-headed shoulders of bubblegum princess Britney Spears and has deflated into irrelevance right along with her. She dragged alternative spellings — Brittney and Brittany — along for the fall.
MONSTERS & CRITICS: Kevin Federline’s political voice
Kevin Federline’s voice will soon be heard in an animated political comedy. The aspiring star – who is currently involved in a custody battle with ex-wife Britney Spears over their children, two-year-old Sean Preston and Jayden James, 17 months – will voice cartoon character Karl Rove in hit US TV show ‘Lil’ Bush’.
Britney Spears – Journalists: Press f9 For News
Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
