Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Pete Dohery Sings For Amy’s Blake Prison Break
MR Amy Winehouse, Blake Fielder wants to be like Pete Doherty.
And Blake is already on his way to achieving his goal, having recorded no songs that spring to mind and carries fame’s begging bowl via a romance with a woman more famous than he.
Now the News of the World reports that Blake has been speaking to Doherty about getting an anti-heroin implant fitted. (Blake is in Pentonville prison, awaiting trial on charges of attempting to pervert the course of justice and GBH.)
Doherty has responded by starting up a campaign called Free Blake For F***’s Sake.
As with every good protest, there should be a protest song. Doherty has rhymed Blake with Sake and handed us a chant.
Free Blake for f*ck’s sake
The law is bent
Like an Oxbow lake
Free Blake for fuck’s sake
Wake up Blake, it’s a prison break
Rouse yourself!
(Repeat for hours and hours and hours)
Other protest songs to consider:
He’s Not Gonna Take It
Say it Loud, I’m Blake And I’m Proud
Fight The Flower (Poppy Seed Mix)
And so on…
Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
What Lily Allen Did Today
LILY Allen Watch. Reports the News of the World:
The Brit singer treated herself to a Smile and some nifty new nails during a day out with girlfriends.
And the girlie pampering seems to have been a mani-cure for Lily’s recent blues.
A big hand for Lily’s bigger hands…
Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Jordan’s Traditional Wooden Sex Toys
JORDAN is aiming to lend her name to a range of vibrators and “massage devices”.
The goods will feature a logo featuring her naked silhouette.
Might this explain her new trimmed look, the product of Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck’s work with plane and chisel? Could the old Jordan only fit on a massive fallus and thus reduce her target market to old Nazi submariners, ping-pong enthusiasts and anyone looking to make a replica of Apollo 13?
As the Sun reports: “She is also launching more traditional toys and even fruit machines.”
Traditional toys like wooden dildoes on pull-along wheels? And do these fruit machines feature a jackpot in the form of three singing acorns, a la Peter Andre, Mr Jordan?
The Anorak shop awaits…
Posted: 23rd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Foxy Looks At The Oscars Hunting Season
“MINK eyelashes, cleavage buffing, underarm Botox – how the stars are preparing for the Oscars,” reports the Mail.
Readers learn that the stars are “the product of power-bleach, armpit botox, stiletto foot surgeries, cleavage facials, antianxiety drugs and last-minute liposuction”.
But the top shelf procedure has to be Jennifer Lopez’s red fox-fur lashes. This year, Los Angeles make-up artist Valerie Sarnelle has created “thick and furry mink and squirrel fur false eyelashes, in blacks, browns and blondes”.
Madonna has been seen wearing fake eyelashes made from mink fur and diamonds.
Fur can do wonders for a hairless body. Without fur a red fox would looks like a massive pink rat with sharper teeth, an animal to be hunted to extinction.
Fur faces will make the star appear warmer and cuddlier.
Animal rights activist will, naturally, be appalled. And Anorak suggests that stars should move away from real fur towards the fur from the skin of a kiwi fruit or, for softer tones, a peach.
In the meanwhile, Madonna and Lopez should take care to listen out for the sound of a bugle and the baying of so many dogs. Is it illegal to hunt a celeberity?
Picture: 14
Posted: 23rd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Britney’s Law: Britney Spears Quote Of The Day
LAPD Chief William Bratton talks about the proposed “Britney Law” to keep paps away from celebs:
He tells 89.3 KPCC-FM:
“What we need is for Britney Spears to stay home instead of traipsing all over town. That would solve the problem. We don’t need additional laws…I’ve got laws coming out my ears to deal with this issue. What you have is several young women in this town and several young men basically making fools of themselves and tying up not only my resources but the resources of the media that would do better covering legitimate stories instead of a bunch of airheads running around out there…Quite clearly some of these characters so favored by the paparazzi are clearly in need of services. Not police services, but psychiatric services.”
Celebrity policing. It’s all the rage…
Posted: 23rd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Cheryl Cole Watches Ashley Cole On Player Cam
CHERYL Cole and her Ashley are still making news.
Encouraging signs are, though, that Ashley has listened to Cheryl’s reported demands and will know of his whereabouts at all times.
The Star is leading with news that tomorrow afternoon Cheryl’s footballer will be in the Wembley region of north-west London.
For purposes of identification, Ashley will be wearing a blue top with matching blue shorts and blue socks, all in manmade fibres.
Should his friends be wearing the same, further evidence of Ashley’s whereabouts will be provided by the number ‘3’ on his back and the word “COLE”.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 23rd, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Fifty Cent Gets The Barack Obama Assassination Blug
FIFTY Cent, a rapper, joins the call for Barack Obama to be assassinated:
Posted: 22nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comments (4)
Anthea Turner’s Complex Issues
ONCE upon a time, Anthea Turner had it all. Hers was the face, hair (“don’t forget the ankles, guys”), ankles and sunny disposition of British day-time and early evening TV.
Then she parted from Peter and married Grant ‘Bogey’ Bovey, and her world became a foreign place.
As viewers began to turn from Anthea toward Ant ‘n’ Dec and back to Noel Edmonds, Anthea settled into life in a mock Tudor farmhouse near Goldaming in Surrey.
With its wine cellar, stables and cinema, the poperty offered much. And Anthea set to work making it homely for she and Grant.
There was the expensive polo field, the helicopter pad and a £500,000 tennis complex with floodlit tennis court and pavilion.
Planning application was, as the Mail notes, sadly turned down for a huge wooden nest, which Councillor Carole King admiringly called “The Wicked Witch of the West” tree house.
Sadder still that Waverly Borough council voted five to four to refuse a retrospective planning application for the tennis arena.
Fears are that the tennis centre will be torn down. Anthea plans to appeal. And what more appealing than Anthea?
If only the broadcasters would see it…
Posted: 22nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Jonathan Ross On Consistency And Sly Stallone
JONATHAN Ross to Sylvester Stallone on his chat show:
“I’m glad to hear you’d go back and do Rambo again. I feel with this story you could tell more.”
Jonathan Ross on Film 2008:
“I kind of hope we don’t see him making another Rambo adventure.”
Posted: 22nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (4)
John Gaunt On Rebekah Wade, the BBC And Ross Kemp
JOHN Gaunt is using his column in the Sun to good effect.
Says Gaunty: “SKY One spends a fortune bringing us the truth about Our Boys’ heroics in Afghanistan with Ross Kemp. The BBC makes a programme condemning Our Boys again. Just remind me which one is the state broadcaster we are forced to pay for…”
It’s the BBC, Gaunty. But no need to remind you which is the broadcaster owned by patriotic Rupert Murdoch, owner of the Sun, that paper edited by Kemp’s wife Rebekah Wade…
Posted: 22nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
Marco Pierre White’s Hell’s Kitchen Seconds
MARCO Pierre White is back for another season of TV’s leading pro-celebrity cooking show Hell’s Kitchen.
Fans will wonder how White can make it back for seconds when even the first time round he appeared so very full of himself…
Posted: 22nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (10)
Cheryl Cole Gives Ashley A ‘Thrashing’
CHERYL Cole and her footballer, Ashley Cole, are “thrashing” about.
The Sun says Cheryl is “considering forgiving” Ashley for, as one Aimee Walton claims, cheating on her in a vomit-fuelled romp. “Cheryl takes cheat Ashley back,” says the Mirror on its cover.
But the decision is not yet made. A source tells us that “all her friends” think Cheryl is “nuts” for sticking with (surely to) her man.
But she loves him so. As the Mirror notes, at the Brits music awards, “She was so distressed she couldn’t even bring herself to stay for Sir Paul McCartney’s…finale and fled 20 minutes before the end.” One verse of Paul’s Frog Chorus could have pushed her over the edge. And us.
(For those of you who watched the show, that’s “Mr Sir Paul McCartney”, as billed by Ozzy Osbourne.)
But what to do? Can Cheryl trust her footballer again? In the Star, Cheryl is introducing Ashley to her “WAGNA CARTA”, her rules of marriage.
One may suppose the vows the couple exchanged before the OK! snappers pretty much had things covered. But celebrity is always looking for the new, and here we have the post-marriage vows.
Cheryl insists that Ashley should indulge in “one romantic gesture a week”. Fans of Cole’s Chelsea ream should not be surprised to see Cole joining the field of play with a rose jammed between his buttocks and a teddy bear holding a red balloon tethered to his laces.
Sickly sweet. But not too sickly – not while the scars are still raw…
Posted: 22nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Billie Piper’s Auschwitz Chic
BILLIE Piper and husband Laurence Fox are the latest couple to partake of Auschwitz Chic.
In the Star, Laurence Fox is showing off his new tattoo, a black rendering of the date of his wedding to said Piper.
“I’ve got ‘Mrs Fox 31.12.07’,” says Laurence and “she got ‘Mr Fox’”, and one imagines the same date.
This, as the Sun tells us, follows in the trend laid down by Posh and Becks, who have the dates of their renewed wedding vows inked on their arms.
Such dates should help the celebrities remember. Lest we ever forget…
Posted: 22nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
More Westboro Baptist Church Humour
THE good folks at the Westboro Baptist Church never did get around to picketing Heath Ledger’s funeral.
The Westboro Baptist Church hates gays. Really hates them. Not loves them. Hates them.
The Westboro Baptish Church sang about God hating the world. Sing up. Give it full throat.
The Westboro Baptist Church’s leader Fred Phelps is available for photos…
Posted: 22nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (28)
Celebrities Who Use Fur
PETA Announces ‘Worst-Dressed’ Celebrities of 2008
THE WINNER: Aretha Franklin
How ’bout some R-E-S-P-E-C-T for animals? Aretha, when you waddled into the Grammys in yet another vulgar fur, you looked as if you were going to perform “I Am the Walrus” by The Beatles. You may be a queen, but you don’t know jack about compassion.
Marilyn Manson: “Always draped in leather from head to toe, Manson has enough skeletons in his closet to fill a pet cemetery. As if wearing dead animals isn’t foul enough, Manson says that he wears his cow-skin pants 24/7, only peeling the smelly things off to have sex. That alone should be enough to tarnish leather’s dated sex appeal. Manson may just be the shock-rocker’s stage name, but his wardrobe is a real-life tale of blood and guts.”
Eva LongWHORIA: “Eva Longoria is short on compassion. In her trashy furs, she looks like the street walker of Wisteria Lane. Eva is one “desperate housewife” who needs a quickie divorce—from her stylist.”
Lindsay Lohan: “I Know Who Killed Me isn’t just the title of Lindsay Lohan’s last bomb—it’s also the cry of the animals snuffed out so that this “mean girl” can pose in their pelts. Lindsay, there’s no road to recovery for the foxes who are anally electrocuted so that you can look skanky.”
Kate Moss: “Nothing completes the transition from supermodel to super-tramp like a fur coat. If Kate could see clearly through those bleary eyes, maybe she’d clear her closet of those furs.”
Kylie Minogue: “What does Kylie Minogue have in common with her python purse? They are both cold-blooded. Come on, Kylie—it’s not cool to clutch onto an accessory made by nailing snakes to trees and skinning them alive.”
If they didn’tl wear fur, there would be far fewer fury animals.
Posted: 21st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Coleen McLoughlin Takes In A Wag Shower
COLEEN McLoughlin has been busy.
Much of the McLouhglin week is condensed into a single page in Closer magazine. The highlights:
“I wore this outfit when I went to a hair salon in Liverpool to have my extensions tightened”
“I really like shirt with jeans and I think the look is smart but casual”
“I had such a lovely holiday in Barbados”
“I bought a Matthew Williamson scarf… it’s pastel coloured with a map on it”
Phew!
Now Coleen hot foots it OK!, where she appears on the cover with the Wagtastic Alex Curran and Sheree Kewell.
The conversation inevitably moves on from plate tectonics to Cheryl and Ashley Cole, whom Sheree hopes can “move on”.
The other topic of chatter is Sheree’s baby shower.
There are baby Dior outfits, designer berets and diamond-encrusted dummies. Says Sheree: “I have nothing left to buy.”
How they must have roared with laughter at Sheree’s little joke. More on that next week…
Posted: 21st, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1)
Once Around The Block With Amy Winehouse And Mitch Housego
THE appearance of Amy Winehouse’s father Mitch in Closer – the “UK’s No.1 CELEB & REAL LIFE MAG” – throws up a thorny issue of if he is a CELEB or a REAL LIFER?
Or can you achieve the impossible dream and be both a CELEB and REAL? Few dare to try.
Mitch blurs the distinction by telling us that he is “cautiously optimistic” for his daughter’s chances of recovery in rehab.
Mitch is happy that Kelly Osbourne, daughter to Sharon, with whom Mitch talks a lot, is around to help.
As Mitch says of professional Osbourne Kelly: “She and her brother Jack have both had issues with drugs, so they’re wonderful support.” If you can’t rely on a reformed drug taker, who can you rely on?
Mitch then says Sadie Frost has offered to help Amy. And he has received a call from Roger Daltry, the popstar-turned-fish farmer.
Do the name checks burnish Mitch’s reputation as the country’s most famous cabbie since Fred Housego took the Mastermind title in 1980?
Or is Mitch a real person, asking us “Do you know who I had in the back of my cab?” and offering up “Amy Winehouse, the popular chanteuse”..?
Posted: 21st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Jordan Is Trimming Away On ‘Powerful Drugs’
“JORDAN’S suicide agony over divorce threats.”
Once more we are forced to wonder if celebrity magazines are a suicide cult?
Closer magazine (“The UK’s No.1 CELEB & REAL LIFE MAG – and who would have guessed this chalk and cheese combination would work?) looks at the glamour model.
“WASTING AWAY!” screams the headline. Katie Andre, as she is now fashioned is more being trimmed than wasted, reducing her gargantuan Jordans to a more manageable size.
“PETE FEARS JORDAN IS HOOKED ON PILLS,” says another headline, adding another layer of polemic to the allegations of her being wasted.
“As Jordan’s post-surgery pain leaves her unable to eat, she demands powerful drugs to numb her agony.”
Closer says it is “believed” Jordan’s has not dropped in weight to below 7st. Can all of her apparent weight lose be attributed to problems eating, suicidal thoughts, a cry for help or shedding so much of her former self?
Questions and more questions…
Posted: 21st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
George Clooney Is A Jelly (Has) Bean
GEORGE Clooney is on display at the Luxe Hotel, Beverly Hills. He’s been arranged by artist Roger Rocha.
He’s a sweetie…
Posted: 21st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Cheryl Cole Shines
“CHERYL GLOWS,” says the Mirror in its quotidian update on the life and tans of Cheryl Cole.
So glowing is Cheryl that readers are able to shave in her reflection.
To put Cheryl’s glow in perspective, the Star pictures her alongside “Kimberly”, who appears to have coated in adamite shell of Cuprinol, lest Cheryl’s glow cause her to burn and blister.
No small task for the assembled snappers at last night Brits awards to capture these women on film, the glare making all but the luckiest shot reminiscent of an Arctic white out…
Posted: 21st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Guess The Tabloid Pun, With Kelly Brook
GUESS The Pun, featring Kelly Brook.
Kelly Brook, a “model-turned- actress, has an apple tree orchard. She wants to go into the juice business.
What is the Sun’s headline?
a) How d’yer like them apples?
b) Core!
c) Kelly: I want to squeeze my pips
d) Apple turnover
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 21st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Doggy Styling With Danielle Lloyd And Jermain Defoe
CELEBRITY insight of the say: Danielle Lloyd and footballer Jermain Defoe.
The Sun says the Portsmouth striker (Defoe) threw out Ms Lloyd when she suggested they buy a “Paris-Hilton-style handbag mutt”.
The dog in a bag is not the last word in Malaysian fast food, rather a fashion trend in which a small dog in placed within a huge bag.
Should the fashion for massive bags alter to, say, small bags, the likes of Miss Lloyd may have to find smaller dogs, or use their new bags as ear guards for bigger dogs. Such is the way of fashion.
Says an insider: “She wanted to carry it about with them – he told her, ‘it’s over’. It says a lot about his priorities.”
If it says lots in a good way or a bad is not made clear…
Posted: 21st, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Sheryl Crow On Amy Winehouse
SHERYL Crow says: “I want to collaborate with Amy [Winehouse] because she’s really hot and cool right now. I know one song Rehab was very popular particularly because a lot of young people are in rehab as well. In fact I’m thinking about going. It looks like loads of fun and I know my career will benefit from it.”
Posted: 21st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
Cherly Cole And Ashley Are Not The New Posh And Becks
WRITES Liz Jones in the Mail: “”Singer Cheryl Cole and her footballer husband Ashley were dubbed the new Posh and Becks’ after marrying … But last month when he was unfaithful…”
We should end it there. Point made.
But Miss Jones says she understands Cheryl’s pain. Liz Jones “has been in the same situation”. We scratch our heads. Is this the same Liz Jones who used to sing with the Chantels, or are we confusing her with Liz Jones from the Pussycat Dolls?
And if Mr Ashley Cole has vomited around and maybe on Liz while in the throes of passion, is it the stuff for newspaper of repute such as the Mail?
“OH, CHERYLY, YOU COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER,” says Jones.
But this last gasp move to sway Cheryl’s mind is a failure. As the Star notes on its front page: “CHERYL: I FORGIVE ASH BUT I WON’T FORGET!”
Cheryl and her footballer are to be reunited, comes the news. Cheryl is to tell her man that he has one last chance.
Chery Cole is not Liz Jones…
Posted: 20th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Liz Hurley ‘Slave Wage’ Gag
“LIZ HURLEY AND HER SLAVE WAGE MAID.”
The Mirror’s front-page headline reintroduces readers to Liz Hurley. No, dear readers, not a chance to look at the maverick talent of Miss Hurley’s breasts, nor her backside, nor her legs, hair or teeth. This is the story of Liz’s “slave wage maid”.
But we cannot hear from Violet D’Souza, because she has been “gagged”.
Anorak is appalled by the mental image of Miss D’Souza sat on a rickety chair, her mouth held in a rictus grin by a ball and chain, or one of Hurley’s end-of-line bikini tops. She stares, tormented by the sight of Miss Hurley feasting on a half dozen raisins arranged on a silver platter.
But the fanciful image is all, because the truth may never out. On the eve of her lament, to be heard at an industrial tribunal, the case has been dropped. Violet, we learn, worked at Hurley’s London home. Violet was, allegedly, paid 8,000 rupees a week, or £100. Given her claimed hours, and the exchange rate, this works out at between £1.40 and £1.60 an hour.
And then after four years servitude, Violet was sacked. She contacted the Citizens’ Advice Bureau and filed a claim for failure to supply a written statement of terms and conditions, race discrimination and unfair dismissal.
How Violet has been “gagged” is not made clear. The Mirror seems more concerned with letting us know that Hurley is worth £13million and her maid paid £1.20 an hour. One may suppose this were unfair, given the number of fans of Hurley’s work with dresses and tanning gels who would, we imagine, work for Hurley for free…
Posted: 20th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
